Unexpected times of rest...

Today, I feel like poop.  I have the flu.  Stupid flu.

Seriously, I am such a baby when I don’t feel good.  I really just want my mommy, if I am honest. 

But, it affords me the opportunity to sit - snuggled in my very soft blankie with a fire in the fireplace and read and write.  So, in that - there is beauty.  Great beauty, actually.  This is one of my favorite things to do... and the weather is perfect for it!  Again I am so thankful for my job - and the grace I am given to be able to be home when I need rest.

I am struck today by the vastness of God’s understanding.  His ways are so far beyond my own.  I believe that He crafted each on of us - and therefore He knows us full well.  He sees every good thought - and every wicked one.  He sees every act of kindness, and every selfish one.  Nothing in all of creation is hidden from His sight.  That stirs in me two different emotions.  Fear - because I don’t even know my own heart half the time, and peace, because He saw me just as I am - and He chose me anyway. 

Misty Edwards sings it in a song like this, as if God were singing over you: “I knew what I was getting into when I chose you.  I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, and I said it just the same... I knew what I was getting into when I chose you - and I am not shocked by your weakness, I am not shocked even by your sin...  I am not shocked by your brokenness...” 

I love the truth of those words.  Nothing I do or say or think catches Him off guard.  Nothing is beyond His ability to heal and redeem.  Nothing is out of His capable hands.  Nothing.  It is staggering for me to think that He is not limited  - because I have so many limitations.  I recognize now, more than ever the weakness of my flesh.  I see the pull constantly to take my life in my own hands.  I am just thankful that - He - even though He sees it too, still calls me His beloved.  His beauty, His delight. 

Truly, He fulfills the deepest longings in my heart.  He wants to fill your heart too.  He wants to prove Himself to you.  He is fully capable.  I think of that every day as I look at some things going on in my life.  He is absolutely able - and limited by nothing.  He created me with passion and dreams and He didn’t do that to torture me.  He did that because He wants to watch me unwrap them in His timing.  It is the same for you.  Geez, His timing is strange to me.  But, He knows everything.  He knows how one thing will affect another all the way down through time.  He sees it all - and He knows if what you are asking is good for you or not.  He knows if your heart is ready for the responsibility of that thing you desire.  Psalm 84:11 says this, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

He is not holding out on you as you think He is.  That is a lie from the very pit of Hell.  He just fully knows what is good - and what is not.  I have found myself asking Him for a lot of things lately.  But, quickly following it up with - “Lord help me to want what is best - not only what I think is best.”  I trust Him.  More now than at any other time in my life.  I have no concern that He will turn His back on me - even in the most desperate of times.  He is trustworthy and true. 

I look at the suffering in the world - and though I am not surprised - He told us of the days that are coming... I am saddened at how far His church is from being the instrument of healing He intended it to be.  He says the world should know us by our love one for another, and yet, I think if we are honest, we could say that the world knows us by our judgments and our pitiful display of self righteousness.  He says that the outside of the cup looks great - but the inside, well, it is another story entirely.  It is filthy.  We constantly stand with the accuser and we condemn those who already know they should be condemned and we wound those that have the deepest wounds already.  Why is it so hard to love?  Why is it so difficult to remember what Jesus came to do?  He came to set the captives free.  To bind up our broken hearts.  He came to bring abundant life.  We have settled for so much less than this - and even in the name of righteousness.  When did I become such a Pharisee?  When did I forget that it isn’t about the law - but about the blood of Christ which brings freedom?  I am asking the Lord to give me words of healing and life.  I am asking God to move His Spirit within me in ways that I can’t explain apart from Him.  I am asking Him to renew with passion the love I have for Him as the keeper of my heart.  I want to laugh more, and love better.  I want to become all that He ever intended.  I want that for you too.  I want you to embrace whatever it is that He has called you to - and I want you to run forward as if He is the only thing you have.  When it all unravels, He stands firmly in place to be all that you need for this hour, and for each one to come. 

Grace and Peace to you this blustery winter day.   

Rejected and Despised

photo credit to: some sweet soul on pinterest

Tonight I am struck by Isaiah 53. 

I know we are in the season of preparation, expectation and waiting for the King of Kings to come and rescue us - to come and give us hope.  Indeed, it is a sweet time of waiting.  Waiting for our Humble King...

But, I am struck again and again at what it cost Him. 

I am reading in my NLT and I am seeing that “He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief... We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way.  He was despised and we did not care.” (Isa. 53:3)  Yet it was our weaknesses He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down. (vs. 4)

It was me - it was my sin that weighed Him down.  It was because I was weak that He was rejected and despised.  I would have looked the other way - and He was suffering, not because of something He did, but because of the many things I would do that would keep me from God if He didn't take it upon Himself. 

Oh my heart is grieved at the thought of that!  Verse 5 says that “He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed.” 
He desires for me to be whole and healed.  Oh the thought of that... whole and healed.  Beautiful!

He was unjustly condemned.  Then, this sentence holds such beauty... “When He sees all that is accomplished by His anguish, He will be satisfied.”  This reminds me of, “and for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross...” (Heb. 12:2).  He is satisfied, even rejoices in the accomplishment of that anguish - of that rejection, of that grief!! 

That is so contrary to man!  I know myself.  I know that I do not enjoy being despised and rejected - no matter what it accomplishes!  In fact, over the last few years the Lord has shown me how greatly I am disrupted not to have the approval of man - in any area of my life.  I love to love - and I love to be loved.  I do not love to be rejected.  I do not love to be unjustly condemned.  These are things that I fight with everything I have against.  This would not be something that brought me joy - or satisfaction.  But, He knew.  He knows...  There was no other way.  I could never have been enough.  I couldn’t do it.  (Isaiah 64:6, “...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags...” and Romans 3:10, “There is no one righteous... No not one.” and Ro 3:20 which says that,  “no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands.  The law simply shows us how sinful we are.” 

Amen. 

I will never be righteous like the Pharisees.  I am just not that disciplined.  Seriously, I can't even "diet" very well.  I can’t follow all those rules.  It gets far too heavy.  I am not excusing my sin - merely pointing out the obvious.  I am sinful.  I need a Savior - both for salvation and for the daily walking out of my faith.  Desperately!  Sometimes I am still shocked at the depth of my own darkness.  Sometimes I am still so disappointed that I can not walk perfectly.  He is so worthy!  He is so very worthy!!!  But, Jesus knew I couldn’t - and you couldn’t either.  And, He counted it as joy - and declared his anguish as satisfactory because of what it accomplished.  I do not understand love like that.  I do not possess love like that apart from Christ.  Truly, He alone can stir our hearts to love in such a selfless way. 

“And because of His experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for He will bear all their sins.”  Because of His love.  Because He was willing to be rejected over and over and considered a rebel - I can know eternity with a perfect and Holy God.  That is stunning.  Simply stunning. 

He has captured my heart.  I am ravished in my heart for a love like that.  A love that is willing to endure so much pain and suffering - so that I could have peace.  Whew. 

What a Savior!  What a King!  “O Come let us adore Him.  O come let us adore Him. O come let us adore Him. Christ the Lord.”

Three little words...

I don't know.

More and more I am finding that I come to God saying "I don't know".  I actually am finding that there is freedom in that.  To know that I don't know - but He does.  To know that there are things I cannot make sense of - but, it doesn't matter.  God doesn't ask me to know or be able to explain the deep and hidden mysteries.  He asks me to love Him.  He asks me to love others.  He asks me to tell others that He loves them.  He asks me to obey Him.  He is surely far beyond my understanding.  And, I am okay with that. 

I haven't always been. 

I have said I understood things that I couldn't possibly have understood.  I have wounded those that were already wounded because I didn't understand, and yet, claimed that I did.  But, by His grace, and through His mercy, I have had the opportunity to see the ways I was hurting the Lord by hurting those who loved Him that I didn't understand or agree with. 

I have a dear friend... one whom I prayed with, one whom I loved deeply.  I did not fully understand her situation, nor did I fully understand what the Word had to say to her... and when she was wounded, I wounded her further by my lack of love.  I thought I was loving her - through rebuke.  I really did.  I thought that I would "straighten her out" with the Word.  How arrogant I was to think that I understood her situation or that I was telling her something she hadn't already searched out for herself.  We hadn't talked in many years.  Essentially, I told her she would have to forgo my friendship in order to walk in the path she was headed in.  And, I have only just realized this month how much I owed her an apology.  My heart ached at the ways I wounded her when all she really needed was someone to lean on.  Someone to tell her that God is enough.  God is able to heal and to help and to rescue. 

I had the privilege to find her this past week and tell her how sorry I was, and to ask her to forgive me.  And, she had the grace to forgive me.  That is the goodness of the God we serve.  I was wrong.  I asked for forgiveness and she extended it to me.  I love her - and I am thankful that God alone carried her through her trial.  She is stronger and even more full of grace than before. 

I want to be one who brings words of life and healing and hope to people who are broken... I don't want to bring death with my words.  I don't want pride to stand in the way anymore.  Though, I am confident that God wants us to speak the Truth in love, and to call sin - sin... I am going to pray more than I speak (hopefully) and use my words to build up rather than tear down. 

I am human.  I am so very flawed.  I sin every single day.  I am selfish.  I am prideful.  I am weak.  I am wounded - and I wound others.  And there is still so much that I don't know.  The beauty of salvation is not that I will never struggle with sin - or that I have become perfect - it is that I have the encouragement and the ability to never stop struggling against sin.  I want to wage war on the sin in my life - and encourage others to do the same.  I want to rest that the work has already been done for my salvation.  But, to live in such a way to speed the coming of the Eternal King (2 Peter). 

I heard it put this way, and I love it - so I will share it.  Both sheep and pigs end up in the mud.  But, there is a distinct difference to their response.  Sheep struggle and kick and fight to get out and pigs wallow and roll and fight to stay in.  The farmer can come to rescue both of them, and the sheep will be thankful for the help out - and have a real desire not to get back in... but the pigs return to the mud as quickly as they can - because they love to be covered in filth.  As believers, we are not lovers of sin that struggle with God.  We are lovers of God that still struggle with sin.  The really important question is not do you struggle with sin - it is do you struggle to love God?  The beauty of being a believer is the ability to admit when you mess up.  Not the inability to admit you mess up.  

These are just things I have been thinking of and there is much more... but for now, I will leave it at that.  Love God and struggle against sin.  And, I encourage you, when you have sinned against someone - tell them that is the case, and ask for their forgiveness.  No matter their response, you can walk forward knowing that your humility will be noted by the One that matters, and ultimately, you will have done more for the Kingdom that you could ever do while you are in pride.

Blessings to you on this beautiful day.

Before we even ask...

More and more lately I am in awe of God and His provision.

He knows what we need before we even ask.  He is not caught off guard by any of our circumstances.  He is not surprised by any event that happens in our lives.

He is not angry and ready and waiting to beat us down when we mess up.  He is, rather, sitting - ready and willing to show us how to live in abundance when by earthly standards, we would be labeled in poverty. 

I so prefer His abundance to the world's.  I mean it.

Last night I was talking with my oldest - Jake.  I was telling him how we couldn't travel for Thanksgiving because I need four new tires before we can go anywhere that far away.  I told him it wasn't in the budget at all this month, but I would get tires before Christmas.
He looked at me and said, "Are you sure we will have the money before then?"  I had to be honest.  I told him that I didn't know how we would have the money, but God knows everything we need before we even ask.  I also told him that God loves to bless us in only the way He knows how... and that if we are supposed to be traveling by car at Christmas God would provide what we need.  This morning, I walk out to find a beautiful fall display - and inside - a jar... full to the top with coins, and beside it "Aladdin" which just happens to be in my top 5 Disney movies of all time - and one that we don't already own!  What???

You cannot imagine how excited I was to go wake Jake up and tell him about it - actually, I let Jared... after we both sat with our mouths open for a while.  It hadn't even been 12 hours and we had the money for 2 (maybe 3) of the four tires - and fruit roll-ups and a GREAT movie.

We sorted the money tonight and all took turns (including Jude and Mia) praying a blessing over the someone/someones who put that gift together for us.  I pray that they can somehow know how God used their gift to drill into my kids hearts the very Faithfulness of the God we serve.  It was amazing to watch them grasp His love to our family through that gift. 

I was overwhelmed.  I am so thankful.  I do not doubt that God will provide for our every need.  Month to month it gets a little uncomfortable.  But, more than once my yellow gas light has come on, and I have not known how we were going to put gas in the car - and when I get to my office, there is a little envelope on the floor with money for the tank.  More than once, I have been uncertain by the middle of the month how we would make it to the end- and yet, every single day God proves Himself Faithful.  He knows what we need before we ask - and He knows EVERYTHING we need.  He knows every desire in our hearts.  He knows every thought before we think it.  We are fully known by Him, and we are fully loved.

This song came to mind this morning as I stood and stared at the sweet wooden word "FAITH" that was included in our basket of love...

How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure...

Praise His name - His holy name.  He is righteous and loving in all that He does. 

Seriously, a political post - from me?

Oh dear. 

I don't speak my views on FB or Twitter on politics very often, or at all.  I talk about Jesus, because I am deeply in love with Him.  I talk about God because He has always been Faithful to me.  He is good and everything He does is good.

I will not be sharing who I am voting for here.  So, if you are curious... well, you will just have to stay that way.  I will not be condemning you for how you vote either.  I will not stand before God for you, nor will you stand before God for me, so in those things, I say - you must vote your conscience.  If you have a clear conscience before God, then you should vote according to that - and I would caution - only according to the whole Word of God.

Here are the top three things I hear that I despise.  Truly, I despise these things when I hear them:

1.  "I am voting for the lesser of two evils."  What does God think about that?  Not that I know the mind of God - His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are far above my own.  But, I don't think that He distinguishes the lesser of two... I think He just calls all evil, evil. 

2.  I don't want to "throw my vote away", so I have to vote for one of the two main candidates.  When you stand before the Lord, you will not give answer for who was elected.  You will give answer for who you voted for.  Did you choose God's man - based on the things you can't see on the outside, or did you choose the one that looked so good on the outside, but who had already been rejected by God?  Surely, my vote will not get the man elected President - but  when it was time to appoint a King, after Saul had grieved the Lord and lost His annointing, God had Samuel go to the House of Jesse.  He said that the new King would come from that family.  When Samuel asked Jesse to bring out all of his sons, David was not among those standing there.  For all practical purposes, he was a "throw away vote".  Samuel went down the whole line of sons - and God spoke very clearly that the one He had chosen was not present.  So, Samuel asked Jesse - do you have any more sons?  Jesse then sent for David and we know the rest.  God does not get swayed by the media.  Nor, does He go with the popular vote.  David was smelly, tending sheep in the pasture.  Likely, he needed a good scrubbing - and he did not appear to be a strong King.  Yet, God set His endorsement on David, even calling him a man after God's own heart.  Whew.  I'll take THAT endorsement ANY day over the endorsement of the media, or any other man.

3.  "I am just not going to vote."  The one thing I will tell you is that we are responsible to do that which we can to contribute to the fate of our nation.  I have but one vote, but I do believe it is my moral responsibility to use that vote and to the best of my ability cast it for God's man.  Not the man that professes with his own mouth to be a Christian... who will ultimately lead millions to Hell.  Nor the man that cares not for the sanctity of human life.   But, for the man upon whom God has given His approval.

Search it out for yourself.  Do the research and come to a place that you can stand confident in your decision.  There are not only two candidates - no matter what the media says.  Don't complicate something that God has made simple.  God does not hold us responsible for the fate of our nation and the result of the election.  He only wants our faithfulness for that which we possess - our vote.  

I know this topic can be "heated" - however, this blog is not the place to bite or devour one another based on your beliefs and opinions.  Please do not tear down a person or a candidate here.  I will remove that type of post.  This is not for us to judge one another.  Simply be concerned with your responsibility and leave it to the One who can judge fairly for everybody else.  And that is all I have to say about that!! :)

Love y'all... 
   

they will know we are Christians by our love...

Some days you know just what to expect. 

You wake up, get ready for work, hurry everyone out the door (with their shoes on, hopefully), and head off to start your day - just like normal.

Some days, you are caught off guard.

You wake up, get ready for work, hurry everyone out the door (shoes are all on) and when you get to work you find something you hadn’t expected.  An envelope of blessing.  An envelope with your name on it, with something that meets a deep need inside. 

I can’t imagine my life without God.  Honestly, I know it was HIS Spirit that laid it on someone’s heart to drop that precious envelope in the mail slot at my work.  No way for me to repay - or even thank.  Just an envelope, filled with a blessing for my family.  God is amazing - and His people who allow themselves to be used as His hands and feet with no way to be known, well that just is summed up like this.  “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  John 13:34-35.

A disciple is one that follows after and models the behavior of their teacher.  That is my definition.  But, you get what I mean. 

Jesus always saw the need - the broken place, the thing that other people didn’t see from looking at the outside.  He saw their deepest point of need, and He met people right there.  Today, Jesus is not walking on the Earth.  But, when He went to Heaven, He sent “The Counselor”  the Holy Spirit to guide and lead us.  Now, every Believer has that Spirit inside.   Every believer has access to “insider” information.  When we walk in step with the Spirit, He whispers things to us ~ and if we listen we can be a blessing to other people.  That is what happened in my day - first thing today.  Someone was listening, and God spoke to them a deep need in our family.   How cool is that? 

It is sometimes really difficult to remember that He sees it all.  God knows every cry of our heart.  And, He always wants our good.  In fact, Psalm 119:68 says “He is good and everything He does is good.”  There is nothing bad in His character.  Nothing.  He is good.  The thing is, He sees the things we cannot.  He knows four days from now, four years from now, forty years from now.  He knows.  We can only see today and that which is behind us.  When we focus on our situation, it distorts everything, much like a fun-house mirror.   But, when we focus on who HE is - even in the middle of our situation, it brings a truer image.  That is when we can trust, because He is altogether trustworthy.  Perfect love casts out all fear.  If we could understand that He loves us perfectly, we would not be afraid - ever.  We would remember that He never sleeps, He never slumbers.  He never stops seeing our deepest need. 

This was the second time this week that someone in my life - another believer (actually 2) - reached out and blessed my family in an extremely tangible way.  They had no idea how desperate the need was.  They couldn’t have.  But, my God knew - He saw  - and He acted on our behalf. 

I desperately want to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit, so in tune that I could be used in a tangible way every day to meet someone right at their point of need.  It is within the realm of possibilities - because Nothing is impossible with God. 

Today, ask God to give you insight into someone’s life - ask Him to reveal ways that you can be a blessing to others.  You were created for a purpose.  We all have a purpose - but if we focus on ourselves we will lose our destiny.  We will miss out on the opportunity to fulfill that purpose.  Live with a purpose.  Make decisions to ask the One who sees everything what He has that is good for you - even if you feel like it doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Tell a stranger that they are beautiful.  Pay for the person’s coffee that is coming behind you in the line if you are able to.  You won’t regret it.  And, don’t forget to give the reason for the Hope that you have.  :)

If, by some slim chance my friends who have blessed my family just this week read this... I want you to know that I am praying a blessing over you - a hundred fold.  God has seen- and He has your reward, a reward far greater than I could repay.  I praise Him for your obedience.  I praise Him for you.  He is altogether good to me.

the war within...

Even as I read I can feel the presence of the Lord beside me.

He is always kind, and whispers Truth.  He does not shout or condemn.  He is tender and compassionate.  He grieves with me as I mourn the losses I have had in my life.  Yet, He rejoices with me that I have a greater destiny.  I have a hope in something truer than this which I am living in now.  I have a desire for the living waters - and in this He tells me I will be satisfied. 

But, there is an ache.  It is an ache inside because of the depravity that lives within my mortal body.  The depravity that seeks my own comfort and temporary love more than it seeks the will of the One who created me.  Great sadness fills my heart as I realize that I do not fully seek redemption for those who have wounded me.  I am wounded - and there is a piece of me that still shouts “Retreat!”  “Pull Back”  “Do not fully invest yourself or your love - it is not worth it.”  "Let God exact His justice!  The justice that this situation demands."At the same time, I realize the naivete’ of that. 

To say that this life isn’t about my life is one thing, but to walk it out as so... Well, that is entirely another. 

So. Much. Loss. 

My heart is grieved to not know the delight of walking with my mother as an adult - she who brought me forth from the womb.  Never has a mother been more loving or kind.  Never has a another encouraged and believed in me like my mom.  Why, my Jesus did I have such few years with her?  Oh, how I long for her hug.  Her arms - strong and so tender at the same time.  Her eyes compassionate and full of hope.  Her smile that brought forth joy from the deepest pits of despair.  Her counsel - so full of wisdom and understanding.  What joy to be cut from that cloth.  What a gift to have been so deeply loved by her.  And what pain is in the loss of such a dear friend.

So. Much. Pain.

And, yet, I am able to say that even now, there is an abundance that marks my life that is staggering.  To see the Lord walking beside me in a manner that is undeniably Him.  To watch the movements around my life that are orchestrated by the One who called me - who chose me - who pulls me constantly out of the darkness and into the light.  It makes my heart reel with desire for the life that awaits us still. 

The truth is I want so badly to be known on the earth.  To be known by those who spend time with me.  But, that is not a harmless desire.  I am already fully known.  To desire from man, that which God has already established by Himself within me, is idolatry.  He would whisper to me, “Why is it not enough that I know you fully?”  “Why is there something more you desire than the fellowship of my Spirit?”  “Who can fill you, heal you, help you like I can?”  And my reply is that I am at war with myself.  This earth is passing away.  The time of His coming is nearer now than ever before.  He is coming for us.  He is jealous for us, and we are distracted by the lures of this world... The desires of flesh on the earth - and how do they compare?  They don’t compare.  The answers are these:   there is nothing more precious than the fellowship of the Spirit and there is no one who can fill, heal and help me as He can.  The Truth is that I have all that I need.  The Truth is that He has so much more to reveal, to share, to bestow - if only I will crucify the flesh and its desires for that which is lesser.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme indeed...  I am intoxicated by the beauty of the Lord.  And, yet, I am sobered by the reality of how far my heart still is from that which He desires for me.  Redemption - not a reckoning.  Truth in love - not delighting in the stumbling’s of the one who has wounded me repeatedly.  It is so hard to make your heart compliant - when it is still bleeding.    It is so difficult to allow love to come through when hate is standing at the door banging - really almost demanding to come in.  It is so wondrous that God can do that (allow love to heal that which hate demands to destroy) if only we are willing for Him to do that which He desires with our lives.  Truly, nothing is impossible for Him. 

Today, I am asking for Him to do that which He desires in my life - with my life - no matter what that means.  I am begging Him to see, to hear, to act - and this I know with all my heart.  He has seen.  He has heard.  And, He is moving.  His timing is beyond my understanding.  But, He will not stop until His will is on earth as it is in Heaven. 

That is what I am asking. 

Fully God. 

Not His mercy.... Not His wrath... Just the fullness of Him.  Right now.  Whatever that looks like.  I am praying and believing that He will sustain me.  He will uphold me with His righteous right hand.  I am hiding in the shelter of His magnificent wings.  It is here I will rest - though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death - even still, He will prepare a place for me- in the presence of mine enemies that I can be comforted by His rod and His staff.  What a Shepherd!  What a King! 

May the grace of God go before you today to prepare a quiet place of rest for your weary heart.  May the peace of God give you comfort in a time of great distress.  May the joy of God become your strength today.  He who has called you is able to do that which He purposed for you from the very beginning of time.  Trust Him.  He is trustworthy and true.  Forever and ever - He will be Faithful.

Steadfast Love

For the last month and a half the Lord has revived a song in my heart that I didn’t even remember was tucked away in there.  It had been 19 years or more since I heard it.  But, now that He has brought it back to my mind - it offers me life all day long.  The words are these:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning, new every morning,
Great is Thy faithfulness, oh Lord.
Great is Thy faithfulness.

Indescribable, how those words bring such Truth and Life to my weary soul.  I remember again for the millionth time this week just typing them, that His love towards me never stops.  He is so faithful.  He is so merciful.

This week was filled with too many activities.  Too much stuff that takes my eyes off the main thing.  But, through it all, He was right there.  He was reminding me these three things over and over:

 He sees me.  (Nothing is hidden from His sight)
 He knows me.  (I am fully known)
 He loves me.  (steadfastly, wholly, completely loved.)

He is the God who sees.  El Roi.  (See Heb. 4:13 & Jeremiah 23:24)  Nothing in all creation is hidden from His sight.

He is the God who fully knows me, because He created me in the secret place.  (Psalm 139:15) and He knows every move I will make before I make it. ( Psalm 139:5 &  119:168)

His love is unfailing.  (Psalm 13:5, 32:10, 33:18, 36:7)  There are too many to list!!! 

I don’t know what you are going through right now.  But, I know the One who does.  I cannot imagine the depth of the ache in your heart.  But God knows and sees all of your tears - all of the pain hidden in the darkness of your heart -  and He records your tears - Psalm 56:8.  He does not delight in your grieving.  He mourns with those who mourn. 

How deep the Father’s love for us.  How vast beyond all measure.  That He would give His only Son to make this wretch His treasure.  (another fabulous reminder through song).

Friend, I promise you His Word is true.  He is Almighty God, Faithful and True.  Loving and merciful beyond all we can imagine. 

Three times this week - when I have needed it most - He has whispered to me “I see you.  I know you.  I delight in you.”

Many times this week, He has placed a song in my heart.  A song of thankfulness.  A song of adoration. 

He is worthy.  He is worthy of all my tears.  He is worthy of all my pain.  He is worthy - and I am begging that He would receive honor and glory and praise in increasing measure in my life.  Whatever it looks like, I trust Him.  I trust in His unfailing love.  My heart rejoices in His salvation. 

There is no one like my God.  No one.   

If you need someone to depend on, someone who will always know your heart - and love you - I would love to tell you more about Jesus.  I would love to share with you His faithfulness in my life.  Lean into Him.  He can handle anything you have going on.  He is not taken by surprise by anything you are facing.  Your circumstance - no matter how big it looms over you - does not determine His ability to carry you through it.  He is able.  He is stronger.  He loves you and wants to show His love to you. 

Blessings on your week this week.  May His face shine upon you. 

(Un)Faithful

One thing that God will not allow me to forget over the past few weeks is this:

His faithfulness to me does not depend on my faithfulness to Him.  (2 Timothy 2:13)
His love towards me is not dependent on anything I do. (Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:10)
His approval of me is established forever by the blood of His Son. (Eph 2:13; Hebrews 9:15)

Therefore, there is nothing more I have to do ever - to gain His approval or love or affections.  Ever.  Can you believe that?  I mean it, really, can you let that sink in for a minute?  Nothing you do - or don't do *after you have accepted Jesus as the sacrifice for your sins* changes God's mind about who you are! 

Your righteous acts are as filthy rags.
Every gift is from Him.

You become nothing - and gain everything. 

I love the paradigm shift.  I love how opposed to this world that is. 
I have to "do more" becomes,  "He did it all for me already".
I have to "be more" becomes, "Be still and know that I am God".
"Look out for number one" becomes "Fix your eyes on Jesus".

It is terribly difficult to look at things you cannot see.  To find treasures in darkness (Isaiah 45:3).  To unlock the mysteries of the Word.  But, by the Holy Spirit we are able to do such things.  God shares His secrets under the right circumstances. (1 Cor. 4:1; Psalms 25:14 (NIV) ) 

There is true freedom when you realize that you cannot change God's mind about you.  When you allow Him to change your heart - He gives you a new one - and forever and ever you belong.  You are His.  You cannot be taken away.  You cannot lose His love.  Precious peace beyond all understanding is yours for the taking - knowing that you are finally enough.  Your life matters because it matters to God. 

I cannot express what it would do for your whole outlook on life if you could really understand how the Creator of the Universe loves you.  If you could just for one minute embrace it.  Don't take my word for it - take His!!  Pick up the Book right now and search out how much He loves you.  Go to Biblegateway.org and type in unfailing love....  just see what He says about His love for you.  I am overwhelmed again at His plan.  It is so contrary to man's.  But, it is so beautiful. 

I am so in love with Him.

A new heart...

While driving down the road, at the beginning of a very hectic, but very joyful week I had one of life's most wonderful opportunities.

Jude and Mia were in the back of the car, and Maddy and I were up front.  We were talking about God.  We were talking about sin.  We were talking about our need for Jesus - and Heaven, where He lives (and Grandma Cindy too).

Jude told me again (because he really does tell me this all the time...) that God is the only one who always does what is right and doesn't lie.  I love to hear him say that.  It is True.  It is a good truth to know.  Even when you are 4.  Then He started telling me how Jesus came to earth, died on the cross and rose again on the third day.

I love this kid.  I love our church.  I love the he seems to have loved God from the moment he was born.  He is always telling me wonderful things about Jesus and God.  He also loves for me to sing "I Love You Lord" at bed time.  When he gets afraid in the night, he sings it all by himself.  And, according to him, it works. :)  Of course it does.  Any time we put our eyes on something other than God, it can get scary.  Just ask the 4 year old in the dark.  But, when we remind ourselves that God is always with us - we are never out of His sight, things seem to be a little more manageable.

Anyway, it was a great chat.  I told Maddy that I had started this conversation with him last week, but we were interrupted, and alas, we had to resume at another moment.  Here we were, stuck in the car for several hours, so I figured we should make the most of it.  Surely we did.

I asked Jude if he understood why we needed Jesus.  He did.
I asked Jude if he understood why God sent Jesus.  He did.
Then, he told me how Jesus died on the cross - but He rose again on the third day.  I loved that part.  To watch him tell me the gospel.  Jesus died mom, but it didn't end there....  now that was my favorite!  At that point, I asked him if he would like to go to heaven one day.  He said he wanted to go later that day (after we established that there are things cooler than toys that we have here).  I told him I wasn't aiming at letting him go quite that soon!  But, it was so sweet.

We did say a prayer out loud, but I am fairly certain in my heart that the transaction had already taken place in his little heart well before the words came out.  I told him that because he believed in Jesus, and because he understood that he HAD to have Jesus to go to Heaven with God, that God had given him a new heart.

He smiled really big.
Then we prayed and thanked God for giving him a new heart, and for sending Jesus because He loves us so much.

I smiled so big.     

I told him that his heart was new because God says that when we believe in Jesus, we get a new heart, and in fact, the Holy Spirit comes to help us make good choices.  We talked about how the temptations would still be there to do naughty things, but that now we had someone with us all the time to help us make right choices.  There were many other things we talked about, but it was my favorite to hear him tell people the rest of the day that God had given him a new heart.  Yes, little man, God gave you a new heart indeed.  The process has begun.  There are sure to be many times that I have to remind myself that God sees and knows his little heart much better than I do at all times, but how sweet that already his heart is for God.
It is always nice to me to hear myself telling people the Gospel, because I needed the reminder too.  Temptations will always be there, but we have a Helper.  God sees my new heart - always.  He doesn't even remember my old heart.  He loves that boy and his new heart... and he is just as crazy about this girl and her new heart.

What a great day to remember the grace and mercy of God.  What a great day for a new heart!

super short (but important) update to laundry posts!!!

this is not my pic, I took it from google  :)

I have decided to switch to Fels Naptha bar soap instead of the lever 2000.  It is actually a laundry soap, so it is friendlier to your washing machine... and has a better fragrance because it is designed for laundry.

I still believe it saves a boat load of money in the long run.  It isn't an expensive soap.

Just wanted to share the knowledge.  Thanks A.J. for the head's up on that!  :)

Streams of Living Water

My heart is so full.

My soul is completely satisfied.  As with the richest of foods.

My heart rejoices in Your salvation, my God. 

In Your presence there is fullness of joy. 

My heart is saying again and again, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.” Psalm 28:7

Today, I can rejoice, with a soft heart, a refreshed and renewed spirit within me.  Because of His great love for me, I am not consumed.  God worked through no less than 6 families to bring me safely to Kansas City.  I had no way to get here on my own, but I knew with all of my heart that I had to come to the prayer room.  As always, He has spoken His Word and His truth over my heart, confirming that which He had already placed in my heart, but renewing my spirit within me.  Giving me peace that passes any understanding.  Bestowing upon me grace upon grace to stand and say that I am His.  I will walk whatever way He desires, no matter what the cost because He is so worthy! 

He is worthy.  Oh, beloved, I beg you to press into Him.  Come to know this man Jesus who loved you to the point of death.  He gave it all up because He is crazy about you.  He came down from Heaven - the most glorious place - because we needed Him.  You must come to know Him.  Don’t settle for hearing about Him.  Don’t settle for thinking you know Him on Sundays.  Press in to really know Him - read His Word of Life, the Bible.  Give Him your time and your affections.  He will not mishandle them.  He is faithful.  He is good.  He is able to be trusted.  He is deserving of all praise!  Psalm 54:4, “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the One who sustains me.”

I am so thankful for my friends who helped me come here and be refreshed.  I thank you for your prayers, for your gifts of gas money, the beautiful place to stay, the prayer covering as I have been here, and your gift of a vehicle with exceptional gas mileage!!  May God bless you with blessings upon blessings for being the very heart of Christ towards me during this time of great need!  Truly, I say to you my heart can now say, “You gave abundant showers, O God; you refreshed your weary inheritance.” Psalm 68:9.
 
I am stunned each day I am here as He has made it so personal to me during this time of worship and rest.  My mom told me many years ago that my life verse is Psalm 63:8 , “My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me.”  It is set in the midst of one of my very favorite Psalms.  Yesterday and today in the morning the “worship in the Word” was through Psalm 63.  I am telling you He is reminding me that I am His beloved.  I am His favorite.  :)  And, Beloved friends, you are too.  Oh how I wish I could make that a reality in your mind.  He is crazy about you.  He delights in you.  He still thinks you were worth the cross!! 

He is revealing to me over and over that He is jealous for me and He wants to destroy everything in my heart that hinders love.  He will go to any lengths to make me fully His and He will do the same for you. 

I will leave you with these things that are foremost in my mind and some beautiful words of Truth:

To everyone who will hear,  Jesus says this, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” 

I have been so thirsty, that I forgot the streams of living water were already flowing from within me.  But, He has been gracious and reminded me that He has been with me, and helping me all along.  What a sweet God.  What a merciful Savior.

Psalm 57:1-3 “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.  I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.  He sends from Heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends His love and His faithfulness.”

Psalm 59:16-17, “But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.  O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.”

Psalm 63:3 “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you, and I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.”

Psalm 86:8-10 “Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.  All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name.  For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.”

Indeed, there is but One God, and indeed there is but One who saves.  And, He stands ready to rescue you from all of your troubles, if you should only declare in your heart and with your mouth that you need Him.  He will hear you, and He will receive you, and He will help you.

When what you thought you knew as right... is wrong.

What do you do when you look around, and everything you thought you knew was really not quite right?

I guess you can deny it for a while. 

You can decide to hold fast and hold tight hoping not to let it slip through your hands- claiming infallibility (which is certainly a farce).

Or you can open wide your hands and let loose your grip on the things that you thought... And ask God to reveal to you Truth.  It is interesting how far He will go to remind us He loves us and He sees us.  I am constantly reminded and surprised at the lengths He will go to remind me who He is.  Thing is, He has always been doing that.  I just chose not to see for a while.  Many years ago I was offended often at the things He allowed into my life.  I didn’t blame Him necessarily, I just chose to believe He was holding out on me because of my sin and my choices.  I believed that I was getting what I deserved.  But, that is just it...   He doesn’t want for any of us to get what we deserve.  He calls it mercy - and He desires that we follow after Him in that. 

“I desire mercy, not sacrifice...”  And again  “Walk humbly, do justly, love mercy...” 

He loves to love us well.  He loves to go to crazy lengths to remind us that we are His, and that He wants to give us good things.  So often we just have to take a different view of things.  We just have to have eyes that are willing to see His goodness - even through the brokenness that surrounds us.  The sin.  The pain.  The death.  The circumstances that seem overwhelming and insurmountable.  I want eyes to see it for what it is.  I want eyes to see that there is HOPE.  There is BEAUTY.  There is ETERNITY - where there will be PERFECTION.  No more sin.  No more death.  No more pain.  No more overwhelming circumstances (except that we will be overwhelmed by the Glory of God). 

Whew. 
I needed that reminder today. 

I needed the reminder that all of my brokenness will one day be HEALED - and healed COMPLETELY. 

I needed the reminder again that this life is not all there is.  There is much more.  There is life abundant.

To love is so complicated some times.  I love to love.  But, sometimes you have to set boundaries so that love remains loving - and not enabling.  Sometimes you have to love in Truth and know it’s gonna hurt.  Sometimes you have to lean into the character of God when you know your character isn’t strong enough to do it right.  Sometimes you have to say enough is enough - knowing that it will bring more glory to God to speak Truth in love than it will to turn silently and walk away.

I am confident that I’m not gonna get this right the first time.  I am praying for grace and mercy.  I am praying that God will hem me in before and behind and that I will listen and do His will.  But, alas, I am still in this fleshy flesh.  I am still in a sinners body full of selfishness and pride.  And, I am confident I will screw it up.  But, that is why I need Him so desperately.  He will mend the things I break - because my heart is for Him - and my desire is to not bring pain, but bring healing through my new loving actions.  It is kind of like when Jesus says He is giving a new command... To love.  He is teaching me a new command in love.  And, it is shaking me up.  I am begging for wisdom - and I know He will give it to me because He promises to do so - without judging me for it. 

Oh I am crazy about this God I serve.  I am crazy in love with Him... And so very thankful that He is rich in love and full of mercy.  I cannot throw anything at Him that He can’t handle.  That brings me to a place of rest and peace in my Spirit that I cannot explain.   It is a sweet sweet place indeed.  I hope in the midst of your chaotic day or week, or summer you have a sweet place of rest.  I pray that you will take the time to enter into a restful few minutes with Him and recognize that no matter what is flying all around you - He is for you, and He sees you, and He loves you. 

Thanks for stopping by.  May Grace go before you today.   

A storm and a great big lesson...

photo credit to National Geographic, I did not take this one.  :)

I love the story of Job. 

I love how right from the beginning we know so much more than he did - and we watch, in horror and dismay as the events unfold. 

It is not a tidy story.  It is not "fair".  But, it offers so much hope, and advice and perspective on life, godliness, and the absolute Awesomeness of God.

So many things strike me as I read that story.  So. many.

Chapter 1, verse 1 tells us that "he was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil."  Verse 3 lets us know that he was the greatest man among all the people of the East.
Job was a man, a righteous man.

He was not wicked.  He prayed for his children.  He offered sacrifices for them, just in case they had committed an offense against God. 

He feared God and shunned evil. 

I would imagine there were many who watched him and misunderstood him.  They thought of him as self-righteous, and "holier than thou."  They probably talked about him - convicted by their own sin - but casting names on him as insults because they didn't like how he seemed to have special favor with God.    They were almost excited to watch him "fall".  
They did not shun evil. 

They were comfortable in their places of sin - and it made them less uncomfortable to imagine that he considered himself blameless because he loved righteousness.  Surely he was blameless only in his own eyes.

 

I think in all of it, my favorite part is where God speaks in the storm.  First of all, the imagery is just beautiful.  Literally, chapter 38, verse 1 says that God spoke from the storm.  Can you imagine what that was like?  We just had a thunderstorm - a ton of rain fell from the sky.  Lightening flashed and thunder bellowed.  But, I did not hear the audible voice of God. 

Thing is, I don't think Job really thought he was perfect.  But, I love that God allows us to see that he was a man, and he struggled with the approval of man, and the pride that causes us to want everyone to know us and our hearts the way that God does.  Job spoke what was right about God - even in the midst of some pretty awful circumstances and accusations.  (Job 42:8)

But, Job was a man, and Job didn't handle everything perfectly.  He had a pity party.  (I am surely not saying he didn't have grounds for one, more than any human, but yet, it was still not the best idea).  He got trapped in the need for the approval of man, and to be seen for who he really was.  It is a slippery slope, indeed.  He contended that he was right - not that it made God wrong, just that somehow - he and God were both right, and he was blameless.

We have the whole Bible.  We knew from the very first chapter that he had not done anything "wrong" in the eyes of the Lord.  He was being sifted as wheat because Satan had appeared before God - and God allowed it.  God even suggested Job.  God knew Job, and He knew that Job would remain faithful in the midst of the worst suffering and loss. 

I can't imagine being Job.  Losing everything.  Being alone, really alone.  Suffering even in his flesh.  And then, to make matters just that much worse, his "friends" come to console him - and instead - they accuse him, and say things that aren't true.  They twist it all up so that it seems that because God is right (which He always is), then that must imply that Job deserved what was happening to him.   Job was angry.  Job wanted the right to defend himself - to the people that ought to know better.  They ought to have known him better.  But, they had evil in their hearts - and they wanted him to be less righteous - because that made them more comfortable.  

The first thing I think of (and this must be so small in comparison) is the time that I heard a Lion roar - and I mean really let loose - at the zoo.  Fear seized my heart.   We were a hundred yards from him, and separated by a great hole in the earth.  But, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  

(image from truefresco.org)

 

I thought we were going to die.

It was stunning.  It was awe-inspiring.  And it was nothing in comparison to the voice of God.

My second favorite part is where God finishes speaking and Job essentially says, "oh, my bad".  He really means it.  He sees very clearly his sin in defending himself, rather than God- his demanding his own glory, rather than God's.  But, then something profound happens.  God rebukes the "friends".  In fact, He commends Job before them, and then says that He will accept Job's prayer on their (arrogant, foolish) behalf.  He surely proves before them that Job had His favor and blessing all along.  It makes me want to stick my tongue out at the friends and sing "nanny, nanny boo-boo" (and that reveals my folly in the sight of a Holy God.) 

I love Job.  I love the Holy Spirit for moving in the heart of man to write it in the Bible.  I love the God of the universe that created Dragons (ch.41:1-34  esp. 18-19) and horses and storks and lightening. (ch. 38-41)

Today, I am more in love with God who has revealed so many things to us through His Word.  I am surely more amazed by Him today than I was yesterday.  I long to know more of His character.  I long to understand more deeply that He is God and there is no one like Him.  

Ramblings of an aching heart...

On Easter Sunday I met a girl that is sure to change my life.  God specifically drew my attention to her.  All of a sudden, I wanted to know everything about her.  I wanted to know why she needed help walking, and what had caused her beautiful head to be bald.  The moment the service was over, I went to meet her.  From the start He had my attention. 
It was Easter. 
We were singing about the joy and hope that we have because Jesus is risen. 
She was so young.  I wondered as we sang how much differently she understood the message and the words of the songs?  When you are told you have cancer, I would imagine that there is a fair amount of wrestling to be done.  I imagine there is an aspect of God’s character to be revealed that doesn’t seem very tidy, or understandable, or even safe.  I imagine that in order to sing the kinds of songs you sing on Easter, you would have to work it out a little bit.  The rubber meets the road. 
As I reached my hand out and squatted beside her, I told her my name, and she told me hers. 
Cynthia.
I tried not to show how desperately I was caught off guard.  That was my mom’s name.  This was no blaze‘ meeting for sure.  God had my full attention. 
We chatted for a while, and then, I knew her family needed to be headed off, but I have been struck by Cynthia ever since.  I have prayed for her often, not knowing much about her actual type of cancer - or the depth of things she has endured as an almost 12 year old girl.

Tonight, I did some research.  I found her caring bridge page.  I read about her diagnosis.  I quickly "googled" to find out all the things I didn’t understand.  Epithelioid Sarcoma.   Pirogoff’s Amputation.   Just the sound of those things is overwhelming.  And what I read after that, well, I will be honest...  I had a mixture of feelings and tears streaming down my cheeks. 

She and Maddy are the same age.  They have birthdays just two weeks apart.  I thought how if I were her mom, I would give anything to trade places with her.  
I wondered what it would be like to have her perspective on life and death right now. 
I wondered what things would change in my life if I had a diagnosis like that.  I wondered how her parents were enduring - if they were having a hard time loving “all-in” when they know the statistics of her disease.  I prayed that they wouldn’t pull away from her from pain and fear - although, wouldn’t you have to wrestle with that?  I can’t imagine what it would be like to love all of my kids well if we were faced with news like that.  I could see myself wrestling - KNOWING that none of us have the guarantee of tomorrow, but also knowing that time seems to be stacked against her with the illness.
I don’t know.  I guess with my mom, I just loved her - without fear.  I was pretty well “all in” all the time because, at 17, I didn’t have the reality grasped in my mind that one day I would wake up and she would leave the earth without “warning”.  I was young, and I heard the words, and I read the sheets, but something inside me just didn’t believe that she wouldn’t get well.  And, for the most part - she and I had each other.  Sis was at college - and we did life, day by day - just the two of us.   But, I think that helped me to love her in a way I couldn’t have if I had known her exact time.  I think it helped me to hold her tightly and love her without fear - right up til the end. 

As I was still pondering my new friend Cynthia's diagnosis- and all the details I could scrounge up, I saw that another friend of mine had posted that her mom was in the hospital.  I dug a little deeper and after I read her last few weeks of Facebook updates, my heart sunk. 
4 brain tumors. 
Lung cancer.
Just going to make her comfortable. 

More words filled my mind that are weightier than the paper can hold.  Comfortable?  Something never sits right with me about that word in the midst of the others.  It isn’t a comfortable process.  It is painful.  Medicine can dull the pain, but it is not comfortable.  It isn’t comfortable for the family either.  It isn’t comfortable to watch your mom (or loved one) in pain.  It isn’t comfortable to watch the medicines take their toll on her mind and her abilities.  It isn’t comfortable to know that you can’t do anything about it.  It is a lot of things, but it is not comfortable.

This friend of mine, whose mom is in the hospital is actually the older sister of my best childhood friend.  I spent many nights at their house.  I had my first s’more in their living room.  I had my first GIANT waffle cone at Sesame Place with their family.  I watched “Thriller” at their house and was scared to pieces!  I almost crashed their computer and my sweet friend got so angry with me.  I thought she would never forgive me for pushing a button while the hourglass was still on the screen.  She did forgive me, though. 

I got to share the Gospel of John with my friend, and watch her become interested, at least for a time, with God and His Son.  And then, they moved away - and we lost touch, and, well... It is so blurry now.  I don’t really remember all the details.  They just moved and it seemed like forever far away, and we lost touch.   Now my heart is aching that I don’t know them better.  That I hadn’t kept up with their family more.  That I hadn’t had more of an eternal impact in their lives. 
I know they appreciate nice thoughts and positive feelings, and sweet sentiments from friends.  But, those things will not offer the kind of comfort they need right now.  There is One who is the Comforter.  There is One who can hold them in peace in this time of grief.  The very One that knit them together in their mother’s womb... And I am afraid they don’t know.  I am afraid their mom doesn’t know the Comforter.   I am praying that God will be near to them - and that He will reveal Himself through this time of intense pain.  It hurts so badly to watch your mom battle cancer.  Indescribable.  Painful.  I cannot imagine having to walk that road without Jesus.  I just cannot.  He carried me through on the truths that He will never leave me or forsake me.  He knows me, and He desperately loves me - with all of my sin, and with all of my flaws.  He is always there.  He is always good.  He will never leave.  And there is something more to come...

Tonight, I am so thankful for the book of John.  I am so thankful for the Way, the Truth and the Life.  And I am desperately praying that she will know Him if she doesn’t already before her days are complete on the earth.  I am praying for my sweet childhood friends to hear and receive Truth and comfort - and find true peace that passes all understanding.  I am praying for my friend Cynthia to press in deeply to the Lord and find shelter in the shadow of His wings.  I am praying that He will hold her near - and that rather than grow in fear, she will grow eager for the day that she will be wrapped up in the arms of the One who calls her Beloved - regardless of how and when He chooses to heal her.  She may have many more years on the earth, but I pray that she will live each one as if it could be her last - making the most of every day she has, and teaching others to do the same.

And, I want to learn from her.  I know that she has many things that she could teach me.  

I am not walking in their shoes.  Please don’t read anything I have said as judgement - or as if I believe I can imagine what it is like to be one minute in their shoes.  I absolutely can not.  One thing I learned when I lost my mom is that everyone’s story is uniquely theirs.  Everyone’s pain belongs to them alone.  No matter what you have been through, you cannot begin to imagine the depth of someone else’s pain.  All you can do is cry with them, and offer them your shoulder and your arms, and your silence.  So, please don’t mis-read anything I have said.   I have simply thought aloud tonight because my heart is just aching.  It makes me desperate to be in the arms of Jesus and away from this world that is filled with pain and sorrow and hurt and frailty. 

My simple prayer tonight...
Oh Jesus, be near to my friends.  Be so very near.  You are the God of miracles and hope and peace.  Show yourself mighty in these lives I am begging you, my God and my King.  In the most powerful name of Jesus I ask these things,
your Beloved Daughter.

I met another new friend.  Not at church, or in the store... but over email and the blogosphere.  She shared her story with me, and I wanted you to hear it too.  
So, here it goes - straight from her heart:


My Village, by Heather Von St. James


If you’ve ever had children, you’ve probably heard the wise saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” The birth of my daughter taught me its meaning. Lily was born on August 4th, 2005. The pregnancy went smoothly. At first, our excited families and friends surrounded my husband and me. Looking back, there was no way to prepare for the heartbreak ahead.

After returning to work, I started experiencing odd symptoms. Only a month after resuming full time hours, I felt constantly tired. I dismissed it at first, assuming it was related to being a new mother, but the lack of energy persisted. I even felt short of breath. I finally consulted my doctor. On November 21, 2005, after many medical tests, I got the answer. Lily had only been with us for 3 ½ months when I had to face a diagnosis of malignant pleural mesothelioma. This cancer that attacks the lining of the lungs is almost always caused by asbestos exposure. Unknown to me, I had been exposed to it around 30 years ago when I was a child.

My first concerns were for my little girl, my husband, and of how they would manage without me. My prognosis was grave. I was given about 15 months to live without treatment. I decided to do everything in my power to survive, no matter what. With such a dire prediction, I had nothing to lose. I chose to take on the most extreme treatment for mesothelioma. On February 2nd, my husband and I flew to Boston, and I underwent extrapleural pneumenectomy. The surgery removed my left lung. I recovered for 18 days in the hospital. Following this, I spend two months in recovery before starting chemotherapy and eventually radiation—all as a first time mom.

This experience gave me new understanding of the old adage about villages. Without the love, prayers and daily support from those around us, I don’t see how we could have managed.  Help came from people in many different parts of our lives. Some of it was unexpected. People we never knew cared gave full support. People we assumed we could rely on sometimes disappeared. Cancer has a way of revealing who really cares about you and who doesn’t.

While we were in Boston, my parents raised Lily. Fortunately, they had their own village of people who helped. Girls who I once babysat offered to watch Lily while my parents worked at their full time jobs. People from the church engulfed them with generosity and genuine love. In the meantime, my husband and I met new friends in Boston. We shared our struggles with incredible people who were going through the same ordeal. It helped get us through each day.

In my hometown of South Dakota, Lily was learning to roll and scoot across the floor. She started to eat solid food. I experienced these joys through the grainy pictures my mother emailed. My husband printed them for me, and I shared them tearfully with the nurses who fawned over Lily just as I did.  She was the reason I was there, fighting for my life. Throughout my battle, my daughter was in the very best hands. My parents formed a bond with Lily that time and distance can never diminish.

Now, we have a family policy of embracing life and treating it as a fragile, precious thing. Life isn’t always easy, but we give it 100 percent no matter what it throws our way. My favorite quote is “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.” I believe this. Cancer brings both bad and good things. As horrible as the experience was, I am grateful for the good that came from it.

                                     ~ Heather Von St. James

 I am thankful that Heather shared her story with me, and if you want to read more of what she has to say, you can follow the link here to find her on her blog:  http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather    

Thank you, Heather for the much needed reminder that life is fragile.  It is precious, every single moment we have.  It is not something to be mis-handled.  Every minute is a gift from God to be used, not to serve ourselves, but to love others well.

Ramblings from an aching heart...

On Easter Sunday I met a girl that is sure to change my life.  God specifically drew my attention to her.  All of a sudden, I wanted to know everything about her.  I wanted to know why she needed help walking, and what had caused her beautiful head to be bald.  The moment the service was over, I went to meet her.  From the start He had my attention. 
It was Easter. 
We were singing about the joy and hope that we have because Jesus is risen. 
She was so young.  I wondered as we sang how much differently she understood the message and the words of the songs?  When you are told you have cancer, I would imagine that there is a fair amount of wrestling to be done.  I imagine there is an aspect of God’s character to be revealed that doesn’t seem very tidy, or understandable, or even safe.  I imagine that in order to sing the kinds of songs you sing on Easter, you would have to work it out a little bit.  The rubber meets the road. 
As I reached my hand out and squatted beside her, I told her my name, and she told me hers. 
Cynthia.
I tried not to show how desperately I was caught off guard.  That was my mom’s name.  This was no blaze‘ meeting for sure.  God had my full attention. 
We chatted for a while, and then, I knew her family needed to be headed off, but I have been struck by Cynthia ever since.  I have prayed for her often, not knowing much about her actual type of cancer - or the depth of things she has endured as an almost 12 year old girl.

Tonight, I did some research.  I found her caring bridge page.  I read about her diagnosis.  I quickly "googled" to find out all the things I didn’t understand.  Epithelioid Sarcoma.   Pirogoff’s Amputation.   Just the sound of those things is overwhelming.  And what I read after that, well, I will be honest...  I had a mixture of feelings and tears streaming down my cheeks. 

She and Maddy are the same age.  They have birthdays just two weeks apart.  I thought how if I were her mom, I would give anything to trade places with her.  
I wondered what it would be like to have her perspective on life and death right now. 
I wondered what things would change in my life if I had a diagnosis like that.  I wondered how her parents were enduring - if they were having a hard time loving “all-in” when they know the statistics of her disease.  I prayed that they wouldn’t pull away from her from pain and fear - although, wouldn’t you have to wrestle with that?  I can’t imagine what it would be like to love all of my kids well if we were faced with news like that.  I could see myself wrestling - KNOWING that none of us have the guarantee of tomorrow, but also knowing that time seems to be stacked against her with the illness.
I don’t know.  I guess with my mom, I just loved her - without fear.  I was pretty well “all in” all the time because, at 17, I didn’t have the reality grasped in my mind that one day I would wake up and she would leave the earth without “warning”.  I was young, and I heard the words, and I read the sheets, but something inside me just didn’t believe that she wouldn’t get well.  And, for the most part - she and I had each other.  Sis was at college - and we did life, day by day - just the two of us.   But, I think that helped me to love her in a way I couldn’t have if I had known her exact time.  I think it helped me to hold her tightly and love her without fear - right up til the end. 

As I was still pondering my new friend Cynthia's diagnosis- and all the details I could scrounge up, I saw that another friend of mine had posted that her mom was in the hospital.  I dug a little deeper and after I read her last few weeks of Facebook updates, my heart sunk. 
4 brain tumors. 
Lung cancer. 
Just going to make her comfortable. 

More words filled my mind that are weightier than the paper can hold.  Comfortable?  Something never sits right with me about that word in the midst of the others.  It isn’t a comfortable process.  It is painful.  Medicine can dull the pain, but it is not comfortable.  It isn’t comfortable for the family either.  It isn’t comfortable to watch your mom (or loved one) in pain.  It isn’t comfortable to watch the medicines take their toll on her mind and her abilities.  It isn’t comfortable to know that you can’t do anything about it.  It is a lot of things, but it is not comfortable.

This friend of mine, whose mom is in the hospital is actually the older sister of my best childhood friend.  I spent many nights at their house.  I had my first s’more in their living room.  I had my first GIANT waffle cone at Sesame Place with their family.  I watched “Thriller” at their house and was scared to pieces!  I almost crashed their computer and my sweet friend got so angry with me.  I thought she would never forgive me for pushing a button while the hourglass was still on the screen.  She did forgive me, though. 

I got to share the Gospel of John with my friend, and watch her become interested, at least for a time, with God and His Son.  And then, they moved away - and we lost touch, and, well... It is so blurry now.  I don’t really remember all the details.  They just moved and it seemed like forever far away, and we lost touch.   Now my heart is aching that I don’t know them better.  That I hadn’t kept up with their family more.  That I hadn’t had more of an eternal impact in their lives. 
I know they appreciate nice thoughts and positive feelings, and sweet sentiments from friends.  But, those things will not offer the kind of comfort they need right now.  There is One who is the Comforter.  There is One who can hold them in peace in this time of grief.  The very One that knit them together in their mother’s womb... And I am afraid they don’t know.  I am afraid their mom doesn’t know the Comforter.   I am praying that God will be near to them - and that He will reveal Himself through this time of intense pain.  It hurts so badly to watch your mom battle cancer.  Indescribable.  Painful.  I cannot imagine having to walk that road without Jesus.  I just cannot.  He carried me through on the truths that He will never leave me or forsake me.  He knows me, and He desperately loves me - with all of my sin, and with all of my flaws.  He is always there.  He is always good.  He will never leave.  And there is something more to come...

Tonight, I am so thankful for the book of John.  I am so thankful for the Way, the Truth and the Life.  And I am desperately praying that she will know Him if she doesn’t already before her days are complete on the earth.  I am praying for my sweet childhood friends to hear and receive Truth and comfort - and find true peace that passes all understanding.  I am praying for my friend Cynthia to press in deeply to the Lord and find shelter in the shadow of His wings.  I am praying that He will hold her near - and that rather than grow in fear, she will grow eager for the day that she will be wrapped up in the arms of the One who calls her Beloved - regardless of how and when He chooses to heal her.  She may have many more years on the earth, but I pray that she will live each one as if it could be her last - making the most of every day she has, and teaching others to do the same. 

And, I want to learn from her.  I know that she has many things that she could teach me.  

I am not walking in their shoes.  Please don’t read anything I have said as judgement - or as if I believe I can imagine what it is like to be one minute in their shoes.  I absolutely can not.  One thing I learned when I lost my mom is that everyone’s story is uniquely theirs.  Everyone’s pain belongs to them alone.  No matter what you have been through, you cannot begin to imagine the depth of someone else’s pain.  All you can do is cry with them, and offer them your shoulder and your arms, and your silence.  So, please don’t mis-read anything I have said.   I have simply thought aloud tonight because my heart is just aching.  It makes me desperate to be in the arms of Jesus and away from this world that is filled with pain and sorrow and hurt and frailty. 

My simple prayer tonight...
Oh Jesus, be near to my friends.  Be so very near.  You are the God of miracles and hope and peace.  Show yourself mighty in these lives I am begging you, my God and my King.  In the most powerful name of Jesus I ask these things,
your Beloved Daughter.