Happy Birthday Jacob! You are missed, my love...

Today is a precious day for me and my family.  This was the day, 17 years ago that God gave us Jacob.

We will celebrate tonight with a birthday cake.  We won’t laugh as hard as we would have if he were here.  But, we will take turns talking about how thankful we were to know him, and to love him.  We will share our favorite memories of him.  We will miss him more than we have words that could express it.

I have battled over this past year and a half.  My heart has been so angry with God at times.  I have known that He had the power and the full ability to bring my boy back to me that day.  I have never doubted that.  But, He, in His Sovereignty, chose to take Jacob from the earth.  Something about that makes it hard to trust for a while.  I am desperate to trust Him the same way I used to... But I know that I am re-learning to trust.  I guess a trust un-tested is not a deep trust.  I am pressing in to know a greater depth of trust than I had before.  It is easy to sing the songs in church if you have not suffered deep loss.  When life has been somewhat kind and blessings (those things we recognize as blessings) seem to be all around.  It isn’t hard to sing, “Bless the Lord O my soul” when your soul is full and you are standing in a sweet place with the Lord.  But, when He really does take away...  When He really allows something so devastating to touch your life... Well, if I'm honest, sometimes I can’t bring myself to sing the words out loud.  It is more of a desperate cry from the depths of me - silently - begging God to restore trust.  To give more grace.  To give more mercy so that my mouth can move to utter the words that I mean, but cannot give voice to.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am so grateful.  I am so thankful.  God has blessed me more than I can ever say.  Losing Jacob did not make me less thankful.  It made me more thankful for my family.  It made me more thankful for the people in my life that are still here to laugh and cry with.  It has made me take a deeper look at what eternity really means, and it has made me thankful for every moment I get to share with those who are here.  But, it has also made me look forward to the day that Jesus will return for us!
  

I have wept so many timess over the past two weeks.  I just miss my boy like crazy.  It is harder in some ways now that it has been longer.  He would be starting his senior year of high school this year.  He would have been graduating in May.  Making big life decisions.  His sweet friends will walk the stage... They will walk the halls - as the first seniors in that school... And he will not be walking with them.  But, this I know... If we could understand where he is walking right now, we would not be this sad.  We have no real understanding of the world that waits for those of us who love God and have accepted Christ as the atoning sacrifice (the payment) for our sins.  We cannot fathom all that God has in store for us.  My boy is so much more alive than I can understand.  This world is merely a shadow of things to come.  He no longer walks among the shadows.

Anyway, here are some pics of a boy that meant a whole lot to many people.

We celebrate you, Jacob.  Your birth, your life, and your eternity with the One who created you and made you so special.  You, my love, left a really big mark on this earth in your short time here.  Love you and miss you every day sweet boy.  ~ "Mommy"