The Language of Adoption

I never knew that there was a special language for adoption until we adopted. 

I think most people haven't been taught in their normal vocabulary that there is a secret language - a very special language for adoption.    I hadn't. 

I am not easily offended.  I have offended people (before we adopted) by my ignorance of this special language.  I didn't mean to offend, and some of the reactions I got were so defensive, I made up my mind that when we adopted, I would not be offended when people said things that didn't fit adoptive language.  What is the point of being defensive?  No matter what anyone else says or does, my daughter is no less my daughter.  I am convinced that God created her for our family.  He knew from before she was conceived who He would call to be her family.  Praise His name that He chose us.  But, nothing anyone says can change that.  I like to take opportunities to educate people instead of being angry with them. 

A little about our story:
I have always love adoption.  When I was 6 I told my mom that I wanted to adopt a baby when I got married.  God had set it in my heart as a little girl, with no real life experience - but it was there and it was strong.  As Ken and I dated, we discussed wanting a large family.  We had talked a lot about adopting before we ever got married.  We had no idea if we would even be able to have biological (a key adoptive word) children- but either way, adoption was set in our hearts.

13 and a half years into our marriage and 4 biological children later, God brought our daughter to us - this daughter that had been set in our hearts for many years - was brought to us through another woman's womb.  The whole idea of it is stunning.  Our birth-mom (another key adoptive word) could have chosen many things.  She could have chosen abortion.  She could have chosen a member of her biological family to try and raise the baby for her.  She did not have the option of raising our daughter herself, but any way you cut it, it was by the Grace of our Marvelous God that we have our daughter.  The Creator of the Universe crafted her - inside another woman's womb - specially for our family.  I can post later more about the way it all came to be, but it is a miracle that she is here - and it is a gift from the Lord that she was made to be our daughter.

Back to the language lesson:

As I said, I determined long ago not to be offended when people don't know the right words to use.  How are they supposed to know?  But, there was an event that tested my ability to be graceful in response to ignorance.  It was the look, the tone and the way that the statement came out more than anything.  Very loudly, and very condescending - a woman looked straight at me (right in front of my beautiful curly headed girl) and said, "So she's your adopted daughter, but he's your REAL son."  Oh wow.  Jesus help me.  For the first time in this area I had a very strong urge to do something entirely un-godly.  I wanted to punch her in the mouth.  How dare she!  My daughter is 2 years old... but the way she said it - the tone - as if my daughter wasn't real because she wasn't biological.  Whew.  It was a tough moment. 
It was not the first time someone had used the word "real".  I believe that may have even been the word I used when I offended the lady (very unintentionally and with love of adoption in my heart).  But, this was an attack on the validity of her as a person - as my daughter.  My blood pressure came down about an hour and a half later.  I am not kidding.  It was a tough thing for me.  So, here it is...  the "adoption dictionary" for anyone who wants to know...

Adoptive parents - the very "real" parents who God created to love and raise the precious baby that was grown in another woman's womb. 
Biological children - the children born to any parent that comes from their own bloodline.
Birth-mom - the woman God chose to biologically help create and carry the precious baby that is placed for adoption.
Birth-father - the man who biologically contributed his "seed" to help create the life of the precious child.

Words to avoid:
"real" - as if adoption makes them fake... or somehow not a true child...
"put up for adoption" or "given away" - no matter what your preconceived ideas are of birth-moms in general - it is never natural for a birth-mom to place her child in someone's arms to raise them.  It is painful.  It is hard.  In many cases, birth-mom's choose abortion because somehow ending the child's life seems more loving to them than "giving their baby away".  

I have many more things to say about adoption.  I love it.  As a child of God, I was adopted into His Kingdom.  I am a true child of God.  Adoption is not less - not in any stretch of the imagination.  But, this will conclude our adoption "language lesson" for today. 

For more about our personal story - you can visit www.skinnyonthesimmons.blogspot.com and click the links on adoption that start in November of 2008.  Thanks for reading!