Thursday, March 8, 2018

Too much stuff... a few resolutions and True Love...

Friends, today I am fed up with having too much stuff.

I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff.  I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff.  What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere.  And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.

We need more time.

We need more space.

We need more silence.

So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.

This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year.  It just charges me up!

So, yes.  I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.

I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!

I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few.  Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.

I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook.  Hate it even.  But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans.  Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.

I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.

This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.

 It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes.  Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.

I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".

And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.

We don't mince words.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.

He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.

We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.

But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.

I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me...  "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."

Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.

Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE.  I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy".  But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.

That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!



I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!!  I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally!  Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.

My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.

Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!

This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul.  Ha!  I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.

I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.








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