One of many

I have had so many things stirring around in my heart over the last few weeks. 

Due to the random nature of writing (composing a draft while the idea is fresh), I take what I can... a scrap piece of paper, a voice note to myself, my journal or even the back of an MLS listing and write as many of my thoughts down as possible when all the words come to the surface.  It seems to grab a hold of me at times that may not be the most convenient to come and sit down at my computer and just get typing.

Because of this, I am going to be posting several chats in a row, maybe all today. Lots of thoughts about lots of things... and all just got me stirred up in some form or fashion. 

So, this is fair warning... I hope you have a minute to sit and stay a while. Grab a warm cup of coffee and join me for a little time to ponder some heart things... it is my joy that you join me here. 

Post 1: 

Valentines Day was a month and a half ago. 

Some of you just got all giddy (butterflies and all) and some of you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way, you probably have some type of strong response. Maybe you have been so hurt by this day that you have turned off all emotion towards it at all. You have shoved it all down deep and refuse to acknowledge the day in any way, shape or form. 

My pastor was teaching last month about the Shape of Love. The question of the message was this, "When your life is shaped by love, what does it look like?"

You know, I have strong feelings about what it does look like and what it absolutely doesn't look like. I used to be so bitter about this Holiday in particular. I HATED it. When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really know how to love, it can be super confusing and painful. One day a year to be told you are loved or valued and 364.5 to be treated like you are worth nothing. Or every day you hear what you want to hear but all of the words are meaningless because they are never followed up by action - or worse yet, the actions prove out a completely different thing than love. 

Ouch. 

Christians preach the message that the Ultimate love comes only from one source. I happen to agree 100% with this teaching. However, I would say so many of these Christians (myself included) have at times been some of the most unloving people on the planet. In what they believe is true Christian love, they pound you with their theologies of works and their questions (intended to make you look inside and adjust something to "please" God more with your life), or they shun you or ban you or speak out strongly against one sin theme or another, but ultimately, they just create confusion about the TRUE Gospel.

Ouch again. 

Let me give you an example or two. 1. Homosexuality. 2. Abortion. 

You wanna talk about some HOT TOPICS. And "the religious" everywhere make a ridiculous mess of something that is SO SIMPLE. They go on and on using their social platforms to put down entire groups of people they do not know or care to understand in the name of "Christianity". That is not like Jesus, it isn't Christian, it is RELIGION. The religious are who Jesus condemned... not the sinners. Sheesh. The ones who had all of their checklists checked off - these are the ones that were so blinded to their own mess that Jesus called them a brood of vipers. 

Yes, I believe that homosexuality is sin. Sex outside of marriage = sinful. 
And I also believe:
Stealing paper clips from work is a sin. 
Billing for hours that you didn't actually work is a sin. 
Gossiping in the name of prayer requests = sin
Cheating on your taxes.... you guessed it... sin. 
That little "white lie" = sin. 
The selfishness you just showed your spouse = sin. 
Glancing lustfully at that billboard, or movie star, or person walking by = sin.
Losing your temper with your child because you are stressed out = sin.
Abortion = sin.
Cussing when you stub your toe = sin.
Drinking until you feel tipsy = sin.
Neglecting the Sabbath day = sin
Your arrogance in not being able to pinpoint any particular sin in your life = sin (just to spell it out, the sin of self-righteousness and pride is lurking, my friend). 

All of this... and many many more are why Christ had to come in the first place. Just because we have made some sins socially acceptable doesn't mean that we see like God.

What did Christ do with the sinners? What did He do with the woman caught in adultery? While the Pharisees were ready to stone her to death, He drew a line in the sand... He asked for the one without sin to cast the first stone. He demonstrated to the religious that their sin stunk to high heaven... just like hers.
In this past few years I have experienced an intense level of  Pharisaical judgment brought about by my own sin and the sinful response of those who felt more holy than I am.  

A lot of people leave the church altogether over things just like this. They assume God is the same as the people who are claiming to represent Him. 

I love God. I need community. I need other Believers. There are many many churches full of people who know how to love you through sin (Christlike) rather than hang you out to make an example of you. Being an instrument to bring shame is something the Devil does. Desiring to love and restore someone is the very merciful heart of God. 


Oh how I am thankful to God that He is so unlike man. 

Don't get me wrong. There is a Biblical recipe for someone caught up in sin. There is a process that is described for one who is set against God.  But, I would tell you, not one person who on "wise counsel" shunned me, knocked on my door or came to me in person.  Not one. Not one person who gave counsel to shun me had knocked either. Do you think that Jesus was pleased with this? Do you think this was loving?  

Oh mercy. Jesus forgive them, for they know not what they do and help me forgive them too. 
Jesus forgive me because I have been just like that myself. 


**sidenote** two people did come knock on my door. They did it the right way, and God bless them, they honored God in their coming. 

My point is this. Christians should be all about showing the love of Christ. Out of everyone, we should know from the depths of our soul what God has released us from, and God forgive us when we forget it... when we reach a place where we think we are so "cleaned up" we forget why we need a Savior in the first place. When you reach a place that you think you've got it, you really don't have anything at all. You can speak in the tongues of angels and be a loud gong... nothing but an annoyance. My Facebook feed is full to the brim of loud and clanging symbols. I have filled my own feed with clanging. Where is the LOVE?
Your normal "Christian" may not be anything like this loud mouthed (or loud on Social Media) friend or co-worker. What if there really are Christians who understand they are sinful too, and that their poop stinks just like yours? 

The world really does need love. There is but one lawgiver and judge. If we are to call ourselves Christians, let's get out of His way and be the hands and feet that He created us to be. Our condemnation of any act or group - no matter how sinful - does not prove how loving we are. It tells a completely different story about us.

Let's let our lives be marked by the way we love. Let it be marked by the way we spend ourselves on behalf of the weak, the poor and the ones who need Hope and Truth. Let's feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Stand beside the broken. Let's love. 

If you get all worked up over the gay and lesbian lifestyle, maybe Jesus is calling you to befriend someone who is in that lifestyle and LISTEN to them without judging them. Maybe if you get all worked up over abortion you should go volunteer some time at a place where you can be around the women who make up the majority of those who get abortions. Maybe you need UNDERSTANDING. Maybe you need to eat with sinners. Maybe you need to sit before God a bit and ask who you have hurt by your judgement and your clanging Facebook page. Maybe you need to show love and leave the judgement to the only One who can rightfully hold that position. 

When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket LOVE is the only thing that will help. Love SURROUNDS itself with hurting people. And with that, I will leave this post and head over to a whole new topic in the next week or so... 

Peace my friends. Peace and love from this broken sinner straight to you. 

Too much stuff... a few resolutions and True Love...

Friends, today I am fed up with having too much stuff.

I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff.  I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff.  What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere.  And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.

We need more time.

We need more space.

We need more silence.

So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.

This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year.  It just charges me up!

So, yes.  I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.

I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!

I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few.  Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.

I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook.  Hate it even.  But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans.  Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.

I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.

This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.

 It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes.  Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.

I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".

And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.

We don't mince words.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.

He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.

We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.

But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.

I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me...  "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."

Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.

Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE.  I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy".  But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.

That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!



I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!!  I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally!  Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.

My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.

Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!

This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul.  Ha!  I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.

I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.