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What a sweet morning to sit and be still.
Birds are chirping on my back porch. It is beautiful outside. I have the perfect mix of quiet, the Word, and just the right temperature of coffee... Indeed this morning it is easy to be thankful.
I haven't been here in a while. I have missed it. I have had so many things to say, but nothing worth saying. I have wrestled through so many emotions, and yet, somehow, it wasn't the right time, or space to put them in writing.
Next week will be three years since I lost my Jacob. 3 years.
This past week I have struggled some days just to function in a "normal" way. I have struggled just to breathe at moments when it all hits. I have grieved with several other families as I have seen their loss. Friends who are dear to me, who are going through unimaginable pain right now. And some who I only know through the Facebook posts of others. I know the pain. I remember like it was yesterday the moment when the reality hit that my boy was not coming back to me. He was gone. I remember my friend reading Scripture to me all throughout the day and night so that I wouldn't completely lose hope. Sleep was elusive. Sometimes it still is.
I am so grateful for the time I had my son on the earth. SO grateful.
What a gift God gave me in that child. What a gift for all who knew him.
In this past few weeks of loss and grieving with other families, I have realized what a gift it is to know how to pray - even though I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Truly, it is an honor for me to lose sleep in order to pray. I am asking the Lord to keep this alive in me for many months.
You see, many people will reach out right now to offer help, and just to be there for these families. But, in a few months time, it will be "old news". It won't be a fresh grief for those who mean well. Time heals for everyone but the ones who have experienced the loss first hand. The phone calls and the meals... the prayers and the offers to help will cease because it will be far from the minds of those who are directly touched by the loss every day. It is those times that I am begging the Lord to stir my heart to pray. I encourage you, if you know a family who has experienced deep loss... PLEASE set an alarm on your phone for 2 months from now. Set it as a reminder to call them, or stop by with something nice - and have time to talk about their loss. To them, it isn't something that happened a while back. It is something they woke up feeling this very morning. I urge you to reach out in 4 months, and 5 months - with a word of Scripture reminding them that God is for them, and not against them. I encourage you to pray for them weekly. No matter how "well" someone seems to be doing, I assure you when they have experienced loss - their minds alternate between truth and pain constantly. It is a battle not to lose hope or lose heart.
If I have any sweet friends who have experienced loss recently - or really ever - who are reading this, can I please take a minute to speak truth to you? Will you just slowly read and process these things with me?
1. God is good.
2. His love for you is pure and perfect.
3. He has not left you or forsaken you.
4. You will have days marked by joy, more than pain again.
5. You still have a purpose.
6. You will make it through this because God will not leave you, and He will not forget.
7. You are seen. Your tears matter. You are not overlooked or passed by.
8. You are loved.
9. You are known.
10. God will help you. He will draw near. He can handle your emotions- all of them, and He will not love you less because you struggle with fear, or hopelessness, or moments of dwindling faith. He will never pull back. He will never accuse. He knows your heart. He has felt this loss. He gave His Son... He handed Him over to suffer a horrible death - and He had to turn His face away. He couldn't watch or intervene - because His purpose was for you and me to be able to have fellowship - unbroken fellowship with Him. And there was only one way for that to happen. He knows your pain. He catches your tears in a bottle.
I rejoice today in the beauty of the day, even in the pain of these losses because this is a temporary life. This world, and all of its brokenness is fading. Eternity is coming. Jesus will return. This pain will end, and we have the assurance, the blessed assurance that God will complete the work He has started in us. He always sticks to His promises. Always.
