Somewhere over the Rainbow

I have always loved the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".

Wishing upon a star... clouds far behind. Blue birds flying - troubles melting away.  Dreams coming true.

If we are being truthful, I think we all long for a place that isn't right where we are sometimes. It is those days that push us to the limits of what we think we can bear. The days where every light is red, and every meeting runs long, the kids are fighting and for some reason your head just aches. Every time the phone rings it is bad news and you just wish for a moment that you hadn't even gotten out of bed.  Those days come for all of us.  Sometimes those days seem like they will never stop coming. One hard day after another for weeks, and sometimes even years.

The wintertime of the soul.
Bleak.
Grey and so disappointing.
Disheartening to the point that you forget what the point really is.

I have been there. Day after day so dark that I couldn't remember that good days ever were. Every day waking to wonder in what way the enemy would try to tear me apart today. Fearful of what means he would use to try to send destruction to my life. Oh I am thankful to be out of that season. It seemed like it may never end. At every turn there was judgement and pain and confusion. Some of those days I could muster up a pep-talk for myself.  I could tell myself the truths I grew up on:
God is good.
He will never leave me.
He is not mad at me.
He is not punishing me because He is disappointed in me.
Love never fails.

But, some days I couldn't even make the thoughts stick, much less come to any sort of belief in them.
If you are reading this and you are in this winter season all I can say is I am sorry. Oh how I wish there were a magic formula to pull you out from that place. I wish there were words that would grab your heart so deeply that you could believe with all that you are that God is for you and not against you.  He has not hidden himself. He does not delight in your sorrow. But, I know well that words are futile in this place, and I am so sorry.

And yet, for me, today the clouds seem to be clearing away... not far behind me (yet), but I can see the sun is poking out again. It's warm rays are beaming down and wrapping me up like a cozy blanket. Oh how I have missed that! It is strange. The darkness is near enough that there are days I still want to retreat and listen to music that invites the sadness to come close and the tears to fall. Yet, the sun is beckoning me to come out and remember joy. What a strange place.

I stopped by the cemetery a few days ago.  I will be honest.  I don't do that much. My Jacob isn't there, and personally for me, I am not closer to his memory there either.  It is just the way I am wired. I would rather snuggle the blanket that he loved dearly and be in my own home - the home I was raising him in. But, today, I just wanted to stop by. It was a beautiful day and it was good for me to go. I remember choosing the verse that would be on this stone. I remember the desperation of it all. The weight of picking out the clothes and the pictures and what would be engraved and even the font. Every detail was important because my boy was so very important. Anyway, the sun broke through the clouds and I just thought it was God's little reminder that He is there.  In the heartache, He is there. In the good times, He is there. In every season of the soul... He is with me.  Such a sweet God. Such a good Savior.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

He has given me the assurance that He won't give up on me. He will work it out to completion. Of course the level to which I cooperate will determine a lot along the way. But, isn't it nice to know that He won't give up? I love that I can put confidence in that. Because it is very dissimilar to placing confidence in myself. I am well-intentioned, but oh so human. If I had to rely on myself for everything, I would be in trouble. And, without doubt, every time I rely solely on myself I get in trouble.

I flew recently and actually had the distinct pleasure of flying over a rainbow. It was interesting to look down on a rainbow instead of looking up at it. It wasn't glorious or more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, but it instantly triggered the lyrics to the song in my mind and I smiled a wide smile and let my thoughts drift to dreams I would dare to dream. Even in that, there is a breath of fresh air. Dreaming can be so good - as long as you are willing to snap back to reality in due time. Ha! I am not sure what season I am in. I still look over my shoulder for the enemy's attack... but I am pressing forward knowing that today I have something strong and secure to lean into even if the attack does come. Faith is confidence of things hoped for - and an assurance of that which we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) Faith is what holds me secure in the trials - and what gives me hope when all seems to be going well.

I liked flying over the rainbow. I liked dreaming of dreams. I like the idea of clouds being far behind me. Today has not been the easiest of days. I call it a deep breath in, deep breath out kind of day. But, I just keep breathing and remembering that all things will be worked out for good, even though in the middle it is hard to see how. And I am so thankful that eternity will be a place with no more worry or tears or pain... just love and peace and a beautiful, holy God that made the way for me. I hope you have that peace and hope in your heart today. If you are in that season of darkness, message me so that I can pray for you. You are not alone, and you should not feel alone! We were not made to try and figure it all out on our own, or to try and test the limits of our strength. We were made for community and sometimes that is messy... but it is so good when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with SAFE people.

I will leave you with a sweet blessing that my friend Mary always says to me when we part. Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

Be encouraged today that God sees you, and have a heart of gratitude for even one thing that you can see in your life that is good.  Gratitude is sweet medicine to a weary soul.

Much love my friends!
~ Christy