A Holy Tension

photo credit to Carlos Gutierrez

Lately I have been manic-depressive, or in today’s terms - bi-polar. 

Truly, I have been tossed back and forth between the truth that I know in my mind about God and His plan and love and care of me - and this woman; fleshy - full of needs and wants and hopes- some rooted and grounded in truth and others rooted in this thing inside that says I deserve now to be loved as I will be in glory. 

It is a unique thing to know that the truth is the truth - and to know that I am being confused, but being completely unable to discern the depth, or the starting point of that thing that confuses me.  I think I am more confused now than when I went to type that.  : /

You see, I believe that I am already loved as deeply as I ever will be - the fullness of the love of God is already mine to hold.  He will never love me more than He does right now.  Because His love is perfect.  It doesn’t grow for me, because it is already the fullness of love itself.  It is a perfect - unchanging love.  It is in itself already whole and pure - there is NO MORE that I have to strive for, to earn, or yearn for.  The fullness is mine.  HOWEVER, I am mandating - in my own way - that human people love me the way that my God loves me.  I am mourning that I am not loved in the same fullness by the people of the earth as I am by my God.  I am wanting to hold this thing that is not mine to hold.  I am desiring to be filled by one who was not created to fill me.  It has caused me great pain, and I would like to think that the awareness of that fact is liberty - when truly the liberty is not in the knowing, but in the actions that flow from the knowledge.  Whew... My mind is reeling... Just reeling over this.

I am so prideful.  I have been so full of sin in my heart and the knowledge that that is true is in itself not liberty.  It is the response to that knowledge that holds freedom for me.  This quote is so simple, and yet so rich.  It seems like, a “duh” statement, but at the same time, truly comprehending the fullness eludes me.  Listen to it... (it is like God is saying), “I want you to do your part, but I don’t want you to exaggerate what your part produces.”  Staggering.  I produce nothing.  Not one thing.  I have been created for a purpose, and He will produce fruit from that which He has called me to, but it is His fruit.  The fruit is not from me, or of me, but being allowed to come through me by His hand.  I produce nothing.  I value what I have to say too much.  I expect others to want me to share it - to want to hear what I have to say...  and yet, He has given me a message that is to be shared - at all cost - because He has comforted me so that I can comfort others.  What in the world do you do with all that?  I am created for a purpose, but it is not my purpose that matters - or even my obedience - because in the grand scheme of things, He doesn’t need me.  He could use anyone or anything to bring about what He desires.  So, in one hand, He has given me a great gift on this earth - to have purpose, to be chosen, and on the other hand, He wants me to remember that it is His plan that will prevail.  It is His worth that matters - not my own.  I want to embrace humility, and yet, I cannot on my own even be humble.  YIKES.  I am a bit of a mess today.  That is certain. 

I am not sure if I am even making sense.  My knowledge tells me - it even demands that I repent before the Lord - declaring my perception of my self worth as an atrocity to His great Name.  It is.  It is absolutely ridiculous how highly I see myself.  And yet, He declares me worth the blood of His Son.  If I could get on my face and repent and mean it - I could be healed.  He could rend my heart and mend it back.  But I am going to be honest with you.  At this moment, my heart is not torn.  I am not nearly as unsettled as I need to be in this.  My discomfort has made me desire comfort in a way that I should be unnerved by.  And, in places, I am unnerved.  But, in places, I am still longing to be comforted - and surrendering to the idea that I deserve to be.  Oh Jesus help me.

I have much more in my heart - in my head, but for now...  I must shut it all down and run to the Word to see what jewels He has there.  What things He will tell me in the still and quiet moments that will rend my heart.  His Word is alive and living and able to pierce even the hardest of hearts - including mine. 

Emmanuel - let it be.  Emmanuel.  God be with me.  Rend my heart - until it is yours, fully yours.    

Holy Ground... or a stumbling block?

I know it is shocking... but I LOVE to worship Jesus through song.

Love it.

Some Sundays, I kick off my shoes to worship in the sanctuary.  I do it at my seat, or on the stage, wherever I am.  Sometimes I need to be reminded that where I am standing is Holy ground.  Sometimes I need to remember that worship is not at all about me, or my voice, or how much I love to sing.  So, sometimes, my shoes must leave my feet and I use that "symbol" to remind me that I am on Holy ground.  I am in the presence of the Almighty God.   

To me, Worship is about remembering that God is worthy of the whole mess of our lives.  He is worth risking everything - even losing everything if He can gain glory in the midst of it all.  He is worthy.  Worship serves as a reminder to me, and it is an offering to Him.  Worship is not about the posture of my body, but the posture of my heart.  It isn't about the position of my hands, but rather the position of my spirit.  


Rarely am I offended.  I will be honest here.  I used to be offended all the time.  I wore my heart on my sleeve and was easily hurt by the words and actions of others.  My pastor loved me enough to tell me that the reason I was like that was because I was full of PRIDE.  He was right.  I was so concerned with myself - and thought everyone else should be too.  I had to spend some time evaluating how my hurt feelings made me prideful - but in a backwards way - it is just a reality.  Anyway, since that time, I have practiced the art of capturing my thoughts.  And I have determined, there just really isn't much to get offended about.  No one has to like me.  No one has to go out of their way for me.  God through Jesus has already proven to me that I am loved, and I have been sacrificed for.  The ultimate gift, the ultimate love already resides with me - through Jesus - and that is more than sufficient for me.  So, why waste energy and time giving power to other people (in my mind) that they shouldn't hold over me?   I know this is a long train of thought, but stick with me here...


I was offended on Sunday.  But, it has served a great purpose.  


Someone went to the sound crew after the first service and asked them to tell the worship leader to ask me to put my shoes on during worship.  Now, granted, I was on the stage, so it would have been noticeable to more people that I wasn't wearing shoes - it wasn't that my feet stunk (I hope)...  but something deep inside of me burned - red hot.  At first, I really was pretty sure it was a righteous anger - and some of it might have been.  Here is the thought process...


"How dare you!  How dare you stand and tell someone how they should position themselves before the Lord?  How dare you not come to me directly?  How dare you stand in this worship center and be focused on anything other than God... seriously, whether or not I wear shoes affects your worship experience?  Why are you here if you are going to focus on something besides God?"  

Then, I reasoned with myself - "become all things to all men.. to the Jews a Jew, to the Greeks a Greek..."  and I had this prideful thought, "He didn't say, 'to the Pharisees a Pharisee'"... or did He not mean that when He said all thing to all men?  

Oh, wait.


Yep, there it was.  My flesh - all out there to deal with.  It was brought to my attention right before the second service, so it was after I had already offended this person with the absence of my shoes,  but, right before it was time to honor my King through song.  And I was groping for Truth.  I was flailing around in my mind trying to come around to right thinking - and being mad that my worship was being invaded by someone else's opinions.  


Don't get me wrong, I had already put my shoes on for second service.  Praise the Lord, He reminded me of this - "submit therefore to one another out of reverence for Christ."  It is all about revering Christ, so those shoes were going on my feet.  I literally didn't want my shoes to make someone else stumble.  But, I am still so uncertain of the correct way to approach this.  I have had a jumbled up mixture of these thoughts:


*  I am only in worship to worship the Almighty God - He alone determines my response in worship.
*  I am to submit to fellow believers out of reverence for Christ.
*  I will worship as I am lead by the Spirit 
*  I will consider others better than myself
*  I will not let any person tell me how I should worship
*  I will become all things to all men so that some might be saved.


So, how far do you take that?  On either end?  I love to raise my arms in worship, but if I know it is causing others to stumble do I not do it?  I believe Paul would say, "By no means!"  Authentic worship draws people to Jesus.  It is not about showmanship.  It is not about pretense, or posture.  It is about a relationship that elicits a response.  Some days, that means I dance around a little, some days that means I raise my hands, sometimes it means I get on my face, and sometimes it means I don't sing at all.   

But, dare I take my shoes off again in worship?  I don't know why the person was offended - or mentioned this.  Maybe they thought that I was irreverent for not wearing shoes.  Maybe, it was offensive to them because it seemed dishonoring to God.  I don't know.  For heaven's sake, I wish they would have come and talked to me.  But, here are some things I have gleaned from this...


* Maybe sometimes when I took my shoes off it was more of a symbol and less of an attitude in my heart. That is something to work out in my mind for sure.  
* Maybe sometimes - in my own pew - I will kick off my shoes after all.
* Maybe sometimes it is okay to adjust my posture to show my affections to Christ through submission to another brother or sister in the body.
* Maybe sometimes I will worship without considering anyone but the Almighty God and my affections for Him.
* Maybe it is time to address this idea of Worship in a corporate setting.  Maybe our focus needs some refocusing.  
* Maybe, in the long run, I am better off because I had to wrestle - right there on the stage (and much at home as well) - with this offense.  
* Maybe, in the long run, it doesn't really matter where my shoes are as long as my motive is pure.
* God knows the thoughts before we have them, the needs before we say them, and the deeds before we do them.  He alone can judge the hearts of men.
* What is your motive in worship?  Is it to sing on cue, on pitch, and "look the part" - or is it to simply be in awe of the One who made all the heavenly hosts?  Is it to tell God that He is ever faithful and good and right and trustworthy?  
* On a day to day basis, worship might just be spelled M-O-T-I-V-E


Jesus, help us to worship you in Spirit and in Truth.  Help us to be mindful of your sacrifice - and just what that should mean to us in every activity we undertake.  Come, Lord Jesus and rescue us from these decaying bodies!  Thank you that your love is perfect, and it is enough.  Thank you that one day we will not be constantly pulled towards sin and the flesh.  Thank you that you loved me even as I wrestled on the stage - even when I made something that is always about you - about me.  Thank you for your never ending, all sustaining grace.  You are good.