Not many days ago I met a young man who was having a rough time of things. I came upon he and another man that were praying in a parking lot in town. I drove by and said out loud in my car, "Jesus be with them and meet the practical needs they have. You know what is going on there I do not." and I was content to drive forward.... for about 2 seconds. Then, in my mind, I heard God telling me to go and offer to meet the practical need.
Can I tell you in that moment I said, "God, don't be silly. These are two grown men. Seriously, what do I have to offer?" I kept driving towards my house.
But, this nagging "turn around and ask to meet the need..." wouldn't leave my spirit at peace. So, after about 1 more minute of driving the wrong way, I circled back.
Long story short(er)... this same young man asked me a question recently.
A question that begs to be answered.
Demands it actually.
I know that God is after his heart because of how strongly He was insisting that I go back and be the answer to a practical need. So, here is the long answer to that short question.
God is real.
God is love.
God pursues us. Never gives up on us.
Religion is man's attempt to get to God.
Religion fails.
Religion never "saved" anyone.
Jesus is real.
Jesus' love is not dependent on what we do... or how we act.
Jesus offers love and freedom and grace.
Religion offers judgement and laws and shame.
I say this because I think many people have tried to offer this young man religion, although the man that was praying with him before I got there was truly offering him Jesus, not religion, and possibly a job!
Religion never wins.
Love wins.
Grace wins.
Love never fails.
The question he asked me was poignant. It hurt a little.
I have lived through a lot of trials. I have experienced a lifetime of both big and small losses. But, the death of my son...the loss of my beloved first born child has got to be the thing that threatened to tear me apart - to destroy me - more than any other. There is no pain in the world that I have known so far as the pain of that loss. The loss of a child.
The question that was asked of me was this, "Who do you love more, god or your son?"
Stop for a minute, and try to be honest with yourself about this. Put your child's name in the blank there and be real. God already knows. Who do you love more, god or Abby? Who do you love more, god or Taylor? Who do you love more, god or Matthew? If you don't have children, then think of the person on the earth that you feel like you could never live without. Who do you love more, god or _____? (Sidenote, I don't believe in "a" god. I believe in The God. The One true God - to whom there is no equal... but I was asked the question with a little g, so that is how I have presented it here.)
I remember being 22. I had only been a mom for a year. But, I had NEVER known a love like the love that I felt for that tiny human. Jake had my whole heart. MY WHOLE HEART. He was my world. Every bad thing I had ever done didn't matter when I looked at his face. He was the most perfect and beautiful thing I had ever accomplished. I adored him. More than God, for sure. I remember (though I am not sure how old Jake was, and Maddy could've been around by then too) confessing to God that I didn't love him (God) more than my family. I wanted to know how, but I didn't see how it was possible. I prayed OFTEN that He would help me to love Him above all things. That is the right order. Love God, then love others. But, saying that and doing it, or meaning it are very different things.
So, I set my mind on loving God more. I prayed more. I read the Word more. I listened more when the Spirit spoke to my heart. Somewhere along the way, God took ahold of my heart in a way that I knew He won. He had my heart - all of it, and as a result, I was a better mom. I loved my kids more. I loved them better. I walked less "offended" by other people's actions. I have NEVER been perfect. I will never be perfect... but I loved them with the broken, imperfect love I have more than I can ever express.
Now, fast-forward. My precious son is 15. He got his first job. He was taking driver's ed. He was about to have his first girlfriend. I was thankful for the peace that was in our home. It was a sweet place, and it was a joy to be walking with God and trusting that He alone would provide for all of the needs of my own and my family. He was still first, and I was seeking hard after Him. I KNEW the depth of my blessings and I thanked God for them every day. But, on a Tuesday afternoon, a day that seemed like every other... my whole life changed. My Jacob walked out the door, joyful and precious. We shared some texts throughout the day. And then, while I was at work, a friend of mine came over and said that the school had called him. My Jacob collapsed and they were doing CPR on him. I got in my van and I drove as fast as I could to the hospital where my son was. I won't share the whole story right now, but I will say this... I knew the only hope I had came from God. I begged Him, and I asked others to pray too - that He would give me back my son. I believed from the depths of my soul that God could make that boy sit up on the table and we would all rejoice and share the miracle of how God healed his broken body. But, that doesn't get to be my story.
So, it changed me.
In the beginning all I had that could keep me sane were the truths I had been told from my youth. I clung to those. I knew they were true. But, in the midst of the pain... a new struggle came up and I couldn't fight it on my own. The devil had a new way to try and destroy me... again, I won't go into details, but it almost worked. In those days, and even through the next year, I was so angry at God. I felt like I had been faithful. I had prayed. I had walked according to His word for more years than I hadn't. I felt like I had "earned" a favorable outcome. I felt like I earned a little time without drama and chaos and sadness. If all my faithfulness to Him did was earn me more pain, I had a hard time trusting this God who "only had good" for me. There is a quiet teaching that permeates the church as "truth" that isn't fully truth at all. It goes something like this, "Make sure you live your life in a way that you can receive blessings from God." What it subtly says if you keep your nose clean on God's big sin spectrum, you will earn his blessings and it hints that you won't have to face the bad things. It also hints that if you are "in sin" you won't get the blessings of God. You will be an outcast... separated. I had walked as correctly and as sinless as I knew how to walk... and losing my son was NOT a blessing.
My new reality pushes me even today to re-look at everything I have ever been taught. I have had to really dig deep to understand why I felt so betrayed. I had to dive into the hurt that I had - not only because God had allowed my son to be taken from the earth, but because of the assault that came immediately after. For the first time in my broken life, I found myself very angry at God. He should have protected me. He shouldn't have allowed that to come into my life while I was so broken, so vulnerable. I felt forsaken. I felt like He had left me alone. Truthfully, several people I had considered dear friends did leave me alone. After all, in their minds it was the "holy" thing to do. But, all it did was speak the devils lie louder to my heart. God was going to test me, and leave me there in my broken place - and if I didn't make all the right decisions, I was ousted from the place of blessing. I know Scripture. I know it says that God does not test us. I know that it says He will never leave or forsake us, but in those moments, I doubted those things were true because people are so very unlike God.
Our minds are the most powerful thing about us. We can withstand SOOO much if our minds are set to get through it. So, the true answer to the question "who do you love more?" is that I love God more. So, how did I get back there? It was every little moment that God pursued me - even in the most broken of places. It was the nights I was curled up in a ball sobbing on the floor of my bathroom because I didn't know how I would take one more step without my son. In those times, God would come to me - He would drop the words to an old hymn or worship song into my mind. As I sang the words, a little healing would come - and I would have the bravery to get up, wipe away the tears and move on. It was in those kinds of moments that He would put a part of Scripture into my mind - and when I opened my Bible to the full chapter - the Words brought life and encouragement to my weary heart. It was the moments when I was weeping at the altar and a friend would come pray over me and she was speaking to the depths of my soul as the Spirit led her in a prayer for me. She prayed the exact words over me that I had just silently cried out to God (in my mind). It was the moment when I remembered my mom coming into my room late one night because the Lord told her to come check on me. I had been laying there praying for her to come. I don't know why I wouldn't get up and go to her. That was unusual for me. But, that night I laid in my bed crying silently - and the next thing you know my mom was standing there. She asked, "Are you okay, honey, I really felt like the Spirit was telling me to come check on you." It was those moments that reminded me God had not and would NEVER leave or forsake me. He was with me. Even in the moments of abuse and betrayal - maybe especially in the moments of abuse and betrayal...He was there and He was my comfort. He loved me every moment and pulled me close to His heart every moment I didn't push Him away.
You see, I KNOW that God is true. I KNOW that He will never leave me or forsake me. I know what He offers me. It is not if I can keep my nose clean enough - He will accept me. He has already accepted everything about me. He made me, and He knew me from the very beginning. He adores me. He has good for me when I am in sin and when I am not. There are consequences of sin. That is certain. But God's intentions towards me are always holy - and they are always good.
I know Him more than I ever thought I would. And, I still hardly know Him at all.
But, I know this: I know He is good.
He gave me my precious children - all of them. He is the giver of all good things. Sin and death have tried to take from me - God did not. My only hope is in the truth of the Gospel. My hope to see my mom, my sons and daughter who are in Heaven, and all of my friends and family who have gone before me is in the work of Jesus on the Cross of Calvary. There is so very much more I want to say here, but I know I have rambled on. This world is hard. It is not easy - whether you believe you are sinful or not. This world will deal out things that aren't fair... that are difficult. You have two options. You can feel sorry for yourself and become bitter towards God and the church, or you can decide (in your powerful mind) that life is choices. With God, you have the power to choose how you react to any and every situation. You have the power to get back up when life pushes you down. You have the power to be kind when others are hateful. You have the power to believe that God is for you - even when it looks like He might be against you. What you believe will determine who you become. Every choice you make will lead you towards becoming somebody you want to be - or somebody you don't.
Own your stuff.
Change you choices, and move forward. What you say about God doesn't change Him one bit. But what you believe about God has the power to change you more than any other single thing in the world. Talk to me - ask me - sit with me and let me tell you of the goodness of the God of the Universe. He doesn't need my endorsement - but He has allowed me to experience some things and I will tell of His glory. I will speak of His faithfulness. He is good. He sees me. He knows me and He loves me still. He sees you too, He knows you too, and He loves you too. Choose this day to believe that God is everything He says He is, and then watch how He proves it over and over in your life. So, my sweet friend, I love God the most. But, let me help you understand that the truth of that statement doesn't diminish one tiny little bit the love I have for all of my children. They are the most precious gifts ever to be given to me.
Love you all. Thanks for taking time to read. I know I have a LOT of words!
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Saturday, August 25, 2018
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
One of many
I have had so many things stirring around in my heart over the last few weeks.
Due to the random nature of writing (composing a draft while the idea is fresh), I take what I can... a scrap piece of paper, a voice note to myself, my journal or even the back of an MLS listing and write as many of my thoughts down as possible when all the words come to the surface. It seems to grab a hold of me at times that may not be the most convenient to come and sit down at my computer and just get typing.
Because of this, I am going to be posting several chats in a row, maybe all today. Lots of thoughts about lots of things... and all just got me stirred up in some form or fashion.
So, this is fair warning... I hope you have a minute to sit and stay a while. Grab a warm cup of coffee and join me for a little time to ponder some heart things... it is my joy that you join me here.
Post 1:
Valentines Day was a month and a half ago.
Some of you just got all giddy (butterflies and all) and some of you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way, you probably have some type of strong response. Maybe you have been so hurt by this day that you have turned off all emotion towards it at all. You have shoved it all down deep and refuse to acknowledge the day in any way, shape or form.
My pastor was teaching last month about the Shape of Love. The question of the message was this, "When your life is shaped by love, what does it look like?"
You know, I have strong feelings about what it does look like and what it absolutely doesn't look like. I used to be so bitter about this Holiday in particular. I HATED it. When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really know how to love, it can be super confusing and painful. One day a year to be told you are loved or valued and 364.5 to be treated like you are worth nothing. Or every day you hear what you want to hear but all of the words are meaningless because they are never followed up by action - or worse yet, the actions prove out a completely different thing than love.
Ouch.
Christians preach the message that the Ultimate love comes only from one source. I happen to agree 100% with this teaching. However, I would say so many of these Christians (myself included) have at times been some of the most unloving people on the planet. In what they believe is true Christian love, they pound you with their theologies of works and their questions (intended to make you look inside and adjust something to "please" God more with your life), or they shun you or ban you or speak out strongly against one sin theme or another, but ultimately, they just create confusion about the TRUE Gospel.
Ouch again.
Let me give you an example or two. 1. Homosexuality. 2. Abortion.
You wanna talk about some HOT TOPICS. And "the religious" everywhere make a ridiculous mess of something that is SO SIMPLE. They go on and on using their social platforms to put down entire groups of people they do not know or care to understand in the name of "Christianity". That is not like Jesus, it isn't Christian, it is RELIGION. The religious are who Jesus condemned... not the sinners. Sheesh. The ones who had all of their checklists checked off - these are the ones that were so blinded to their own mess that Jesus called them a brood of vipers.
Yes, I believe that homosexuality is sin. Sex outside of marriage = sinful.
And I also believe:
Stealing paper clips from work is a sin.
Billing for hours that you didn't actually work is a sin.
Gossiping in the name of prayer requests = sin
Cheating on your taxes.... you guessed it... sin.
That little "white lie" = sin.
The selfishness you just showed your spouse = sin.
Glancing lustfully at that billboard, or movie star, or person walking by = sin.
Losing your temper with your child because you are stressed out = sin.
Abortion = sin.
Cussing when you stub your toe = sin.
Drinking until you feel tipsy = sin.
Neglecting the Sabbath day = sin
Your arrogance in not being able to pinpoint any particular sin in your life = sin (just to spell it out, the sin of self-righteousness and pride is lurking, my friend).
All of this... and many many more are why Christ had to come in the first place. Just because we have made some sins socially acceptable doesn't mean that we see like God.
What did Christ do with the sinners? What did He do with the woman caught in adultery? While the Pharisees were ready to stone her to death, He drew a line in the sand... He asked for the one without sin to cast the first stone. He demonstrated to the religious that their sin stunk to high heaven... just like hers.
In this past few years I have experienced an intense level of Pharisaical judgment brought about by my own sin and the sinful response of those who felt more holy than I am.
A lot of people leave the church altogether over things just like this. They assume God is the same as the people who are claiming to represent Him.
I love God. I need community. I need other Believers. There are many many churches full of people who know how to love you through sin (Christlike) rather than hang you out to make an example of you. Being an instrument to bring shame is something the Devil does. Desiring to love and restore someone is the very merciful heart of God.
Oh how I am thankful to God that He is so unlike man.
Don't get me wrong. There is a Biblical recipe for someone caught up in sin. There is a process that is described for one who is set against God. But, I would tell you, not one person who on "wise counsel" shunned me, knocked on my door or came to me in person. Not one. Not one person who gave counsel to shun me had knocked either. Do you think that Jesus was pleased with this? Do you think this was loving?
Oh mercy. Jesus forgive them, for they know not what they do and help me forgive them too.
Jesus forgive me because I have been just like that myself.
**sidenote** two people did come knock on my door. They did it the right way, and God bless them, they honored God in their coming.
My point is this. Christians should be all about showing the love of Christ. Out of everyone, we should know from the depths of our soul what God has released us from, and God forgive us when we forget it... when we reach a place where we think we are so "cleaned up" we forget why we need a Savior in the first place. When you reach a place that you think you've got it, you really don't have anything at all. You can speak in the tongues of angels and be a loud gong... nothing but an annoyance. My Facebook feed is full to the brim of loud and clanging symbols. I have filled my own feed with clanging. Where is the LOVE?
Your normal "Christian" may not be anything like this loud mouthed (or loud on Social Media) friend or co-worker. What if there really are Christians who understand they are sinful too, and that their poop stinks just like yours?
The world really does need love. There is but one lawgiver and judge. If we are to call ourselves Christians, let's get out of His way and be the hands and feet that He created us to be. Our condemnation of any act or group - no matter how sinful - does not prove how loving we are. It tells a completely different story about us.
Let's let our lives be marked by the way we love. Let it be marked by the way we spend ourselves on behalf of the weak, the poor and the ones who need Hope and Truth. Let's feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Stand beside the broken. Let's love.
If you get all worked up over the gay and lesbian lifestyle, maybe Jesus is calling you to befriend someone who is in that lifestyle and LISTEN to them without judging them. Maybe if you get all worked up over abortion you should go volunteer some time at a place where you can be around the women who make up the majority of those who get abortions. Maybe you need UNDERSTANDING. Maybe you need to eat with sinners. Maybe you need to sit before God a bit and ask who you have hurt by your judgement and your clanging Facebook page. Maybe you need to show love and leave the judgement to the only One who can rightfully hold that position.
When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket LOVE is the only thing that will help. Love SURROUNDS itself with hurting people. And with that, I will leave this post and head over to a whole new topic in the next week or so...
Peace my friends. Peace and love from this broken sinner straight to you.
Due to the random nature of writing (composing a draft while the idea is fresh), I take what I can... a scrap piece of paper, a voice note to myself, my journal or even the back of an MLS listing and write as many of my thoughts down as possible when all the words come to the surface. It seems to grab a hold of me at times that may not be the most convenient to come and sit down at my computer and just get typing.
Because of this, I am going to be posting several chats in a row, maybe all today. Lots of thoughts about lots of things... and all just got me stirred up in some form or fashion.
So, this is fair warning... I hope you have a minute to sit and stay a while. Grab a warm cup of coffee and join me for a little time to ponder some heart things... it is my joy that you join me here.
Post 1:
Valentines Day was a month and a half ago.
Some of you just got all giddy (butterflies and all) and some of you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way, you probably have some type of strong response. Maybe you have been so hurt by this day that you have turned off all emotion towards it at all. You have shoved it all down deep and refuse to acknowledge the day in any way, shape or form.
My pastor was teaching last month about the Shape of Love. The question of the message was this, "When your life is shaped by love, what does it look like?"
You know, I have strong feelings about what it does look like and what it absolutely doesn't look like. I used to be so bitter about this Holiday in particular. I HATED it. When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really know how to love, it can be super confusing and painful. One day a year to be told you are loved or valued and 364.5 to be treated like you are worth nothing. Or every day you hear what you want to hear but all of the words are meaningless because they are never followed up by action - or worse yet, the actions prove out a completely different thing than love.
Ouch.
Christians preach the message that the Ultimate love comes only from one source. I happen to agree 100% with this teaching. However, I would say so many of these Christians (myself included) have at times been some of the most unloving people on the planet. In what they believe is true Christian love, they pound you with their theologies of works and their questions (intended to make you look inside and adjust something to "please" God more with your life), or they shun you or ban you or speak out strongly against one sin theme or another, but ultimately, they just create confusion about the TRUE Gospel.
Ouch again.
Let me give you an example or two. 1. Homosexuality. 2. Abortion.
You wanna talk about some HOT TOPICS. And "the religious" everywhere make a ridiculous mess of something that is SO SIMPLE. They go on and on using their social platforms to put down entire groups of people they do not know or care to understand in the name of "Christianity". That is not like Jesus, it isn't Christian, it is RELIGION. The religious are who Jesus condemned... not the sinners. Sheesh. The ones who had all of their checklists checked off - these are the ones that were so blinded to their own mess that Jesus called them a brood of vipers.
Yes, I believe that homosexuality is sin. Sex outside of marriage = sinful.
And I also believe:
Stealing paper clips from work is a sin.
Billing for hours that you didn't actually work is a sin.
Gossiping in the name of prayer requests = sin
Cheating on your taxes.... you guessed it... sin.
That little "white lie" = sin.
The selfishness you just showed your spouse = sin.
Glancing lustfully at that billboard, or movie star, or person walking by = sin.
Losing your temper with your child because you are stressed out = sin.
Abortion = sin.
Cussing when you stub your toe = sin.
Drinking until you feel tipsy = sin.
Neglecting the Sabbath day = sin
Your arrogance in not being able to pinpoint any particular sin in your life = sin (just to spell it out, the sin of self-righteousness and pride is lurking, my friend).
All of this... and many many more are why Christ had to come in the first place. Just because we have made some sins socially acceptable doesn't mean that we see like God.
What did Christ do with the sinners? What did He do with the woman caught in adultery? While the Pharisees were ready to stone her to death, He drew a line in the sand... He asked for the one without sin to cast the first stone. He demonstrated to the religious that their sin stunk to high heaven... just like hers.
In this past few years I have experienced an intense level of Pharisaical judgment brought about by my own sin and the sinful response of those who felt more holy than I am.
A lot of people leave the church altogether over things just like this. They assume God is the same as the people who are claiming to represent Him.
I love God. I need community. I need other Believers. There are many many churches full of people who know how to love you through sin (Christlike) rather than hang you out to make an example of you. Being an instrument to bring shame is something the Devil does. Desiring to love and restore someone is the very merciful heart of God.
Oh how I am thankful to God that He is so unlike man.
Don't get me wrong. There is a Biblical recipe for someone caught up in sin. There is a process that is described for one who is set against God. But, I would tell you, not one person who on "wise counsel" shunned me, knocked on my door or came to me in person. Not one. Not one person who gave counsel to shun me had knocked either. Do you think that Jesus was pleased with this? Do you think this was loving?
Oh mercy. Jesus forgive them, for they know not what they do and help me forgive them too.
Jesus forgive me because I have been just like that myself.
**sidenote** two people did come knock on my door. They did it the right way, and God bless them, they honored God in their coming.
Your normal "Christian" may not be anything like this loud mouthed (or loud on Social Media) friend or co-worker. What if there really are Christians who understand they are sinful too, and that their poop stinks just like yours?
The world really does need love. There is but one lawgiver and judge. If we are to call ourselves Christians, let's get out of His way and be the hands and feet that He created us to be. Our condemnation of any act or group - no matter how sinful - does not prove how loving we are. It tells a completely different story about us.
Let's let our lives be marked by the way we love. Let it be marked by the way we spend ourselves on behalf of the weak, the poor and the ones who need Hope and Truth. Let's feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Stand beside the broken. Let's love.
If you get all worked up over the gay and lesbian lifestyle, maybe Jesus is calling you to befriend someone who is in that lifestyle and LISTEN to them without judging them. Maybe if you get all worked up over abortion you should go volunteer some time at a place where you can be around the women who make up the majority of those who get abortions. Maybe you need UNDERSTANDING. Maybe you need to eat with sinners. Maybe you need to sit before God a bit and ask who you have hurt by your judgement and your clanging Facebook page. Maybe you need to show love and leave the judgement to the only One who can rightfully hold that position.
When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket LOVE is the only thing that will help. Love SURROUNDS itself with hurting people. And with that, I will leave this post and head over to a whole new topic in the next week or so...
Peace my friends. Peace and love from this broken sinner straight to you.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Too much stuff... a few resolutions and True Love...
Friends, today I am fed up with having too much stuff.
I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff. I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff. What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere. And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.
We need more time.
We need more space.
We need more silence.
So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.
This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year. It just charges me up!
So, yes. I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.
I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!
I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few. Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.
I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook. Hate it even. But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans. Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.
I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.
This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.
It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes. Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.
I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".
And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.
We don't mince words.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.
He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.
We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.
But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.
I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me... "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."
Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.
Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE. I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy". But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.
That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!
I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!! I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally! Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.
My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.
Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!
This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul. Ha! I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.
I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.
I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff. I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff. What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere. And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.
We need more time.
We need more space.
We need more silence.
So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.
This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year. It just charges me up!
So, yes. I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.
I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!
I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few. Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.
I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook. Hate it even. But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans. Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.
I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.
This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.
It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes. Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.
I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".
And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.
We don't mince words.We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.
He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.
We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.
But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.
I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me... "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."
Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.
Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE. I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy". But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.
That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!
I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!! I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally! Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.
My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.
Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!
This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul. Ha! I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.
I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Oh February...
I feel like a crazy person. Grief can do that.
The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.
It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.
It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess. But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me, in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom, tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.
Oh momma. Oh Jacob. How I ache to the depths of my soul for the day when all things will be made new.
I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".
Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.
I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all. I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak. I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.
He is enough.
He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.
I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.
I will lean in today.
I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.
And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.
My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.
Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.
To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."
Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.
And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.
Much love,
Christy
The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.
It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.
It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess. But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me, in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom, tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.
I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.
I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all. I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak. I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.
He is enough.
He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.
I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.
I will lean in today.
I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.
And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.
My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.
Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.
To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."
Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.
And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.
Much love,
Christy
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