Dangerously Close...

Dangerously close...

Isn’t it something when we are so passionate about something that it makes us cry at the thought of it?  I have a few things like that stored deep in my heart.

I love to worship.  I love to write.  I love to read the Word.  Chances are if you and I were to sit and chat for any length of time about any of those subjects, tears would just spring to my eyes.  They are the deep things in my heart.

God made me that way.  He set those things up in my heart before I was born, to bring me life and abundance in Him.  The things that He desires for us - the abundant life - the promised land that is here and now - must be related to these deep things.  That is why I cry.  It is the unbelief (to some degree) that springs up.  It is the voice of the evil one who wants me to believe that those things are never going to come to pass.   I am just not good enough (well, certainly with the Holy Spirit I am not), or talented enough... Or so many other things.  It is why it is hard to share in groups of people - for fear of sounding foolish or prideful.

But, those of you who really know me, know that I am more and more about keeping it real, and less and less about keeping these things to myself.  God created me for a purpose.  He created me to unashamedly live for Him - in whatever way He chooses.

My book has 3 half-chapters left.  That is simply surreal.  First of all that I am actually so close to being finished.  Secondly, that I am a mere 5 to 6 hours away from needing to figure out about publishing.  And thirdly, that the cover (hand drawn by a dear friend) is perfectly perfect - and already drawn.   I think I always knew it would really be done, but I guess it has just been “Wait” for so long.

This week, I anticipate that my heart will be stirred up in many ways.  I have found some bitterness that lies within my heart.  That is a bummer.  I hate it when I think that I have dealt with something that I have not fully dealt with.  Yuck.  But, I am excited to say that God was gracious enough to shed His light on it, and I am going to choose to be willing to let Him heal my broken heart.  It will probably include being very transparent in an awkward situation, but that is okay.  God is worth it.  He is always worthy of anything I can do to bring Him glory.

Tonight, I want to encourage you to write down the deep things in your heart.  You don’t have to share them with anyone.  But, if you want to believe that God has stirred something within you for a purpose, you ought to tell someone you can trust.  You could even share it with me anonymously.  I love dreams.  God is truly the giver of our passions.  But, the enemy would love to keep us in the place that halts any progression towards the things God has set deep within.  Whatever that thing is that stirs your heart up for God - write it down and seek Him for what He wants from you in it right now.  Maybe it is time to pray.  Maybe it is time to share it with someone, or a close group of people.  If you have not read it, I highly encourage you to read “Waking the Dead”, by John Eldridge.  Talk about reminding us of the importance of seeking out the things of the heart!!  Whew - it is a great read and a good thing for those of us who are parched in this sun-scorched land.

Now, off to finish the book - or make a good run at it.  Sleep well, friends.  Dream big.  Leaving your hands wide open for the Lord to give and take away... 

Dangerously Close...

Dangerously close...

Isn’t it something when we are so passionate about something that it makes us cry at the thought of it.  I have a few things like that stored deep in my heart. 

I love to worship.  I love to write.  I love to read the Word.  Chances are if you and I were to sit and chat for any length of time about any of those subjects, tears would just spring to my eyes.  They are the deep things in my heart. 

God made me that way, from before I was born.  He set those things up in my heart to bring me life and abundance in Him - in a different way from anyone else.  The things that He desires for us - the abundant life - the promised land that is here and now - must be related to these deep things.  That is why I cry.  It is the unbelief (to some degree) that springs up.  It is the voice of the evil one who wants me to believe that those things are never going to come to pass.   I am just not good enough (well, certainly with the Holy Spirit I am not), or talented enough... Or so many other things.  It is why it is hard to share in groups of people - for fear of sounding foolish or prideful. 

But, those of you who really know me, know that I am more and more about keeping it real, and less and less about keeping these things to myself.  God created me for a purpose.  He created me to unashamedly live for Him - in whatever way He chooses. 

My book has 3 half-chapters left.  That is simply surreal.  First of all that I am actually so close to being finished.  Secondly, that I am a mere 5 to 6 hours away from needing to figure out about publishing.  And thirdly, that the cover (hand drawn by a dear friend) is perfectly perfect - and already drawn.   I think I always knew it would really be done, but I guess it has just been “Wait” for so long. 

This week, I anticipate that my heart will be stirred up in many ways.  I have found some bitterness that lies within my heart.  That is a bummer.  I hate it when I think that I have dealt with something that I have not fully dealt with.  Yuck.  But, I am excited to say that God was gracious enough to shed His light on it, and I am going to choose to be willing to let Him heal my broken heart.  It will probably include being very transparent in an awkward situation, but that is okay.  God is worth it.  He is always worthy of anything I can do to bring Him glory. 

Tonight, I want to encourage you to write down the deep things in your heart.  You don’t have to share them with anyone.  But, if you want to believe that God has stirred something within you for a purpose, you ought to tell someone you can trust.  You could even share it with me anonymously.  I love dreams.  God is truly the giver of our passions.  But, the enemy would love to keep us in the place that halts any progression towards the things God has set deep within.  Whatever that thing is that stirs your heart up for God - write it down and seek Him for what He wants from you in it right now.  Maybe it is time to pray.  Maybe it is time to share it with someone, or a close group of people.  If you have not read it, I highly encourage you to read “Waking the Dead”, by John Eldridge.  Talk about reminding us of the importance of seeking out the things of the heart!!  Whew - it is a great read and a good thing for those of us who are parched in this sun-scorched land. 

Now, off to finish the book - or make a good run at it.  Sleep well, friends.  Dream big.  Leaving your hands wide open for the Lord to give and take away... 

Puzzle pieces...

Today was such a neat day.  I interviewed for a job with an organization that has a super-great ministry! 

My heart was literally overwhelmed with peace and filled with joy at the thought of working there. 

All of a sudden, many of the little, strange parts of my experience... like puzzle pieces were all coming together to form something I hadn't been able to see before.  It was like I had a giant puzzle that was full of beautiful scenery - in patches - but had many pieces missing... and all of a sudden whole areas of the puzzle were becoming filled in - revealing even more beautiful landscapes than I had been able to distinguish from the hole-ridden puzzle only moments before.  I hope that makes sense. 
I have been asking God to use me for the purposes He created me for.  He knows me, inside and out.  He knows all of my areas of weakness.  He knows all of the circumstances that have come into my life.  He knows all.  He designed me.  He put passion inside my heart for things - and He alone knows how to bring it all together. 
Prayerful consideration is where we are in "the hiring process".  We are praying to see if God reveals any "red flags" over this next week - giving Him the freedom to say "no", or "wait", or anything else He wants to say.  And, I am at complete peace.  That is only by the Holy Spirit.  I have never felt like something was such a perfect fit for my "bents".  You know, the way you are "bent" as a person.  The things that you love.  The things that bring life to your soul and revive your weary heart. 
Today I allowed my heart to fully engage in the "dream" of what could be.  What a sweet time it was to believe for the things that God has placed in my heart.   And tonight, I hold my hands high - filled to the brim with that same dream - and offer it right back to the One who has the authority to give or to take it away.  And peace like a river attends my way...  Rich streams of mercy flood my heart and I am enraptured by the One who is worthy of my praise.   I would rather live in the (faith-stretching) abundance of God than in the insecure place that comes with trusting in my own plans - or ability.  He alone can bring together a perfect fit. 
Tonight my heart is full of adoration and praise.  Tonight I rejoice that He is faithful and I am His beloved.

When all around my soul gives way...

I think I may be running out of "titles" for blog posts.  This just seems to be the most appropriate title to my tired mind right now. So, I am gonna run with it!  Over the last two months, we have lost our business, discovered what it is to scrape every penny we can find just to make (some) of the ends meet.  We have had moments of seeming victory (like when they allowed us to pay our car note over two months time instead of having two notes due) - and we have had moments of sure defeat (like when we discovered that no credit card company would work with us prior to our going into collections for 6 months - thus completely destroying our credit).   But, praise the Lord, we have had enough food to eat, and we have been able to keep our home and our cars.  God is providing week by week for the needs that we have  - he has been consistently providing for us.  He is faithful - even when we don't deserve it.
We have had Verizon "accidentally" draft almost $1000.00 from our account, to be met with the response of "We are so sorry, but there is nothing we can do about that - your refund check will be issued in about 8 weeks."  We have had so many things like that happen - and in all this - there cannot be closure to our "failed" business.  It is enough to make one feel like a worthless liar and a cheat...
Sometimes, the only ways not to lose hope is to remember that this too is only a season, and this too shall pass.  I will be honest, I am weary of the daycare burden.  I was so ready to shake the dust from my feet.  Accepting defeat from the foes that threatened (from the very beginning) to close our doors, and yet, maintaining victory because we know with all of our hearts that we were dealt with outside the realms of justice.  We know that God reached in and rescued me from my sure demise.  The stress and pressure of being the owner was killing my soul.  So, with that stress removed - I began to feel life return to my weary bones.  But, because of the funds we owe to others... this door is seemingly never going to close, and I am growing ever weary of not knowing what is right - thus bringing a heaviness in my soul that I cannot see removed by my own hand or works.  I find each week that there is some other thing left undone, and I am so tired of it all.  This is the part I don't understand.  I don't know why it had to be this way.  If only someone would have wanted to take the business over, and pay us even a small amount of money for the "training" we could give... we would have had money to pay off the debts that we owe.  If only the people that owed us would have paid....  If we had just closed it down rather than going in debt to try and keep it open....  we could "if" it to death... 
As it is, we owe everyone it seems.  We owe the IRS, we owe customers, we owe our accountant, we owe the city of college station, we owe... we owe...  Equally as heavy is determining what to do when we do get a few dollars.  We owe 20 people, four companies, and the government.  How are we supposed to determine who is most worthy to receive their payment first?  Do we draw names from a hat?  Do we somehow try to judge who is really in the most need for their money?  Really?  Who is man that he can determine such things?  And yet, this is the task that I feel I have been given.  I hate it.  Many people can make judgements about how we got into this predicament in the first place.  I don't blame you, often I wonder the same thing.  Every decision seemed to be the right one at the time.  Maybe we should have just closed it down in December when we didn't have the funds to keep it going.  We felt like we were doing everyone a great service by loving on their children, and by offering jobs  - even as it cost us dearly in credit card expenses.  I don't even know if I can answer that question, but one thing I know... I am ready, so ready to be out of this place.  Those decisions have long since been made, right or wrong, and  I am ready to start a new chapter- I am ready to see how the Lord will deal with this mess that still threatens to completely make me lose hope.  It is not that I am not willing to work however hard it is necessary.  I truly am.  But, I am more aware right now, that I am powerless to make anything happen.   It is at times like this, that I have to remember that He who created me, knows my future and His plans are good.  I will not lose hope, because my hope is not in my ability (or my husband's) to work hard enough to get it taken care of.  My hope is fully formed in the One who holds the stars in His hands. 

My hope is found in nothing less 

than Jesus' blood and righteousness, 

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 

but wholly lean on Jesus name.  

On Christ the solid rock I stand, 

all other ground is sinking sand.  

All other ground is sinking sand. 

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

That is my hope.  Before Him, I already stand blameless, though on the earth, I am riddled with guilt.  This is my hope that Jesus paid all of my debts - and somehow, He in His faithfulness will help us make it right in due time.   When all around my soul gives way... He then, is all my hope and stay. 
Thank you Jesus, that you are all that I need.  You are everything I need to make it through.  Though my name may be dragged through the muck and the mire, and though man may hold our lives under a microscope, I am so thankful that You, the Creator, are full of mercy and grace, and you continue to extend it to even the lowest of men.  Thank you God, for planning for our future, even when we failed to do so.  Thank you God, that everything you allow into our lives is for the purpose of bringing you glory and offering us hope.  Thank you Jesus that you make all things new.  In due time.  Yes, in due time, you will make all things new.  You will provide the offering so that we may stand - even in this situation that seems like it has no end, thank you that you know the day it will.  Thank you that you know the exact hour, and by what means our monetary debts will be paid off and we will start with a clean slate.  Thank you, Lord for your forgiveness when we are faithless.  Thank you for your love that never quits on us.  Somehow may we bring you glory through this.  Somehow, may your name receive honor and praise in the midst of this mess.... only You, Lord, can do things as great as that!

Heartache...

Have you ever felt your heart break?  Literally felt it inside of you - like part of it just tears in two?

I hate that feeling.  When my heart is sinking to the depths.  It is that low place where you just want to be alone, and can't stand the thought of being alone all at the same time.

That is when I am the most thankful that I have Jesus.  I am never alone... and yet, He will give me as much "space" as I need.  He is so kind that way.  He is close to the brokenhearted.  I think that is why He put that verse in there.  He just wanted to make sure, in case we had any doubts... that we knew, really knew that He was close by.  The moment we whisper in our hearts that we need Him, He draws us near - carrying us close to His heart.  These are truths from Scripture.

Sometimes I think that He cries when I cry.  There is nothing in Scripture about that (that I know of) - although He does mention catching all my tears in a bottle.  Yep, every one.  And, He promises that in eternity - He will wipe every tear from my eyes.  Every single one.  I find that so comforting.

Watching someone that you love cry is heart-wrenching.  I know with my kids, I want to wipe their tears away.  It is the most tender thing I can think of to do.  It is a gesture that says, "My heart is breaking for you too".  That is (only perfectly so) the way that God feels.  He loves us.  We are His children.  To see us in pain brings His heart pain.  He is a perfect Daddy.  He is full of compassion and mercy.  His heart is certainly moved by our pain, though He has the bigger picture already unfolded in front of Him.  He can see what we can't.  That is why we should have hope.  Our hope is not in what is seen, but what is unseen.  Because the Truth is often in what is not seen, rather than what is.
Wow.  That sounds confusing... but this world is only a mere shadow of the things that are yet to come.  My hope is in what is coming ahead - and not what has gone before.  If this life is all there is, surely we are to be pitied more than all men.  This world is full of hate and pain and heartache.  But, what is coming is indescribable in beauty.
Tonight, my heart is chattering because it broke again.  In half.  I felt it in my chest, under my skin.  When that happens, there is only one place I need to go... and that is to the arms of my Savior - who understands the most complex of things about me.  What a gift that He would draw near to me.
Tonight, I am praying for anyone who might come across this... maybe your heart is breaking.  Or maybe it has long since been broken... either way... I am saying a prayer for you.  A prayer that you would know the love I am talking about.  That you would know the Hope I am referring to.  That you would find comfort and rest in the presence of Jesus.  I am praying that you find rest for your weary soul.  I am praying that you find the Healer for your broken heart.  I am praying because I know that if my heart is breaking - He wants me to pray for others in the same situation.  Now, I am going to take time and do just that.
Goodnight, sweet friend.  Cast all your cares upon Him because He cares for you. 

Mother's Day without a mom...

Mother's Day is such a wonderful idea.

Mother's do many things without recognition.  They have many jobs and responsibilities - and taking a day to say "thanks" is lovely, and so appreciated by all the momma's out there.

It is fun to be a momma.  It is fun to be celebrated.  It is a joy to me to see the things that my children have made me - by hand.  They are so proud - and I am so honored to be honored by them.  It is sweet.

But, a day to celebrate mom's for those of us who have lost our mom's is a bit like spring coming without flowers.  It is still beautiful outside.  Life is still growing all around, but something beautiful is missing.  Something is lacking and it is so noticeable.

My mom was simply amazing.

She laughed often.  She gave the most wonderful hugs.  She had the warmest smile, the most tender eyes...  She was an encourager.  She was feisty.  She had a fire about her that you were drawn to naturally.  She loved Jesus.  She honored God with her life.  She worked hard and she loved deeply.

God was so good to me to give me the momma I had.  She loved me so well.

This weekend, I am going to be thankful for the years that I had with her - and the eternity I will have with her.  I am going to be thankful that God's plan included forever for us to love one another.  Only, in the next life... there will be no pain, no tears.  Perfect love.  Perfect peace.  A Holy God - and an eternity to worship our sweet God together.  I don't know exactly how it will look, but I know that she and I will stand side by side and praise the One who gave us life again.  It will not be about how much I love her, or she loves me... but about the fact that we are all consumed with love for the One who is so worthy of our adoration.
That is a sweet thought.
That is my hope.
My life is hidden with Christ in God.
Eternity is real.
If your mom is still alive, even if you have been distant... won't you take the time this side of eternity and make things right?  Won't you remember all of the sacrifices she made and choose to dwell on the good and not the bad things?  Won't you realize what you are forsaking by ignoring her - or making light of her?

Honor your father and mother.

It is the first commandment with a promise.

Are you honoring her?  Are you honoring her in a way that demonstrates Christ to the world?  Don't forget how many people wish they could have just one more day with their mom on the earth.   Don't forget that you are blessed indeed to have a momma still here.  Take time to focus on the blessings of your mom.  Take time to realize that God chose her for you - and He doesn't make mistakes.

Take time to love.  That is what it is all about.  It is a sweet thing to receive love on mother's day - but as long as you have a momma that is alive... it is your right and responsibility to love her.
It is easy to love those who love us... much harder to love those who hurt us - or disappoint us.  But, the Bible doesn't ask us to only love those who are easy to love does it?    The Bible calls us to love radically - no matter the hurts and the pain that come with it.
Forgive.  Love.  Honor.  It is my plea that you would do those things well in regards to your mom.  God can heal up the rest and fill all of the spots that are empty.  That is what He does best.  Lean into Jesus and love your mom like crazy this year!

Mother's Day without a mom...

Mother's Day is such a wonderful idea.

Mother's do many things without recognition.  They have many jobs and responsibilities - and taking a day to say "thanks" is lovely, and so appreciated by all the momma's out there.

It is fun to be a momma.  It is fun to be celebrated.  It is a joy to me to see the things that my children have made me - by hand.  They are so proud - and I am so honored to be honored by them.  It is sweet.

But, a day to celebrate mom's for those of us who have lost our mom's is a bit like spring coming without flowers.  It is still beautiful outside.  Life is still growing all around, but something beautiful is missing.  Something is lacking and it is so noticeable.

My mom was simply amazing.

She laughed often.  She gave the most wonderful hugs.  She had the warmest smile, the most tender eyes...  She was an encourager.  She was feisty.  She had a fire about her that you were drawn to naturally.  She loved Jesus.  She honored God with her life.  She worked hard and she loved deeply.

God was so good to me to give me the momma I had.  She loved me so well.

This weekend, I am going to be thankful for the years that I had with her - and the eternity I will have with her.  I am going to be thankful that God's plan included forever for us to love one another.  Only, in the next life... there will be no pain, no tears.  Perfect love.  Perfect peace.  A Holy God - and an eternity to worship our sweet God together.  I don't know exactly how it will look, but I know that she and I will stand side by side and praise the One who gave us life again.  It will not be about how much I love her, or she loves me... but about the fact that we are all consumed with love for the One who is so worthy of our adoration.
That is a sweet thought.
That is my hope.
My life is hidden with Christ in God.
Eternity is real.
If your mom is still alive, even if you have been distant... won't you take the time this side of eternity and make things right?  Won't you remember all of the sacrifices she made and choose to dwell on the good and not the bad things?  Won't you realize what you are forsaking by ignoring her - or making light of her?

Honor your father and mother.

It is the first commandment with a promise.

Are you honoring her?  Are you honoring her in a way that demonstrates Christ to the world?  Don't forget how many people wish they could have just one more day with their mom on the earth.   Don't forget that you are blessed indeed to have a momma still here.  Take time to focus on the blessings of your mom.  Take time to realize that God chose her for you - and He doesn't make mistakes.

Take time to love.  That is what it is all about.  It is a sweet thing to receive love on mother's day - but as long as you have a momma that is alive... it is your right and responsibility to love her.
It is easy to love those who love us... much harder to love those who hurt us - or disappoint us.  But, the Bible doesn't ask us to only love those who are easy to love does it?    The Bible calls us to love radically - no matter the hurts and the pain that come with it.
Forgive.  Love.  Honor.  It is my plea that you would do those things well in regards to your mom.  God can heal up the rest and fill all of the spots that are empty.  That is what He does best.  Lean into Jesus and love your mom like crazy this year!