Hang in there

This morning is crisp and quiet. 

I don't hear the birds or see the movement of life all around me. It is just silent. 

This year has been so hard for so many of you. Pain and loss have come. Sometimes making it hard to breathe. Kindness is hard to find, and equally hard to give. The love of many is growing cold. Hurt comes in, darkness... loneliness grips at your heart and you are scared, tired and depressed. You spend much of your time wishing this life would just get easier, or things would start to "go your way". You look around and others are struggling too, but no one quite understands you. Not in this moment. You smile, you press on. Sometimes you let people you trust know. Sometimes you let the whole social media world know. But, most of the time, you hold your hurt like a blanket - that is supposed to comfort you, but you find it brings a strange sense of comfort and pain - all mixed up together. 

Friends, there is a better way. 

Life is not easy. Loss is suffocating and the pain comes in waves. But there is more to life than this pain. If I can give you any encouragement, hear this one thing. There is more. There is a God who loves you. There is a God who sees you and cares for you. There is a God who weeps with you and is filled with compassion - to the point that He catches every one of your tears in a bottle. He knows you. He wants to draw you near. It is okay if you are angry. It is okay if you are angry with Him. It is okay if you are questioning why. It is okay if you are wrestling with trust and faith and everything around God being good. But, I promise you, He is. He is good. He is altogether lovely and He has a good plan for your life. Please know that the accuser will come to try and steal your comfort. The devil will come and accuse God and His goodness. He will say that "if God loved you, then he would have......" But, don't fall for it. This pain, these lies will only send you further into despair. You must fight to believe the truth, and you must surround yourself with those who are safe. Those who you can share your pain, your doubts, your fears with - and know that they will not try to judge you, or preach you back to "normal". There is no normal to be had here. God did not intend for the world to look like this, to act like this. Normal was a beautiful Garden, filled with light and love and beauty and no pain. We are all so aware that normal is gone. Not just in the last few years, but ages ago... the beauty and fullness of life was stolen from the earth. But, there is more. There is a place where beauty is alive and life doesn't end in tragedy. There is more. There is a time coming when all will be restored. The earth and its people will be restored and renewed. Laughter and love and peace will be everywhere. Isn't that what we long for? Tell me one thing that you dream of, one super power you wish you had... and I tell you that Heaven will be more. It will be better. We are yearning to be in eternity. We are yearning to leave this life of pain and get to the place we were created for. 

But, there is work for you to do. Believer, we are here because we are not yet finished. If you know the deep love of the Father, and the saving love of Christ, I am begging you to be a light to those around you in darkness. If you know any comfort from being in His love, lay down judgment and pick up mercy. Lay down your comforts and pick up love. No more bickering. No more slandering. No more division and back-biting. Drop it all. Pick up compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as you have been forgiven in Christ. And over everything else, put on LOVE, which binds the rest of these in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of ONE BODY you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12) It is time for the church of God in Jesus Christ to be known for love. It is time for us to stand together and bring hope to a hopeless time. Please, lay down those things that are causing you to sin and to mistreat others, and pick up your true identity in Christ. 

Friends, even if you have never trusted God, even if you have never asked Jesus to save you from your sins, I am imploring you to try something new. This week, every time you lean towards despair, say out loud, "Jesus, come." He is so full of compassion. He is so full of love. He will always come when you call on Him. If you let Him, He will draw you close and carry the pain with you. He will not leave you alone in your despair. People will fail you. Some people will say stupid things. Some people will think judgmental thoughts. But, Jesus will not leave you. He will not fail you. He will listen and He will respond in kindness, in compassion and in tenderness He will comfort you. If you want to know more about Him - read about Him in the Bible. Pick it up and read from the Psalms, from John, from Romans... go to someone you know who prays and who you admire, and ask them to share with you what they believe and why they pray. There is hope to be had here. There is peace. There will be days ahead filled with joy and laughter. Please ask God to show Himself to you. To reveal His love for you. He is a good God. Even when it hurts. Harming you was never His plan. The one who is set on harming you will be brought to justice. In time, all will be set right, and in the meantime, Jesus will be a comfort to anyone who seeks Him. He beckons you to come, all who are weary and heavy laden. He will give you rest. 

Much love today and always, 

Christy

When the clouds reflect my heart...

The day I first penned this was a special day. It was gloomy outside. Overcast. The clouds felt heavy with rain, but there was a hint of light, of sunshine somewhere buried underneath.

My heart felt much the same way.
22 and a half years ago I became a Momma for the first time. I had NO idea what that meant for me.
I had no idea I could love another human that much.
I had no idea I had that much fear living in me. I wanted him here so badly, but as soon as he was 2 days old I panicked in my mind thinking I felt like he was safer inside. I was terrified to drive him anywhere. He was so fragile. He depended on me for literally everything. It is overwhelming and beautiful and scary and humbling.
I had no idea that at 18 months he would change into a completely different human for 2 and a half years.
I had no idea that at 4 years old my little angel boy would return.
I had no idea that at 8 years old he would test every rule and boundary all over again.
I had no idea that at almost 12 years old everyone would tell me, "Just wait til he's 12" with much trepidation in their voices.
I had no idea that at 12 my boy would make me the proudest mom in the world as he proved everyone wrong. He wasn't rebellious and difficult. He was helpful, respectful, and protective and loving.
I had no idea that the time I had with him was coming to an end so quickly.
I had no idea that just 3 years later my whole heart would be shattered.
I had no idea who the God I served really was. In truth, I still don't. But, I know Him more, and I know He is good.

On the outside I am holding back the tears, much like the clouds withhold the rain. I suspect that at some point today the flood will come. I will sit and ponder my Jacobs precious life and the gift it was to hear him call me Momma. There are days that I force myself to enter into the hard places. I force myself to stare death in the face and feel for a bit the ugly emptiness we have (on the earth) in it's wake.

I have learned so much over my lifetime about the process of grief. It is a process, and it is different for everyone. I was so young when I lost my mom (just 2 weeks past my 17th birthday) and I felt lost. I didn't know who I was. I did think I knew who God was, but I didn't know how He could help me. I forced myself to work, to move, to keep pushing forward because in the silent places the pain seemed like it would consume me entirely. Ten years later the Lord brought a beautiful young girl, Michelle into my life. She was only 6 months into her grief journey.  She had lost her mom, and her pain was so fresh. It is crazy how the Lord used her to bring healing to me in so many ways. I was supposed to be helping her through her grief, but I am convinced that she helped me more.

Just when we need it, when we are ready, God will allow the pain to come through - and He promises not to leave us alone in it. He sits with us. He feels with us. He has compassion on us. He is faithful and close while we are in the middle of our suffering.

Busy can be our friend, and busy can be our enemy. But, you cannot possibly sit in the grief you feel as a mom that has lost a child for too long. It would completely consume. It would devastate in ways that I cannot describe. So busy is often a small remedy that offers little long term, but much in the moment. 

I have more than one friend who spent their first Christmas without their child. The child they loved and sang to. The child that made them a Momma - for the first time - or joyously again. These Momma's will sit and tears will fall. They will cry out. They will ask how more than why.... how can I push through the pain and dread... the suffocating reality that someone important is missing? How can I get up, and move forward? How can I paste a smile on my face and take the next step? How can I hold the truth that God is loving even in this place? How can I trust Him when I feel so utterly disappointed and let down? How do I hold the Truth that He could have stepped in... He could have intervened and He said no? And yet, no other has been so patient. No other has been so consistent. No other has proven I am seen and heard and loved the way my Jesus has. No one has been there in the deep grief as this One. The Lord our God, the Lord is One. He is Yaweh. He is Emmanuel. He is Yeshua. He is Peace. In the utter chaos of the grief stricken mind... He comes in - His light breaks through the darkness and He whispers "I am here with you. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. My mercies are new. My way is best. And I adore you." He reminds me that there will be a day of Hope. There will be a day where all things will be made new. This One has stepped into an earth full of pain and hurt and chaos and has offered to restore and redeem the most broken parts of our lives and our stories. During Christmas it is time to remember that the Hope we have is not grounded in anything that is tangible here. It is rooted in the One that cannot be uprooted. 

Now we usher in a new year. Ahead we have 365 opportunities to live in a loving way, with ourselves, and with others. If I could, I would usher a challenge to the whole world. I would ask everyone to take 2 minutes every day, right as they wake up, to pause... to look up to Heaven and ask God for his help and a revelation of His love to them, individually. If we only knew how much He longs to comfort, He longs to bring healing and comfort in the midst of the pain, it would change literally everything. Today I am asking that you would know Him more deeply than ever before - and for those of you who reject God and His gift - Jesus, I pray you would come to know Him. That you would be open to the love and the healing He has for you. Life as a believer is not easy, or dull, or free from pain. But, there is no place more comforting than the arms of Christ. Truly, nothing compares to the great love that He has for you, and for me. 

May your new year be blessed, not with stuff that fades and things that will bring temporary pleasures, but with a Hope that is unshakable, with a Peace that passes all understanding, with a Joy that cannot be stolen, and Faith that leads to a remaking and a renewal of your soul. 

Much Love, 

Christy

Then sings my soul

Some mornings ago as we stood in worship, we sang two songs I hadn't heard yet.
I love that. Standing and listening to people sing from their souls to a song that is new to mine.
Every word is processed in real time and my heart yearns to know the next verse, the next words. Worship is just a part of who I am. God made me this way. Music speaks to me - loudly and often. I love a good melody, but when the words are ridiculous I don't typically like the song. Or, if I can't understand the words... meaningless.

The week I wrote this was a sweet week for my soul. Filled with laughter and card games, sunshine and sand, ocean waves crashing and finding a plethora of shark teeth. It was filled with quiet times and loud times. I read my way through an entire book, and had the satisfaction of doing my "job" from the beach and from the comfort of a couch. It was wondrous for my soul, really. It has me thinking, really thinking about what I am doing here - as in on the earth in these days.  
I cannot think of anything I'd rather do for a career than Real Estate. I absolutely love getting to meet new people, help them buy, sell or invest in a home. It combines so many of my favorite things - it is just a natural fit for me. I know that I am making a difference in people's lives as I help them in their real estate journey and that feels good. It is a great thing to truly have a job that is wrapped around serving others. So cool. I think about how God has made me - the things that He put inside of me that are ignited by different activities. Talking about His goodness and how faithful He is sets my heart on fire. Sharing my story - and His goodness with one lady in a coffee shop, a couple while out touring homes, or speaking to a room filled with hundreds makes me come alive in a way that nothing else does. I love to encourage people. I love to worship God corporately - and all alone. I am wired that way, and I used to think if it was something that brought me such joy and fulfillment it must be "of the flesh" in Christian speak - or selfish to those outside Christianity - what kind of crazy thinking is that? Now I realize the reason my heart comes alive when I am talking about Him is because He created me that way - and He likes that about me. It is such a wonderful thought that when I am operating in the ways He has gifted me, it truly makes my soul come alive. What a gracious God.

I have been thinking a lot lately about a family member of mine that is constantly looking for what is missing. He KNOWS that there is something - someone - some force out there that should be able to explain and give meaning to life. He has seen many hard days. His heart has been torn and devastated. Truly the enemy of his soul has beaten him down over and over. I am constantly praying that He find Truth, and Peace, and Hope. Those things sound like a fairy tale to him. He has lost faith in pretty much everything and everyone around him. In his words, He has "cried out to God - with no response". He has "cried out to Satan - silence". He has been reaching out to anything that feels like it has purpose or meaning - and he is so tired of searching. I love him. I love his honesty, his vulnerability to open himself up. Many try to preach at him. They tell him all of the things he should do to believe, to be better, to find meaning. Some of them have the right idea - but I feel the tactic is all wrong. A verse keeps coming to mind that I have been memorizing this week. It is in the faith chapter of Hebrews. Hebrews 11:6. It says, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." I believe my cousin struggles because he keeps asking God to prove himself. And, the funny thing is, I KNOW that God is able to prove himself. Not hard. He could reveal himself in a thousand ways - and truly probably already has presented himself over and over. But, my cousin does not BELIEVE that God exists AND that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. He feels like God is a lot of things, but I don't think "rewarder" is on the list of his descriptive words of God. It's hard when life has been hard. Unfair. When you feel like everyone around you got a better deal. When even the people you love treat you like if they hang around you your bad luck may "wipe off" on them. So, mostly they avoid you and the one who was constant for him left this world far too young. So there is more loss and more pain, and seemingly no answers.  Sometimes people have a hard time believing the right things about Christ because His followers, "Christians" are such a poor example. They just don't love the way that Christ loves. Sometimes in the name of doing "what's right" they beat you down when all you really need is support and love. I am not talking about enabling poor behavior... but for heaven's sake - just a few kind words - a few encouragements from Scripture that are true for everyone, no matter if they are at the lowest point or the highest point. Or simply just being there - but being QUIET. You don't have to say anything at all to support people sometimes. I heard something at a small conference once that highlights this. It's a simple but poignant phrase. 

Don't try to fix me, just be with me. 

A few years ago I was in the worst situation I have ever been in. I was going through a divorce from a 17 year marriage that I had prayed for EARNESTLY. I lost my firstborn son, my precious Jacob. In one instant - he was gone... this one that brought me so much JOY.  To say finances were tight was a massive understatement. I had 4 precious children looking at me for the way forward and I felt like Anna (from Frozen II) in the cave.

Here are the lyrics to the song she sings in those desperate moments: 

I've seen dark before
But not like thisThis is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around
I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for?
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice
And do the next right thing

This was produced by Robert Lopez, Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Dave Metzger and Tom MacDougall from the Album Frozen 2. 

I think a lot of people going through depression - or having experienced the loss of a loved one feel like this. The grief does have a gravity. You forget what is true - you feel all alone. And no matter how many people are around you - even if they have similar experiences, you ARE alone. You are the only one that had that exact relationship. You are the only one that walking the specific hard road you are on. But, God. He is there. He delights in you. He wants to help. He offers hope and healing and restoration. He is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek him. The difference between  those who have hope and those who don't is this one thing: BELIEF that God is good. Our minds are powerful. Our minds are more powerful than we give them credit for. The subconscious mind processes more information in a few minutes than the most powerful computer. So, it isn't hard to understand why Scripture says to us things like, "Take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ",  or "whatever is true, lovely pure... think on these things." 

You will grow in whatever you put in your mind - whether that is fear or faith. Why not choose to have faith? If you can make your mind continue to think "There is a God and He loves me. He wants what is best for me and He is good. He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." - it will give you faith and hope and peace. There are too many good studies (and too many weird studies) for me to link to here about the mind, but trust me when I say that when something is true in your mind, it is so easily proved out. Just think of all the studies done with Placebo pills instead of real medicine. It is staggering that once people think something - when they are convinced of something it alters their course, and in many ways their health... for the good or the bad. 

Of course, I am also a great believer in the natural things of this world that offer sanctuary to our harried minds. Sunshine, birds chirping, waves rolling in, snow falling, hearing leaves and twigs crack under your hiking boots on a crisp fall morning while the leaves are shades of orange you haven't ever taken in... these things are healing to our minds and our souls. There is something inside us that instinctively knows and understands that those things are beautiful and beauty heals. Who these days doesn't need healing? I don't know about you, but I find that I am fighting for joy where once it seemed so natural. The world is hard and can be so cruel. But Jesus is none of that. He beckons us to just come... and find His rest. He says to let Him carry the big stuff and we can rest that He will be faithful. I am praying that in this world filled with such strange and powerful emotions... my children can let God guide their response to the chaos with peace and love and joy and hope. We do not always get to choose what things and struggles enter into our lives, but we always get to choose how we respond to those things and struggles. 

What peace when we realize that most things are completely out of our control. 

"Grant us peace to accept the things we cannot change..."

 What fear must you overcome to pursue the things that will bring you life and joy? 

"Grant us courage to change the things we can..."

Where do you go to figure out the difference between the two of those? 

"and grant us wisdom to know the difference..." 

Settle in and choose to believe that God is good and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Place all the things you can't change in His capable hands. Find the things that you can change - the things that He placed in you long ago that bring you life and joy- and pursue those - break through the fear inside and run towards your destiny with great hope that He will complete that which He began in you. And pray for the wisdom to know when you can change things and when you can't. 

As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men... including yourself. 

May you find rest and strength and hope today in that which never changes - the Love of God. Whether or not you believe... God is good and He loves you.

Blessings to all of you my friends. Thanks for stopping by. 

Oh February...

I feel like a crazy person. Grief can do that.

The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.

It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.

It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess.  But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me,  in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom,  tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.

Oh momma.  Oh Jacob. How I ache to the depths of my soul for the day when all things will be made new.

I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".
Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.

I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all.  I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak.  I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.

He is enough.

He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.

I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.

I will lean in today.

I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.

And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.

My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.

Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.

To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."

Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.

And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.


Much love,
Christy

An unwanted silence

Most of the time when you say the words still or quiet it brings images of peaceful rest and wonderful silence. Well friends, it is with great sadness that I post today. It is beautiful to me how the skies are gray and cloudy... no hint of sun. It's as though God painted in the sky the very feelings of my heart. 

Yesterday morning Michael and I found out that we lost our baby. 

The ultrasound revealed no heartbeat, no movement just silence and stillness. Seeing that screen was so unexpected.  I have been so blessed to have five pregnancies without any complications or any trouble. Once we made it past the 12 week mark, there was no reason in my mind to worry. And yet, just days later our little one went to be with Jesus. Please pray for us. Tomorrow is scary and so sad for Michael and I.  We have so many emotions and so many questions. But the fact is that God is God and He is good. He is strong when we are weak... And when we don't understand, He understands fully. Only He can take our brokenness and heal our hearts. 

We are hurting. Deeply. There are not words to describe this kind of pain. 

Please pray for my babies. Maddy, Jared, Jude and Mia took the news pretty hard. It stirs up so many things. It is so real to us that this was not just tissue or a fetus. This was our baby. Formed with tiny fingers and toes and who we will name when we find out if it was a boy or a girl. They understand that a piece of our family will forever be missing. We are comforted by our faith, yet we grieve because all life is precious. 

I will share more later, but for now, please please just pray for us. Please pray for our hearts to mend and our minds to be filled with Truth. Please pray as my kiddos start school and I return to work on Monday. 

I am so thankful for a boss who has allowed me to take time off to be with my kids and rest and grieve. It is a busy time and I'm so thankful that she understands the importance of family and time to adjust and mourn. I am so thankful for my coworkers who are picking up the slack while I am away. I am blessed. I am so thankful for my Husband who has remained strong and been patient with me as I've cried almost all day for the past day and a half.  We are a mess. 

But we still bless the Lord. 

He is the Father over all of life and He alone determines the times and the seasons of this life. Slowly but steady I am trusting His hand over my life in ways that seemed impossible at one time.  Yet, we need prayer. Much prayer through this time. Much love from our family to you who read this. 

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.

The simple truth

I cannot believe that we have been a month without our Jacob.  Wow.  Part of me says, "wasn't it just yesterday that he was wrapping his arms around me?" and part of me feels as though it was years ago that I heard his voice calling me "mommy."

He did that - even at 15 years old - even in front of his friends - really everywhere.  I love that he still called me mommy.  He would tell his friends on xbox that he had to go because 'his mommy was asking for his help'.  The ways he showed love to me spoke so deeply to my heart. 

Well, I wanted to share something with you.  It is dear to my heart indeed.

Jacob was full of joy.  Jacob was full of encouragement and hope.  Many of you already know this.  Many of you saw this every day at school - or at church.  He was kind and gentle.  He had a servant's heart and was just overall a wonderful young man.  There is a reason.  You see, Jake knew that he messed up every day.  He knew that I messed up every day.  He knew that the earth is full of broken people.  He knew that we were no exception.  But, he knew something deeper... something far more important.

He knew that God loved him, God loved us anyway. 

Right in the middle of his brokenness.  Right in the middle of our family's brokenness, he knew that God saw us and He loved us.  He had provided a way for us to be healed.  God didn't wait on us to fix ourselves, or clean ourselves up.  God knew before we ever took a breath that we would not be able to live in a way that was pleasing on our own.  And God had a plan to help us - to give us an opportunity to be with Him forever anyway.  You see, when God created us - the human race - He created us to live among us - with us.  He wanted to walk with us - in all of His perfection and Holiness, He desired fellowship with us.  It is staggering really to think about.

When sin entered the world, He had to remove Himself from us.  He is altogether Holy.  He cannot be in the presence of our sin.  And it grieved His Spirit.  So, He made a way - through Jesus Christ.  He said that a Son would be born to us - a Savior that would come to earth to redeem us (Luke 1:31-38; 2:8-20).  His precious Son came as a baby - lived a perfect life - and died because I am sinful, because Jake was sinful, because you are sinful.  He took on my sin - He took on the sin of the whole world.  He took our shame upon Himself so that I could spend eternity in a real place called Heaven if I only confess that I am sinful and need His salvation.  John 3:16-17 says this, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."     

Right now many people are asking why my Jacob died.  They want autopsy results to reveal the "problem".  They want reasons.  Inconclusive is not good enough.  I understand that.  But, for me, it is more precious that it is a mystery to us.  I believe with all of my heart that God took him - much like Enoch.  God walked beside him and delighted in him.  And, on February 5th, 2013 at 2:00pm, it was time for him to go home - to walk with God.
Jake's work here was completed.
He had accomplished all that God had intended for him.

He had lived life well.  That is why it hurts so badly for us.  He was an amazing man of God.  His friends told me that at camp they called him Mac.  At first, I didn't like the sound of that - and then they helped me understand that it stood for Man After Christ.  Wow.  What an endorsement!  Nothing greater can be said about anyone.

He was at school, he was playing dodgeball, and then he collapsed.  I believe that his spirit was gone before his body hit the ground.  I believe that he was in the presence of Jesus before he fell.  The coaches did everything correctly.  They tried with all of their might to bring my boy back.  They did everything they could.  But, he was already in the presence of Jesus giving glory to the One that deserves it all- why would he want to leave that to come back here?

I cannot grieve the same way that others grieve.  Don't misunderstand me...  I grieve.  I mourn from the depths of my soul.  I MISS MY BOY!!!  He was an honor and a blessing to me every single day.  Hear me... every. single. day.  But, he is with my Jesus.  He no longer has any burden to carry.  I am mourning the times I thought I had ahead of us with him.  Graduation.  Marriage.  Grandkids.

In a moment the other afternoon, I was at home all by myself.  The house was so quiet.  I was playing worship music and a song came on that says, "I am leaning on you Jesus, with all my longing laid before you now.  And all I'm needing is you Jesus, and all my wanting is satisfied somehow.  There is no higher worth in all the earth but to love you, how I love you.  No greater call, no life at all but to love you... How I love you."  Later on it says, "How I love you... love you, Jesus, Jesus.  How I love you, love you... Jesus - oh how I love you, I love you."
It was at that moment in the song that I fell to the ground.
Knees hitting hard.
Tears falling hard.
Crying out - singing from the depths of my soul that I did love Him - though, I could not honestly sing that all of my wanting was satisfied.  In that moment, in that very real moment with my God... I told Him that I want my boy - and though I want to be fully satisfied, I was not...  and I was struggling to love Him.  In that moment He looked on me with compassion.  He knelt down beside me and He lifted my face.  He loved that I was honest before Him.  He loved that I - in my humanness, in my brokenness... was still desperately trying to love Him with all that I have.  It was enough for my King.  It was enough. 

My heart does grieve.  I assure you.  But, my heart does not grieve without hope.
I am praying - begging the Lord that if any one of you reading this doesn't understand this hope - this peace that I have ~ to the deep places in my heart and my soul ~ that you reach out to me or to someone you know that has placed all of their hope in Jesus.  Ask me anything you want... I want to share the hope that Jacob had.  The hope that I have.  Our goodbye is only temporary.  I will get to be reunited with my Jake one day.  I will get to stand in the Holy presence of my Jesus - right beside my precious boy and my beautiful momma.  And we will no longer hurt or cry or have pain.  We will be healed.  Completely restored to the glory that God intended for us in the very beginning of time.   

God saw me in my sin.  He loved me anyway.  He did not withhold His Son from me.  My salvation cost the God of the Universe - the Creator of all things - His one and only Son.  How dare I try and withhold my Son from Him?  You see, God is allowing me to share in suffering unlike anything I have ever known.  He is allowing me to understand how costly my salvation was.  It is beautiful.   Friends, the pain of losing a son...  the ache in my heart, the tears in the night, the longing for Jesus to come now... it is all very real.  But, if God chooses to use my boy's life to bring many to Himself - then I want to have a heart that blesses His name in that.  I long to be wholehearted in my devotion to my God.  He is worthy.  He is ever faithful and true and worthy!  He did not withhold anything from me.  So, today I rest in the love of my Most High God.  The Almighty One.  I rest in the peace that He brings to my spirit as I come to Him in my grief.  Oh please - find your hope in Jesus.  Find your hope in the One that will satisfy every longing of your heart if you will just surrender your heart to Him.