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My feelings were hurt. My family was hurt. But, that was, something... surmountable. Something I have grown a little used to, and something that quite frankly stems from selfishness in some ways.
But, then, after my heart was sufficiently wounded for one day- the enemy decided to take one more punch at my weary flesh. It stung. It stung with the sting of death. The feel of utter defeat. I felt like I was being devoured in one savory bite by that fierce lion that prowls for me night after night.
The news was this: the business bank account was drained - everything was taken. Not one penny left.
Payroll just went out - and the checks will not clear. Not because we didn't have the money in there. But because someone else decided they had more right to it than we do.
We have received so much help from people who love us. We have been in awe of God each week as we watch Him provide for us in ways far too creative for us to think of. This month has been the hardest of them all from a faith-less perspective. We are hard pressed on every side. People calling day and night... everyone wanting what it is that we don't have to give. And then, twice in three months, we have gone online to check the account and found a completely empty bank account. An account that, prior to the money being taken - sat at its prime position in the month to pay mortgages and leases, and bills. Indeed it was ripe for the picking. In three months $5,000.00 has been taken from us without our consent.
It is not that we are pretending we don't owe people money - believe me we do. It is simply that right now, because we are waiting on things to sell and a job offer to come through - we don't have anything extra to give. We are being threatened by creditors as if we are holding out something we have- and the part that is just super draining is that we just. don't. We just don't have anything extra. It is by God's grace alone, through the hands of His people that we have had the things that we need. But, some people apparently have the power to take from you when you literally don't have enough to make ends meet as it is. It was a deep wound. I will be honest. I sat on the floor in my bathroom and sobbed big ugly tears. I cried out loud - and I told Jesus that I am broken hearted. He promises to be near to those whose hearts are broken. His promises are true. Always and forever, His promises are true.
I cried for so long and so deeply, that I curled up and got comfortable. It is days like today that make me miss my mom in the fiercest of ways. I know well what she would have done. She would have brushed my hair. She would have sat and brushed it for as long as she could manage - assuring me that it would all be okay. And coming from her, I would have believed it. I do believe it. God's Word is Truth - even when I sit and rock myself, crying that this stress, this pressure must come to an end at some point...
Pieces of truth swirl in my mind. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I am not carrying the right burden. His Word is Truth. He is for me - He is always for me. His love knows no boundaries and He will never fail me.
We just get the wrong idea sometimes. We believe that the hard things in life make us stronger, when the whole point is that they are supposed to make us more clearly understand our weakness. It is in our weakness that He can prove His strength. Praise Him that He can show Himself in a mighty way in our lives. He can, and I believe with all of my heart - He will and indeed He already is. I have never felt so weak, so completely inept to even handle what I have on my plate for this very minute. I hear the growl of that lion, and my heart melts with fear. All the while, I am sheltered in the shadow of wings - wings of a Mighty Warrior - and One who will not let me slip from His strong grip. So, to that prowling devil of a lion, I say this, "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet I believe that His unfailing love for me will not be shaken - nor will His covenant of peace be removed - and this because my Lord has compassion on me!" (Isaiah 54:4)
We may be hard pressed on every side. And, I surely cannot tell you what will come of things this next month... but these things I hold dear to my heart:
1. Our God will never leave or forsake us.
2. Perfect love casts out all fear.
3. He (God) is good and everything He does is good.
4. Nothing can separate us from His love.
5. His plans for us are good.
6. The enemy will not, and can not win, for the victory was already won on the cross.
7. Christ is stronger. He has saved us. Christ is risen. Jesus is Lord of all!
Pray for us, please. But, thank God with us that He already knows the answer to our deepest need. We need not utter them, for He knows the words before they come out of our mouths. Pray that He will meet our deepest needs. Pray that He will show Himself mighty in our lives.
