Hang in there

This morning is crisp and quiet. 

I don't hear the birds or see the movement of life all around me. It is just silent. 

This year has been so hard for so many of you. Pain and loss have come. Sometimes making it hard to breathe. Kindness is hard to find, and equally hard to give. The love of many is growing cold. Hurt comes in, darkness... loneliness grips at your heart and you are scared, tired and depressed. You spend much of your time wishing this life would just get easier, or things would start to "go your way". You look around and others are struggling too, but no one quite understands you. Not in this moment. You smile, you press on. Sometimes you let people you trust know. Sometimes you let the whole social media world know. But, most of the time, you hold your hurt like a blanket - that is supposed to comfort you, but you find it brings a strange sense of comfort and pain - all mixed up together. 

Friends, there is a better way. 

Life is not easy. Loss is suffocating and the pain comes in waves. But there is more to life than this pain. If I can give you any encouragement, hear this one thing. There is more. There is a God who loves you. There is a God who sees you and cares for you. There is a God who weeps with you and is filled with compassion - to the point that He catches every one of your tears in a bottle. He knows you. He wants to draw you near. It is okay if you are angry. It is okay if you are angry with Him. It is okay if you are questioning why. It is okay if you are wrestling with trust and faith and everything around God being good. But, I promise you, He is. He is good. He is altogether lovely and He has a good plan for your life. Please know that the accuser will come to try and steal your comfort. The devil will come and accuse God and His goodness. He will say that "if God loved you, then he would have......" But, don't fall for it. This pain, these lies will only send you further into despair. You must fight to believe the truth, and you must surround yourself with those who are safe. Those who you can share your pain, your doubts, your fears with - and know that they will not try to judge you, or preach you back to "normal". There is no normal to be had here. God did not intend for the world to look like this, to act like this. Normal was a beautiful Garden, filled with light and love and beauty and no pain. We are all so aware that normal is gone. Not just in the last few years, but ages ago... the beauty and fullness of life was stolen from the earth. But, there is more. There is a place where beauty is alive and life doesn't end in tragedy. There is more. There is a time coming when all will be restored. The earth and its people will be restored and renewed. Laughter and love and peace will be everywhere. Isn't that what we long for? Tell me one thing that you dream of, one super power you wish you had... and I tell you that Heaven will be more. It will be better. We are yearning to be in eternity. We are yearning to leave this life of pain and get to the place we were created for. 

But, there is work for you to do. Believer, we are here because we are not yet finished. If you know the deep love of the Father, and the saving love of Christ, I am begging you to be a light to those around you in darkness. If you know any comfort from being in His love, lay down judgment and pick up mercy. Lay down your comforts and pick up love. No more bickering. No more slandering. No more division and back-biting. Drop it all. Pick up compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as you have been forgiven in Christ. And over everything else, put on LOVE, which binds the rest of these in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of ONE BODY you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12) It is time for the church of God in Jesus Christ to be known for love. It is time for us to stand together and bring hope to a hopeless time. Please, lay down those things that are causing you to sin and to mistreat others, and pick up your true identity in Christ. 

Friends, even if you have never trusted God, even if you have never asked Jesus to save you from your sins, I am imploring you to try something new. This week, every time you lean towards despair, say out loud, "Jesus, come." He is so full of compassion. He is so full of love. He will always come when you call on Him. If you let Him, He will draw you close and carry the pain with you. He will not leave you alone in your despair. People will fail you. Some people will say stupid things. Some people will think judgmental thoughts. But, Jesus will not leave you. He will not fail you. He will listen and He will respond in kindness, in compassion and in tenderness He will comfort you. If you want to know more about Him - read about Him in the Bible. Pick it up and read from the Psalms, from John, from Romans... go to someone you know who prays and who you admire, and ask them to share with you what they believe and why they pray. There is hope to be had here. There is peace. There will be days ahead filled with joy and laughter. Please ask God to show Himself to you. To reveal His love for you. He is a good God. Even when it hurts. Harming you was never His plan. The one who is set on harming you will be brought to justice. In time, all will be set right, and in the meantime, Jesus will be a comfort to anyone who seeks Him. He beckons you to come, all who are weary and heavy laden. He will give you rest. 

Much love today and always, 

Christy

When the clouds reflect my heart...

The day I first penned this was a special day. It was gloomy outside. Overcast. The clouds felt heavy with rain, but there was a hint of light, of sunshine somewhere buried underneath.

My heart felt much the same way.
22 and a half years ago I became a Momma for the first time. I had NO idea what that meant for me.
I had no idea I could love another human that much.
I had no idea I had that much fear living in me. I wanted him here so badly, but as soon as he was 2 days old I panicked in my mind thinking I felt like he was safer inside. I was terrified to drive him anywhere. He was so fragile. He depended on me for literally everything. It is overwhelming and beautiful and scary and humbling.
I had no idea that at 18 months he would change into a completely different human for 2 and a half years.
I had no idea that at 4 years old my little angel boy would return.
I had no idea that at 8 years old he would test every rule and boundary all over again.
I had no idea that at almost 12 years old everyone would tell me, "Just wait til he's 12" with much trepidation in their voices.
I had no idea that at 12 my boy would make me the proudest mom in the world as he proved everyone wrong. He wasn't rebellious and difficult. He was helpful, respectful, and protective and loving.
I had no idea that the time I had with him was coming to an end so quickly.
I had no idea that just 3 years later my whole heart would be shattered.
I had no idea who the God I served really was. In truth, I still don't. But, I know Him more, and I know He is good.

On the outside I am holding back the tears, much like the clouds withhold the rain. I suspect that at some point today the flood will come. I will sit and ponder my Jacobs precious life and the gift it was to hear him call me Momma. There are days that I force myself to enter into the hard places. I force myself to stare death in the face and feel for a bit the ugly emptiness we have (on the earth) in it's wake.

I have learned so much over my lifetime about the process of grief. It is a process, and it is different for everyone. I was so young when I lost my mom (just 2 weeks past my 17th birthday) and I felt lost. I didn't know who I was. I did think I knew who God was, but I didn't know how He could help me. I forced myself to work, to move, to keep pushing forward because in the silent places the pain seemed like it would consume me entirely. Ten years later the Lord brought a beautiful young girl, Michelle into my life. She was only 6 months into her grief journey.  She had lost her mom, and her pain was so fresh. It is crazy how the Lord used her to bring healing to me in so many ways. I was supposed to be helping her through her grief, but I am convinced that she helped me more.

Just when we need it, when we are ready, God will allow the pain to come through - and He promises not to leave us alone in it. He sits with us. He feels with us. He has compassion on us. He is faithful and close while we are in the middle of our suffering.

Busy can be our friend, and busy can be our enemy. But, you cannot possibly sit in the grief you feel as a mom that has lost a child for too long. It would completely consume. It would devastate in ways that I cannot describe. So busy is often a small remedy that offers little long term, but much in the moment. 

I have more than one friend who spent their first Christmas without their child. The child they loved and sang to. The child that made them a Momma - for the first time - or joyously again. These Momma's will sit and tears will fall. They will cry out. They will ask how more than why.... how can I push through the pain and dread... the suffocating reality that someone important is missing? How can I get up, and move forward? How can I paste a smile on my face and take the next step? How can I hold the truth that God is loving even in this place? How can I trust Him when I feel so utterly disappointed and let down? How do I hold the Truth that He could have stepped in... He could have intervened and He said no? And yet, no other has been so patient. No other has been so consistent. No other has proven I am seen and heard and loved the way my Jesus has. No one has been there in the deep grief as this One. The Lord our God, the Lord is One. He is Yaweh. He is Emmanuel. He is Yeshua. He is Peace. In the utter chaos of the grief stricken mind... He comes in - His light breaks through the darkness and He whispers "I am here with you. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. My mercies are new. My way is best. And I adore you." He reminds me that there will be a day of Hope. There will be a day where all things will be made new. This One has stepped into an earth full of pain and hurt and chaos and has offered to restore and redeem the most broken parts of our lives and our stories. During Christmas it is time to remember that the Hope we have is not grounded in anything that is tangible here. It is rooted in the One that cannot be uprooted. 

Now we usher in a new year. Ahead we have 365 opportunities to live in a loving way, with ourselves, and with others. If I could, I would usher a challenge to the whole world. I would ask everyone to take 2 minutes every day, right as they wake up, to pause... to look up to Heaven and ask God for his help and a revelation of His love to them, individually. If we only knew how much He longs to comfort, He longs to bring healing and comfort in the midst of the pain, it would change literally everything. Today I am asking that you would know Him more deeply than ever before - and for those of you who reject God and His gift - Jesus, I pray you would come to know Him. That you would be open to the love and the healing He has for you. Life as a believer is not easy, or dull, or free from pain. But, there is no place more comforting than the arms of Christ. Truly, nothing compares to the great love that He has for you, and for me. 

May your new year be blessed, not with stuff that fades and things that will bring temporary pleasures, but with a Hope that is unshakable, with a Peace that passes all understanding, with a Joy that cannot be stolen, and Faith that leads to a remaking and a renewal of your soul. 

Much Love, 

Christy

thoughts on hope

Today I have thought of a thousand things. Actually more I would imagine. I am contemplating the things in life that are true of this day.

People have been born today. People who will be great and people who will seem to lead lives of insignificance.
People have died today. Families are grieving and life as it was will never again be.
People are celebrating anniversaries, and people are mourning losses from years past.
People are achieving great success in business and others are losing everything.

It reminds me of Ecclesiastes (and by weird association, the movie, Footloose).
There is a time for everything under Heaven. Today your time may look different than mine. In fact, it is quite likely that it looks differently.

But there is one thing that is constant. For this day, this minute, this year and for all times past and forevermore, God loves. He does not change. He is the only thing constant in this ever-changing world. He carries the seasons, both in nature and in our lives. He carries Truth and Justice and Love - perfectly. He is not off balance or fickle. He is utterly other-than. Holy and full of grace.

Today I have thought a lot about HOPE. Everyone needs hope. Everyone.
This month and this week particularly, I need hope. But, I need hope with a capital J.
We spend most days avoiding pain in every way we can. We want to do good on our quiz, have a productive day at work, leave a good impression... we want to celebrate and enjoy and have fun. We bristle at the thought of hard days. Days when all of the things just don't go well. The days when we feel sick, or we just look yucky, or we are overwhelmed by everyone's demands over us. Those days don't end screaming - there is hope! They end with a sigh and a "good riddance" in our hearts. But true hope is found only in Jesus. Today we talked about Jesus a great deal. He is actually one of my favorite persons of interest. This God-man who left eternity and everything good to join us in the depravity of life on earth fascinates me. This one who we sing about - conquering death and giving us victory over sin and the grave. Some days I find it easier to believe that He conquered the grave more easily than I can wrap my mind around the fact that He finished sin in me. He forever paid my debt and took on my shame. My shame. What kind of a man would do this? What kind of a Father would volunteer His baby Son to live that life?

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son. That whosever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."  John 3:16 

For some reason today those words grab me in a new way - and I am so thankful. I have known that verse by memory since I was 4. I have believed that verse with my whole heart since I was 4. But, today, it makes my mind full of wonder.

Jesus conquered death. Those songs that speak of "O death, where is your sting?" I believe them - and on some days I can sing them loudly from the depths of my soul. But some days I feel so deeply the sting that death has left in my heart- and I forget that life eternal is real. I forget that the God-man paid the ultimate price so that my momma and my son would not have to know the sting of death. They only know the peace of life eternal. And, that brings me hope. Eternity is well, forever. So, though this life is filled with pain and tears and loss and death, I know that eternity is coming. And when it gets here - with all of its renewal and restoration - it will be better than anything I could've asked for or imagined.

Eternity feels so distant - and yet - it is only a breath away. Just a blink and a minute and all of life as we know it will cease to be. It's a staggering thought, really.

Live this day as if it were to be your last. Treat people like they are dealing with something bigger than you know, because they likely are. Love well and say kind things often. And, when you are short on hope, take a moment to be still and ask for the reality of eternity to take root in your heart, mind and soul.

Thanks for stopping by.
~ Christy

One of many

I have had so many things stirring around in my heart over the last few weeks. 

Due to the random nature of writing (composing a draft while the idea is fresh), I take what I can... a scrap piece of paper, a voice note to myself, my journal or even the back of an MLS listing and write as many of my thoughts down as possible when all the words come to the surface.  It seems to grab a hold of me at times that may not be the most convenient to come and sit down at my computer and just get typing.

Because of this, I am going to be posting several chats in a row, maybe all today. Lots of thoughts about lots of things... and all just got me stirred up in some form or fashion. 

So, this is fair warning... I hope you have a minute to sit and stay a while. Grab a warm cup of coffee and join me for a little time to ponder some heart things... it is my joy that you join me here. 

Post 1: 

Valentines Day was a month and a half ago. 

Some of you just got all giddy (butterflies and all) and some of you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way, you probably have some type of strong response. Maybe you have been so hurt by this day that you have turned off all emotion towards it at all. You have shoved it all down deep and refuse to acknowledge the day in any way, shape or form. 

My pastor was teaching last month about the Shape of Love. The question of the message was this, "When your life is shaped by love, what does it look like?"

You know, I have strong feelings about what it does look like and what it absolutely doesn't look like. I used to be so bitter about this Holiday in particular. I HATED it. When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really know how to love, it can be super confusing and painful. One day a year to be told you are loved or valued and 364.5 to be treated like you are worth nothing. Or every day you hear what you want to hear but all of the words are meaningless because they are never followed up by action - or worse yet, the actions prove out a completely different thing than love. 

Ouch. 

Christians preach the message that the Ultimate love comes only from one source. I happen to agree 100% with this teaching. However, I would say so many of these Christians (myself included) have at times been some of the most unloving people on the planet. In what they believe is true Christian love, they pound you with their theologies of works and their questions (intended to make you look inside and adjust something to "please" God more with your life), or they shun you or ban you or speak out strongly against one sin theme or another, but ultimately, they just create confusion about the TRUE Gospel.

Ouch again. 

Let me give you an example or two. 1. Homosexuality. 2. Abortion. 

You wanna talk about some HOT TOPICS. And "the religious" everywhere make a ridiculous mess of something that is SO SIMPLE. They go on and on using their social platforms to put down entire groups of people they do not know or care to understand in the name of "Christianity". That is not like Jesus, it isn't Christian, it is RELIGION. The religious are who Jesus condemned... not the sinners. Sheesh. The ones who had all of their checklists checked off - these are the ones that were so blinded to their own mess that Jesus called them a brood of vipers. 

Yes, I believe that homosexuality is sin. Sex outside of marriage = sinful. 
And I also believe:
Stealing paper clips from work is a sin. 
Billing for hours that you didn't actually work is a sin. 
Gossiping in the name of prayer requests = sin
Cheating on your taxes.... you guessed it... sin. 
That little "white lie" = sin. 
The selfishness you just showed your spouse = sin. 
Glancing lustfully at that billboard, or movie star, or person walking by = sin.
Losing your temper with your child because you are stressed out = sin.
Abortion = sin.
Cussing when you stub your toe = sin.
Drinking until you feel tipsy = sin.
Neglecting the Sabbath day = sin
Your arrogance in not being able to pinpoint any particular sin in your life = sin (just to spell it out, the sin of self-righteousness and pride is lurking, my friend). 

All of this... and many many more are why Christ had to come in the first place. Just because we have made some sins socially acceptable doesn't mean that we see like God.

What did Christ do with the sinners? What did He do with the woman caught in adultery? While the Pharisees were ready to stone her to death, He drew a line in the sand... He asked for the one without sin to cast the first stone. He demonstrated to the religious that their sin stunk to high heaven... just like hers.
In this past few years I have experienced an intense level of  Pharisaical judgment brought about by my own sin and the sinful response of those who felt more holy than I am.  

A lot of people leave the church altogether over things just like this. They assume God is the same as the people who are claiming to represent Him. 

I love God. I need community. I need other Believers. There are many many churches full of people who know how to love you through sin (Christlike) rather than hang you out to make an example of you. Being an instrument to bring shame is something the Devil does. Desiring to love and restore someone is the very merciful heart of God. 


Oh how I am thankful to God that He is so unlike man. 

Don't get me wrong. There is a Biblical recipe for someone caught up in sin. There is a process that is described for one who is set against God.  But, I would tell you, not one person who on "wise counsel" shunned me, knocked on my door or came to me in person.  Not one. Not one person who gave counsel to shun me had knocked either. Do you think that Jesus was pleased with this? Do you think this was loving?  

Oh mercy. Jesus forgive them, for they know not what they do and help me forgive them too. 
Jesus forgive me because I have been just like that myself. 


**sidenote** two people did come knock on my door. They did it the right way, and God bless them, they honored God in their coming. 

My point is this. Christians should be all about showing the love of Christ. Out of everyone, we should know from the depths of our soul what God has released us from, and God forgive us when we forget it... when we reach a place where we think we are so "cleaned up" we forget why we need a Savior in the first place. When you reach a place that you think you've got it, you really don't have anything at all. You can speak in the tongues of angels and be a loud gong... nothing but an annoyance. My Facebook feed is full to the brim of loud and clanging symbols. I have filled my own feed with clanging. Where is the LOVE?
Your normal "Christian" may not be anything like this loud mouthed (or loud on Social Media) friend or co-worker. What if there really are Christians who understand they are sinful too, and that their poop stinks just like yours? 

The world really does need love. There is but one lawgiver and judge. If we are to call ourselves Christians, let's get out of His way and be the hands and feet that He created us to be. Our condemnation of any act or group - no matter how sinful - does not prove how loving we are. It tells a completely different story about us.

Let's let our lives be marked by the way we love. Let it be marked by the way we spend ourselves on behalf of the weak, the poor and the ones who need Hope and Truth. Let's feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Stand beside the broken. Let's love. 

If you get all worked up over the gay and lesbian lifestyle, maybe Jesus is calling you to befriend someone who is in that lifestyle and LISTEN to them without judging them. Maybe if you get all worked up over abortion you should go volunteer some time at a place where you can be around the women who make up the majority of those who get abortions. Maybe you need UNDERSTANDING. Maybe you need to eat with sinners. Maybe you need to sit before God a bit and ask who you have hurt by your judgement and your clanging Facebook page. Maybe you need to show love and leave the judgement to the only One who can rightfully hold that position. 

When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket LOVE is the only thing that will help. Love SURROUNDS itself with hurting people. And with that, I will leave this post and head over to a whole new topic in the next week or so... 

Peace my friends. Peace and love from this broken sinner straight to you. 

Too much stuff... a few resolutions and True Love...

Friends, today I am fed up with having too much stuff.

I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff.  I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff.  What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere.  And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.

We need more time.

We need more space.

We need more silence.

So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.

This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year.  It just charges me up!

So, yes.  I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.

I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!

I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few.  Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.

I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook.  Hate it even.  But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans.  Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.

I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.

This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.

 It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes.  Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.

I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".

And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.

We don't mince words.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.

He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.

We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.

But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.

I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me...  "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."

Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.

Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE.  I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy".  But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.

That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!



I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!!  I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally!  Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.

My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.

Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!

This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul.  Ha!  I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.

I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.

Be angry and do not sin.

"When you are angry, wait. Stop, sit, don't move! Anger is a catalyst that stirs us into battle. Most of the battles that anger will draw us into fighting are not worthy of our blood."
                                                                              ~  The Cry of the Soul
                                                                  (Dan Allender and Tremper Longman)

My heart is stirring tonight. There is much inside that the Lord longs to heal. Things long broken that need repair and restoration. I am angry. I want to tear down and lash out. I want to pound my fists and scream hateful words. I want to expose falsehood and frankly, just let everything come to light - in my time. But, these words... these timely words are helping me to see that anger is indeed a catalyst, and one that my enemy loves to use to get me to places of despair or discouragement - or worse yet, engaged in a battle that is certainly not worthy of my blood.

I can't imagine that anyone who loves people as much as I really do could feel this way. But all the emotions are there, and I am forced to deal with them. I will not stuff them down, or push them aside. I will face them. I will be angry, and by God's grace alone, in my anger I will not sin. I will forgive. I will ask for God's heart - and His eyes of mercy and pray to have eyes of mercy. I do not want to be merciful. I want to pursue justice. I do not want to forgive. I want to lash out and say hurtful things. I am filled with all sorts of things that would never really make me feel better.  And so, I will wrestle it out with God. I will have my fit in His full view. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I will pound my fists into the ground and ask Him, "why".  He has no duty to answer me. But, it is safe for me to ask the question. He has no obligation to act in a time frame that I am comfortable with, and I am okay with that. Because He made me, and He sees. Bless His holy name, He sees.

I wrote the above statements several nights ago. 

I was indeed crying and asking for answers. And God, in His great kindness supplied me an answer that far exceeded my situational understanding. His answer, you ask?  Well, it is my joy to share.

He spoke this truth ever so softly into my heart and gave me the grace to accept it. There is nothing more precious to God than redeeming and restoring the souls of men. And in that statement, which He set gently into my heart, was my answer. All men, no matter how desperately evil or bad they are. No matter what great sins they have committed and will continue to commit. He LOVES to redeem. He LOVES to restore.  Simply because He is love. My comfort (reputation, financial situation, etc...) is not His priority. Don't get me wrong. He loves me - adores me, even. But, He gave His firstborn Son, His only Son, for the souls of men. So, while I don't like pain, or suffering, or anything of that sort... He is worthy of my affections even during the times that are painful, and if He so chooses to use me and my discomfort in a way that will bring men closer to Himself, then who am I to argue? If I want the heart of God, (and believe me I do!) then I must be willing to change my thinking. I must fix my eyes on that which is most important and not turn them aside. He will heal everything that is broken in me in the meantime.

I whispered back to Him, "I believe you. I believe your Word. I believe that you are with me. I believe that you see me. I believe that you have protected me, and continue to protect me. I believe that you are good and that you desire good for me. I believe that you have never left me. You have never forsaken me. You have been beside me through every season, in spite of my sin, and you love me just the same. I believe that you will provide all that I need in just the right time, and in fact have already provided it. I believe because my situation does not determine the truth. Your truth will determine the outcome of my situation."

I felt like for a minute, I got it. I had heard a secret that was too good not to share. I believed. I remembered His Word, "... blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." John 20:29. Yes God, I believe you. I choose to believe you. In a moment's time that morning, peace absolutely washed over me. I knew. I believed all over again.

Not even an hour later, that very same morning, my phone rang with an opportunity that may very well be God's best answer for me right now.  I look forward to seeing what His plans are with me. I am filled with hope, not because I know what is coming, but because I know who He is no matter what is coming. 

His Word tells us that the rain will fall on the righteous and the unrighteous. Good people have good things happen - and good people have bad things happen. There is no promise for a life without pain in the Word of God. But, there is a promise that even if He doesn't answer you in your time, or in the way you desire... He loves you and He will not leave you in that darkness. There is a promise that one day there will be a world without pain. Everything will be redeemed. Everything. All of my brokenness will be made whole. Every sickness will be vanquished. Those who cannot walk will be able to leap and run. Those who cannot see will have perfect vision. Everything that ails us on this earth will be done. He will redeem it all! He is coming back for us and we have reason to HOPE.

Hope... ahhh hope. I feel another post coming on... but will leave you with this one final thought.

If your life, right now, is not what you expected it would be. If it is not going according to the plans you made when you were a child dreaming of the future, I ask you to stop and evaluate a few things. Life is choices. You are where you are largely because of the choices you have made over the last 5, 10, 15+ years. I know, believe me I know, that some things are outside of your choices. But, for the most part, you are where you are because of your own choices. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15+ years (if you are given that many)? What choices are you making today to get there? I cannot sort my life into what I can do without God and what I need His help for. I would never want to say that I do that... but I do! Let me challenge you to believe God, and ask for His help with everything. Realize that maybe you don't have all the answers and you need some help from someone who has the bigger picture.  Really believe that He has good things in store for you. He loves you and He sees you. If you allow Him to direct you, while I cannot promise "easy"... I can promise the He will not change. He will not abandon. He will be faithful.

If you have no belief because you can't believe in a God that would allow "_________________" to happen. Or, you can't believe He is good, because a good God would have "_______________" .
Fill in the blanks with what you think.

I want to tell you, He is good.

My parents were divorced when I was young.
My mom died when I was 17. 
I was in an abusive marriage. 
I was divorced. 
I lost my oldest son. My firstborn... my precious Jacob. 
While in the depths of my grief, I was remarried and in an even more toxic marriage.
I had two miscarriages (one at 12 weeks and one at 24 weeks)
I lost friends, finances, and even health.
I was divorced a second time.

I carry shame. Jesus says put it down, He already carried it for me.
I carry pain. Jesus says, lean into Me, He will give me rest.
I carry scars. Jesus shows me His hands and feet and reminds me that His wounds will heal mine.
I carry guilt. Jesus says lay it down, it is no longer mine to bear.

God is not sitting up there waiting for you to clean your life up so that He can use you. He is waiting on you to see your need for Him so He can comfort you... so He can set you free... so He can bind up your wounds. I know it makes no sense to believe in that which you cannot see. But, I am telling you there is power when you believe the right things about God. There is strength and peace and hope.

If you don't have enough strength to believe.... borrow some from me. I get it. I have been in the dark places and by His grace, He has helped me to believe. He is good, my friends. He is good.

Colossians 1:13-14  "For He has rescued us and has drawn us to Himself from the dominion of darkness, and has transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption [because of His sacrifice, resulting in] the forgiveness of our sins [and the cancellation of sins’ penalty]." (Amplified Bible) 

Oh MERCY!!

"There is an entire group of people stuck in their growth because they cannot receive the revelation that God delights in MERCY. So when they pray, they bargain, they try to earn, but they don't receive..."

~ Allen Hood (IHOPKC.org)

Join me on the journey I am taking.  The tag line of my blog mentions finding truth... Friends, I have heard it all. Some would say that the answers can all be found if you look deeply inside yourself. They say that everything you need is within yourself. They encourage you to continue to make yourself the focus of your life.
Don't get me wrong.  You need to be healthy, and therefore you must spend time finding out what things are good for you (life-giving) and what things are life taking... toxic people, toxic thoughts, places that take more than they give to you.  But, ultimately, there is but one thing that we need.  This world needs Jesus.  Not the Pharisaical teachings. Not the demands of the law. Not the religion that makes you focus on yourself as much as these teachers that would have you look within yourself to find truth and healing... We NEED Jesus.  There is but one answer in this world of brokenness and pain, but we are missing it because of all the distractions.  We are distracted by false teachers, we are distracted by those who (like Saul) love God and are zealous, but have no true understanding of how much they need Grace and Jesus and MERCY (in short, they have forgotten the true Gospel and exchanged it for a points program at which they feel they are excelling).

I desire mercy over sacrifice... (Matthew 9:13, 12:7 and Hosea 6:6)

Three things: act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

To the merciful I will show mercy... (Psalm 18:25, 2 Samuel 22:26)

Eyes of mercy.. eyes for mercy... oh Jesus, help us.

Some will surround themselves with teachings because their itching ears want to hear... but some pastors are so focused on taking down these other teachers... that they themselves have lost sight of the ONE THING... the Gospel.  They have become experts at pointing out the mis-teachings of every other one that they have failed to see their own mis-teachings. They have allowed the rule, the law, the commands to become more important than the One that came because NO ONE could be saved by following the law.  No One could live up to the standard. Friends, there is not one who is righteous.  NOT ONE, so how is it that anyone is supposed to find life by killing themselves to follow the laws.  Jesus help us.

When I get confused I simply have to remind myself to look to JESUS.  Often I have to remind myself because many around me want to keep pointing me back to the law.. to the rules.  But, there is LIFE in Jesus.  There is HOPE in Jesus. He offers what no man can... eternal vision.
He sees it all.
He knows it all.
He loves.
He makes Himself strong in our weakness.
We cannot preach people into Heaven.  We cannot change the world with our rules and our tearing down of other people.
We must love the way Jesus did.
Yes, that means sometimes with a hard truth, but ALWAYS and supremely more valuable is the LOVE with which we share those truths.  Some people think that the truth itself is loving, but I will tell you that God calls us to repentance through his kindness... not the beat down.

Oh friends, there is so much pain. So much hurt.  So many good causes to give to. So many people who need help and love and life and truth. So much of what we do is for NOTHING. What are we doing? How are we making a difference in this broken place? Are we just in a rut and working and living every day like this is all there is? Are we using social media to blurt out all of the ways we are offended by that which we perceive to be something other than truth according to ourselves? Are we really bringing anyone closer to God - or showing the love of Christ in that?  I don't care which side of the issue you are on.  If you love your stance more than the people on the other side of the debate you have LOST FOCUS my friend.  How do we have the kind of vision that Jesus has?

How do we make our focus the right focus?   Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. It is the only way.  When we focus on our own thoughts, wisdom and actions - and compare that to those of others we are deceived ourselves. Jesus is the only thing worthy of our attentions and affections.  When we have our view right, we can be of help to others. but, when we allow our teachings, our truths to become our lens through which we see the world, we have lost sight of that which is the BEST thing.  The only thing worth living for.

Christians beat up other Christians in the name of trying to "make sure they are saved". But, what it looks like to the world is not love or truth. It looks like arrogance and flat-out meanness.  I have lived both sides of this thing. I have been the one so full of self righteousness that I couldn't see the own log in my eye. When God revealed it to me, I had several people to make apologies to... and by the Grace of God they forgave me and now we have restored relationship.  Praise God.  At one time (and certainly still in many ways)  I had minimal understanding of the depth of the brokenness of this world and how it can affect someone. I have been distracted by Satan and focused on everything that wasn't Jesus instead of everything that was.
Jesus is the answer. I want to live in a way that honors God, but I am HUMAN. I am reckless and I am broken, and I am selfish and as much as I would like to have all of those things just purged from my life, I know that the process of purging is painful, and on this side of heaven I will not come to the end of my sinfulness.  I just won't.  Otherwise, why would I need the Gospel at all? What would Jesus mean to me if I could attain it on my own? (and please, my beloved Pharisee, don't throw at me 1 John 3:9)

The sermon on the mount was not Jesus' way of showing us that there were more rules to follow. He was showing us that we are absolutely incapable of meeting the standard. If a man (or woman) even glances at another's beauty lustfully, he/she is an adulterer.  If a man/woman hates another man/woman, he/she is a MURDERER.  Yet, all of the Pharisees would have you believe that they are not murderers and adulterers.  Oh how you are deceived!!  You who think you have found some level of holiness that the "broken" rest of us haven't found.  I know that in your mind you really do just want for people to understand the utter relief of holiness. Because I have tasted and found that the beautiful God and Jesus of the Bible are the most wonderful thing. But, I also have tasted the sharp disappointment that comes with life here on this broken earth. I have had many doubts and questions for my Creator as I have been told so many things in light of my sons sudden death. The opposite of faith is not doubt... Not according to Scripture. The opposite of faith is sight. Faith is believing in that which you cannot see. Not seeing everything. My doubt is pushing me to dig into the Scriptures in ways that I haven't in some time. I am not doubting that God is who He says He is.  I am doubting that God is who some of the teachers of my life have taught me He is.  He has been in this box. And, I am asking Him to take me deeper, to take me to a place that I understand who He is the way that Moses did.  I want Him to cover me with his hand and show me His glory.  No teacher of the law can explain to me who that is. I want to hear him, as Job did, even in the midst of correction when He rebukes him and says, "were you there when...? do you know how...?". No!  Gloriously, no!  I don't know... I don't see... but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that He does.
That is enough.
He hasn't made a mistake.
He hasn't given up on me (or you).
He isn't disappointed that he chose me (or you). And he is not mad that I am asking questions.

He loves to reveal Himself to me. And I love to find Him. I wish everyone who reads this could feel the freedom to talk with God as your friend. Jesus said that we are no longer his enemies but his friends. I am silly enough to believe that.  And I am able to be who I really am when I am with  my best friends. I don't have to pretend, or clean up.  I am just me, and that is enough.

Praise God He sees me as His beloved. He has changed my name, and No One on the earth can re-name me.  His word is all that matters. His thoughts towards me are all that matter. It is not within myself that I will find the answers. It is in Jesus that my answers will come forward. He will speak to me from the storm, in the bush.... however He desires and I am praying for a heart that will be willing to hear what He has to say.

For now, this is my mantra to myself daily.  Love God, love people, and simply, Jesus.

Peace and love to you, my friends.

And, always... if you need a friend to chat with, I am here for you.

~ Christy

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.