Shadows

Tonight I sit - listening to worship music - in my soft bed. I am troubled in my heart for my precious Candice. Too many people can’t understand where she is coming from... Or why she continues to stay where she is. It hit me yesterday how similar I am to Candice. It hit me how similar we all are to her. No matter what we pretend. We all desire to be loved. We all desire to be told that we are beautiful. We all desire to receive the attentions of someone - all of us. I say in one breath that I can’t understand how she could allow herself to be physically abused over and over again by the same guy. Why she would continue to go back to him - even after he hurts her? Why would she continue to stand up for him - why? And then I realize how many times I go back to the same thing that draws me nearer to death every day. Death in my soul, I mean. The lies that keep me in bondage. The lies that keep me from fully believing God. Not just believing Him for the things that He has promised in the future... But the things He has promised me today.

I am not all about name it and claim it. Our God paid a high price for our salvation. He sent His one and only precious Son to the cross in order to make things right. I serve a Holy God that is far too Sovereign to let me name what I think is good for my life and leave me to my own devices. He alone knows what is good. He alone is good. But, that is exactly what the enemy is trying every day to steal from me.

A friend of mine asked me once if I really believed that God is good. I said, “Of course.” But then she made it a little simpler for me to check out in my heart. She said, “Yes, I know you know that God is good, but do you believe that He wants only good for you - ONLY good for YOUR life?” Hmmm... I knew He is good. I know He wants only good for His children, but did I fully embrace my inheritance as His true child? I’m still not sure I do. I’m sure, in fact, that I will not fully embrace that here on the earth. But, it is the truth. No matter what hardships come my way - His desire is only for good in my life. His thoughts - all of them towards me are HOLY. Holiness is pure goodness. That is my own definition. But, I just think of it as something that is set apart in it’s unique purity. I am His child - His true heir, not because of anything that I have done. But, because of Jesus. His life, death and resurrection have assured me of my birthright... my inheritance to know God as my Abba.

It just hit me as I let the truth of what I BELIEVE hit my heart that I let the enemy accuse God to me all the time. It is not in the way that I say God is holding out on me - though, often when situations arise that are less than favorable, that thought always comes in. However, for me, that isn’t nearly as common as it is for me to have this thought that something I can do will make me have higher favor with God. Thus, the things I do can also cause me to have a lower approval rating. WHAT??? But, isn’t that something we all struggle with?

Jake and I just went to see Inception yesterday. It made me think. It still has me thinking.... It was interesting how one of the female characters thought of the dream world as her reality - and she was willing to die to stay in that reality forever. She built and built for years - homes and streets from memories. She invested so much time in the temporary - and all to make just a shadow of her real life, the real life that she was letting slip away by staying in the dream. It made me think about the fact that there is a world that is much deeper - much more real than this one that we inhabit. And, yet, we live as if this world is our permanent home. We are living in the dream, in the shadow - and we are often unwilling to wake up and realize that reality is really evading our grasp - because we are living for this temporary place and trying to make it home. But, it is only a shadow - we are only a shadow of the true life that awaits us. 1 Chronicles 29:15 says, “We are aliens and strangers in your sight, as were all our forefathers. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope.” and Job 8: 8-10 says,"Ask the former generations and find out what their fathers learned, for we were born only yesterday and know nothing, and our days on earth are but a shadow.” and Psalm 102:11-12 says, “My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations.”

I did a quick reference for the word “shadow” on Biblegateway.com and I was amazed at the things that were referenced over and over. Sit and read a few of them with me.

Ecclesiastes 6:12 says this, “For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?”

Colossions 2:16-17 “Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. 17 These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.”

Hebrews 10:1 The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship.

Then, there were so many references to God’s shadow - where we can hide and take refuge. Sweet. That is my favorite shadow!

Psalm 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.”

As I was reading these, many things were coming to mind. First of all - this life is a breath - a shadow. Quick. Coming to an end quickly. Hmmm... again I was hit with how permanent it all seems... How forever really just often describes our thoughts towards this earthly life. Then, the law being only a shadow... It is not the reality. THE REALITY IS FOUND IN CHRIST! Whew. Amen. Doesn’t this one statement shed truth on the “more favor with God” issue? And finally, the shadow that God offers us as a place of refuge. His shadow is eternal. We will be able to rest in Him forever... but His invitation starts NOW. Not in eternity. His invitation to rest in His shadow has already been extended - I have only to accept the invitation. Wow. I will be thinking on this a bit.

All of that said, please pray for my Candice. Pray fervently for her. She is losing grasp on reality - and very quickly. If God Himself doesn’t intervene quickly- she will be back in jail for the next 10 years of her life. No parol. No way out. It may be the best plan for her. This is where I rest in His Sovereignty - while at the same time begging for His mercy for her. She feels trapped. Much like me. She knows and believes there is a better way - a better life. But, she cannot accept that she is worthy of receiving it. Again, if I were to be fully honest, I would have no choice but to say the same thing...

FAMILY UPDATE!!!

When I originally began writing this post I was just going to give a family update as a prelude to the deeper things in my heart. As I have written, and seen how many words are on this page, I have determined that I will make this ONLY a family update and the deep things of my heart will have to wait for another time. :) So, here goes, settle in, it is quite an update!

We moved (by the GRACE of God) into our new house in the last few days of June. We have two wonderful roommates that we met through our church’s website! They are a delight to have living here and it is fun to see how the Lord provides for us at every turn. It is a beautiful house and we are so thankful for so many things about it. We love the back yard. We love that it has NO carpet in the living room. We love that we have space enough to have roommates. It is a blessing in so many ways.

I will start with Christian (Mia’s biological brother). Well, I must let you know that his name is now Kohbi. It is a strong name, and a perfect name for him. He is over 20 pounds, 6 months old and one of the happiest babies I’ve ever seen. He is with his new family. The coolest part about that - is it is my family too. My sister, and her husband Chad, and their two precious children are Kohbi’s forever family. There are too many cool details to list out, but I will explore that more fully at a different time. For right now, just know that God’s hand moved in a mighty way and we all knew that His Sovereign plan was for my sister to be Kohbi’s mommy. Wow. So, we are back to only 5 kids - but we get to have a very close relationship with Kohbi forever - and that is dear to my heart.

Jake is 13 and in the 8^th grade. He is 5’7 and is such a great kid. He is going to be an amazing man. I love watching him grow up and I am so blessed by the youth group he attends. God has His hand on this boy. What a privilege to be his mom. I got to watch him today as we all (me and the 5 kids) waited for an hour to get 4 of them a haircut! The first 20 minutes was a piece of cake... After that, it was a bit hectic. Just as I was about to have to go full out mommy mode, Jake stepped in to help out. Before I even asked him, he was taking care of his tiny sister and keeping his brothers out of trouble. What a treasure to my heart. And, when all but one haircut was finished - he offered to take everyone to the car to start a movie so they wouldn’t have to wait in the shop. Precious.

Maddy is 10 and in the 5^th grade. It is her first year in Intermediate school. She LOVES it. She is so social (I have no idea where she gets that from?) and she is always hugging someone, or smiling at someone, or I am hearing someone yell her name from across the playground. I love that she loves people. And, I pray that she knows that apart from their approval she is an amazing little grown up girl. That is what she is... A little girl that is grown up in so many ways. She is very helpful with the babies - and she always knows when I need a hug. She can tell if I have been crying even when I “cover” well. She knows me and I know her and I am delighted that I get to be her mommy.

Jared is 8 and is in the 3^rd grade. This is his first year without his sister in the same school. That is tough, but he is doing so great! I forgot what a tough age this is for boys especially. I don’t know if it is hormones, or just a time for testing limits, but things are surfacing that make me so sad. God’s Word is true, and I will not spare the rod, but it breaks my heart that it seems like this will be a tough season for him. It will be a time of discipline. And we will both make it out alive. It will just teach me a lot about God’s unconditional love and it will teach him much as well. He is a very funny boy - and he is doing really well in school. He is the most amazing artist I know. He delights in drawing and I delight in being the recipient of many of his works of art. He still has one of the most tender hearts I have ever seen. This makes the spankings much harder on my mommy heart. I can’t wait to see the man he becomes. It is a wonderful thing to be his mommy.

Jude is 2 and a half. Almost 3 in fact. My sister pointed this out to me the other day. Thanks, sis. He is so smart. Scary smart. And he is so fun! He is strong-willed, very focused, super-silly and stubborn headed. He makes me tired. He cries loud and acts so foolish when he is tired. That reminds me of me. I am so foolish when I am tired. There is a constant pulling in my heart - one way that I do not wish to spend one minute without him, and one way that I could send him off at any point for a few days just to get my head on straight. How I love this about him! He is a joy to my heart. He makes me so angry and so proud so many times a day that I can’t describe it well. Taking him to Disney made me see how grown up he is becoming. His comprehension is just amazing and he was so precious the whole trip. I literally felt sorry for everyone who doesn’t get to be his mommy. I have that feeling with him often. And, I am humbled to actually be his mommy. This kid is gonna do great things. I know it.

And finally, there is Mia. Ahhh my precious Mia baby. She is hardly a baby anymore, but don’t worry - we don’t tell her that! She will be 2 in December. Wow. What a ride this last 21 months has been! We had no idea what all would be in store for us 2 years ago. I will leave that to a different post, but it will be hard to put words to everything that is in my heart. Mia is really starting to talk a lot. She is so funny... So much a diva! She hollers when she doesn‘t get her way. She is sassy. She is beautiful. She is a delight to my heart. She is constantly ready to “hold” me. She snuggles me in a way that reminds me how much I love to be hugged tight. I can’t describe how much she was made for me. I know that she needed me... But I needed her more. That is the truth. Her hair is super curly and amazing. Her smile is infectious - and the faces she can make are really just crazy! She loves to read - probably more than anything else she loves to sit in my lap and read while snuggling her blanket! That was the most dramatic thing of the month. We lost her blanket. Her pink, soft, wonderful blanket that I made her before she was born. So, naturally, I had to make her another one. Just like the first one. And she carries it everywhere! She is my Linus. That reminds me of me. I loved my blankets when I was a little girl. But, I will still praise the Name of Jesus when we find the first one. I think she will too. It is just a blanket. Just a piece of soft pink wonderfulness. But, it carries a story. A deep story of God’s faithfulness and His love and mercy. And she and I both know the story. It is a beautiful story. So, I hold hope in my heart that it will be found and we will rejoice. Being her mommy has taught me more about the Kingdom of God than any other thing in my life. I praise God for the privilege, the blessing of being called mommy by her precious little voice every day, and I praise God for His gift to me of this little girl.

So, that is the kiddos. All of them a tremendous blessing to me. Each, in their own way teaching me everyday how messed up I am, and yet, how much grace God has to extend. I love that His mercies are new every single morning.

Ken is busy busy with Burger Boy. Our sweet manager left for maternity leave :) yay babies! And, he has become the new manager. He is a great manager. God made him to lead. He is a very strong leader, and an excellent one at that! I find myself thinking more and more often how handsome he is, and how much I am thankful that 14 years ago he chose me to be his bride. God is good.

I am back full time at the daycare, and am looking forward to whatever the Lord has in store for me today, tomorrow, and as long as He wills me to be on this earth. I am praying that He has a buyer for the business soon, but His plan is best, so I will hold on to the truth that He knows what He is doing. Pray for us to have wisdom in each aspect of life. Daily we need His provision and His guidance. Daily we count on His hand leading us to the places we should go. He is so good to us. He is our Mighty God.