Catching up...

In my mind I have written three posts in the past month.  Ha!  There are so many things I want to chatter about today.  But, I don't have all the time I would need to do that!   I'm gonna give it my best, though...

First of all, Michael and I have a new daughter!  Whew.  She is amazing, and beautiful... but a whole lotta work.  :)  I wouldn't trade these small days for anything though.  I just remember how much time it takes now.  Time away from my husband.  Time away from my other kiddos.  Time that I would have spent looking like a normal human - with make-up and nice hair, and clothes that actually fit.  But, again, I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Cynthia (Cindy for short) is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen.  She is stunning.  And we are all more than a little crazy about her.

I will be honest.  I am completely taken with this little girl.  Just as I have loved, and been enchanted with all of my children.  I absolutely LOVE being a momma.  But, I need to clarify something that is very precious to my heart.  Having a sweet new baby does not for one second lessen the pain of losing my almost grown up, man-boy, Jacob.  He was an amazing son.  If anything, there have been more tears fall from my eyes knowing what an awesome big brother he would have been to Cindy.  I can't explain what that is like.  To know his mannerisms... to know how much he would have loved her and loved on her.  To know what kind of help he would have been to me... good grief...  there are no words fit to describe that loss.

This year while decorating the tree we all felt the depth of our loss again.  It was a sweet time, but in the midst of the sweetness, there was GREAT PAIN.  Mia was grabbing ornaments out of the box... and as I watched her, she held one and got very still.  I knew instantly it was a picture of Jacob.  Tears stung my eyes as I saw the pain on my little girls face.  Jude couldn't hold back the tears.  None of us could.  We just hugged and cried.  Every ornament that had his name on it shouted to us that he was absent.  The pictures of him from the time he was little to the time he died... well, it was so HARD.   

While we celebrate new life in our home, and the Christ-child who came... we also grieve the loss of a life (here on earth), a child, a brother, a friend... we grieve that he is not here to graduate from school this year.  We grieve that he will not know Cindy on this side of heaven.  And we press forward.  Not loving our new sister (and daughter) any more or any less... but, holding her a little closer knowing that our time here is not guaranteed.  Knowing that these moments... no matter how hard, are fleeting.  Knowing that one sweet day our King will come to get us and take us HOME.  That is our hope, and there are days that the HOPE of that truth is the only motivation we have to keep going.

If you know loss - and especially if it has been recently - I pray that you too will cling to the HOPE of what is coming for those of us who love Christ.  When everything else feels like it is falling apart, when the darkness sets in around your mind and your heart... please don't forget that you are SEEN.  You are not alone.  You are understood perfectly.  Your pain, your tears and your heartache are not overlooked.  You are KNOWN.  And, you are LOVED.  Even when you don't understand... just keep believing that you are not forgotten.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.