A question that demands an answer...

Not many days ago I met a young man who was having a rough time of things. I came upon he and another man that were praying in a parking lot in town. I drove by and said out loud in my car, "Jesus be with them and meet the practical needs they have. You know what is going on there I do not." and I was content to drive forward.... for about 2 seconds.  Then, in my mind, I heard God telling me to go and offer to meet the practical need.
Can I tell you in that moment I said, "God, don't be silly. These are two grown men. Seriously, what do I have to offer?"  I kept driving towards my house.
But, this nagging "turn around and ask to meet the need..." wouldn't leave my spirit at peace. So, after about 1 more minute of driving the wrong way, I circled back.
Long story short(er)... this same young man asked me a question recently.
A question that begs to be answered.
Demands it actually.
I know that God is after his heart because of how strongly He was insisting that I go back and be the answer to a practical need. So, here is the long answer to that short question.
God is real.
God is love.
God pursues us. Never gives up on us.
Religion is man's attempt to get to God.
Religion fails.
Religion never "saved" anyone.
Jesus is real.
Jesus' love is not dependent on what we do... or how we act.
Jesus offers love and freedom and grace.
Religion offers judgement and laws and shame.
I say this because I think many people have tried to offer this young man religion, although the man that was praying with him before I got there was truly offering him Jesus, not religion, and possibly a job! 
Religion never wins.
Love wins.
Grace wins.
Love never fails.
The question he asked me was poignant.  It hurt a little.
I have lived through a lot of trials. I have experienced a lifetime of both big and small losses. But, the death of my son...the loss of my beloved first born child has got to be the thing that threatened to tear me apart - to destroy me - more than any other. There is no pain in the world that I have known so far as the pain of that loss. The loss of a child.
The question that was asked of me was this, "Who do you love more, god or your son?"
Stop for a minute, and try to be honest with yourself about this. Put your child's name in the blank there and be real. God already knows. Who do you love more, god or Abby?  Who do you love more, god or Taylor? Who do you love more, god or Matthew? If you don't have children, then think of the person on the earth that you feel like you could never live without.  Who do you love more, god or _____? (Sidenote, I don't believe in "a" god. I believe in The God. The One true God - to whom there is no equal... but I was asked the question with a little g, so that is how I have presented it here.)

I remember being 22.  I had only been a mom for a year. But, I had NEVER known a love like the love that I felt for that tiny human.  Jake had my whole heart. MY WHOLE HEART.  He was my world. Every bad thing I had ever done didn't matter when I looked at his face. He was the most perfect and beautiful thing I had ever accomplished.  I adored him. More than God, for sure. I remember (though I am not sure how old Jake was, and Maddy could've been around by then too) confessing to God that I didn't love him (God) more than my family.  I wanted to know how, but I didn't see how it was possible. I prayed OFTEN that He would help me to love Him above all things. That is the right order. Love God, then love others. But, saying that and doing it, or meaning it are very different things.
So, I set my mind on loving God more. I prayed more. I read the Word more. I listened more when the Spirit spoke to my heart. Somewhere along the way, God took ahold of my heart in a way that I knew He won. He had my heart - all of it, and as a result, I was a better mom. I loved my kids more. I loved them better. I walked less "offended" by other people's actions.  I have NEVER been perfect. I will never be perfect... but I loved them with the broken, imperfect love I have more than I can ever express.
Now, fast-forward.  My precious son is 15. He got his first job. He was taking driver's ed. He was about to have his first girlfriend. I was thankful for the peace that was in our home. It was a sweet place, and it was a joy to be walking with God and trusting that He alone would provide for all of the needs of my own and my family. He was still first, and I was seeking hard after Him. I KNEW the depth of my blessings and I thanked God for them every day. But, on a Tuesday afternoon, a day that seemed like every other... my whole life changed. My Jacob walked out the door, joyful and precious. We shared some texts throughout the day. And then, while I was at work, a friend of mine came over and said that the school had called him. My Jacob collapsed and they were doing CPR on him. I got in my van and I drove as fast as I could to the hospital where my son was. I won't share the whole story right now, but I will say this... I knew the only hope I had came from God. I begged Him, and I asked others to pray too - that He would give me back my son. I believed from the depths of my soul that God could make that boy sit up on the table and we would all rejoice and share the miracle of how God healed his broken body. But, that doesn't get to be my story. 
So, it changed me.
In the beginning all I had that could keep me sane were the truths I had been told from my youth. I clung to those. I knew they were true. But, in the midst of the pain... a new struggle came up and I couldn't fight it on my own. The devil had a new way to try and destroy me... again, I won't go into details, but it almost worked. In those days, and even through the next year, I was so angry at God. I felt like I had been faithful. I had prayed. I had walked according to His word for more years than I hadn't. I felt like I had "earned" a favorable outcome. I felt like I earned a little time without drama and chaos and sadness. If all my faithfulness to Him did was earn me more pain, I had a hard time trusting this God who "only had good" for me. There is a quiet teaching that permeates the church as "truth" that isn't fully truth at all. It goes something like this, "Make sure you live your life in a way that you can receive blessings from God." What it subtly says if you keep your nose clean on God's big sin spectrum, you will earn his blessings and it hints that you won't have to face the bad things. It also hints that if you are "in sin" you won't get the blessings of God. You will be an outcast... separated. I had walked as correctly and as sinless as I knew how to walk... and losing my son was NOT a blessing.
My new reality pushes me even today to re-look at everything I have ever been taught. I have had to really dig deep to understand why I felt so betrayed. I had to dive into the hurt that I had - not only because God had allowed my son to be taken from the earth, but because of the assault that came immediately after. For the first time in my broken life, I found myself very angry at God. He should have protected me. He shouldn't have allowed that to come into my life while I was so broken, so vulnerable. I felt forsaken. I felt like He had left me alone. Truthfully, several people I had considered dear friends did leave me alone. After all, in their minds it was the "holy" thing to do. But, all it did was speak the devils lie louder to my heart. God was going to test me, and leave me there in my broken place - and if I didn't make all the right decisions, I was ousted from the place of blessing. I know Scripture. I know it says that God does not test us. I know that it says He will never leave or forsake us, but in those moments, I doubted those things were true because people are so very unlike God.
Our minds are the most powerful thing about us. We can withstand SOOO much if our minds are set to get through it. So, the true answer to the question "who do you love more?" is that I love God more. So, how did I get back there? It was every little moment that God pursued me - even in the most broken of places. It was the nights I was curled up in a ball sobbing on the floor of my bathroom because I didn't know how I would take one more step without my son. In those times, God would come to me - He would drop the words to an old hymn or worship song into my mind. As I sang the words, a little healing would come - and I would have the bravery to get up, wipe away the tears and move on. It was in those kinds of moments that He would put a part of Scripture into my mind - and when I opened my Bible to the full chapter - the Words brought life and encouragement to my weary heart. It was the moments when I was weeping at the altar and a friend would come pray over me and she was speaking to the depths of my soul as the Spirit led her in a prayer for me. She prayed the exact words over me that I had just silently cried out to God (in my mind).  It was the moment when I remembered my mom coming into my room late one night because the Lord told her to come check on me. I had been laying there praying for her to come. I don't know why I wouldn't get up and go to her. That was unusual for me.  But, that night I laid in my bed crying silently - and the next thing you know my mom was standing there.  She asked, "Are you okay, honey, I really felt like the Spirit was telling me to come check on you." It was those moments that reminded me God had not and would NEVER leave or forsake me. He was with me. Even in the moments of abuse and betrayal - maybe especially in the moments of abuse and betrayal...He was there and He was my comfort. He loved me every moment and pulled me close to His heart every moment I didn't push Him away.
You see, I KNOW that God is true. I KNOW that He will never leave me or forsake me. I know what He offers me. It is not if I can keep my nose clean enough - He will accept me. He has already accepted everything about me. He made me, and He knew me from the very beginning. He adores me. He has good for me when I am in sin and when I am not. There are consequences of sin. That is certain. But God's intentions towards me are always holy - and they are always good.
I know Him more than I ever thought I would. And, I still hardly know Him at all.
But, I know this: I know He is good.
He gave me my precious children - all of them. He is the giver of all good things. Sin and death have tried to take from me - God did not. My only hope is in the truth of the Gospel. My hope to see my mom, my sons and daughter who are in Heaven, and all of my friends and family who have gone before me is in the work of Jesus on the Cross of Calvary. There is so very much more I want to say here, but I know I have rambled on. This world is hard. It is not easy - whether you believe you are sinful or not. This world will deal out things that aren't fair... that are difficult. You have two options. You can feel sorry for yourself and become bitter towards God and the church, or you can decide (in your powerful mind) that life is choices. With God, you have the power to choose how you react to any and every situation. You have the power to get back up when life pushes you down. You have the power to be kind when others are hateful. You have the power to believe that God is for you - even when it looks like He might be against you. What you believe will determine who you become. Every choice you make will lead you towards becoming somebody you want to be - or somebody you don't.
Own your stuff.
Change you choices, and move forward. What you say about God doesn't change Him one bit. But what you believe about God has the power to change you more than any other single thing in the world. Talk to me - ask me - sit with me and let me tell you of the goodness of the God of the Universe. He doesn't need my endorsement - but He has allowed me to experience some things and I will tell of His glory. I will speak of His faithfulness. He is good. He sees me. He knows me and He loves me still. He sees you too, He knows you too, and He loves you too. Choose this day to believe that God is everything He says He is, and then watch how He proves it over and over in your life. So, my sweet friend, I love God the most. But, let me help you understand that the truth of that statement doesn't diminish one tiny little bit the love I have for all of my children. They are the most precious gifts ever to be given to me.
Love you all.  Thanks for taking time to read. I know I have a LOT of words!