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The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.
It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.
It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess. But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me, in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom, tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.
I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.
I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all. I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak. I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.
He is enough.
He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.
I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.
I will lean in today.
I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.
And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.
My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.
Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.
To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."
Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.
And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.
Much love,
Christy
