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Where do I begin?
Good grief! It has been months since I’ve been here - and I have missed writing so much!
Life is made up of little chunks of time, and I am noticing that every day you have to choose what moments you want your life made up of. Those are the things you invest your time in. The hard part is the choosing - there seems to be a constant barrage of things that you could invest your time in. Things clamoring for first place in your life. But, the beautiful part is YOU CHOOSE. Maybe today, I will just encourage you to choose wisely what things you allow to take pieces of your heart, and pieces of your life. Your life is made of time... Minutes that turn to hours that turn to days, that turn to years.
So, therefore, it follows that what you give your time to, you are ultimately giving your life to.
This new year has brought so many good things for us.
We have more direction in our days. We have more stability in our lives as a whole. The changes have been radical... but so very good.
Today I rejoice in the blessings that are all around my life. My children. My family. My friends. My jobs. My health. God is so very faithful.
In November I was sent a message inquiring if I would like to grow in the area of leading worship. If you have read even just a handful of posts from me, you know that Worship is such a big part of my heart. The opportunity to lead worship... to sit before the Lord and ask what is on His heart for our body each week as we seek to enter His presence stirred something deep inside. But, as with many gifts that come from the Lord, it doesn’t stop there, with the filling of my soul... It also helps me to provide for my precious family. Truly, what a gift. I was literally days away from having to take a job that would have taken me away from my kiddos in the evenings and on the weekends. Heartbreaking. I just couldn’t turn the application to the other job in. Only God can look down and see the depth of our needs - emotional, spiritual, financial, physical... He alone knows how to create something from nothing. I prayed for a few months, as the timing was really not what I would have expected - and then took the position in January. The kids and I are so excited to get to know everyone in the body there. It has been so encouraging for all of us. It seems that every Sunday someone encourages us in a deep way about being there. It was hard to be called away from our other church family. We have deep roots. We have much love in our hearts for that family. But, when God moves, and He beckons you to follow, the only wise choice is to go. He alone is wise. He doesn’t think like me. He doesn’t act like me. And, I trust Him with all that is in me.
December was so hard. Our first Christmas without Jake. The air was thick with the understanding that he wasn’t there. Some moments, like putting lights on the house, and getting the Christmas tree seemed like they would bring me to the end of hope. Where was my boy? How do we do this? Praise be to God that He provided friends to make that time easier for us. But, easier does not mean easy. Many tears. Many hard moments of just feeling the loss.
January flew by. I was in a whirlwind the whole month I think.
When February came, it was like a series of long cold winter days. No life in the trees. Only dead branches. Only stillness that shouted to the reality that we were coming up on a year. A whole year without Jacob. How can it only be a year? And, how can it already be a year? One moment feeling guilt that there were days that I walked forward with joy and purpose without him. One moment feeling guilty that there were days that I couldn’t take the next step without falling on my face in desperation. No emotion seems like the right one. No reaction seems like it is appropriate. The 3rd (2 days before the first anniversary of his death) I felt suffocated. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I didn’t know how to move at all. I was gripped with so many emotions. But, God in His sovereign ability, reached down and carried us through those days. Those messy days. Lots of tears. Lots of pain. Lots of sweet memories. Lots of conflicting emotions.
Now, here we are. Almost to March. Looking around, there are small hints of new life coming to the earth. Clovers growing in the yard - adding patches of green, of new growth, of hope. The first few days of what felt like Spring reared their head for a moment. Sun shining. Warmth on my skin, reminding me that God has many beautiful days ahead of us. And, I am looking forward to a retreat. I am going to be attending a retreat called Haven of Hope in Round Top in March. It is for momma’s who have lost a child. I anticipate it will be hard. I anticipate I will have emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other. To hear his name. To tell people that never knew him what an amazing boy he was... To speak about it over and over... To relive memories of the hospital. To relive memories of the phone call.. The unanswered questions... Well, it could be overwhelming. But, rather, I think that God has something beautiful and healing in store for me. I believe that there will be treasures hidden in the darkness of my story. I believe that I will be encouraged. And, I pray that I will be used to encourage others. Surely there will be new connections with ladies that have known the same type of loss that I have known. Surely God will do mighty things. Please take a moment and pray for all of us mommas that will be there. Pray healing for us in deep places. Pray truth, and vulnerability for us so that we can grow together and grow in the Lord.
Thanks for following me here. There is much more in my heart, but for now, this will do. May God open your eyes to the blessings He is pouring out all around you daily. If you look for Him, you will see Him, and you will wonder how you have missed Him all this time. When you seek Him, you will find Him when you search for Him with all of your heart. A worthy endeavor, I assure you.
Blessings.
~Christy
