Hang in there

This morning is crisp and quiet. 

I don't hear the birds or see the movement of life all around me. It is just silent. 

This year has been so hard for so many of you. Pain and loss have come. Sometimes making it hard to breathe. Kindness is hard to find, and equally hard to give. The love of many is growing cold. Hurt comes in, darkness... loneliness grips at your heart and you are scared, tired and depressed. You spend much of your time wishing this life would just get easier, or things would start to "go your way". You look around and others are struggling too, but no one quite understands you. Not in this moment. You smile, you press on. Sometimes you let people you trust know. Sometimes you let the whole social media world know. But, most of the time, you hold your hurt like a blanket - that is supposed to comfort you, but you find it brings a strange sense of comfort and pain - all mixed up together. 

Friends, there is a better way. 

Life is not easy. Loss is suffocating and the pain comes in waves. But there is more to life than this pain. If I can give you any encouragement, hear this one thing. There is more. There is a God who loves you. There is a God who sees you and cares for you. There is a God who weeps with you and is filled with compassion - to the point that He catches every one of your tears in a bottle. He knows you. He wants to draw you near. It is okay if you are angry. It is okay if you are angry with Him. It is okay if you are questioning why. It is okay if you are wrestling with trust and faith and everything around God being good. But, I promise you, He is. He is good. He is altogether lovely and He has a good plan for your life. Please know that the accuser will come to try and steal your comfort. The devil will come and accuse God and His goodness. He will say that "if God loved you, then he would have......" But, don't fall for it. This pain, these lies will only send you further into despair. You must fight to believe the truth, and you must surround yourself with those who are safe. Those who you can share your pain, your doubts, your fears with - and know that they will not try to judge you, or preach you back to "normal". There is no normal to be had here. God did not intend for the world to look like this, to act like this. Normal was a beautiful Garden, filled with light and love and beauty and no pain. We are all so aware that normal is gone. Not just in the last few years, but ages ago... the beauty and fullness of life was stolen from the earth. But, there is more. There is a place where beauty is alive and life doesn't end in tragedy. There is more. There is a time coming when all will be restored. The earth and its people will be restored and renewed. Laughter and love and peace will be everywhere. Isn't that what we long for? Tell me one thing that you dream of, one super power you wish you had... and I tell you that Heaven will be more. It will be better. We are yearning to be in eternity. We are yearning to leave this life of pain and get to the place we were created for. 

But, there is work for you to do. Believer, we are here because we are not yet finished. If you know the deep love of the Father, and the saving love of Christ, I am begging you to be a light to those around you in darkness. If you know any comfort from being in His love, lay down judgment and pick up mercy. Lay down your comforts and pick up love. No more bickering. No more slandering. No more division and back-biting. Drop it all. Pick up compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as you have been forgiven in Christ. And over everything else, put on LOVE, which binds the rest of these in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of ONE BODY you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12) It is time for the church of God in Jesus Christ to be known for love. It is time for us to stand together and bring hope to a hopeless time. Please, lay down those things that are causing you to sin and to mistreat others, and pick up your true identity in Christ. 

Friends, even if you have never trusted God, even if you have never asked Jesus to save you from your sins, I am imploring you to try something new. This week, every time you lean towards despair, say out loud, "Jesus, come." He is so full of compassion. He is so full of love. He will always come when you call on Him. If you let Him, He will draw you close and carry the pain with you. He will not leave you alone in your despair. People will fail you. Some people will say stupid things. Some people will think judgmental thoughts. But, Jesus will not leave you. He will not fail you. He will listen and He will respond in kindness, in compassion and in tenderness He will comfort you. If you want to know more about Him - read about Him in the Bible. Pick it up and read from the Psalms, from John, from Romans... go to someone you know who prays and who you admire, and ask them to share with you what they believe and why they pray. There is hope to be had here. There is peace. There will be days ahead filled with joy and laughter. Please ask God to show Himself to you. To reveal His love for you. He is a good God. Even when it hurts. Harming you was never His plan. The one who is set on harming you will be brought to justice. In time, all will be set right, and in the meantime, Jesus will be a comfort to anyone who seeks Him. He beckons you to come, all who are weary and heavy laden. He will give you rest. 

Much love today and always, 

Christy

When the clouds reflect my heart...

The day I first penned this was a special day. It was gloomy outside. Overcast. The clouds felt heavy with rain, but there was a hint of light, of sunshine somewhere buried underneath.

My heart felt much the same way.
22 and a half years ago I became a Momma for the first time. I had NO idea what that meant for me.
I had no idea I could love another human that much.
I had no idea I had that much fear living in me. I wanted him here so badly, but as soon as he was 2 days old I panicked in my mind thinking I felt like he was safer inside. I was terrified to drive him anywhere. He was so fragile. He depended on me for literally everything. It is overwhelming and beautiful and scary and humbling.
I had no idea that at 18 months he would change into a completely different human for 2 and a half years.
I had no idea that at 4 years old my little angel boy would return.
I had no idea that at 8 years old he would test every rule and boundary all over again.
I had no idea that at almost 12 years old everyone would tell me, "Just wait til he's 12" with much trepidation in their voices.
I had no idea that at 12 my boy would make me the proudest mom in the world as he proved everyone wrong. He wasn't rebellious and difficult. He was helpful, respectful, and protective and loving.
I had no idea that the time I had with him was coming to an end so quickly.
I had no idea that just 3 years later my whole heart would be shattered.
I had no idea who the God I served really was. In truth, I still don't. But, I know Him more, and I know He is good.

On the outside I am holding back the tears, much like the clouds withhold the rain. I suspect that at some point today the flood will come. I will sit and ponder my Jacobs precious life and the gift it was to hear him call me Momma. There are days that I force myself to enter into the hard places. I force myself to stare death in the face and feel for a bit the ugly emptiness we have (on the earth) in it's wake.

I have learned so much over my lifetime about the process of grief. It is a process, and it is different for everyone. I was so young when I lost my mom (just 2 weeks past my 17th birthday) and I felt lost. I didn't know who I was. I did think I knew who God was, but I didn't know how He could help me. I forced myself to work, to move, to keep pushing forward because in the silent places the pain seemed like it would consume me entirely. Ten years later the Lord brought a beautiful young girl, Michelle into my life. She was only 6 months into her grief journey.  She had lost her mom, and her pain was so fresh. It is crazy how the Lord used her to bring healing to me in so many ways. I was supposed to be helping her through her grief, but I am convinced that she helped me more.

Just when we need it, when we are ready, God will allow the pain to come through - and He promises not to leave us alone in it. He sits with us. He feels with us. He has compassion on us. He is faithful and close while we are in the middle of our suffering.

Busy can be our friend, and busy can be our enemy. But, you cannot possibly sit in the grief you feel as a mom that has lost a child for too long. It would completely consume. It would devastate in ways that I cannot describe. So busy is often a small remedy that offers little long term, but much in the moment. 

I have more than one friend who spent their first Christmas without their child. The child they loved and sang to. The child that made them a Momma - for the first time - or joyously again. These Momma's will sit and tears will fall. They will cry out. They will ask how more than why.... how can I push through the pain and dread... the suffocating reality that someone important is missing? How can I get up, and move forward? How can I paste a smile on my face and take the next step? How can I hold the truth that God is loving even in this place? How can I trust Him when I feel so utterly disappointed and let down? How do I hold the Truth that He could have stepped in... He could have intervened and He said no? And yet, no other has been so patient. No other has been so consistent. No other has proven I am seen and heard and loved the way my Jesus has. No one has been there in the deep grief as this One. The Lord our God, the Lord is One. He is Yaweh. He is Emmanuel. He is Yeshua. He is Peace. In the utter chaos of the grief stricken mind... He comes in - His light breaks through the darkness and He whispers "I am here with you. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. My mercies are new. My way is best. And I adore you." He reminds me that there will be a day of Hope. There will be a day where all things will be made new. This One has stepped into an earth full of pain and hurt and chaos and has offered to restore and redeem the most broken parts of our lives and our stories. During Christmas it is time to remember that the Hope we have is not grounded in anything that is tangible here. It is rooted in the One that cannot be uprooted. 

Now we usher in a new year. Ahead we have 365 opportunities to live in a loving way, with ourselves, and with others. If I could, I would usher a challenge to the whole world. I would ask everyone to take 2 minutes every day, right as they wake up, to pause... to look up to Heaven and ask God for his help and a revelation of His love to them, individually. If we only knew how much He longs to comfort, He longs to bring healing and comfort in the midst of the pain, it would change literally everything. Today I am asking that you would know Him more deeply than ever before - and for those of you who reject God and His gift - Jesus, I pray you would come to know Him. That you would be open to the love and the healing He has for you. Life as a believer is not easy, or dull, or free from pain. But, there is no place more comforting than the arms of Christ. Truly, nothing compares to the great love that He has for you, and for me. 

May your new year be blessed, not with stuff that fades and things that will bring temporary pleasures, but with a Hope that is unshakable, with a Peace that passes all understanding, with a Joy that cannot be stolen, and Faith that leads to a remaking and a renewal of your soul. 

Much Love, 

Christy