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I looked up synonyms for Grudge - because this word almost defines his life. Bitterness, ill will, resentment and malice came up. All of it - yes. But, then as I scrolled down I noticed something.. the antonyms for grudge are: friendship, good will, happiness, kindness, respect, love, loving, sympathy, favor and forgiveness.
Astonishing. It seems like with this I have two choices (though really one choice that leads to life and peace). I can choose to hold a grudge and become bitter, hold ill will and resentments, or I can turn it over (again and again) to the One who knows all things. He knows where this one is lacking. He knows every thing he needs to heal. And, in the meantime, I can choose happiness, sympathy, and forgiveness - which in turn will bring me all the good things that God promises when we turn over our anger and hurts to Him and remember that vengeance belongs to Him. He sees. He knows. He is right. My feelings and brokenness get in the way... but by God's great mercy and grace I can choose to say to that mountain of HATRED - move!!!! - and the mountain will move. I can choose to say to that mountain of PRIDE - be thrown into the sea - and it will be tossed into the sea. God delights in our willingness to say we can't - because He knows He can and He is so ready to help those who call on Him for help.
This got me to thinking about all the things I haven't been saying right now. I have been so embarrassed by my Christian friends who are out there spreading hate in the name of Jesus. I have been so angry about the ones who group all people together as if they are one and the same in mind and actions and heart. Let me name a few...
Christians
(Any race) Black, White, Hispanic, Chinese, ANY AND EVERY RACE
Women
Men
Americans
Police officers
Politicians of a specific affiliation
I got to thinking about the brave men and women throughout history who have told us that Hatred always divides and NEVER WINS, and I have been thinking about a great book I read by Bob Goff that reminds us that LOVE WINS. The Bible says that love never fails. Never. God is not a liar. If He said it never fails, then I believe Him.
Friends, please hear this. It is okay to be angry. But, we are reminded not to sin when we are angry. For every injustice GOD SEES. For every hateful hurtful thing that has been done to you - whether personally or over time throughout your family generations, GOD KNOWS. And no matter what the color of your skin, the nationality you hold, GOD CARES. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.
To my Christian friends... please hear my heart. I LOVE the Word of God. It is my life. I do not diminish sin or try to change the Word to say something it doesn't (God help me!).
I am recognizing that when God says to humble ourselves and pray - he is not talking to the "lost" - he is talking to the CHRISTIANS. He is saying if MY PEOPLE who are called by MY NAME... so if you are preaching to yourself, yes, please continue to search your own heart and find the million little places you are not humble. Please keep seeking the face of God to break your heart - to listen and to try and have understanding. But, for the love of all things HOLY stop pointing at other people. If you post it on facebook in hopes that you are gonna convict that one sinner and lead them to repentance TAKE IT DOWN!! It does not honor God. This scripture is a call to look inward, not outward to bring conviction, or shame or any other thing. You are not anyone else's Holy Spirit. You don't get to humble other people. The only person you can humble is yourself. You deal with you and then let God handle everyone else. His resume is clear that He has the credentials to do that. Again, if you posted it to yourself as a reminder of your own wickedness and brokenness, by all means, leave it up there and even confess how you haven't been humble. But, if you meant it for someone else's eyes then you yourself aren't following the command therein.
From here out I am probably going to make a lot of people mad in this post. The thing is - I want to be the first to declare that I am BROKEN. I am not Jesus. I am not perfect and I do not have perfect understanding. I am sinful. I am prideful. I am stubborn. I get angry and I sin in my anger. I forget that loving people is the second highest calling (after loving God) sometimes and put myself before others. I am selfish and I am self righteous. I have sinned sexually more times than I care to recount. I have sinned by going to bed angry. I have sinned with my words, and with my actions. I am a mess. I have hurt others. I have stolen. I have lied. I have had a lot of wrong thinking that led to hurtful statements and I have committed all the sins that Jesus speaks to in the Beatitudes. So, these things I am about to say are not meant to JUDGE. I am the judge of NO ONE. These things are meant to bring together groups of people who are right now worlds apart.
When are we going to start seeing people as human - and more than that - as individuals?
When we are little kids at some point or another we probably heard that we are like snowflakes... no two are just alike, right? So now that we are grown ups - why do we try to put any two people- or worse yet a whole group of people in the same exact category? I am a wife and mom. I lost my mom to cancer. I lost my firstborn child and two others that never breathed one breath on the earth. My parents were divorced. I have been divorced twice. I have a political "affiliation". I am a sister. I am a step-mom. I am a friend. I can assure you that NO ONE'S experiences are exactly like mine. I can be sure no one on the earth knows how I feel or think about any particular thing at any given time. So, to say "all black people are...." or "all white people are... " or all police officers, christians, women, men, muslims, Americans, homosexuals, liberals, republicans, democrats, left wing, right wing.... you fill in the blank. What's in the blank in your mind. Be honest with yourself... you don't have to tell me. But, who do you lump into a category?
In the same house this week I have one that posted on social media that "if you don't love this country you are free to leave and you won't be missed" and I have one that says that "July 4th is a Holiday that celebrates only the freedom of "white men". Dear Lord help me. This is in my own home- and both of these kids need some understanding. How embarrasing. Not for them... but that I haven't taught them to use social platforms to be loving and to try to unify... not divide. For goodness sake they both need a little less judgement and a lot more love. Neither of those things sound like the thing that Jesus would say. Neither of those things are things that I personally have taught them. But, it is what they learned and it is my job to try and help straighten things out according to the Word of God.
I HATE CANCER.
I HATE SIN.
But, neither of those are people.
What would you think of me if I said I hate people who have cancer?
I surely don't hate people who HAVE cancer... not anymore than I should hate people who have sin (fill in the blank on your favorite sin here... adultry, homosexuality, abortion, pride, self righteousness). Jesus NEVER told us to hate people. He told us to hate even the clothes that are stained with sin. But He did not tell us to hate the sinner.
That's harder right? Look at the beginning of this very post! It's hard for me too. So, I get your anger. I get that it is hard sometimes to hate the sin and not hate the sinner. For heaven's sake, I have hated myself for my own sin probably more than anyone else. And when people are mean I have a really hard time not hating them as a person. That's just honest right there. I saw a shirt once that said "Mean people suck." I almost bought it. Almost.
I acknowledge that America is broken and we have a long way to go. I acknowledge that Black lives matter.
It is not any one person's problem, or any one person's fault that people who live in America are divided. It is all of our problems and all of our faults at some level. I am GRATEFUL to be an American. Most days I am proud to be an American and be lumped in that group, but we do have a lot of work to do to be United and Free - all people together. There are specific groups of people who HAVE been and still ARE oppressed. How can you go outside and not see that? Can you really not acknowledge that some people have to fight for freedom harder than others? Again, this isn't limited to just one group, or one color or one nationality... for heaven sake, but can't you see that there are large groups that have dealt with more - just as there have been individuals across all nationalities that don't make up any group. Let's talk about the sex trade. The countless women (and men) who have been abused as children and sold as sex slaves. The children who have been molested and oppressed and killed. These are not "groups" guys. These are PEOPLE. Every one of them had a name and a face and were created by the same Creator. Until there is a group of people that seek to Love God and then love others (and I'm talking 1st Corinthians type of love) there will continue to be oppression and hatred and division. So, I will end with this one Scripture passage and a few final words.
13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
So, my final thoughts for now are these. I am not ashamed of my kids who are getting it wrong. I just understand that we need to keep having the conversation about loving others. I am not mad at them (today) for sounding foolish, and I am trying to give myself grace for not having taught them earlier or better... we ALL need grace here. But, that is just it. We all need grace. We all need to be seen, to be heard and to feel known. We all need to love better and more often and according to the Love that is described above. That is the only thing that will change us as a country. But it won't change our country until it changes us as INDIVIDUALS. Please see people individually. And please recognize that we are all made by the same ARTIST.
My Christian friends who have gotten pulled into the divisive dialogues... please back out. Look up and look inward and pray hard. Don't tie Jesus with your judgement. You aren't Jesus, and no matter how much you have studied His book, you aren't the author. There is but ONE Lawgiver and Judge, and it isn't you (or me).
My black friends. I love you. I see you. I am hearing you. I am sorry for your hurt. I am sorry for any specific way that I personally have hurt you. (Please message me if this applies so that I am aware.) But know that I see you as an individual and not simply based on your skin. I love you for you - and not for the color of your skin or the groups you are associated with. And, I will try to do better and love more, and teach my kids to do the same as often as I can.
My friends that don't fall into those two groups (I hate groups... these are all people!!!) - please know if you are in my life you always have a safe place. I will tell you what I believe and I will call sin, sin. But, I will seek God's help to hear you even where we differ. I will seek God's help to love you right where you are because you are worth it. Please don't lump me into a group. Just let me be fully me, and I will try to let you be fully you - without judgement. Where we disagree, I will still try to listen. If we are close I will probably monitor my words less and be a little louder, because I love you and I am vested in you. But, if we are not close, I will try to just listen. I want to hear your pain and where you are coming from. But, please - really - search out whether you are personally being divisive or if you are truly trying to bring EVERYONE together through love. Sinful people make up groups. Good groups. Bad groups. All groups. I cannot change anyone but myself. I cannot control what others think of me. But I can be true to the One who can change me and who always thinks Holy things about me. I can love Him and seek His face and His counsel in every area I am lacking (which is pretty much every single area!)
Love and peace to everyone. Jesus came for you. Jesus loves you. Even if you hate... He loves. Even if you condemn - He is grieved, but He loves you.
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