Raw (Consider yourself warned if you choose to read on...)

“Father, this morning I come with all of me.  I am seeking your face because I am desperate.  I am hurting.  Right now you know the ways I have been wounded all the way to my soul.  You see me.  You know every part of me.  You know every person who has added to my grief, and you know every person who has sought to speak Truth to my soul and how their words are like a healing balm.  You know the pain of betrayal and rejection at a far deeper level than I do. Let me live in such a way that I bring you glory - despite my pain.  Let me rejoice in you while at the same time, thank you for giving me the freedom to grieve all the way to the depths of my heart.  Thank you that you come with life and love and grace and mercy.  Please allow those who love you to do the same.  Please allow me to let forgiveness flow from the deep places in my heart and soul.  Do not allow me to be overcome with bitterness for those who have wounded me.  I need more grace.  I need more mercy.  I need more wisdom.  I am in a time of need.  I am desperate to honor you, but I feel like I have nothing more to give.  No more grace to extend.  I want to pull back.  I want to run away.  I want to hide from the pain - and from those who continue to bring me pain.  I want to quit.  I ask for those who are in the same place as I am to know your comfort.  I ask that you would bring healing and hope and life to their spirit’s this morning as well.  Let your love pour out in tangible ways to them even now as they read this.  Bring people here who need a reminder of your love to them. I know in my mind and my heart that you are more than sufficient.  Your grace is sufficient for me - especially in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9) And so, it is that grace that I call for this morning.  Pour out your grace and your mercy in ways that are far beyond what I could ask or imagine- for me and for my wounded friends.  Thank you that you hear me.  Thank you that you know me - every single part of me.  Thank you that you are never changing and always have in store for me that which is truly good.  You alone can discern what is good.  You alone can discern what is best.  I trust you, Lord.  And I thank you that you are my Lord.  You reached out and saved me, and you save me daily still.  My heart rejoices with thanksgiving for your Son, Jesus.  My soul longs for you.  In this dry and weary land... Let me press in to know your healing.  Let me press in to know you more.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  I bless your Name.”

This was my prayer this morning.  This is really the cry of my heart today.  I am wounded.  This week has been brutal.  I have missed Jacob more and more.  The pain has not subsided.  I have watched kids walking home from school.  I am so thankful for those kids - and I am desperately praying that their parents don’t take a moment with their living children for granted.  In the midst of my grief I have been wrestling with other wounds.  Wounds from people who love God.  Wounds from people who in some ways really do love me.  But, they have wounded me.  Deeply.  In my flesh, I want to run.  I want to hide from those who continue to hurt me.  I want to pull back.  Say enough is enough.  Just leave me alone.  But, in the deep places, I cannot say those things.  There is no where to hide from the Spirit of the Lord. (Psalm 139:7) He finds me wherever I run.  Praise His name that He does!  And it is impossible to hide or flee from His love. (Romans 8:37-39)  He knows that the deeper cry in my heart is to outrun bitterness.  To allow my heart to give way to forgiveness even though it is hard - even impossible in my flesh.  There is NO GOOD thing in my flesh.  There is no good thing in me.  Except Jesus.  He is the only good in me.  Whatever thing that is beneficial that comes from me, really comes from Him.  What a relief.  Because I am worn.  In my own strength I cannot even offer kindness.

His Word is beautiful.  His grace teaches us how to love through the pain.  It gives us all we need to live right even in this age. (Titus 2:11-14) This is a dark time.  This time where people are selfish and hateful.  His Grace teaches us to wait for the blessed hope - His return.  I am soooo excited to see what He in His power will do through my weakness.  I am not strong.  And, yet, I am so thankful for that.  Because it is out of my weakness that He will show Himself mighty. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today, if you find yourself in a place of hurt and you have a desire to quit... I implore you to press in.  Press in to know God’s love.  You will not have to search hard to find it.  He will not leave or forsake you.  No matter what or who comes against you... This day He will be there to be your refuge.  Your ever present help in a time of trouble. 

With time spent with Truth and thinking on the right things... My heart says this to God now...

Father, thank you that you have heard my cries.  Thank you for the beauty that surrounds my life.  Thank you for my precious family.  Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for my children.  Thank you for my friends.  Thank you for your sweet servants who helped me yesterday - who worked hours for your Kingdom - and in so doing blessed me to the depths. Thank you for the sweet one who bought me a coffee today and offered your precious love to me in a very tangible way.  Thank you for seeing my need and always being ready to meet me right in the middle of it.  Thank you for my job.  Thank you that it affords me the opportunity to take a day like this and run away with you.  Thank you for Your provision to us in every way.  Thank you, Lord that you can take a heart overflowing with pain and fill it with peace and life.  You alone are able to do such things as that.  Thank you that you can change our bitterness and allow forgiveness to flow from deep places.  You alone are able.  Thank you that you give us the ability to capture our thoughts and make them obedient to you.  You alone are good. 

I adore you, Jesus.  I cannot make it one day without your Spirit. 

Choose to believe in the goodness of God today, friend.  It is the only true thing.  God alone has the answer to your desperate cries.  That is not fluff or some magic thing.  It is truth.  His goodness to us does not always look like what we expect.  He knows far more than we do.  But, I promise this - He is good.  Even in the darkness, He is good.

May love and grace go before and behind you today.  Thanks for stopping by.  I hope you are blessed by the ramblings of my heart. 

All my love,
Christy

Happy Birthday Jacob! You are missed, my love...

Today is a precious day for me and my family.  This was the day, 17 years ago that God gave us Jacob.

We will celebrate tonight with a birthday cake.  We won’t laugh as hard as we would have if he were here.  But, we will take turns talking about how thankful we were to know him, and to love him.  We will share our favorite memories of him.  We will miss him more than we have words that could express it.

I have battled over this past year and a half.  My heart has been so angry with God at times.  I have known that He had the power and the full ability to bring my boy back to me that day.  I have never doubted that.  But, He, in His Sovereignty, chose to take Jacob from the earth.  Something about that makes it hard to trust for a while.  I am desperate to trust Him the same way I used to... But I know that I am re-learning to trust.  I guess a trust un-tested is not a deep trust.  I am pressing in to know a greater depth of trust than I had before.  It is easy to sing the songs in church if you have not suffered deep loss.  When life has been somewhat kind and blessings (those things we recognize as blessings) seem to be all around.  It isn’t hard to sing, “Bless the Lord O my soul” when your soul is full and you are standing in a sweet place with the Lord.  But, when He really does take away...  When He really allows something so devastating to touch your life... Well, if I'm honest, sometimes I can’t bring myself to sing the words out loud.  It is more of a desperate cry from the depths of me - silently - begging God to restore trust.  To give more grace.  To give more mercy so that my mouth can move to utter the words that I mean, but cannot give voice to.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am so grateful.  I am so thankful.  God has blessed me more than I can ever say.  Losing Jacob did not make me less thankful.  It made me more thankful for my family.  It made me more thankful for the people in my life that are still here to laugh and cry with.  It has made me take a deeper look at what eternity really means, and it has made me thankful for every moment I get to share with those who are here.  But, it has also made me look forward to the day that Jesus will return for us!
  

I have wept so many timess over the past two weeks.  I just miss my boy like crazy.  It is harder in some ways now that it has been longer.  He would be starting his senior year of high school this year.  He would have been graduating in May.  Making big life decisions.  His sweet friends will walk the stage... They will walk the halls - as the first seniors in that school... And he will not be walking with them.  But, this I know... If we could understand where he is walking right now, we would not be this sad.  We have no real understanding of the world that waits for those of us who love God and have accepted Christ as the atoning sacrifice (the payment) for our sins.  We cannot fathom all that God has in store for us.  My boy is so much more alive than I can understand.  This world is merely a shadow of things to come.  He no longer walks among the shadows.

Anyway, here are some pics of a boy that meant a whole lot to many people.

We celebrate you, Jacob.  Your birth, your life, and your eternity with the One who created you and made you so special.  You, my love, left a really big mark on this earth in your short time here.  Love you and miss you every day sweet boy.  ~ "Mommy"