Then sings my soul

Some mornings ago as we stood in worship, we sang two songs I hadn't heard yet.
I love that. Standing and listening to people sing from their souls to a song that is new to mine.
Every word is processed in real time and my heart yearns to know the next verse, the next words. Worship is just a part of who I am. God made me this way. Music speaks to me - loudly and often. I love a good melody, but when the words are ridiculous I don't typically like the song. Or, if I can't understand the words... meaningless.

The week I wrote this was a sweet week for my soul. Filled with laughter and card games, sunshine and sand, ocean waves crashing and finding a plethora of shark teeth. It was filled with quiet times and loud times. I read my way through an entire book, and had the satisfaction of doing my "job" from the beach and from the comfort of a couch. It was wondrous for my soul, really. It has me thinking, really thinking about what I am doing here - as in on the earth in these days.  
I cannot think of anything I'd rather do for a career than Real Estate. I absolutely love getting to meet new people, help them buy, sell or invest in a home. It combines so many of my favorite things - it is just a natural fit for me. I know that I am making a difference in people's lives as I help them in their real estate journey and that feels good. It is a great thing to truly have a job that is wrapped around serving others. So cool. I think about how God has made me - the things that He put inside of me that are ignited by different activities. Talking about His goodness and how faithful He is sets my heart on fire. Sharing my story - and His goodness with one lady in a coffee shop, a couple while out touring homes, or speaking to a room filled with hundreds makes me come alive in a way that nothing else does. I love to encourage people. I love to worship God corporately - and all alone. I am wired that way, and I used to think if it was something that brought me such joy and fulfillment it must be "of the flesh" in Christian speak - or selfish to those outside Christianity - what kind of crazy thinking is that? Now I realize the reason my heart comes alive when I am talking about Him is because He created me that way - and He likes that about me. It is such a wonderful thought that when I am operating in the ways He has gifted me, it truly makes my soul come alive. What a gracious God.

I have been thinking a lot lately about a family member of mine that is constantly looking for what is missing. He KNOWS that there is something - someone - some force out there that should be able to explain and give meaning to life. He has seen many hard days. His heart has been torn and devastated. Truly the enemy of his soul has beaten him down over and over. I am constantly praying that He find Truth, and Peace, and Hope. Those things sound like a fairy tale to him. He has lost faith in pretty much everything and everyone around him. In his words, He has "cried out to God - with no response". He has "cried out to Satan - silence". He has been reaching out to anything that feels like it has purpose or meaning - and he is so tired of searching. I love him. I love his honesty, his vulnerability to open himself up. Many try to preach at him. They tell him all of the things he should do to believe, to be better, to find meaning. Some of them have the right idea - but I feel the tactic is all wrong. A verse keeps coming to mind that I have been memorizing this week. It is in the faith chapter of Hebrews. Hebrews 11:6. It says, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." I believe my cousin struggles because he keeps asking God to prove himself. And, the funny thing is, I KNOW that God is able to prove himself. Not hard. He could reveal himself in a thousand ways - and truly probably already has presented himself over and over. But, my cousin does not BELIEVE that God exists AND that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. He feels like God is a lot of things, but I don't think "rewarder" is on the list of his descriptive words of God. It's hard when life has been hard. Unfair. When you feel like everyone around you got a better deal. When even the people you love treat you like if they hang around you your bad luck may "wipe off" on them. So, mostly they avoid you and the one who was constant for him left this world far too young. So there is more loss and more pain, and seemingly no answers.  Sometimes people have a hard time believing the right things about Christ because His followers, "Christians" are such a poor example. They just don't love the way that Christ loves. Sometimes in the name of doing "what's right" they beat you down when all you really need is support and love. I am not talking about enabling poor behavior... but for heaven's sake - just a few kind words - a few encouragements from Scripture that are true for everyone, no matter if they are at the lowest point or the highest point. Or simply just being there - but being QUIET. You don't have to say anything at all to support people sometimes. I heard something at a small conference once that highlights this. It's a simple but poignant phrase. 

Don't try to fix me, just be with me. 

A few years ago I was in the worst situation I have ever been in. I was going through a divorce from a 17 year marriage that I had prayed for EARNESTLY. I lost my firstborn son, my precious Jacob. In one instant - he was gone... this one that brought me so much JOY.  To say finances were tight was a massive understatement. I had 4 precious children looking at me for the way forward and I felt like Anna (from Frozen II) in the cave.

Here are the lyrics to the song she sings in those desperate moments: 

I've seen dark before
But not like thisThis is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around
I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for?
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice
And do the next right thing

This was produced by Robert Lopez, Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Dave Metzger and Tom MacDougall from the Album Frozen 2. 

I think a lot of people going through depression - or having experienced the loss of a loved one feel like this. The grief does have a gravity. You forget what is true - you feel all alone. And no matter how many people are around you - even if they have similar experiences, you ARE alone. You are the only one that had that exact relationship. You are the only one that walking the specific hard road you are on. But, God. He is there. He delights in you. He wants to help. He offers hope and healing and restoration. He is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek him. The difference between  those who have hope and those who don't is this one thing: BELIEF that God is good. Our minds are powerful. Our minds are more powerful than we give them credit for. The subconscious mind processes more information in a few minutes than the most powerful computer. So, it isn't hard to understand why Scripture says to us things like, "Take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ",  or "whatever is true, lovely pure... think on these things." 

You will grow in whatever you put in your mind - whether that is fear or faith. Why not choose to have faith? If you can make your mind continue to think "There is a God and He loves me. He wants what is best for me and He is good. He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." - it will give you faith and hope and peace. There are too many good studies (and too many weird studies) for me to link to here about the mind, but trust me when I say that when something is true in your mind, it is so easily proved out. Just think of all the studies done with Placebo pills instead of real medicine. It is staggering that once people think something - when they are convinced of something it alters their course, and in many ways their health... for the good or the bad. 

Of course, I am also a great believer in the natural things of this world that offer sanctuary to our harried minds. Sunshine, birds chirping, waves rolling in, snow falling, hearing leaves and twigs crack under your hiking boots on a crisp fall morning while the leaves are shades of orange you haven't ever taken in... these things are healing to our minds and our souls. There is something inside us that instinctively knows and understands that those things are beautiful and beauty heals. Who these days doesn't need healing? I don't know about you, but I find that I am fighting for joy where once it seemed so natural. The world is hard and can be so cruel. But Jesus is none of that. He beckons us to just come... and find His rest. He says to let Him carry the big stuff and we can rest that He will be faithful. I am praying that in this world filled with such strange and powerful emotions... my children can let God guide their response to the chaos with peace and love and joy and hope. We do not always get to choose what things and struggles enter into our lives, but we always get to choose how we respond to those things and struggles. 

What peace when we realize that most things are completely out of our control. 

"Grant us peace to accept the things we cannot change..."

 What fear must you overcome to pursue the things that will bring you life and joy? 

"Grant us courage to change the things we can..."

Where do you go to figure out the difference between the two of those? 

"and grant us wisdom to know the difference..." 

Settle in and choose to believe that God is good and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Place all the things you can't change in His capable hands. Find the things that you can change - the things that He placed in you long ago that bring you life and joy- and pursue those - break through the fear inside and run towards your destiny with great hope that He will complete that which He began in you. And pray for the wisdom to know when you can change things and when you can't. 

As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men... including yourself. 

May you find rest and strength and hope today in that which never changes - the Love of God. Whether or not you believe... God is good and He loves you.

Blessings to all of you my friends. Thanks for stopping by. 

Thoughts on Division, Truth, Black Lives Matter and Love...

Yesterday as I was driving in my car with music blaring and reminding me who God is (and who He has always been to me) it occurred to me that most of the things that I do in my life that bring devastation - or lead to bad choices and pain come from other, longer forgotten pains that still come calling every once in a while. I found myself calling out to God to completely heal and restore me in these broken places, freshly torn open by someone who is callous, bitter, mean, cynical and critical. It has taken me almost 24 hours and constant prayer to pray redeeming and good things for this one. It doesn't mean that boundaries won't be set. It doesn't mean that I will allow the offenses to stand... but what it does mean is that I won't let that one person destroy my peace, or cause me to have a strain in my relationship with Jesus. I will pray to forgive (again), I will pray mercy for his soul. I will pray grace over my words, and my life - and grace over his as well. I am still battling with wanting to stand up in pride and exert my justice, my righteous anger. But, if God doesn't win, if love doesn't win - nobody wins. 

I looked up synonyms for Grudge - because this word almost defines his life. Bitterness, ill will, resentment and malice came up. All of it - yes. But, then as I scrolled down I noticed something.. the antonyms for grudge are: friendship, good will, happiness, kindness, respect, love, loving, sympathy, favor and forgiveness. 

Astonishing. It seems like with this I have two choices (though really one choice that leads to life and peace). I can choose to hold a grudge and become bitter, hold ill will and resentments, or I can turn it over (again and again) to the One who knows all things. He knows where this one is lacking. He knows every thing he needs to heal. And, in the meantime, I can choose happiness, sympathy, and forgiveness - which in turn will bring me all the good things that God promises when we turn over our anger and hurts to Him and remember that vengeance belongs to Him. He sees. He knows. He is right. My feelings and brokenness get in the way... but by God's great mercy and grace I can choose to say to that mountain of HATRED - move!!!! - and the mountain will move. I can choose to say to that mountain of PRIDE - be thrown into the sea - and it will be tossed into the sea. God delights in our willingness to say we can't - because He knows He can and He is so ready to help those who call on Him for help. 

This got me to thinking about all the things I haven't been saying right now. I have been so embarrassed by my Christian friends who are out there spreading hate in the name of Jesus. I have been so angry about the ones who group all people together as if they are one and the same in mind and actions and heart. Let me name a few... 

Christians

(Any race) Black, White, Hispanic, Chinese, ANY AND EVERY RACE

Women

Men

Americans

Police officers

Politicians of a specific affiliation

I got to thinking about the brave men and women throughout history who have told us that Hatred always divides and NEVER WINS, and I have been thinking about a great book I read by Bob Goff that reminds us that LOVE WINS. The Bible says that love never fails. Never. God is not a liar. If He said it never fails, then I believe Him. 

Friends, please hear this. It is okay to be angry. But, we are reminded not to sin when we are angry. For every injustice GOD SEES. For every hateful hurtful thing that has been done to you - whether personally or over time throughout your family generations, GOD KNOWS. And no matter what the color of your skin, the nationality you hold, GOD CARES. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us. 

To my Christian friends... please hear my heart. I LOVE the Word of God. It is my life. I do not diminish sin or try to change the Word to say something it doesn't (God help me!). 

 I am recognizing that when God says to humble ourselves and pray - he is not talking to the "lost" - he is talking to the CHRISTIANS. He is saying if MY PEOPLE who are called by MY NAME... so if you are preaching to yourself, yes, please continue to search your own heart and find the million little places you are not humble. Please keep seeking the face of God to break your heart - to listen and to try and have understanding. But, for the love of all things HOLY stop pointing at other people. If you post it on facebook in hopes that you are gonna convict that one sinner and lead them to repentance TAKE IT DOWN!! It does not honor God. This scripture is a call to look inward, not outward to bring conviction, or shame or any other thing. You are not anyone else's Holy Spirit. You don't get to humble other people. The only person you can humble is yourself. You deal with you and then let God handle everyone else. His resume is clear that He has the credentials to do that. Again, if you posted it to yourself as a reminder of your own wickedness and brokenness, by all means, leave it up there and even confess how you haven't been humble. But, if you meant it for someone else's eyes then you yourself aren't following the command therein. 

From here out I am probably going to make a lot of people mad in this post. The thing is - I want to be the first to declare that I am BROKEN. I am not Jesus. I am not perfect and I do not have perfect understanding. I am sinful. I am prideful. I am stubborn. I get angry and I sin in my anger. I forget that loving people is the second highest calling (after loving God) sometimes and put myself before others. I am selfish and I am self righteous. I have sinned sexually more times than I care to recount. I have sinned by going to bed angry. I have sinned with my words, and with my actions. I am a mess. I have hurt others. I have stolen. I have lied. I have had a lot of wrong thinking that led to hurtful statements and I have committed all the sins that Jesus speaks to in the Beatitudes. So, these things I am about to say are not meant to JUDGE. I am the judge of NO ONE. These things are meant to bring together groups of people who are right now worlds apart. 

When are we going to start seeing people as human - and more than that - as individuals? 

When we are little kids at some point or another we probably heard that we are like snowflakes... no two are just alike, right? So now that we are grown ups - why do we try to put any two people- or worse yet a whole group of people in the same exact category? I am a wife and mom. I lost my mom to cancer. I lost my firstborn child and two others that never breathed one breath on the earth. My parents were divorced. I have been divorced twice. I have a political "affiliation". I am a sister. I am a step-mom. I am a friend. I can assure you that NO ONE'S experiences are exactly like mine. I can be sure no one on the earth knows how I feel or think about any particular thing at any given time. So, to say "all black people are...." or "all white people are... " or all police officers, christians, women, men, muslims, Americans, homosexuals, liberals, republicans, democrats, left wing, right wing.... you fill in the blank. What's in the blank in your mind. Be honest with yourself... you don't have to tell me. But, who do you lump into a category?

In the same house this week I have one that posted on social media that "if you don't love this country you are free to leave and you won't be missed" and I have one that says that "July 4th is a Holiday that celebrates only the freedom of "white men".  Dear Lord help me. This is in my own home- and both of these kids need some understanding. How embarrasing.  Not for them... but that I haven't taught them to use social platforms to be loving and to try to unify... not divide. For goodness sake they both need a little less judgement and a lot more love. Neither of those things sound like the thing that Jesus would say. Neither of those things are things that I personally have taught them. But, it is what they learned and it is my job to try and help straighten things out according to the Word of God. 

I HATE CANCER. 

I HATE SIN.  

But, neither of those are people. 

What would you think of me if I said I hate people who have cancer? 

I surely don't hate people who HAVE cancer... not anymore than I should hate people who have sin (fill in the blank on your favorite sin here... adultry, homosexuality, abortion, pride, self righteousness). Jesus NEVER told us to hate people. He told us to hate even the clothes that are stained with sin. But He did not tell us to hate the sinner. 

That's harder right? Look at the beginning of this very post! It's hard for me too.  So, I get your anger. I get that it is hard sometimes to hate the sin and not hate the sinner. For heaven's sake, I have hated myself for my own sin probably more than anyone else. And when people are mean I have a really hard time not hating them as a person. That's just honest right there. I saw a shirt once that said "Mean people suck." I almost bought it. Almost. 

I acknowledge that America is broken and we have a long way to go. I acknowledge that Black lives matter. 

It is not any one person's problem, or any one person's fault that people who live in America are divided. It is all of our problems and all of our faults at some level. I am GRATEFUL to be an American. Most days I am proud to be an American and be lumped in that group, but we do have a lot of work to do to be United and Free - all people together. There are specific groups of people who HAVE been and still ARE oppressed. How can you go outside and not see that? Can you really not acknowledge that some people have to fight for freedom harder than others? Again, this isn't limited to just one group, or one color or one nationality... for heaven sake, but can't you see that there are large groups that have dealt with more - just as there have been individuals across all nationalities that don't make up any group. Let's talk about the sex trade. The countless women (and men) who have been abused as children and sold as sex slaves. The children who have been molested and oppressed and killed. These are not "groups" guys. These are PEOPLE. Every one of them had a name and a face and were created by the same Creator. Until there is a group of people that seek to Love God and then love others (and I'm talking 1st Corinthians type of love) there will continue to be oppression and hatred and division. So, I will end with this one Scripture passage and a few final words. 

13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So, my final thoughts for now are these. I am not ashamed of my kids who are getting it wrong. I just understand that we need to keep having the conversation about loving others. I am not mad at them (today) for sounding foolish, and I am trying to give myself grace for not having taught them earlier or better... we ALL need grace here. But, that is just it. We all need grace. We all need to be seen, to be heard and to feel known. We all need to love better and more often and according to the Love that is described above. That is the only thing that will change us as a country. But it won't change our country until it changes us as INDIVIDUALS. Please see people individually. And please recognize that we are all made by the same ARTIST. 

My Christian friends who have gotten pulled into the divisive dialogues... please back out. Look up and look inward and pray hard. Don't tie Jesus with your judgement. You aren't Jesus, and no matter how much you have studied His book, you aren't the author.  There is but ONE Lawgiver and Judge, and it isn't you (or me). 

My black friends. I love you. I see you. I am hearing you. I am sorry for your hurt. I am sorry for any specific way that I personally have hurt you. (Please message me if this applies so that I am aware.) But know that I see you as an individual and not simply based on your skin. I love you for you - and not for the color of your skin or the groups you are associated with. And, I will try to do better and love more, and teach my kids to do the same as often as I can. 

My friends that don't fall into those two groups (I hate groups... these are all people!!!) - please know if you are in my life you always have a safe place. I will tell you what I believe and I will call sin, sin. But, I will seek God's help to hear you even where we differ. I will seek God's help to love you right where you are because you are worth it. Please don't lump me into a group. Just let me be fully me, and I will try to let you be fully you - without judgement. Where we disagree, I will still try to listen. If we are close I will probably monitor my words less and be a little louder, because I love you and I am vested in you. But, if we are not close, I will try to just listen. I want to hear your pain and where you are coming from. But, please - really - search out whether you are personally being divisive or if you are truly trying to bring EVERYONE together through love.  Sinful people make up groups. Good groups. Bad groups. All groups. I cannot change anyone but myself. I cannot control what others think of me. But I can be true to the One who can change me and who always thinks Holy things about me. I can love Him and seek His face and His counsel in every area I am lacking (which is pretty much every single area!) 

Love and peace to everyone. Jesus came for you. Jesus loves you. Even if you hate... He loves. Even if you condemn - He is grieved, but He loves you. 

2020 - A year to see clearly

This morning as I sat to have some time in silence, I was reading about starting this year with a new perspective. Perspective is important. If we don't have an accurate perspecitve about where we are, it is impossible to know the correct steps to get where we want to go. If you know me at all, you know that I love resolutions. I love to end every year with a list of what did we do, what can we do better? How can I become the best version of myself? The perspective that was offered in a little devotional I was reading was to ask the question of this year:
What do I want to be different?

 It's really an excellent question. I am a do-er, a mover, I love to go and do. It's just part of who I am. So, naturally I was working it through that if I want the year to be different, it means I have to do some things differently. Things don't just magically change because we want them to be different. It is our choices that lead to the change we want (or in some cases, it is our choices that keep us exactly where we didn't want to be). But more on that later.. that topic is a whole book in itself.  I also stopped to think (with much gratitude) of what things I loved about last year.

I am so thankful because I absolutely love my career. Real Estate has been such a great fit for me. I love people and I love homes and the combining of those two in order to usher someone into the walls that will become their home - their place of peace and rest -  is a beautiful thing. I am blessed to have a job that I really enjoy. I am looking forward this year to helping my friends who are clients, or clients who become friends invest in something that helps them to feel at home. What a sweet gig!!

I love my family.I love my husband dearly. He is such a good man. God knew that we would compliment each other in ways that are so necessary for our survival through these hard days on the earth. We have 8 wonderful children. 8 completely different and completely amazing kids. We have 8 kids that have been through abuse, that have been wounded in places that seem impossible to mend, and we are called to be the parents. It is overwhelming and it is humbling to think of the responsibility we carry. This is the part where we know and rejoice that we have a God who is not small. When Jesus entered the scene, actually even before He entered the scene we were told One was coming who would be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God and Emmanuel. Daily we need Him to be every one of those things in our hearts and our home. A lot of days we share laughter, many days we share tears, and every day we have a lot on our plate. It is a crazy combination of joy and devastation, complete peace and total unrest, hopelessness and great hope.

There are days I can sense it is making me who I am supposed to be - leading me to my destiny, and there are days that I feel it will be my complete undoing.  I see those words and they don't seem to make sense, but it is accurate. We set out to create a home filled with Peace, Hope, Love and Safety. Rob and I have reflected on this past year and we see how far we have come in those things, and we are thankful. But, it is messy. It is hard. There are days that I am silent because nothing I have to say is helpful or hopeful or kind. But, there are also days that I can see clearly, and those days help me remember that it is God who bears the burden of all of our hurts and hang ups. It is my job to love Him and love others, but it is He who carries the whole weight of it. 

Image taken from an article by PRIME

That brings me right back to where I started - even the name of the post. What a gift that this year is 2020. Immediately I thought of "perfect vision" 20/20. Then it dawned on me that clear vision is exactly what I want this year to be about. I want to see things as the Lord sees things. I want to be able to supernaturally view each day for what it really is. Wouldn't that be something?
I guess right now I am so taken with that notion I will leave you with song lyrics and head off to pray that this year will be a year of having eyes to see, and thank our Beautiful God that even when we can't see clearly, he always can.

Happy New Year friends! No matter what your year holds, if you will let Jesus be a part of your life - you can be sure that He will hold you.

Below are two of my favorite "vision" songs. Hopefully you are blessed by the lyrics.

God I look to you - Bethel Music

God, I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do

And I will love You, Lord, my strength (sing that out)
I will love You, Lord, my shield
I will love You, Lord, my rock forever
All my days I will love You, God

Be Thou my Vision - penned by St. Dallán Forgaill as a poem and translated by Mary Byrne 

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art

High King of Heaven, my victory won
May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heav'n's Sun
Heart of my own heart, whate'er befall
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all