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I am not alone.
The Truth residing in those words is all we have to hang on to some days. It is true. No matter which days it doesn't feel true. God's Word is true, and it is true when we feel it, and true when we do not.
I thank God for His grace to believe that - because it is only by His grace I do.
This past month has been something difficult to understand, something difficult to put into words. Have we all felt that way? Haven't most of the days become overwhelming? Haven't we wearied ourselves with work and with worries to the point of forgetting that this earth is not where we will be forever? Haven't we taken up residence here as if this is all there is? I am tired of living that way. I am tired of living as if this earth and all it has is all that will be. How pitiful if it were.
Thank God, friends. There is much more. There is a crystal river that flows from a throne. And those who have trusted Jesus for eternity will never grow tired or weary, or thirsty or hungry or sad again. Not ever. Not in the presence of that river, not in the light of eternity.
On Wednesday this week, we had a Dr. appointment. Just a regular check up. Our baby boy has been so active - and so seemingly healthy, growing inside. It was our (almost) 6 month check up. Last month his heartbeat was elusive. We had to get the ultrasound machine to verify that he was just a wiggly booger, and that it was nothing worse. Moments later we heard that sweet sound. We saw his sweet body. We knew he was okay. This month, it was a repeat. The baby's heartbeat was not to be found. In came the ultrasound machine, and I laughed a little at how this boy was giving us a run for our money. And then came that image. The all too familiar stillness. The lack of a sweet blip on the screen. The silence.
No heartbeat.
No movement.
Just stillness.
In shock I sat staring at the screen. Just shock. There were no words. My mind became blurry. My thoughts couldn't connect. I literally couldn't think. I couldn't move or speak.
I have known the loss of 2 children already on the earth. One I held and I raised for 15 years. One I never held... never knew if it was a boy or a girl. 12.5 weeks I carried that sweet one inside. Longing for the day I would get to hold him/her that never came.
Not again, Lord. Please. I BEGGED you after the last miscarriage not to let me carry another that would end in loss. Lord, I know you heard me. I know you love me. I know you want only good for me. I asked you, Lord. I pleaded for an empty womb before a womb that would carry a baby only part of the way. 23.5 weeks. Almost 6 months. 2/3 of the way there. This couldn't be.
Our ways are simply not His ways. His thoughts are so much higher than ours.
The day drug on. We prayed. I prayed and believed that God would give us a miracle. I believe with my whole heart (not believED... STILL BELIEVE - present tense) that my God is the same God that brought Lazarus from the grave after 4 days of deaths sting. I believe that He is the same Jesus that raised people from the dead - and healed those sick with disease. He is that God. He is not less powerful... and He is no less loving than He ever was before. I asked some friends to join with us, believing for a miracle. And we prayed. And we believed. But, Friday night we went in and Saturday night our baby was born, and there was no breath in his lungs. There was not light in his eyes. Our Malachi was already with Jesus.
You see... There are some dangerous teachings out there that steal from the Truth of the Gospel. There are teachings that say if you believe enough... if you have enough faith, whatever you ask you shall have. But, friends, our WILL, what seems good and right and fair to us does not dictate what good and right and fair really are. The Word is clear that it is whatever we ask in His Name... according to HIS will, will be given. And it has never been our actions that have healed. It has been Jesus from beginning to the end. Our faith can move mountains... our faith can heal. But, we do not see all things. We do not always know what is best, and we do not get to dictate to God who will be given life and who will pass from the earth.
The hard part of living on this side of eternity is that we are unable to really know good according to God. We do not have the wisdom to discern the whole plan He has for our lives individually. We just don't.
Other people would believe that God takes away because of our sin. As a punishment - a teaching tool. Oh how damaging to the Truth. God is a God of justice. He will not tolerate evil forever. However, I plead the blood of Jesus over my life. I have never been and never will be good enough to please God on my own. All I have is the testimony of Jesus Christ. The blood He spilled will be the only way that I can stand before a holy God for eternity. It has not ever been because of my choices or my obedience that I have had blessings. Since I was a little girl who cried out for Jesus to rescue me - I have been covered by that blood and in my God's sight I have been washed clean. No, this was no punishment.
When we try to explain spiritual things that have understanding beyond our comprehension, we often diminish who God is. We try to make things fit in a neat little box, and this life is not a neat little box of lessons - easy to figure out. The only thing simple is that there is One who has gone before me, and He will never leave me. He promises to lead me according to Truth, and under a banner of love. And He has never broken a promise. Not ever.
I told God that day, all day... I would praise Him from my rooftop if He brought our little one, our little Malachi James back from the dead. But, I told Him, that even if He would not answer my prayer for the miracle I was desperate for... I would still praise Him from the rooftops. He is not only worthy of my praise when everything in my life looks like blessings and hope from my perspective. He is good, and He is loving even when life looks like I am sinking... drowning even... in sadness and sorrow.
I praise Him. I praise Him from the very depths of my (grieving) soul.
His Word is True. His heart and intentions towards me and my family are good.
He loves me. Not because I have ever deserved it, but because of my faith that Jesus has taken my place.
I PRAISE HIM. I cry out - sometimes without words, just from the deep places that I am not alone. HE will NEVER EVER EVER FORSAKE ME!! He will not. He can not. He is faithful... no matter if I am faithful.
I love God. I praise Him. So long as there is breath in my lungs, I will praise Him.
I am weary. So weary. Tonight my body reminds me that I have delivered a baby. A precious boy that I held for over 5 hours. It reminds me constantly that I am supposed to have a baby in my arms, nursing and snuggling me close. It seems a cruel reminder. I am not strong. I am not super holy.
I am broken.
I am weary.
I am weak and tired and sad.
My body is hurting. My mind is still messy.
But, the Holy Spirit inside of me is rising up... reminding me that I am not alone. I can come to Jesus and He will give me rest. I know that He has me hidden underneath His wings. The song I have posted at the bottom is the perfect way to end. It is the cry of my heart tonight. It serves as a reminder to myself that the Truth is still True. Hopefully it will remind you of that same thing. Please, listen to the song and surrender the hardest places in your life to the God who will NEVER leave you if you invite Him to take over.
It does not mean that life will be easy. Oh, my heart is grieved over my 3 babies and my momma in Heaven. Life will not be easy.
But, there is something that is stirring deep in my soul. In my weakness I am asking for His strength. In my sadness I am asking for His healing. In our grief, I am asking for Him to remind me that we have the Hope of Jesus as an anchor for our wandering souls. My hope is not of anything in this world. My hope is that my Jesus will come again, and this world will come to an end... and there will be so much more... so much more than we could imagine in store.
Drink from the crystal river my precious momma and Jacob and sweet baby Carolyn (or Joshua) and our Malachi James. We will be there to drink with you soon enough. And, until then, I know Jesus will be sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us to get through this life in a way that is honoring to God. To Him be the glory, when we understand and when we do not.
Last thought before the song... I bought the groceries today to have a "thanksgiving meal" later in the week. Turkey, dressing, gravy... the works. It was accidental, but God stirred me to want to eat those things, and we will, as a family, participate in thanksgiving right here in the middle of April. We will sit and be thankful for the children we have on the earth, still in our arms... and so many other things. Please pray for our family to embrace thankfulness during this time. The days can be so dark if we don't choose to look for the light.
Kari Jobe- I am not alone
When I walk through deep waters I know that you will be with me.
When I'm standing in the fire, I will not be overcome.
Through the valley of the shadow, I will not fear...
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will Never leave me
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will NEVER leave me.
In the midst of deep sorrow I see your light is breaking through.
The dark of night will not over take me, I am pressing into you
Lord you fight my every battle
and I will not fear
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will Never leave me
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will NEVER leave me.
You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own
You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own
You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own
You're my strength, you're my defender.
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials, you've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul
I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me
I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me
I am not alone. No I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me.
I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me.
I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me.
I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me.
