"When you are angry, wait. Stop, sit, don't move! Anger is a catalyst that stirs us into battle. Most of the battles that anger will draw us into fighting are not worthy of our blood."
~ The Cry of the Soul
(Dan Allender and Tremper Longman)
My heart is stirring tonight. There is much inside that the Lord longs to heal. Things long broken that need repair and restoration. I am angry. I want to tear down and lash out. I want to pound my fists and scream hateful words. I want to expose falsehood and frankly, just let everything come to light - in my time. But, these words... these timely words are helping me to see that anger is indeed a catalyst, and one that my enemy loves to use to get me to places of despair or discouragement - or worse yet, engaged in a battle that is certainly not worthy of my blood.
I can't imagine that anyone who loves people as much as I really do could feel this way. But all the emotions are there, and I am forced to deal with them. I will not stuff them down, or push them aside. I will face them. I will be angry, and by God's grace alone, in my anger I will not sin. I will forgive. I will ask for God's heart - and His eyes of mercy and pray to have eyes of mercy. I do not want to be merciful. I want to pursue justice. I do not want to forgive. I want to lash out and say hurtful things. I am filled with all sorts of things that would never really make me feel better. And so, I will wrestle it out with God. I will have my fit in His full view. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I will pound my fists into the ground and ask Him, "why". He has no duty to answer me. But, it is safe for me to ask the question. He has no obligation to act in a time frame that I am comfortable with, and I am okay with that. Because He made me, and He sees. Bless His holy name, He sees.
I wrote the above statements several nights ago.
I was indeed crying and asking for answers. And God, in His great kindness supplied me an answer that far exceeded my situational understanding. His answer, you ask? Well, it is my joy to share.
He spoke this truth ever so softly into my heart and gave me the grace to accept it. There is nothing more precious to God than redeeming and restoring the souls of men. And in that statement, which He set gently into my heart, was my answer. All men, no matter how desperately evil or bad they are. No matter what great sins they have committed and will continue to commit. He LOVES to redeem. He LOVES to restore. Simply because He is love. My comfort (reputation, financial situation, etc...) is not His priority. Don't get me wrong. He loves me - adores me, even. But, He gave His firstborn Son, His only Son, for the souls of men. So, while I don't like pain, or suffering, or anything of that sort... He is worthy of my affections even during the times that are painful, and if He so chooses to use me and my discomfort in a way that will bring men closer to Himself, then who am I to argue? If I want the heart of God, (and believe me I do!) then I must be willing to change my thinking. I must fix my eyes on that which is most important and not turn them aside. He will heal everything that is broken in me in the meantime.
I whispered back to Him, "I believe you. I believe your Word. I believe that you are with me. I believe that you see me. I believe that you have protected me, and continue to protect me. I believe that you are good and that you desire good for me. I believe that you have never left me. You have never forsaken me. You have been beside me through every season, in spite of my sin, and you love me just the same. I believe that you will provide all that I need in just the right time, and in fact have already provided it. I believe because my situation does not determine the truth. Your truth will determine the outcome of my situation."
I felt like for a minute, I got it. I had heard a secret that was too good not to share. I believed. I remembered His Word, "... blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." John 20:29. Yes God, I believe you. I choose to believe you. In a moment's time that morning, peace absolutely washed over me. I knew. I believed all over again.
Not even an hour later, that very same morning, my phone rang with an opportunity that may very well be God's best answer for me right now. I look forward to seeing what His plans are with me. I am filled with hope, not because I know what is coming, but because I know who He is no matter what is coming.
His Word tells us that the rain will fall on the righteous and the unrighteous. Good people have good things happen - and good people have bad things happen. There is no promise for a life without pain in the Word of God. But, there is a promise that even if He doesn't answer you in your time, or in the way you desire... He loves you and He will not leave you in that darkness. There is a promise that one day there will be a world without pain. Everything will be redeemed. Everything. All of my brokenness will be made whole. Every sickness will be vanquished. Those who cannot walk will be able to leap and run. Those who cannot see will have perfect vision. Everything that ails us on this earth will be done. He will redeem it all! He is coming back for us and we have reason to HOPE.
Hope... ahhh hope. I feel another post coming on... but will leave you with this one final thought.
If your life, right now, is not what you expected it would be. If it is not going according to the plans you made when you were a child dreaming of the future, I ask you to stop and evaluate a few things. Life is choices. You are where you are largely because of the choices you have made over the last 5, 10, 15+ years. I know, believe me I know, that some things are outside of your choices. But, for the most part, you are where you are because of your own choices. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15+ years (if you are given that many)? What choices are you making today to get there? I cannot sort my life into what I can do without God and what I need His help for. I would never want to say that I do that... but I do! Let me challenge you to believe God, and ask for His help with everything. Realize that maybe you don't have all the answers and you need some help from someone who has the bigger picture. Really believe that He has good things in store for you. He loves you and He sees you. If you allow Him to direct you, while I cannot promise "easy"... I can promise the He will not change. He will not abandon. He will be faithful.
If you have no belief because you can't believe in a God that would allow "_________________" to happen. Or, you can't believe He is good, because a good God would have "_______________" .
Fill in the blanks with what you think.
I want to tell you, He is good.
My parents were divorced when I was young.
My mom died when I was 17.
I was in an abusive marriage.
I was divorced.
I lost my oldest son. My firstborn... my precious Jacob.
While in the depths of my grief, I was remarried and in an even more toxic marriage.
I had two miscarriages (one at 12 weeks and one at 24 weeks)
I lost friends, finances, and even health.
I was divorced a second time.
I carry shame. Jesus says put it down, He already carried it for me.
I carry pain. Jesus says, lean into Me, He will give me rest.
I carry scars. Jesus shows me His hands and feet and reminds me that His wounds will heal mine.
I carry guilt. Jesus says lay it down, it is no longer mine to bear.
God is not sitting up there waiting for you to clean your life up so that He can use you. He is waiting on you to see your need for Him so He can comfort you... so He can set you free... so He can bind up your wounds. I know it makes no sense to believe in that which you cannot see. But, I am telling you there is power when you believe the right things about God. There is strength and peace and hope.
If you don't have enough strength to believe.... borrow some from me. I get it. I have been in the dark places and by His grace, He has helped me to believe. He is good, my friends. He is good.
Colossians 1:13-14 "For He has rescued us and has drawn us to Himself from the dominion of darkness, and has transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption [because of His sacrifice, resulting in] the forgiveness of our sins [and the cancellation of sins’ penalty]." (Amplified Bible)
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Sunday, December 3, 2017
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Oh MERCY!!
"There is an entire group of people stuck in their growth because they cannot receive the revelation that God delights in MERCY. So when they pray, they bargain, they try to earn, but they don't receive..."
~ Allen Hood (IHOPKC.org)
Join me on the journey I am taking. The tag line of my blog mentions finding truth... Friends, I have heard it all. Some would say that the answers can all be found if you look deeply inside yourself. They say that everything you need is within yourself. They encourage you to continue to make yourself the focus of your life.
Don't get me wrong. You need to be healthy, and therefore you must spend time finding out what things are good for you (life-giving) and what things are life taking... toxic people, toxic thoughts, places that take more than they give to you. But, ultimately, there is but one thing that we need. This world needs Jesus. Not the Pharisaical teachings. Not the demands of the law. Not the religion that makes you focus on yourself as much as these teachers that would have you look within yourself to find truth and healing... We NEED Jesus. There is but one answer in this world of brokenness and pain, but we are missing it because of all the distractions. We are distracted by false teachers, we are distracted by those who (like Saul) love God and are zealous, but have no true understanding of how much they need Grace and Jesus and MERCY (in short, they have forgotten the true Gospel and exchanged it for a points program at which they feel they are excelling).
I desire mercy over sacrifice... (Matthew 9:13, 12:7 and Hosea 6:6)
Three things: act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)
To the merciful I will show mercy... (Psalm 18:25, 2 Samuel 22:26)
Eyes of mercy.. eyes for mercy... oh Jesus, help us.
Some will surround themselves with teachings because their itching ears want to hear... but some pastors are so focused on taking down these other teachers... that they themselves have lost sight of the ONE THING... the Gospel. They have become experts at pointing out the mis-teachings of every other one that they have failed to see their own mis-teachings. They have allowed the rule, the law, the commands to become more important than the One that came because NO ONE could be saved by following the law. No One could live up to the standard. Friends, there is not one who is righteous. NOT ONE, so how is it that anyone is supposed to find life by killing themselves to follow the laws. Jesus help us.
When I get confused I simply have to remind myself to look to JESUS. Often I have to remind myself because many around me want to keep pointing me back to the law.. to the rules. But, there is LIFE in Jesus. There is HOPE in Jesus. He offers what no man can... eternal vision.
He sees it all.
He knows it all.
He loves.
He makes Himself strong in our weakness.
We cannot preach people into Heaven. We cannot change the world with our rules and our tearing down of other people.
We must love the way Jesus did.
Yes, that means sometimes with a hard truth, but ALWAYS and supremely more valuable is the LOVE with which we share those truths. Some people think that the truth itself is loving, but I will tell you that God calls us to repentance through his kindness... not the beat down.
Oh friends, there is so much pain. So much hurt. So many good causes to give to. So many people who need help and love and life and truth. So much of what we do is for NOTHING. What are we doing? How are we making a difference in this broken place? Are we just in a rut and working and living every day like this is all there is? Are we using social media to blurt out all of the ways we are offended by that which we perceive to be something other than truth according to ourselves? Are we really bringing anyone closer to God - or showing the love of Christ in that? I don't care which side of the issue you are on. If you love your stance more than the people on the other side of the debate you have LOST FOCUS my friend. How do we have the kind of vision that Jesus has?
How do we make our focus the right focus? Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. It is the only way. When we focus on our own thoughts, wisdom and actions - and compare that to those of others we are deceived ourselves. Jesus is the only thing worthy of our attentions and affections. When we have our view right, we can be of help to others. but, when we allow our teachings, our truths to become our lens through which we see the world, we have lost sight of that which is the BEST thing. The only thing worth living for.
Christians beat up other Christians in the name of trying to "make sure they are saved". But, what it looks like to the world is not love or truth. It looks like arrogance and flat-out meanness. I have lived both sides of this thing. I have been the one so full of self righteousness that I couldn't see the own log in my eye. When God revealed it to me, I had several people to make apologies to... and by the Grace of God they forgave me and now we have restored relationship. Praise God. At one time (and certainly still in many ways) I had minimal understanding of the depth of the brokenness of this world and how it can affect someone. I have been distracted by Satan and focused on everything that wasn't Jesus instead of everything that was.
Jesus is the answer. I want to live in a way that honors God, but I am HUMAN. I am reckless and I am broken, and I am selfish and as much as I would like to have all of those things just purged from my life, I know that the process of purging is painful, and on this side of heaven I will not come to the end of my sinfulness. I just won't. Otherwise, why would I need the Gospel at all? What would Jesus mean to me if I could attain it on my own? (and please, my beloved Pharisee, don't throw at me 1 John 3:9)
The sermon on the mount was not Jesus' way of showing us that there were more rules to follow. He was showing us that we are absolutely incapable of meeting the standard. If a man (or woman) even glances at another's beauty lustfully, he/she is an adulterer. If a man/woman hates another man/woman, he/she is a MURDERER. Yet, all of the Pharisees would have you believe that they are not murderers and adulterers. Oh how you are deceived!! You who think you have found some level of holiness that the "broken" rest of us haven't found. I know that in your mind you really do just want for people to understand the utter relief of holiness. Because I have tasted and found that the beautiful God and Jesus of the Bible are the most wonderful thing. But, I also have tasted the sharp disappointment that comes with life here on this broken earth. I have had many doubts and questions for my Creator as I have been told so many things in light of my sons sudden death. The opposite of faith is not doubt... Not according to Scripture. The opposite of faith is sight. Faith is believing in that which you cannot see. Not seeing everything. My doubt is pushing me to dig into the Scriptures in ways that I haven't in some time. I am not doubting that God is who He says He is. I am doubting that God is who some of the teachers of my life have taught me He is. He has been in this box. And, I am asking Him to take me deeper, to take me to a place that I understand who He is the way that Moses did. I want Him to cover me with his hand and show me His glory. No teacher of the law can explain to me who that is. I want to hear him, as Job did, even in the midst of correction when He rebukes him and says, "were you there when...? do you know how...?". No! Gloriously, no! I don't know... I don't see... but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that He does.
That is enough.
He hasn't made a mistake.
He hasn't given up on me (or you).
He isn't disappointed that he chose me (or you). And he is not mad that I am asking questions.
He loves to reveal Himself to me. And I love to find Him. I wish everyone who reads this could feel the freedom to talk with God as your friend. Jesus said that we are no longer his enemies but his friends. I am silly enough to believe that. And I am able to be who I really am when I am with my best friends. I don't have to pretend, or clean up. I am just me, and that is enough.
Praise God He sees me as His beloved. He has changed my name, and No One on the earth can re-name me. His word is all that matters. His thoughts towards me are all that matter. It is not within myself that I will find the answers. It is in Jesus that my answers will come forward. He will speak to me from the storm, in the bush.... however He desires and I am praying for a heart that will be willing to hear what He has to say.
For now, this is my mantra to myself daily. Love God, love people, and simply, Jesus.
Peace and love to you, my friends.
And, always... if you need a friend to chat with, I am here for you.
~ Christy
Join me on the journey I am taking. The tag line of my blog mentions finding truth... Friends, I have heard it all. Some would say that the answers can all be found if you look deeply inside yourself. They say that everything you need is within yourself. They encourage you to continue to make yourself the focus of your life.
Don't get me wrong. You need to be healthy, and therefore you must spend time finding out what things are good for you (life-giving) and what things are life taking... toxic people, toxic thoughts, places that take more than they give to you. But, ultimately, there is but one thing that we need. This world needs Jesus. Not the Pharisaical teachings. Not the demands of the law. Not the religion that makes you focus on yourself as much as these teachers that would have you look within yourself to find truth and healing... We NEED Jesus. There is but one answer in this world of brokenness and pain, but we are missing it because of all the distractions. We are distracted by false teachers, we are distracted by those who (like Saul) love God and are zealous, but have no true understanding of how much they need Grace and Jesus and MERCY (in short, they have forgotten the true Gospel and exchanged it for a points program at which they feel they are excelling).
I desire mercy over sacrifice... (Matthew 9:13, 12:7 and Hosea 6:6)
Three things: act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)
To the merciful I will show mercy... (Psalm 18:25, 2 Samuel 22:26)
Eyes of mercy.. eyes for mercy... oh Jesus, help us.
Some will surround themselves with teachings because their itching ears want to hear... but some pastors are so focused on taking down these other teachers... that they themselves have lost sight of the ONE THING... the Gospel. They have become experts at pointing out the mis-teachings of every other one that they have failed to see their own mis-teachings. They have allowed the rule, the law, the commands to become more important than the One that came because NO ONE could be saved by following the law. No One could live up to the standard. Friends, there is not one who is righteous. NOT ONE, so how is it that anyone is supposed to find life by killing themselves to follow the laws. Jesus help us.
When I get confused I simply have to remind myself to look to JESUS. Often I have to remind myself because many around me want to keep pointing me back to the law.. to the rules. But, there is LIFE in Jesus. There is HOPE in Jesus. He offers what no man can... eternal vision.
He sees it all.
He knows it all.
He loves.
He makes Himself strong in our weakness.
We cannot preach people into Heaven. We cannot change the world with our rules and our tearing down of other people.
We must love the way Jesus did.
Yes, that means sometimes with a hard truth, but ALWAYS and supremely more valuable is the LOVE with which we share those truths. Some people think that the truth itself is loving, but I will tell you that God calls us to repentance through his kindness... not the beat down.
Oh friends, there is so much pain. So much hurt. So many good causes to give to. So many people who need help and love and life and truth. So much of what we do is for NOTHING. What are we doing? How are we making a difference in this broken place? Are we just in a rut and working and living every day like this is all there is? Are we using social media to blurt out all of the ways we are offended by that which we perceive to be something other than truth according to ourselves? Are we really bringing anyone closer to God - or showing the love of Christ in that? I don't care which side of the issue you are on. If you love your stance more than the people on the other side of the debate you have LOST FOCUS my friend. How do we have the kind of vision that Jesus has?
How do we make our focus the right focus? Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. It is the only way. When we focus on our own thoughts, wisdom and actions - and compare that to those of others we are deceived ourselves. Jesus is the only thing worthy of our attentions and affections. When we have our view right, we can be of help to others. but, when we allow our teachings, our truths to become our lens through which we see the world, we have lost sight of that which is the BEST thing. The only thing worth living for.
Christians beat up other Christians in the name of trying to "make sure they are saved". But, what it looks like to the world is not love or truth. It looks like arrogance and flat-out meanness. I have lived both sides of this thing. I have been the one so full of self righteousness that I couldn't see the own log in my eye. When God revealed it to me, I had several people to make apologies to... and by the Grace of God they forgave me and now we have restored relationship. Praise God. At one time (and certainly still in many ways) I had minimal understanding of the depth of the brokenness of this world and how it can affect someone. I have been distracted by Satan and focused on everything that wasn't Jesus instead of everything that was.
Jesus is the answer. I want to live in a way that honors God, but I am HUMAN. I am reckless and I am broken, and I am selfish and as much as I would like to have all of those things just purged from my life, I know that the process of purging is painful, and on this side of heaven I will not come to the end of my sinfulness. I just won't. Otherwise, why would I need the Gospel at all? What would Jesus mean to me if I could attain it on my own? (and please, my beloved Pharisee, don't throw at me 1 John 3:9)
The sermon on the mount was not Jesus' way of showing us that there were more rules to follow. He was showing us that we are absolutely incapable of meeting the standard. If a man (or woman) even glances at another's beauty lustfully, he/she is an adulterer. If a man/woman hates another man/woman, he/she is a MURDERER. Yet, all of the Pharisees would have you believe that they are not murderers and adulterers. Oh how you are deceived!! You who think you have found some level of holiness that the "broken" rest of us haven't found. I know that in your mind you really do just want for people to understand the utter relief of holiness. Because I have tasted and found that the beautiful God and Jesus of the Bible are the most wonderful thing. But, I also have tasted the sharp disappointment that comes with life here on this broken earth. I have had many doubts and questions for my Creator as I have been told so many things in light of my sons sudden death. The opposite of faith is not doubt... Not according to Scripture. The opposite of faith is sight. Faith is believing in that which you cannot see. Not seeing everything. My doubt is pushing me to dig into the Scriptures in ways that I haven't in some time. I am not doubting that God is who He says He is. I am doubting that God is who some of the teachers of my life have taught me He is. He has been in this box. And, I am asking Him to take me deeper, to take me to a place that I understand who He is the way that Moses did. I want Him to cover me with his hand and show me His glory. No teacher of the law can explain to me who that is. I want to hear him, as Job did, even in the midst of correction when He rebukes him and says, "were you there when...? do you know how...?". No! Gloriously, no! I don't know... I don't see... but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that He does.
That is enough.
He hasn't made a mistake.
He hasn't given up on me (or you).
He isn't disappointed that he chose me (or you). And he is not mad that I am asking questions.
He loves to reveal Himself to me. And I love to find Him. I wish everyone who reads this could feel the freedom to talk with God as your friend. Jesus said that we are no longer his enemies but his friends. I am silly enough to believe that. And I am able to be who I really am when I am with my best friends. I don't have to pretend, or clean up. I am just me, and that is enough.
Praise God He sees me as His beloved. He has changed my name, and No One on the earth can re-name me. His word is all that matters. His thoughts towards me are all that matter. It is not within myself that I will find the answers. It is in Jesus that my answers will come forward. He will speak to me from the storm, in the bush.... however He desires and I am praying for a heart that will be willing to hear what He has to say.
For now, this is my mantra to myself daily. Love God, love people, and simply, Jesus.
Peace and love to you, my friends.
And, always... if you need a friend to chat with, I am here for you.
~ Christy
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Somewhere over the Rainbow
I have always loved the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".
Wishing upon a star... clouds far behind. Blue birds flying - troubles melting away. Dreams coming true.
If we are being truthful, I think we all long for a place that isn't right where we are sometimes. It is those days that push us to the limits of what we think we can bear. The days where every light is red, and every meeting runs long, the kids are fighting and for some reason your head just aches. Every time the phone rings it is bad news and you just wish for a moment that you hadn't even gotten out of bed. Those days come for all of us. Sometimes those days seem like they will never stop coming. One hard day after another for weeks, and sometimes even years.
The wintertime of the soul.
Bleak.
Grey and so disappointing.
Disheartening to the point that you forget what the point really is.
I have been there. Day after day so dark that I couldn't remember that good days ever were. Every day waking to wonder in what way the enemy would try to tear me apart today. Fearful of what means he would use to try to send destruction to my life. Oh I am thankful to be out of that season. It seemed like it may never end. At every turn there was judgement and pain and confusion. Some of those days I could muster up a pep-talk for myself. I could tell myself the truths I grew up on:
God is good.
He will never leave me.
He is not mad at me.
He is not punishing me because He is disappointed in me.
Love never fails.
But, some days I couldn't even make the thoughts stick, much less come to any sort of belief in them.
If you are reading this and you are in this winter season all I can say is I am sorry. Oh how I wish there were a magic formula to pull you out from that place. I wish there were words that would grab your heart so deeply that you could believe with all that you are that God is for you and not against you. He has not hidden himself. He does not delight in your sorrow. But, I know well that words are futile in this place, and I am so sorry.
And yet, for me, today the clouds seem to be clearing away... not far behind me (yet), but I can see the sun is poking out again. It's warm rays are beaming down and wrapping me up like a cozy blanket. Oh how I have missed that! It is strange. The darkness is near enough that there are days I still want to retreat and listen to music that invites the sadness to come close and the tears to fall. Yet, the sun is beckoning me to come out and remember joy. What a strange place.
I stopped by the cemetery a few days ago. I will be honest. I don't do that much. My Jacob isn't there, and personally for me, I am not closer to his memory there either. It is just the way I am wired. I would rather snuggle the blanket that he loved dearly and be in my own home - the home I was raising him in. But, today, I just wanted to stop by. It was a beautiful day and it was good for me to go. I remember choosing the verse that would be on this stone. I remember the desperation of it all. The weight of picking out the clothes and the pictures and what would be engraved and even the font. Every detail was important because my boy was so very important. Anyway, the sun broke through the clouds and I just thought it was God's little reminder that He is there. In the heartache, He is there. In the good times, He is there. In every season of the soul... He is with me. Such a sweet God. Such a good Savior.
One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
He has given me the assurance that He won't give up on me. He will work it out to completion. Of course the level to which I cooperate will determine a lot along the way. But, isn't it nice to know that He won't give up? I love that I can put confidence in that. Because it is very dissimilar to placing confidence in myself. I am well-intentioned, but oh so human. If I had to rely on myself for everything, I would be in trouble. And, without doubt, every time I rely solely on myself I get in trouble.
I flew recently and actually had the distinct pleasure of flying over a rainbow. It was interesting to look down on a rainbow instead of looking up at it. It wasn't glorious or more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, but it instantly triggered the lyrics to the song in my mind and I smiled a wide smile and let my thoughts drift to dreams I would dare to dream. Even in that, there is a breath of fresh air. Dreaming can be so good - as long as you are willing to snap back to reality in due time. Ha! I am not sure what season I am in. I still look over my shoulder for the enemy's attack... but I am pressing forward knowing that today I have something strong and secure to lean into even if the attack does come. Faith is confidence of things hoped for - and an assurance of that which we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) Faith is what holds me secure in the trials - and what gives me hope when all seems to be going well.
I liked flying over the rainbow. I liked dreaming of dreams. I like the idea of clouds being far behind me. Today has not been the easiest of days. I call it a deep breath in, deep breath out kind of day. But, I just keep breathing and remembering that all things will be worked out for good, even though in the middle it is hard to see how. And I am so thankful that eternity will be a place with no more worry or tears or pain... just love and peace and a beautiful, holy God that made the way for me. I hope you have that peace and hope in your heart today. If you are in that season of darkness, message me so that I can pray for you. You are not alone, and you should not feel alone! We were not made to try and figure it all out on our own, or to try and test the limits of our strength. We were made for community and sometimes that is messy... but it is so good when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with SAFE people.
I will leave you with a sweet blessing that my friend Mary always says to me when we part. Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”
Be encouraged today that God sees you, and have a heart of gratitude for even one thing that you can see in your life that is good. Gratitude is sweet medicine to a weary soul.
Much love my friends!
~ Christy
Wishing upon a star... clouds far behind. Blue birds flying - troubles melting away. Dreams coming true.
If we are being truthful, I think we all long for a place that isn't right where we are sometimes. It is those days that push us to the limits of what we think we can bear. The days where every light is red, and every meeting runs long, the kids are fighting and for some reason your head just aches. Every time the phone rings it is bad news and you just wish for a moment that you hadn't even gotten out of bed. Those days come for all of us. Sometimes those days seem like they will never stop coming. One hard day after another for weeks, and sometimes even years.
The wintertime of the soul.Bleak.
Grey and so disappointing.
Disheartening to the point that you forget what the point really is.
I have been there. Day after day so dark that I couldn't remember that good days ever were. Every day waking to wonder in what way the enemy would try to tear me apart today. Fearful of what means he would use to try to send destruction to my life. Oh I am thankful to be out of that season. It seemed like it may never end. At every turn there was judgement and pain and confusion. Some of those days I could muster up a pep-talk for myself. I could tell myself the truths I grew up on:God is good.
He will never leave me.
He is not mad at me.
He is not punishing me because He is disappointed in me.
Love never fails.
But, some days I couldn't even make the thoughts stick, much less come to any sort of belief in them.If you are reading this and you are in this winter season all I can say is I am sorry. Oh how I wish there were a magic formula to pull you out from that place. I wish there were words that would grab your heart so deeply that you could believe with all that you are that God is for you and not against you. He has not hidden himself. He does not delight in your sorrow. But, I know well that words are futile in this place, and I am so sorry.
And yet, for me, today the clouds seem to be clearing away... not far behind me (yet), but I can see the sun is poking out again. It's warm rays are beaming down and wrapping me up like a cozy blanket. Oh how I have missed that! It is strange. The darkness is near enough that there are days I still want to retreat and listen to music that invites the sadness to come close and the tears to fall. Yet, the sun is beckoning me to come out and remember joy. What a strange place.
I stopped by the cemetery a few days ago. I will be honest. I don't do that much. My Jacob isn't there, and personally for me, I am not closer to his memory there either. It is just the way I am wired. I would rather snuggle the blanket that he loved dearly and be in my own home - the home I was raising him in. But, today, I just wanted to stop by. It was a beautiful day and it was good for me to go. I remember choosing the verse that would be on this stone. I remember the desperation of it all. The weight of picking out the clothes and the pictures and what would be engraved and even the font. Every detail was important because my boy was so very important. Anyway, the sun broke through the clouds and I just thought it was God's little reminder that He is there. In the heartache, He is there. In the good times, He is there. In every season of the soul... He is with me. Such a sweet God. Such a good Savior.
One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
He has given me the assurance that He won't give up on me. He will work it out to completion. Of course the level to which I cooperate will determine a lot along the way. But, isn't it nice to know that He won't give up? I love that I can put confidence in that. Because it is very dissimilar to placing confidence in myself. I am well-intentioned, but oh so human. If I had to rely on myself for everything, I would be in trouble. And, without doubt, every time I rely solely on myself I get in trouble.
I flew recently and actually had the distinct pleasure of flying over a rainbow. It was interesting to look down on a rainbow instead of looking up at it. It wasn't glorious or more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, but it instantly triggered the lyrics to the song in my mind and I smiled a wide smile and let my thoughts drift to dreams I would dare to dream. Even in that, there is a breath of fresh air. Dreaming can be so good - as long as you are willing to snap back to reality in due time. Ha! I am not sure what season I am in. I still look over my shoulder for the enemy's attack... but I am pressing forward knowing that today I have something strong and secure to lean into even if the attack does come. Faith is confidence of things hoped for - and an assurance of that which we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) Faith is what holds me secure in the trials - and what gives me hope when all seems to be going well.
I liked flying over the rainbow. I liked dreaming of dreams. I like the idea of clouds being far behind me. Today has not been the easiest of days. I call it a deep breath in, deep breath out kind of day. But, I just keep breathing and remembering that all things will be worked out for good, even though in the middle it is hard to see how. And I am so thankful that eternity will be a place with no more worry or tears or pain... just love and peace and a beautiful, holy God that made the way for me. I hope you have that peace and hope in your heart today. If you are in that season of darkness, message me so that I can pray for you. You are not alone, and you should not feel alone! We were not made to try and figure it all out on our own, or to try and test the limits of our strength. We were made for community and sometimes that is messy... but it is so good when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with SAFE people.
I will leave you with a sweet blessing that my friend Mary always says to me when we part. Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”
Be encouraged today that God sees you, and have a heart of gratitude for even one thing that you can see in your life that is good. Gratitude is sweet medicine to a weary soul.
Much love my friends!
~ Christy
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
What's in a Name?
"As for me, I am just a train wreck of a woman. Fully flawed: arrogant stubborn, and vibrantly aware of the shortcomings that shout my depravity. But meaningfully changed, to the core, by His grace that is great-than." ~ Gwen Smith
Never have I read something that so powerfully wrapped up how I feel in my walk with Christ. A train wreck. My shortcomings and flaws constantly going through my mind reminding me that on this earth I am a broken mess. I couldn't have thought of a way to say it better.
Names are powerful things. Sometimes we allow our names to define us. We allow our label to tell us who we are. Sometimes that is our given name, a married name, and sometimes it is a nickname, or even a title we receive at work, or in the community. God often changed people's names in the Bible. He renamed Abram, Abraham. He renamed Jacob, Israel. He called Sarai, Sarah. Often he changed what people were called when they entered a new season - a different season, a season with purpose and dripping with promise. What a cool thing.
As I sat in court the morning I decided to legally change my name back to my maiden name, I had the opportunity to hear a man call in to take a different last name - that of his birth-father. He must have been in his late 20's and his whole life he had gone by another name. You could hear the elation in his voice as he was taking the name back that he was born with. I got a little teary eyed as I listened to him explain to the judge the reasoning, and it had me thinking. Names are important. Seasons are important. In this season, it is right and good for me to take the name that I was given as a little baby girl who entered the world backwards (breech) while my worried Daddy sat in the hallway not knowing how long I would live once I got here, or what quality of life I would have when I came. It is a long-standing joke of mine that I entered this world backwards and have been doing things the hard way ever since. It actually fits rather well.
Bruised and crying...
I suppose I was not much to look at honestly. My baby pictures look just like Don Knots (but seriously). I was not altogether lovely, but I bet I was the prettiest sight to my parents who were scared for my life in those moments.
Life has continued to deal me black and blue moments. I won't rehearse them all here, but I have had my fair share. I have also been dealt more than my fair share of blessings. I have been married twice now and from those unions, had the opportunity to raise and love 6 beautiful children. Never has there been a greater gift to me than the gift of being a momma to these.
The death of my oldest son, two failed marriages and more losses than I care to recount. It is enough to make a girl lose heart. It was almost enough to shake my faith to the breaking point. But, our God is relentless in the pursuit of my heart. He has been since I was a small girl, and He wouldn't let go of me when I was being torn apart by the enemy of my soul. He gripped me tight and settled me in, as I struggled against Him, safe, but still fighting in His big strong hand. He held me tenderly and strong. Even when I was ready to let the enemy have his way with me... God would not allow it. Pain came in wave upon wave until I thought I might drown. This life is not an easy life. But, God is good. Ultimately, He is GOOD through and through, and He refused to let me go.
It feels good to be here. Chatting again. For a time, it was as though my soul chatter - the deepest parts of my heart were put under a bowl. I didn't have the energy or the words to share my world with you... and that is okay. But, it sure feels good to be back.
This year, my word has been COURAGE. Funny, I went to a conference with some sweet friends and each of us had a word in our bag that we "randomly" were given at the front door on the first night. My bag contained the word Courage. I smiled to the depths of my being. Yep. He knows me well, and He pursues me constantly. It takes courage to do "normal" life these days. Because life feels anything but normal most of the time.
I intend to write more in the coming weeks. But for now, I will say this... it is a new season of life for me. It is difficult to say, and I am sure some will judge the meaning incorrectly... but I love being a single mom. It is hard, but it is beautiful. The peace that fills my home with Jesus as the head is truly indescribable. Don't get me wrong... we still have fights between siblings and we have much to work on in the way of honoring one another well... but, at the end of the day, we pull together and we do well. God takes care of the providing through and through. We have the responsibility to work hard, and to love God and love each other. There is something so simple about living with that in mind.
Love God.
Love each other.
Forgive quickly.
Be Kind.
Simple.
And while it is not easy, it is so so good when we get it right. What a beautiful God to have a plan in place for us even when sin tries to tear everything apart. Satan has a goal to destroy us, but my God has a plan to redeem us. Beauty from ashes. Joy from despair.
This year brings a new season for us. A season that I am ready to embrace with all that I have. Whatever may come, and whatever may go, my God will not change. He has not and will never forsake us. He is near. It is as if there is an aroma in the air like the scent after a fresh rain on a flower garden. There is something stirring and He has been clear that He is not finished with me yet. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow. He will not give up on us.
Know that He has not given up on you either. If you don't know the pursuit I am talking about, please take a chance. Take a minute, and right now, in the stillness, be brave enough to ask God to reveal Himself to you. He is all around and He is pursuing you. You simply need to be aware. He has a plan for you and His plan is good. He is trustworthy and true. Put Him to the test. Ask Him to reveal Himself and then keep your eyes and heart open to see how He answers. He will answer.
He will not give up on you. Even if you have given up on yourself.
Names are powerful things. Sometimes we allow our names to define us. We allow our label to tell us who we are. Sometimes that is our given name, a married name, and sometimes it is a nickname, or even a title we receive at work, or in the community. God often changed people's names in the Bible. He renamed Abram, Abraham. He renamed Jacob, Israel. He called Sarai, Sarah. Often he changed what people were called when they entered a new season - a different season, a season with purpose and dripping with promise. What a cool thing.
As I sat in court the morning I decided to legally change my name back to my maiden name, I had the opportunity to hear a man call in to take a different last name - that of his birth-father. He must have been in his late 20's and his whole life he had gone by another name. You could hear the elation in his voice as he was taking the name back that he was born with. I got a little teary eyed as I listened to him explain to the judge the reasoning, and it had me thinking. Names are important. Seasons are important. In this season, it is right and good for me to take the name that I was given as a little baby girl who entered the world backwards (breech) while my worried Daddy sat in the hallway not knowing how long I would live once I got here, or what quality of life I would have when I came. It is a long-standing joke of mine that I entered this world backwards and have been doing things the hard way ever since. It actually fits rather well. Bruised and crying...
I suppose I was not much to look at honestly. My baby pictures look just like Don Knots (but seriously). I was not altogether lovely, but I bet I was the prettiest sight to my parents who were scared for my life in those moments. 
Life has continued to deal me black and blue moments. I won't rehearse them all here, but I have had my fair share. I have also been dealt more than my fair share of blessings. I have been married twice now and from those unions, had the opportunity to raise and love 6 beautiful children. Never has there been a greater gift to me than the gift of being a momma to these. The death of my oldest son, two failed marriages and more losses than I care to recount. It is enough to make a girl lose heart. It was almost enough to shake my faith to the breaking point. But, our God is relentless in the pursuit of my heart. He has been since I was a small girl, and He wouldn't let go of me when I was being torn apart by the enemy of my soul. He gripped me tight and settled me in, as I struggled against Him, safe, but still fighting in His big strong hand. He held me tenderly and strong. Even when I was ready to let the enemy have his way with me... God would not allow it. Pain came in wave upon wave until I thought I might drown. This life is not an easy life. But, God is good. Ultimately, He is GOOD through and through, and He refused to let me go.
It feels good to be here. Chatting again. For a time, it was as though my soul chatter - the deepest parts of my heart were put under a bowl. I didn't have the energy or the words to share my world with you... and that is okay. But, it sure feels good to be back.
This year, my word has been COURAGE. Funny, I went to a conference with some sweet friends and each of us had a word in our bag that we "randomly" were given at the front door on the first night. My bag contained the word Courage. I smiled to the depths of my being. Yep. He knows me well, and He pursues me constantly. It takes courage to do "normal" life these days. Because life feels anything but normal most of the time.
I intend to write more in the coming weeks. But for now, I will say this... it is a new season of life for me. It is difficult to say, and I am sure some will judge the meaning incorrectly... but I love being a single mom. It is hard, but it is beautiful. The peace that fills my home with Jesus as the head is truly indescribable. Don't get me wrong... we still have fights between siblings and we have much to work on in the way of honoring one another well... but, at the end of the day, we pull together and we do well. God takes care of the providing through and through. We have the responsibility to work hard, and to love God and love each other. There is something so simple about living with that in mind.
 |
| Be still my heart... oh how I adore them. |
Love each other.
Forgive quickly.
Be Kind.
Simple.
And while it is not easy, it is so so good when we get it right. What a beautiful God to have a plan in place for us even when sin tries to tear everything apart. Satan has a goal to destroy us, but my God has a plan to redeem us. Beauty from ashes. Joy from despair.
This year brings a new season for us. A season that I am ready to embrace with all that I have. Whatever may come, and whatever may go, my God will not change. He has not and will never forsake us. He is near. It is as if there is an aroma in the air like the scent after a fresh rain on a flower garden. There is something stirring and He has been clear that He is not finished with me yet. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow. He will not give up on us.
 |
Me and my crew. (Heart full! )
|
He will not give up on you. Even if you have given up on yourself.
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