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Those of you who know me, know that I share my life (probably too much of it) in a pretty open way. My story is not for me to keep to myself. But, today, this very early morning, I am going to share some things in the hopes that other women, who are going through a miscarriage - or have gone through can know they are not alone.
My story is not every woman's story. Not even every woman's story who has had this same type of loss. We are all made differently. We all hurt differently. We all lose differently. I will warn you again before you read on, this is not easy to write, and I don't expect it will be easy to read. So, please proceed knowing that these things I write are based on my opinion. My feelings. My emotions. This is not a factual piece. It is just simply how this whole journey so far has impacted my mind and my heart. Please understand - and I cannot stress this enough(!!!) The views that I share here are meant to inform or to help, but in NO WAY are meant to bring judgement on anyone for the way they choose to go through miscarriage. If you share your story - and I am of the belief that it brings healing when you do - PLEASE do not make anyone feel as if your way was right and there way was wrong. This is one of the most devastating things I have had to endure, and there is NO PLACE for condemnation here.
I went to the Dr. early on Wednesday morning. I chatted with a sweet girl finishing up her training - that day. She was kind and compassionate and took time to talk with me. I told her that I didn't want the big ultrasound, or any of the screenings to see if anything was wrong with my baby. I am of the belief that no matter what, I will not terminate a pregnancy. So, for me, personally, I do not want to know anything that might be wrong ahead of time. It would cause me to worry and fret until delivery, and that is not healthy or helpful.
The new (almost) physician's assistant got the machine where we could hear the heartbeat - on the outside. She moved it around and around. She found my heartbeat. And she kept searching...
Because I have had 5 healthy pregnancies and deliveries, I assumed that it was her lack of experience that was playing into the fact that we couldn't locate the heartbeat. Even still, there was something very unsettling about it. She left the room quickly to get the bigger machine. The machine where we can see the baby too. And, when she came back, the Sr. Physician's assistant was with her. This precious woman attended to me 18 years ago when I was pregnant with my Jacob, so I knew she would get to the bottom of things quickly.
She put the gel on my belly again. And she started looking for the baby. Very quickly she found our little one. But, there was something so different. I noticed immediately that there didn't appear to be movement. You want to see movement, and the baby is surrounded by fluid, so I was desperately searching for any sign. And that little bitty spot that pulses in and out - the heartbeat... I could always catch a glimpse by this point. And yet, there was only stillness. A very hard reality started to grab ahold of my heart and I just kept searching - my eyes begging to see a sign of life - a small flicker - anything to let me know my little one was just resting and not gone.
Finally, I just said it out loud. I said, "the baby looks very still. I don't see a heartbeat. It doesn't look like there is a heartbeat." And the Sr. Physician's Assistant simply whispered, "I know sweetie. I know. Me either."
The moment hung there. The reality was right in front of my eyes literally, but my mind couldn't catch up. I couldn't believe this was happening.
She measured our tiny peanut. The baby measured over 12 weeks, so this had happened recently. Very recently. Because my appointment was so early in the morning, Michael hadn't gone with me. I had to call him, but I didn't know what to say. I asked him to come to the hospital. And when he asked why I told him over the phone. He came quickly to me and we just hugged and cried. Both of us. Just sobbing and asking why... what happened. I am going to skip forward by some hours.
The next few hours my mind was bombarded. I have never walked this path. I don't know what is coming. I have heard of a D&C. Some of my dearest family members and friends have had miscarriages, but I didn't know what to expect at this point. Here is where I am going to be very frank. Please, read on with caution - or stop reading. I am not going to hold anything back. The questions and thoughts that flooded my grieving mind were these:
I want to labor for this baby just like I know from before.
I do not want them to scrape my baby out of me - in pieces - with no dignity and no honor.
What will they do with my babies body? Will they just toss it in the medical waste pile? And if we were to opt to take the baby, what in the world would we do? We do not own land that we could have a burial and a service. Cremation - and a formal service would cost thousands. Do I want to get bills in the mail for the next several years and put our family in major debt so that we can be reminded monthly as we pay them that we don't have our precious baby? And, we KNOW that we know that we know that our baby is already with Jesus. This is just a body - our precious little one's body - but our baby's spirit and soul are not there. What in the world do people do? What should WE do?
If we were to make an emotional decision we would let me labor and have our baby at home - and hold our baby and feel the whole loss. No meds to dull the pain. I wanted to feel the pain of it... physically, as I was emotionally. Maybe because I wanted the baby to know his/her life mattered. Even though it was never here on the earth to live and breathe - this baby matters to us. This is not fetal tissue - or a mass of dna. This is our child. This is our baby who we rejoiced over - and how do you just leave the baby in the hospital for "disposal". What does that even mean? But, again... what in the world would we do if we could even take the baby home? It is a horrible, horrible situation to be in. At 12 and a half weeks, our baby is formed. Our baby looks like a very tiny baby. Real hands, real fingers. Real toes. It is horrific to think about and have to make decisions regarding all of these things, truly.
When thinking of the natural delivery versus D&C we read everything we could find. I had heard some religious women - who I know love the Lord talk about not wanting a D&C because of sort of religious reasons. I had felt it in my own mind and heart that I didn't want that. I wanted to just labor and hurt and cry and feel the pain of it all. But, as we read - the stories of so many women - and the medical things behind it, I realized that there is no right way - or wrong way. Every person, every family, every husband and wife has to decide what is best. Our baby is gone. Our baby is not in this little tiny vessel anymore. This was the earthly vessel... fragile and temporary. Our baby is already with Jesus. My husband reminded me that when I die - I don't care what you do with my body. I really don't. I won't be using it again. It is just flesh - and I will be in Heaven with my Savior. As we stepped back - out of our emotions... we realized the dangers that lurked for me if I were to do this naturally. And I haven't even mentioned the FEAR. Good grief, the fear of the pain... the fear of being alone when something happened. The fear of being at work or in public when this labor would start. The fear of not being able to stop bleeding or crying. The fear of my other children hearing me in labor - in pain when they know it will not bring forth a living, breathing, baby. Every decision... every thought made my head spin around and around.
I believe in God. I am saved by the blood of Jesus. I KNOW that we are not given a spirit of fear - but it does not ever say that we will not be afraid. Jesus says that we do not have to be afraid. Over and over in the Word it says to be strong and take heart and not lose courage. God knows that we are given to fear when we don't understand what is happening around us. My faith on whether or not God would get us through this never wavered, but friends, it is SCARY.
Naturally, there would be cramping, contractions, labor and blood. There could be difficulties, hemorrhaging, any number of things. And, so back to the D&C we are taken in our minds. It is safer for me. My husband gently reminded me again that I am alive. I have a family that needs me. Our baby is gone. Dignified, undignified, with answers, without answers... our baby will not be coming home with us. So, making sure that we do the safest thing for me - while in my mind it seems so selfish - is actually the only logical decision for us. Please hear me say FOR US! I read a story of a woman who felt like I did - I had thought I wanted to be awake for the procedure. I didn't want them to knock me out. But, after reading what she said about the hearing - even without the feeling, I knew that I could not go through that. I just could not. I still feel selfish. I still feel like people will judge us for not having a service or a proper burial. But, we know before the Lord that we must do what is right for our family. In this situation - that brings emotional and physical pain beyond what I can describe, every woman needs to know that the way she chooses is the right way for her and her family.
This has been exhausting. It is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually. Even in all of those decisions - there are still things that linger... What did I do wrong? What happened? Was this my fault? If we get pregnant again will this happen again? I blame myself. We as women do that so much. We look to blame ourselves - as if this life was ever in our hands to begin with. We do not get to speak death and life! That is only for God alone. And yet, we feel so much guilt and we over analyze every detail. God help us. Jesus be with us.
And more thoughts... we will be on the same floor with all of the women having their normal, healthy, and not healthy babies. We will be hearing cries and seeing pregnant full bellies everywhere. And we will leave with empty arms. With a stomach that looks like there is a baby coming. With clothes that don't fit. It seems so wrong to put on maternity clothes. I don't want the questions about when are we due. I don't want to tell perfect strangers that I have had a miscarriage - and what is the alternative? I tell them, oh we are due in February? What the heck? Who has the answers for all of this?
One more thing, and it is just because I know that there are other women who understand what I am feeling. And, I want you to know - if you are going through the same thing YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I am anxious. I cannot sleep. I haven't been able to since we found out. My baby is dead inside of me. I am holding the corpse of my precious baby inside. It is unnerving. I am sorry that that is so blatant and not said beautifully. There is NO beautiful way to say it. I go to rub my belly - or put my hand there, and all I can think of is how silly that is. My baby does not feel me - or know that I am loving him/her. I want to scream - and I want to be so angry. But, sadness just keeps flooding in.
This is scary and it is terribly sad. Around every corner there is fresh pain. And then, there is the physical pain. The cramping that is a reminder that something terrible is happening... has happened already, and there is no way to stop it. It is done.
If you have made it this far, and you are not going through this - please understand that this is not something to take lightly. You do not have to have words for the women in your life who have miscarriages. Just have arms to hold and reminders of love. Send flowers. Send a message that simply says, "I love you, and I am hurting with you." You can't make it okay. Only God can heal our broken hearts. But, please don't ignore it. Please don't NOT talk about how excited you are for your baby that is coming. Please don't think you can't rejoice that your little one is healthy and alive and growing. Please share your pregnancy with me, and if I can't handle it, I will excuse myself. But, I REJOICE with those who are rejoicing, and I appreciate those who mourn with me. Your pregnancy does not hurt me. It brings me joy - even though I have pain. Just as I rejoice with my friends who have children that were my Jacob's age who are going to college and doing those things. I am reminded of my loss. I am reminded of how much I miss that precious boy - but I am so THANKFUL that you have your child. I am so thankful that you are getting to experience that part of life with your teenager. It is the same with other pregnant women. Is is a reminder? Of course. But, right now, everything will be a reminder. We will move forward.
And, if you are a precious woman, going through this and feeling afraid and alone. Please take a moment and ask God to help you, to make His presence known to you. Please reach out to any friend who will talk with you - and help you through this time. You are NOT ALONE. You are seen. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to bang your fists on the ground and just be mad and sad and scared. Just make sure you get up, dust yourself off and get the counseling or the help you need to get through it all.
There will be sunny days again.
Life will move forward and you have a purpose and you will make it through all of this.
I have had to say this too many times. But, I will say it again because it is just as true this day as any day before. God is good. No matter what, He is good. His intentions towards us are always loving and good. He hurts when we hurt. He grieves when we grieve. He holds our tears in a bottle. Our children are on loan from Heaven. He has entrusted us to love them as long as He has loaned them to us for. All of our days have been numbered. Even our precious one who didn't live a day outside of my womb. Those days were written before 1 ever came to be. For three months I got to carry a precious life inside of me. It was a gift. My God has not forsaken me, or forgotten me. My God sees me and loves me and will bring healing to myself and my husband, and my precious children who have already grieved more loss than most adults. Say a prayer for us. Tomorrow is scary.
Tonight we were eating dinner outside because it was beautifully cool for Texas this time of year and my beautiful daughter Mia (6 years) asked me, "So, you are going to hurt tomorrow mommy?" and I said, "yes." She asked me why I would have pain. So, I said, "Because they have to take the baby out of me, and it will hurt me." She said okay, while she touched my shoulder. (Oh blessed God, thank you for my precious little girl.) Then, hours later, my Jude (7 years), as I was tucking him in bed, started crying and I just tousled his hair and gave him a hug. He, through tears said so quietly, "I don't want you to go to the doctor tomorrow." God love him. He doesn't want the baby to be gone. I told him I had to. And when he asked why, I said, "Because if I don't I will get really sick."
He just cried and I hugged him.
Our hearts are just torn up right now. We are a mess. Please pray for us. Please pray for my sweet ones as they go back to school with more loss tucked under their belts. They are hurting - even if they hide it well. God help us. We are desperate for His return.
Thank you for reading. I know it isn't easy. It is a messy, messy thing this life - and all it's death. I will leave you with these words, because out of everything... this I know is right and true...
Psalm 34:1-10, "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all of my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing..."
amen and amen.
