December with Candice...

So the last week of my life has made me the most grateful lady in the world I think. It has been just unbelievable. So many people know how much my heart ached for a real relationship with our birthmom, Candice. She is so beautiful, and she needs to know how loved she is - from someone whose opinion is not gonna change based on what she can do for them. She is an amazing lady. The short and skinny of it is that she called me last week. She is ready to begin her new life - a life that is lead following the Lord and loving her babies enough to keep out of trouble. I have had the privilege of spending lots of good time with her this week. She has gotten to see Mia and hold her and love her... And we have gotten the opportunity to talk about so much! I couldn’t be more appreciative of our ABUNDANT God! I could never have even imagined the things that are happening in order to ask for them... Thus the verse, “abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine!” How true that is in my life!

There are many things that are precious to my heart about it all. She called me on Mia’s first birthday! What a beautiful day that was! Then, she came to Mia and Jude’s party on Saturday. She was there for Mia’s first birthday party!! Wow, God! Just - wow! We have gone and spent time getting her set up to be a responsible mommy! For those of you who don’t know, Candice is pregnant and due February 4^th, 2010. It has been my privilege to help her and to know her. We have laughed together. We have talked about everything you could imagine! We have spent time together with Mia, and time together without her. She has made me laugh so much!

When we started talking she told me such a funny story! She was talking with some of her friends and told them that I had come to see her. When she told them about me she said, “My baby momma came to see me today!” I love it! It is my favorite new title. The girls all laughed, but she said, “No, really, that is who she is. She is my baby’s momma.” Precious to my heart! I can’t tell you how many times she has handed Mia back to me and said, “She wants you, she wants her Momma.” It is just such a sweet, sweet place to be. I can’t express how much I love this girl! Please continue to pray for her. Life is not going to get easier from here. I know the enemy will want to kill, steal and destroy her. He can’t stand the freedom she is gaining. She is reading her Bible daily, she is praying for faith, and asking that all of my friends pray that she would have faith. She is really keeping a clear mind. Please pray that she will continue to have wisdom and strength to make the right decisions. Please pray that the enemy will not deceive her, but that she will continue to be protected and guided by our Merciful, Beautiful God! Wow! What a sweet, sweet Christmas gift for me. God is so good. He is so loving. He is so Sovereign. What a Loving Creator! Thanks for celebrating with me, and thank you for praying for her. She is just beautiful! If you want to know more of the details, you can send me an email, or call me for coffee. I love this story. This is Mia’s story. This is a precious time in our lives. And even if it all changes tomorrow... God has been so sweet to give us today, and yesterday, and the day before. Wow. I am just amazed at Him.

What a Journey!

Today was an incredible day. Again, a long time prayer was answered. A prayer that began before my daughter was even born. I prayed that our birthmother would be involved in her life. I prayed that we could have a relationship that was good - and that it wouldn’t just be one way communication. And today, I received a 9 page handwritten letter from Candice. I am still just in awe of the Lord. I do not know His ways, or His thoughts, but I am getting more and more familiar with His character. I am so glad that I have an eternity to press in and know Him more. He is so loving and merciful and beautiful. He is faithful and able to move mountains. He is Almighty, a Loving Creator and so Sovereign. I am beginning to see His heart towards me as I see His heart towards our birthmom. It is incredible really. What a privilege to be a part of her life. What a blessing to read these pages - each one affirming how the Lord is hearing me. Each one affirming how she is receiving the love that is in my heart towards her. What a gift. She drew Mia a picture for her birthday. It is beautiful. She is so talented. She is so child-like in so many ways... Good ways. And she has a story that will move the hearts of many one day. I believe Jesus will use her testimony to draw thousands to Himself. He is so amazing. Every word, every thought she expressed was so sweet to my heart. She quoted scripture. She talked about reading her Bible and crying each time she received one of my letters. She said I always make her cry. Isn’t that the way God is though? When He speaks truth to us that the devil has long fought to keep from us, don’t we cry as we hear it? Don’t we yearn to hear how He loves us and will NEVER leave us? I do. I need to know that there is nothing that I can do to keep Him from loving me. Nothing. It was precious to me that this morning I was reminded in Galatians about how we can’t live under the law - the law is death and by trying to please God with my behavior, I am costing myself Life. Galatians 2:19 says, “For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So, I died to the law- I stopped trying to meet all its requirements - so that I might live for God.” I died to the law so that I might live for God. How I love that! What bondage we stay in because we forget that we have to die to the law in order to really live for God. Whew. Still processing that, but it is Truth and it is just so sweet to my heart. I am about to write her again and I will be praising the Lord with every word I type. She has a good future... A hope and a future. Of this, I am sure. Please continue to pray for her. She asked me to tell all my friends to pray. Wow. Precious. So, please pray for her to continue to have faith. Pray that she will be able to achieve the things that she longs for. She wants a family. She wants a real life. She is human. She longs to be loved, and married, and have children that she can raise on her own. Pray that the enemy will no longer have a hold in her life. Pray that she will break free of his lies and his bondage, and that she will receive the life that is hers in Christ. What a journey this life is. What a beautiful, hard, devastating, wonderful journey.

Aching...

My heart is just grieving right now. I know that I have said that we have no idea what kind of life our sweet birthmother lived to bring her to this place of placing Mia in our hands. But, God in His sweet faithfulness has given me a closer look at what this precious girl has been through. It has been such a privilege to know Blair. She has given me much more insight than I thought I would ever have. But, with that, is an ache that I cannot describe in words. Our birthmother has lived through things that you and I have not even read about in books. There was no one to turn to for her. She withstood many things that would have caused me to crumble, and all when she was still just a little fragile girl. God has a plan for her life. God loves her more than I do. But, please, if you read this, stop right now and pray for her. Pray that she would come to know God as the Healer of her heart. Pray that she would know His love and His character in ways that He will have to reveal to her in supernatural ways. And be thankful for your life. Please be thankful for the life you have lived.

My unforgettable 3-day Journey...

I never imagined that I would sign up to do something like this. Never. It wasn’t something I had come up with on my own. I had just been thinking over and over for about a week or two “Susan Komen”... It just kept coming to my mind. I figured that I would be joining my sister this year in the 5k. She and my niece walked it last year, and I kind-of assumed that it would be soon and I would do it. Then I got an email from my sweet friend Corrie. I have known Corrie for almost 12 years. She was emailing me to ask for my support as she walked the Breast Cancer 3-day. I had no idea what was coming next. I asked her for more information and told her that I was considering it (only because I feel like the Lord had prepared me to say yes.) Then, I got the details and I was uncertain. But, I knew that if the Lord asked me to do it, He would give me the strength to carry it through. I imagined long walks (with my iPod) training for the event. This never happened. I was never able to go more than 4 miles during training. Babies just don’t last for 10 miles in a stroller. Ha! So, I felt quite unprepared as I headed to Dallas Thursday night. I felt VERY unprepared. As we drove to the event on Friday morning (after getting 4 hours of sleep the night before) I was uncertain of what would come next, but I knew that it would take God’s help for me to make it 20 miles. I couldn’t even think about 60!

We stood until the sun came up. We talked, we stretched a little, we took a few photos... And we waited. We waited for the start of what would become one of the most physically challenging things I would ever do. Starting out the miles flew by. The first 5 miles were a breeze. We laughed and headed out to the next “pit stop” talking about how it was going better than any of us had imagined. And then between mile 5 and 7 something happened. We talked less. We worked harder. Things started to hurt. And the next 13 miles seemed to be fading into something unattainable. The girls I was walking with were really doing well, so I encouraged them to go on (after all, I can make friends with a brick wall), and I wanted them to go while they could. I stopped and stretched. I saw that lunch (which was basically the halfway point) was still 5 miles away... And I almost lost heart. I made a visit to the medical tent and bandaged up my toes that were starting to blister... and off I went. I don’t remember everything. I know it took me 10 hours that day to walk the 20 miles. I know I hardly stopped, and I ate my lunch in the medical line every day while I waited to get my blisters covered and my knee wrapped. The mileage was taking its toll on my body. By the time I reached camp that evening, I had walked the whole thing. I never took a van, or a bus... and my body was absolutely reminding me of that. I found out later that it was actually 24 miles that we walked that first day. I dragged myself into camp. I had made the last two miles telling a sweet lady I met about my Mia’s story. It made the time go by, and it seemed like her precious story was a great way to forget about the things that were happening in my body. I got to camp and saw a couple thousand (literally) tents. I saw my row (H) and headed that way. I was physically so worn out. My feet hurt so bad. My head hurt. I literally couldn’t even think about walking the whole way to my tent. It was fourth from the end of the row... all the way down the isle. I see my luggage (it was some of the very last on the truck) and start loading myself up like a pack mule. I was ready to cry. I was beyond ready to cry. I started walking and praying that I could make it to my tent. Halfway there I thought about crawling and dragging my stuff. My feet were just done. But, I trudged on, and just before I started crying out loud, my friend said “Christy!” I had made it. I got my things out of my bag to take a shower and I took my tennis shoes off. It was then that I saw the blood in my sock. I couldn’t fathom how I would be able to walk any of the mileage the next day. My friends encouraged me to get dinner before my shower and then go to the medial afterwards. I just did what they said because it seemed reasonable, and it kept me from having to think. We ate. We all went to the showers, and then I drug my very worn out body one foot in front of the other to the medical tent. I sat and waited to get my blisters treated. I was disheartened by the day to say the least. My feet hurt so badly. My head hurt. My whole body hurt.

The lady that was looking at my foot called her supervising medic over. They stared at the blister that had popped on its own and told me that there was nothing they could do for it because it was under a callous on my foot. Then they looked at my pinky toe, and they looked at me and then they looked at each other. This didn’t seem to be very good. She popped the blister (which shouldn’t have hurt I realized later), but she went too deep, and my toe started bleeding and bleeding and bleeding... Oh it hurt. I thought I was going to be sick. But, she wrapped it and looked at the others and said I would be better to leave them alone. I took her word for it and went to my tent. I got out my Bible and read one sentence, and went to sleep.

I can’t explain what happened in the night. I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up many times and tossed and turned... I was still tired the next morning, but I was ready to try again. Unbelievably, the blister that she popped (as well as the one that had popped on its own) felt incredibly better. This I contribute to the many friends I had specifically praying for my feet!

I set out the next morning hoping to make the first pit stop which was about 3 miles away. I made it, had my blisters treated and kept on going. I made it 5 miles before I had to catch a van. I had to go to the bathroom (really bad) and there were no gas stations, or port-a-pottties in sight. So, I was sad to take the van, but relieved at the thought of having a little less to walk. The van took me to lunch and I got a head start on the remaining 11 miles for the day. I walked and found new friends and listened to stories and told some of my own. I took pictures with people I hadn’t known until that day, and I walked into camp that night feeling very tired, but thinking that it really could be possible to finish it out the walk (on my own two feet). I went to bed early. Read a little more of my Bible and prayed for my friends I had told I would pray for on my walk.

It was a hard thing to realize that while I was walking it was so difficult to focus on prayers for others. I wanted to pray, I started (many times) to pray for people, and I would be interrupted in my prayer by a crooked sidewalk that caught me off guard, or by the pain in my knee, or the need for a bathroom. It was hard to focus on anything but myself. I hated that. So, as I walked I tried to make new friends and be a light to them... It was better than thinking about my toes :0)

As I walked into the last cheering station for the day (this was a station that was set up just for us to be encouraged and literally hundreds of people came out to clap and tell us we were doing great!) I started crying. I couldn’t stop. One lady held up a sign that had Isaiah 40:31 on it. Soar on wings as eagles... Hope in the Lord. The truth made me a very broken lady. It was then that I realized that I was walking faster (by a lot). I realized that over and over again the Lord was putting in my mind this one thing, “since you are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses..) That was it! It was the perfect picture of my life. In the cheering station, as I hear and see the people telling me it is possible... I walk faster... I lift my head. I smile and think to myself “This is possible after all”. But as their cheering fades, and the road ahead looks hard, and I loose sight of those witnesses, I lose the ability to persevere and I forget that “Nothing is impossible for God”. If only I could “see” those witnesses in my mind all the time. If only I could remember that there were those that went before me, who are cheering me on towards the goal... The prize. I could walk in a holier way. I could press on towards godliness with fervor. I know that there is much left for me to realize from this walk. I know that I was worn out -physically and emotionally by the time I was finished.

On the last day, as I was 3/4 of a mile from the finish line, I stubbed my worst blistery toe. At first there was no pain at all. Then, there was a tingling numbness. And then, the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I kept walking because I knew that if I slowed down I would never make it to the finish line. I literally walked faster and faster with tears streaming down my face from the pain saying, “Jesus help me, Jesus help me” all the way. It was the only thing I could do. I was crying out to Him. I told Him over and over, “It hurts so bad... It just hurts so bad” and then my friend sent me a text message. It said, “How much more you got left?” I texted her back, “less than one mile, but I just stubbed one of my blisters really hard and I am crying.” And she texted me back this scripture in record time! Her fingers must have been flying over those keys! It said, “the Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight for you... You have seen how the Lord your God carried you as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.” Deut. 1:30. Needless to say, the tears flowed even more, and then the most amazing thing happened. The pain began to lessen, it did not go away. It was still very painful to walk each step, but it was getting less and less and I was getting closer and closer.

As I walked through the crowd of people (who represented the finish line) cheering and telling me “You did it! You made it all the way!” I was crying. I was given a pink rose, and a t-shirt and then I stood on the other side of the crowd. I can’t tell you all of the things that were going through my head. I was suddenly lonely. I had done it. I made it all the way. I had finished 60 miles. I was so tired. I was so sore. I wanted my mommy. Wasn’t that the real reason I was walking in the first place? I just stood there holding my stuff in my hands and cried. A sweet friend I had met on the walk came running over. She threw her arms around my neck and said, “Christy, you did it!” I just hugged her and cried. I cried because never in my life had I persevered under such hard circumstances and never in my life had I been in so much pain at once. I sent out a text to Ken and a few other friends that simply said, “I did it.” That was all I could say. I had finished and God had helped me. Bloody feet. Sore muscles. Tired body and heart, but God had sustained me, and I was finished. Praise God for His Grace and His mercy! I can’t wait to see what more He has to show me over the next few weeks and months about who He is, and this great cloud of witnesses that is really cheering me on towards holiness. What a journey! What a lot to take in. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for donating to this cause that will move research forward. My children thank you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ordained

I am constantly amazed at the way I can see God’s hand all over my daughter’s life. Of course, He says it in His Word that He cares for us all this way, but it is so different... So visible to me in her life. We have prayed and prayed for her life to shout of His Glory. We have prayed that she will know her birth-mom, Candice. We have prayed that we could establish relationships with her biological family so that we can answer any question that she ever wants to know. I can’t explain with words how it feels to be her mom. She is my daughter. My beloved daughter. She is to me as much mine as Maddy (or any of my boys). There is no difference in the way we love her. She is our daughter. I don’t think people can understand this. God wrote her on our hearts long before she was born. The difference is, he brought her to earth through a precious lady named Candice. God grew our family far beyond what we ever knew He would. How precious that is to me.

This past week God proved Himself again to be the “ordainer of days”. He has surely ordained every step in Mia’s life. As I was showing a friend of mine a picture of Candice (and two of her sister’s), she said that Blair, Candice’s full sister looked familiar. I told her where I thought she knew her from and then, in an instant - everything changed. She asked me, “didn’t I just see her at the daycare?” My heart jumped. No, it couldn’t be... How could she have worked for us and we didn’t even know? But, surely, this beautiful girl that I have looked at every morning (in the picture) as I prayed for her was even at that moment working at the daycare. I was stunned. I was ready to run there on foot! I called Tiffany (our wonderful director) and asked if Blair was still at work. She said yes. I told Tiffany not to let her leave... I was on my way to come and talk to her. So many thoughts were racing through my mind.

Can you imagine? For over three months this precious, beautiful girl had been right beside us, and we didn’t even know. God had brought her to us. God had set her in that place for a bigger purpose than any of us knew. I knew that there was no way she could’ve known. So, I pulled her out of her class and asked her to sit down. Then, I told her, “My daughter, my baby girl is your neice.” She was trying to process it, and I cleared it up even more. “My baby girl is your sister, Candice’s baby.” The moment was priceless. It was one that I will treasure in my heart forever! We stood and talked - and of course, we went to see Mia (who was trying to fall asleep). Blair told me that she had just seen Candice and that she had asked her about “the baby”. Little did she know that she had been seeing “the baby” about three days a week for over three months! Wow. Let that really hit you. She had been seeing her, and keeping Jude - for months - yet she was praying and aching in her heart to know where she was and that she was okay. All the while none of us knew it. All the while God was letting us get to know Blair outside of her life as our daughter’s aunt. I taught her CPR. I talked to her, off and on for months before we knew. And in that moment, when it hit me, EVERYTHING changed.

She is a beautiful girl. That is one very funny part of the story. Tiffany and I had been talking about all of the girls at work, evaluating them, and when her name came up, I said, “Tell me again who she is.” And then, I answered my own question, “Oh, she is the girl that has a really beautiful face, and amazing eyes, right?” And Tiffany said yes. I already thought she was beautiful. But, she became in that instant much more beautiful to me.

I just wanted to stare at her. I see so much of Candice, so much of Mia in her face.. In her eyes. It is hard to explain (or understand) the love that is in my heart for Blair already. Of course, I have been praying for her for 9 months! But, I mean it. It is so weird, but I adore her. I would do anything for her. I can’t wait for Mia to be old enough to understand this story. God has just shown me over and over again how He has a plan for every day of my little girl’s life. For all of my babies, He has a plan, a BEAUTIFUL plan. It is no wonder that there was such warfare over this precious baby’s life. She will have a testimony that shouts to the world that there is a God. There is a loving, Creator that thinks the world of her. What an amazing story. How blessed we are to be a part of it. I am simply in awe of the beauty of my God.

So, tonight it is forgiveness on my heart. You know that thing that can bring you to tears when you ti

What an amazing God!

I don't have words to describe the thankfulness that is in my heart. Today, September 1, 2009 a 9 month old prayer became a reality! Today, our birthmom, Candice held her baby again - for the first time since we brought her home from the hospital. Wow. I knew I had prayed for it. I knew it would mean a lot to me... but I really had no idea. When the Word talks about Jesus doing things abundantly beyond what we can even ask or imagine, well it is just that. I couldn't have even imagined what a sweet time it would be. For over an hour (almost an hour and a half), I watched her hold Mia. She wouldn't take her eyes off of her. She just kept talking about how beautiful, how sweet, how content... how you can tell she is well cared for and loved. She talked to me like a friend. Not like I was some stranger that was raising "her baby"... but like a friend, like someone she trusts and as if she knew she can let her guard down around me. She said that she guesses it was "Time for her to see Mia again. She was more prepared." Except - she was totally not prepared for our visit! She isn't living with her mom anymore... and we had NO idea that she would be there. I dared to ask some friends to pray that if it was God's timing she would be... but she had no "reason" to be there.

She said that she just knew that she should come see her mom. She understands that there is a reason for everything under heaven! There is so much more! So much, but it is sooo late! I just had to get some out before I busted! What a FAITHFUL God we serve! What an amazing Creator! What a Beautiful Savior. I am in awe of His hand in our lives. We are blessed beyond measure. Wow.

Tamar and Absalom...

I was just reading the story of Tamar again. I think it is one of the saddest stories in the Bible. I think it is a story that many people could read and misinterpret God’s intentions towards us. Tamar did nothing wrong. She was wronged in an enormous way! By her own brother - no less. Thankfully, where one brother was the evil in her life that drove her closer to the Lord, the other brother was a shelter for her - an avenger of sorts. He interests me, this man Absalom. He was a man that clearly loved his family. He was a man that had a heart for justice - as does our Jesus. However, he couldn’t seem to understand that God clearly says that vengeance is His alone. His downfall seems to have begun with bitterness... A bitterness towards his brother that would have him plot murder and see it carried through. A beginning that would take him further than he probably ever intended to go. Please don’t get me wrong. I do believe that Amnon should have been held accountable for his crime against his sister. I do believe that it was a terrible injustice that he could take those things from her - and then banish her - despise her even where the Word says that she “lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.” Ugh. A desolate woman. Desolate means, “devoid of inhabitants and visitors, deserted, joyless, disconsolate, and sorrowful through or as if through separation from a loved one; showing the effects of abandonment and neglect.” Not what I want to describe the rest of my days.

Certainly a terrible offense had been committed. But I think we forget that as great as the offense is against us and to us, it is even more offensive to our Holy God.

Was God not grieved by this?

Was God not going to bring about justice in this situation?

It is my opinion that Absalom allowed his hatred towards his brother to fester for two years. All the while, a mounting feeling of distaste for his own father grew. He likely resented David for not doing something to protect his daughter. The Word doesn’t say this. I can only imagine he began to despise his father for his lack of action in this situation. So, he took the matter in his own hands, forgetting that it lay in the Hands of One who is far more capable to see that true retribution take place. So, he plots and he kills and then he runs, and he hides. 2 Samuel 13:39 tells us that King David longed to go to Absalom and that he mourned constantly for his son (Absalom). After a very interesting “enactment”, David calls for his son, Absalom’s return. It is carried out quickly, but David will not let Absalom come to him, and see his face. I don’t know why this is. I didn’t write the Book, nor do I understand the hearts of men. I only know that he didn’t see him... And Absalom’s heart was once again grieved by his father - he says it would’ve been better had he not even returned than to return and not be able to see his own father. In order to get this message to his father, he burned up Joab’s field. Again, he tried to meet with Joab (who had been the instigator in bringing him back in the first place) and when it didn’t go according to his plan and time frame, he burnt Joab’s field to gain audience with him. Again, he takes matters into his own hands.

This post could be very much longer, but I will end with this one thought... As I was reading “The Holy Wild” by Mark Buchanan, he talks about Cain and Abel. And he wrote a sentence that has struck my heart and wont let go. It’s a bit long, but worth the read. Worth the time spent pondering its validity. Buchanan says this, “...of all those (Bible) stories, one haunts me most: Cain’s faithlessness. What gets me is a crisp New Testament gloss on the ancient tale. ‘By faith,’ Hebrews says, ‘Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did.’ Abel was a man of faith. Cain, by implication was not. But, he was no atheist, Cain. He was no Nietzsche, rabid with blasphemy... No Freud...

Cain was none of that.

Cain knew God.

Cain talked with God, maybe daily, without candor, face to face, as one friend talks to another. They had a relationship, God and Cain, an intimacy even. They reasoned together. Cain complained to God, argued with Him, rebuffed Him, pleaded with Him. God rebuked Cain, invited him, questioned him, protected him.

Cain knew God.

He just had no faith... Faithlessness is not unbelief. Faithlessness is the refusal to trust. It’s the refusal to rest in God and, therefore, risk for God... Cain is the man who would never, not for anything, not for anyone put all his weight (trust) in God. His character will not rest in God’s character. Only a fool would do that, and Cain’s no fool. He’s shrewd.”

Oh Lord help us. His character would not rest in God’s character. Is that what we see with Absalom? Is that what drove him to try and steal the kingdom from his father? You alone put authority over us, and yet, we act like we are justified in our rebellion just because of their “human-ness”. Help us, Lord. I ask for mercy. Yes, Lord let us learn what it means that you are merciful.

Let us not, like Absalom, and Cain trust in ourselves and our ability to seek out justice - over your ability to see true justice done. You are Just. Your character is spotless. You alone can avenge in all fairness and righteousness. Teach us who you are!

Big Changes...

Well, there have been many changes in our home over the last few months. My heart is so overwhelmed really. For 11 years we have been part of one of the most amazing churches I've ever heard of - and certainly ever known as home. Living Hope has been our family. Our place of worship and fellowship for a long time. It seems impossible to imagine... but after all of this time we feel the Lord leading us to a new fellowship. I have to admit... my heart aches. Though I am confident the Lord knows best - my heart aches to think of all of the wonderful memories and know that we have to start over - making family with new families in a new place. I am excited to meet new people. I love people. But, I am sad for the memories in that old, wonderful, familiar place. The good news is that we don't have to leave that family. We don't have to break ties... in fact, unity and love are what God is all about - and we won't lose our love for LHBC. We will get to spend eternity worshipping with many of the people in that body of believers in fact. But, on this Earth, for this short time - God is calling us to become members of a new family. I am excited to see what He will do. He is God. He has the right to ask us to do anything He wants. He has the right to take everything away... He has the right to turn our whole lives upside down. And even if it doesn't make sense on this side of eternity... if it is His will... it is the only thing we want.

During these last few weeks and months as we have spent time praying, we have also been busy doing "chores". Among these chores was planting trees. God is so amazing. I planted a tree in my front yard. All the while knowing that God is faithful. All the while knowing that this tree was representative of me in so many ways. It was smaller than the other trees - and weaker. It was drying up too quickly. It was dying. By the time I got it in the ground - it was really dead. Everyone that came over would just shake their head and tell me that it wasn't gonna make it. But, I prayed. Yep, that's right. I prayed over that tree - I prayed for that tree. It was a symbol of me. It was what was going on in my heart and mind all displayed in my front yard. And it was hopeless. BUT - we have an amazing God. I kept praying that if Jesus could make a fig tree wither with just one sentence... He could make my oak tree live with just one word... with just one glance. I KNEW He could make it live. He reminded me that He is the one that gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). Yes, this is the God that I serve. This is the God that I love. This is the God that I want to give all of my affections to. And He spoke. And my tree is living. It is thriving in fact. New sprouts have begun to blossom all over and it is becoming green and beautiful. I am begging the Lord to do the same inside of me. To revive me and make the dead things alive. To renew the things that are dry and replace them with new sprouts of life. He can do this in me too. That tree is my symbol of hope. If you're driving by, you should really stop to take a look at it. I praise His name for that tree. He is Faithful. He is Beautiful.

Big Happy Family

Look at those beautiful kids! All 5 of them. Wow! We are so blessed. SOOO Blessed!!! God has been so sweet with us. Ken and I are constantly amazed at how blessed we have been in the "kid" department. God is good. So, here's an update on all kids for the summer (since I have some friend that keeps nagging me about us only "spotlighting" Mia...) ;)

Jake is turning 12 in two months. He has officially begun the process of turning into a teenager! Ha! He is already sleeping longer in the mornings. He is taller than me. He is an AMAZING helper and great big brother to all of these brothers and sisters ;) He is so witty and constantly making me laugh. He is such a good kid. What a blessing he is to me every day!

Maddy is turning 9 in two weeks! She is in the middle of a bunch of changes. She wants to be grown already, and yet, she still wants to be a kid. She is a great help to me with the babies... now if I can just get her to be a help with the laundry ;) She is about to cut her hair again and she is constantly amazing me with her fashion sense. She can do her hair (and always could) better than I do her hair! She is a little DIVA and a great big Sunshine! She is constantly making us smile. We were watching videos that she had taken on her camera - and this girl is CRAZY! She is "just like her momma" they tell me. And yes, she is.

Jared just turned 7! He is a snaggletooth right now! 8 teeth have fallen out in the last few months. They are all growing in, but still... there are lots of holes in there!!! So cute. We have taken so many pictures of him because of that. He is absolutely precious. He loves to color and loves to give things to people. He has the gift of giving. What a doll! He is enjoying his summer in the pool and playing games with his big brother.

Jude is a handful! Oh he is a naughty one. But, he is so dang smart. That's what it is. His main problem is that he is smarter than a lot of 4 year olds... and we can tell. For example, he got in trouble for hitting his sister and Ken got on to him. He then said, "Say yes, sir." Jude stares... looking like he has no idea what Ken is saying. Drama insues and he gets a spankin. Two minutes later I ask him if he wants to go outside and tell him to say yes, sir and before I even get it out... he says "Yes sir." ugh. little punk. He makes you think he doesn't know when he is being stubborn.. but if it is something he wants.. oh yes, sir or yes ma'am comes flying out of his mouth. He is absolutely precious. A mess, but precious. He can tell you he is going to be 2 on his next birthday, but he holds up one finger (or sometimes 5) ;) Precious, I tell you. He is ever helping his little sister Mia. He brings her her bottle, her toys, her pacifier (which she doesn't even take) and anything else that is little or pink. It is precious. And he is constantly kissing her on the head. Oh man. That melts my heart. Jude is also not afraid of water at all! We have to watch him like crazy at the pool - or at the river. He will stick his face under and bounce up and down and he is constantly trying to drown himself. He is crazy about swimming! We have our hands full!!!

And then, there is Mia. I know, you already know most of it... but she is the one who has been changing the most in the last few months. She now has pierced ears and she is trying to crawl. She LOVES her jumperoo and hanging out with her daddy. She is just an amazing little girl. At the adoption ceremony we all were crying. What a miracle baby she is! Even the lawyer started crying. My favorite part was when the judge asked our lawyer if he needed to ask the questions because she was too choked up to talk! LOVE IT!!! What a precious day! Granny Joan and Pawpaw bought her a necklace and bracelet to wear. She looks stunning in them. Just stunning. She is a little captivator! What a joy she is too! She is constantly cooing and smiling. She LOVES the water - cold or warm. She doesn't care... she just loves the water. We are going to have a great summer!

That's about it! We are going to Disney in August and until then we are just hanging out and having a great time being a BIG Happy Family! We love it! God is good. He is so Faithful!

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow... oh tomorrow. I don't have words in my heart to describe all of the things I feel about tomorrow. What a precious day. Praise flows from my heart... our little girl... our miracle baby girl... We will finally get her birth certificate. We will get her social security card. We will officially give her a new name. She has always been our little girl in our hearts. This ceremony will not make her ours. God made her ours before the world began. But, this ceremony, this precious ceremony will be when we make a covenant before our families, and before our God that we will care for her for all of her life with the love that God has given us - that we will raise her according to His Word. She will be, finally... adopted.

I wish my mom were here. How beautiful that the very day that my mom passed away 16 years ago is the day that we will finalize the adoption of our precious daughter. But God has given us hope. It hit me several months ago that God really intended for us to all be a family forever! Though heaven is not about reuniting with loved ones we have lost... it is simply about being in the presence of the Only one Holy... the Lord God Almighty - and worshipping Him forever and ever.... it is still true that I will see my mom again. And she will see my kids. She will know them forever and ever. I don't know what that looks like. I only know that our fleeting time here is NOTHING in comparison to FOREVER! I was 17 when I lost my mom. That means that next year I will have lived as long without her as I did with her. Hear me when I say our time on Earth is so small in comparison to all of eternity. The Bible says it is only a breath. Think of that... One breath. How fleeting is that? How many breaths do we take in just one hour... one day... and one breath.... I want to grasp this. I want to live for the forever side of life.

All of this to say that my heart rejoices in what the Lord has done for us. The Lord is faithful in everything He does. He is good and everything He does is good. He is Holy. He is Worthy. He is Beautiful. He is Sovereign. Praise His Name! Praise Him for the works of His hands!

Psalm 103

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

"Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 This morning my heart aches for some of the things that I feel like the Lord has put deep in my heart. Being that I am human and finite in wisdom, I am sad. I see circumstances that seem to shout that certain dreams in my heart will never come to pass. I doubt which things are really put in there by the Lord and which are the plans of my heart. All of it I hold in my open hands, above my head... asking for God to pluck out those things that are my purposes, my plans. And those that are His, I am asking for Him to grant me belief. It is scary to share the many things in my heart here. Though, I know that not many read this.. and those that do for the most part love me and want good things for me... It is hard to be so vulnerable as to say that my heart longs to sing. I want to sing His praises. It is a strange thing how I have missed this. It is hard to explain... but all the same my heart aches. I am not sure that I am even making sense... but I know that there is a plan deep in my heart to honor my King through worship... now if I can just figure out if it is my plan - or His purpose... I know that in this time He purposes that I would worship Him in the ways that I can. I don't just think of worship as singing corporately, or leading worship... and yet, this is the stuff that I long for... sitting with a small handful of people whose hearts are set on seeking this King... this Creator... and lifting our voices and hearts in worship of Him who is so WORTHY! I am aching for this worship. And in the meantime, I know that He hears my heart singing to Him even now as I listen to "The more I seek you"... He hears me when I can't sing out loud... and yet I cry longing to sing out loud - from the rooftops even, of His faithfulness.... "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless, O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." Yes and Amen.

Oh beautiful mountains!!

Today is an amazing day! I am looking (right now) at snow capped mountains and sitting in the 65* weather of beautiful Estes Park, Colorado. I am on the balcony of my hotel room with my husband working 10 feet from me and my precious daughter playing in her crib (which was added to our room at no charge!) I am about to settle in with my blanket (I am in the shade and a little chilly) and my Bible and spend time in the Word. Does it get any sweeter than this?

It looks like if I climbed the tall mountain I could reach in and get a handful of the clouds. The breeze is blowing... the sun is shining. Really, God is an amazing Creator. Mia is becomming our most well-traveled child. At 5 months old she has already been to San Antonio, Kansas City, Colorado and several more cities in Texas. She is really getting around! In the Summer she will add DisneyWorld and possibly Silverton, CO to that list. Lucky girl! :) Today I am thankful for a creative Creator. I am thankful for Elk walking through town and snow on the mountains. I am thankful for expensive sandwich shops that remember your name and thoughtful hotel personnel who bought flowers for our room since they knew it was our anniversary. What? That is crazy. So sweet, and so wonderful. Yesterday was difficult... lots of time in the car, on the plane, in the rental car place and the drive to Estes Park, but today, all the hecticness fades a little bit every hour. Anyway, the kids are all doing wonderfully!

Ken and I got an email from one of Jacob's teachers that was so sweet. It bragged on and on about what a great kid he is - respectful and considerate... such a good student and a blessing to have in class! Maddy is a loving and super-smart girl who is now fluent in Spanish. Jared is up and coming on his Spanish and an absolute precious child! For mother's day - he made me flowers, picked me flowers, treated me to ice-cream with his money... and told me over and over that I was the best mommy in the world. He is my thoughtful boy! Jake also took me to lunch on his money and Maddy has a whole coupon book of things I can redeem.. ice-cream, dvd, lunch.... precious!!!

Jude is with Aunt Lisa and having a blast being spoiled! He is really hilarious now. He can communicate really well... he tells me when he is hungry ("eat, eat") or when he wants to "go". He knows all about juice and straws and candy in the candy jar. That is "peas, peas?" So precious! He really is growing up (with a mouth full of teeth!)

And then there is Mia... oh Mia. We have been stopped literally for over an hour combined on this trip (less than 2 days) with people asking us about her... it is funny. Precious and funny. She is really captivating! What an angel. She was so precious on the plane... so sweet on the drive and so great while we eat! She falls asleep with no drama and is just content to coo at herself in the mirror as we drive. She is spoiled, but so worth it!!!

All in all, I again say that I might be the MOST BLESSED lady in the whole world!!

Busy busy and ready for summer!

It's easy to see how life has become too busy when I think about all that the Lord has accomplished over the last month and I haven't even written about it. The biggest news... our birthmother signed the voluntary relinquishment papers, which means that we don't have to terminate her rights. It was beautiful. The Lord in all of His Sovereign majesty saw fit to bring her to just the right place at just the right time. It was nothing short of a miracle - and I want you to be able to praise the Lord with me! He is gracious and compassionate... slow to become angry and abounding in love. He is the Creator of the ends of the earth. The Everlasting God. The God who saves. This is now my prayer - again. I am asking that He will pull her from the depths. I am asking that He will reach His mighty arm down from on high and save her soul. But, in this time He has also taught me that we are not just to seek His arm... His arm that provides. He longs for us to seek His face. To seek Him. Simply, He invites us to know Him... which is much better than any gift that His arm might bring.

I am called to be a woman of prayer. I seek His arm literally all day long. But, it is in the still moments... those quiet times when all the kids are asleep and there is little else that could be done that He whispers to me... "Seek My face..." So, as David, I long for my response to be "Your face Lord will I seek..." Though there is nothing at all wrong with asking the Lord to provide for us, for our friends and family... there is nothing wrong with asking the Lord to reach down from on High and save... He wants us to ask Him to do those things. He loves to provide for us. But, He longs that we know Him. He says, "My beloved your companions are fortunate to hear your voice... let me hear it too." (Song of Songs 8:13.)

In June we will be able to finalize our adoption. Technically, that means that Mia will be recognized by the State of Texas as our daughter. Her new birth certificate will be printed and she will be Mia Destiny Simmons. She will officially be "adopted". That reminds me of something that we have to claim. Many people don't even realize that they think that adoption somehow means "less". I will tell you what I mean. Didn't we tease our friends or siblings about being adopted when we wanted them to feel like they didn't belong? That is rooted in something that Satan has been trying to do in our hearts since before we could ever understand. He wants us to feel like adoption is less, because if we ever really got it... that we are adopted by the King... well... let's just say it wouldn't bode well for the dark kingdom. Can you imagine if for one day you really lived like you were a Daughter of the King? Princesses live in castles (okay going to fairy tale land for a minute). They wear beautiful dresses, they have favor with the King. They get to eat at the royal table and ride in the royal coach. They have beds that are soft and comfy and they are never in a place of want. Even think of Princess Diana. Though, I don't really know what it was like to be her - one thing I really understand - it was easy to grasp... she had favor before the people. She was recognized as a princess. She was royalty and there was a certain air about her that made people have respect for her. I don't mean to ramble... but really, we just don't understand. The Bible tells us that we are now co-heirs with Christ. We are a royal priesthood. But we spend most of our lives living as if we were a pauper.

Can you imagine if we dressed our biological children in beautiful clothes and we dressed our precious Mia in rags? What if we didn't have a seat at the table for her, so she had to eat alone a distance away from the table? And yet, isn't this the image that you have of yourself with God? You aren't "worthy" to eat at the royal table? You are less because you are not a natural born child of His? We aren't worthy on our own. We are unable to be holy enough to get to our God. He is perfection and beauty and purity. We are filthy. But, that is why the promise is so sweet. That is why the gift of Jesus is everything we need to hold on to. His (Jesus') righteousness was put on my account when I came to know Him as my Savior. My outstanding debt was wiped clean and His righteousness was posted to me. God views me as His child. God does not see me as less. He does not look at me as the one He felt obligated to save. I want Him to continue to teach me about this. But, I want you to know this... I never knew until we had Mia in our home to love what adoption really meant. I am an imperfect person. I do not love perfectly like God does. But, I can promise you that this precious baby girl is not loved less. Many times I actually forget that she didn't come from my body. She is my daughter. Before time began, God had written her on my heart and she is my child - not one bit less than my biological children. She isn't somehow inferior to her brothers and sisters. We love them all the same. There is no exception with our Mia.

God is opening my eyes about how much we should rejoice that we have been adopted as His children. Ephesians 1:5-12 says it this way, "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.... in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ may be for the praise of His glory."

I was laying out on the trampoline. Two precious babies asleep, three big kiddos in school... and I was having a moment of quiet peacefulness and talking with the Lord. In that sweet time, the Lord etched something on my heart that was so sweet. I will conclude this long note with it. My prayer is that I would no longer let the enemy steal from me my inheritance, and that you wouldn't let him steal it from you either. I know how much I love Mia. I know how there is no difference, nothing "less" about my love for her. I want to understand more clearly how that applies to me in regards to our Perfect, Loving Daddy. Lord, help me get it...

I Am Chosen

I was chosen by the Creator before the world began.

He formed me in my mother’s womb and chose to give me life and call me His child.

I was chosen to receive this life by my birth-mom

who carried me inside for 8 months instead of ending my life by abortion.

I was chosen by my adoptive family, both in their hearts before they knew me,

and now physically as they get to love and care for me.

I was chosen. I am chosen. I am dearly loved.

I am loved by my Creator - God. I am loved by my birth-mother.

I am loved by my adoptive family.

I am not less because I am adopted.

I have been given a chance at life.

I am chosen. I am cherished. I am loved. I am adored. I am adopted.

Sweet Stillness!

I wish you could be here with me. Well, that is not entirely true. I wish you could be somewhere like I am able to be right now. But, honestly, I am really enjoying my time alone. It is 65 degrees. The sun is out - with a few clouds - and the breeze is cool. Birds are singing all around me and I am sitting on a balcony overlooking beautiful trees - and in the distance - a quiet lake. There is a hush in the air. A stillness, a peacefulness that I rarely partake of at home.

I had hours this morning of worship. Sometimes singing... sometimes praying... sometimes just sitting in stillness before the Lord, and sometimes trying to erase the billion thoughts jumbled in my head. We sang a song that moved my heart. I want to sing it out loud - I want to play it on the piano. “All I want is you and all I need is found only in your heart.” The melody is almost haunting... it is so beautiful. It is as if it grips your heart and pulls you toward something you know to be true, but you rarely acknowledge as the truth by your actions.

Why it is easier here to skip a nap and study I am not fully sure of. The weather is perfect. The balcony doesn’t hurt anything, nor do the trees and birds. It is easy to see a stillness that exists in the earth. A quiet restfulness that isn’t sleep, but is as restful as if I had taken a long nap. My precious baby girl is sleeping peacefully downstairs. She has been a delight.

I am so aware of the sin in my life right now. Though it isn’t as if the Lord is bringing it all to light to slay me with it. It just breaks my heart that it is keeping me from intimacy with Him. I have been eating like a crazy woman. I am constantly craving sweets and things that are not necessarily healthy for my body. And I am giving in a lot to those cravings of my flesh. I have given in to the desire for sleep and the desire to feed my flesh so often. It is like I am given over to desires that Jesus came to free me from. It isn’t that He doesn’t want me to have sweets, or to get sleep... He commands us to rest - to take a Sabbath... and yet, I am so unbalanced in the way that I choose to live in these areas. I have always been quite the extremist. One day completely abstaining from the things that numb my heart and the next indulging until I am almost sick from the emptiness gained from the filling of my flesh.

I am reminded of (and thankful for) Paul’s words in Romans “who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Yes, praise be to God for Jesus who made atonement for all of the sin of the earth. So that if we but receive the gift of Grace given to us - we can be free from this sin that easily entangles! This is beautiful in Hebrews.. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak Samson, David...) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” He did it all for the joy set before Him. And do you know what that joy is? He is now at the right hand of the Father - for eternity! And because of His sacrifice, we will one day join Him in Heaven. Why is it so hard to live this life as if it is as temporary as it really is? We will be here just a moment, and then it will all pass away and only the things done for eternity will last! I want to get this!!! Well, I am off to spend more time in the scriptures. What an amazing day! I am so thankful for my husband who allows me this time... this time to get away and be still with the Lord. What a precious gift he is to me. What a precious gift he has given me!

Thankfulness...

“If you have played the fool and exalted yourself, or if you have planned evil, clap your hand over your mouth! For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” Proverbs 30:32-33

So, in my life I have certainly played the fool. I am afraid that my biggest struggle is that of exalting myself. It is ugly to say - especially to share... but it is true. It has been often that I exalt myself in my mind (and to others). I love to be noticed. I love to be told how wonderful I am. I feel as if I deserve that in many ways. God has been revealing some pretty ugly things inside of me lately. I love that about Him. He wants me to be holy. He wants me to bring Him glory in all that I do. But, the more I exalt me the less I exalt Him. It is the nature of things. John the baptist had this wisdom. It is why he said, “I must become less... He must become more.” Yes. That is the key.

I have been thankless. I have been self-centered. I have thought more highly of myself than I ought. I have been unforgiving. I have been lazy. There it is - all out in ink now.

Whew. That feels good. It feels good to just know that I can say all of those things and God loves me just the same. His opinion of me isn't diminished. I want to become a woman who gives thanks for all things.

I am married to an amazing man. I am married to a man who is just and loving. I am married to a man that desires to be a “good and faithful servant”. I praise the Lord for that. He is a very handsome man. He is my hero. He is my love.

I have five beautiful children. FIVE! Wow! I am so blessed. Three amazing sons and two beautiful daughters. How great is the love that the Father has lavished on us!

I want to write. I want to sing. I want to live a life that is fragrant with Worship of the King. The Only One Worthy. He is my Everything. I want that to pour from me like a beautiful melody. Like a song that makes everyone feel good and joyful. I want to bring sunshine to every place I go. I want to put off the things that are weak and frail and pick up the things that are strong in the Lord! I want my heart to be moved by the things that move His heart.

That is all for now. Not all that is in my heart. Just all I have time to share :)

Oh Mia, Mia...

This girl really does get more beautiful every day! I am adding some images here per request of my sweet sister in law! She reminded me that I hadn't posted anything in a while... So, here is this precious baby girl... In her jean jacket and shoes... Oh my goodness! She is REALLY enchanting!

Been a while...

So, it has been a WHILE since I updated... I am sorry. Mia is beautiful and growing more beautiful everyday! She is learning to belly laugh - mostly at Jake - and still smiles almost all the time. Jude is hilarious! He is saying words like, "eat, up, down, Jude, Joc, Momma, Dadda, more..." and several others. He will show you his belly if you ask him (and sometimes if you don't)... he will show you where his nose is and his mouth (one of my favorites). He also blows kisses and knows how to tell his brothers and sisters he is sorry when he hurts them. He is really something else!!! Jared is doing great in school and is becomming quite the artist! He is so good at drawing and just being sweet!Maddy made a 100% on her TAKS test. Yep, she didn't miss one. Oh brother, brains and beauty... what do we have ahead of us??? And Jake - well... he finally did it. He is as tall as me. He measures exactly the same height as me... but not for long I am sure! I will be looking up to him very soon I am afraid!We have taken the whole family camping once and we are going to go again soon. I am really looking forward to it! The kids really do well... and Jude LOVES the outdoors! We don't have a date yet for the finalization of the adoption... but we know it will be June. So we are really excited about that! That is all for now... got to go tuck in kids... WAYYY past bed time now :)

Twelve Minutes

Time is an earthly thing. We run our lives by it... we must because everyone does. We have times to be at school or work, and times that are "free". Time to eat lunch, and time to go to bed... The Bible talks about times... It says that there is a time for every activity under heaven. "A time to be born and a time to die" is the first one it describes. The first two seasons under heaven mentioned are that of the beginning and of the end of our lives. There was a set apart time for Mia to be born. God knew exactly when that was. I never really doubted that He had our daughter in His capable hands through the adoption process. He is Sovereign and altogether perfect. Nothing catches Him off guard or surprises Him. So, on December the 4th He knew just when to prompt our birthmom to call the ambulance.
We were given Mia's medical papers a few weeks ago. I looked over every inch of the pages that we were given. I don't normally do that kind of thing. I get frustrated when I get a new cell phone because it doesn't work like my last one, and I don't like to take the time to read over the instructions. I am a bit lazy in regards to that, and quite honestly, disinterested... though, if I would read about it, I would save myself a lot of trouble with the device... Anyway, this was VERY different. I wasn't there when Mia was born. I wasn't there to watch Candice begin labor, or there as she came crying and a little blue into this world. So, I wanted to know every detail I could from these papers with very small - illegible handwriting.
As I read through the medical papers for our daughter, one of the first things I noticed was that Candice didn't have any pain medication... a million things flooded through my mind. I am a BIG advocate of the epidural. I love to enjoy my babies and hold them and not feel the complete and total pain of the delivery. I don't have a big spiritual opinion on that, but it has worked for me four times, and I don't regret it - even for one minute. Anyway, I just couldn't imagine it - how hard it would have been for her. This whole process would have been so painful emotionally... but now physically... I was heartbroken. And then as I kept reading every word... every line, I noticed something else. This was something that would make me even more in awe of our God. This God whom I KNEW held her in His hands...
Mia was born at 12:47 in the afternoon. Mia's birthmom, Candice was admitted to the hospital at 12:35 in the afternoon. Twelve minutes after she was admitted, there was a beautiful, blue, tiny baby girl in the delivery room. Mia wasn't breathing very well when she was born and had to have oxygen (this I also found out from the papers). Twelve minutes separated our little girl from being born in a house, not breathing well... and her actual delivery - safe and sound at St. Joe's hospital in Bryan. I can't put to words adequately how much peace that gives me. God timed it perfectly. Perfectly.
Twelve minutes... I can't blow dry my hair in twelve minutes. Two minutes extra of traffic, or five minutes more of waiting... every step that Candice made could have changed the outcome. God knew. He always knew. And He had His very loving hands all over our baby girl. It makes me look at each twelve minutes we're given. If you knew that any given decision you make in a day could affect another person's life that drastically - how would you live? I hope I am making sense. If you stopped for twelve minutes to talk to that lady that you see everyday, in the coffee shop that looks so lonely... how would that change you? How would it change her? If you left twelve minutes earlier for work - or for you workaholics, twelve minutes later... what would that do to your day? If you talked about Jesus to your friends for twelve minutes... do you see what I am saying? There is a time for everything under heaven. There is a time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to greive and a time to dance, a time to embrace and a time to turn away... a time to search and a time to quit searching... Ecclesiastes 3 is where God shows us that there is a season for everything... a time to live... a time to be born... Thank you, Father, that you knew her time... and you plotted every step to get her here safely. She is our little miracle baby. Four weeks early... five pounds, 2 ounces... and twelve minutes... I am in awe of our God all over again.