Too much stuff... a few resolutions and True Love...

Friends, today I am fed up with having too much stuff.

I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff.  I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff.  What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere.  And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.

We need more time.

We need more space.

We need more silence.

So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.

This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year.  It just charges me up!

So, yes.  I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.

I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!

I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few.  Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.

I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook.  Hate it even.  But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans.  Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.

I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.

This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.

 It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes.  Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.

I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".

And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.

We don't mince words.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.

He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.

We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.

But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.

I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me...  "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."

Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.

Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE.  I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy".  But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.

That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!



I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!!  I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally!  Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.

My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.

Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!

This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul.  Ha!  I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.

I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.

Oh February...

I feel like a crazy person. Grief can do that.

The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.

It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.

It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess.  But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me,  in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom,  tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.

Oh momma.  Oh Jacob. How I ache to the depths of my soul for the day when all things will be made new.

I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".
Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.

I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all.  I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak.  I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.

He is enough.

He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.

I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.

I will lean in today.

I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.

And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.

My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.

Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.

To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."

Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.

And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.


Much love,
Christy

Somewhere over the Rainbow

I have always loved the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".

Wishing upon a star... clouds far behind. Blue birds flying - troubles melting away.  Dreams coming true.

If we are being truthful, I think we all long for a place that isn't right where we are sometimes. It is those days that push us to the limits of what we think we can bear. The days where every light is red, and every meeting runs long, the kids are fighting and for some reason your head just aches. Every time the phone rings it is bad news and you just wish for a moment that you hadn't even gotten out of bed.  Those days come for all of us.  Sometimes those days seem like they will never stop coming. One hard day after another for weeks, and sometimes even years.

The wintertime of the soul.
Bleak.
Grey and so disappointing.
Disheartening to the point that you forget what the point really is.

I have been there. Day after day so dark that I couldn't remember that good days ever were. Every day waking to wonder in what way the enemy would try to tear me apart today. Fearful of what means he would use to try to send destruction to my life. Oh I am thankful to be out of that season. It seemed like it may never end. At every turn there was judgement and pain and confusion. Some of those days I could muster up a pep-talk for myself.  I could tell myself the truths I grew up on:
God is good.
He will never leave me.
He is not mad at me.
He is not punishing me because He is disappointed in me.
Love never fails.

But, some days I couldn't even make the thoughts stick, much less come to any sort of belief in them.
If you are reading this and you are in this winter season all I can say is I am sorry. Oh how I wish there were a magic formula to pull you out from that place. I wish there were words that would grab your heart so deeply that you could believe with all that you are that God is for you and not against you.  He has not hidden himself. He does not delight in your sorrow. But, I know well that words are futile in this place, and I am so sorry.

And yet, for me, today the clouds seem to be clearing away... not far behind me (yet), but I can see the sun is poking out again. It's warm rays are beaming down and wrapping me up like a cozy blanket. Oh how I have missed that! It is strange. The darkness is near enough that there are days I still want to retreat and listen to music that invites the sadness to come close and the tears to fall. Yet, the sun is beckoning me to come out and remember joy. What a strange place.

I stopped by the cemetery a few days ago.  I will be honest.  I don't do that much. My Jacob isn't there, and personally for me, I am not closer to his memory there either.  It is just the way I am wired. I would rather snuggle the blanket that he loved dearly and be in my own home - the home I was raising him in. But, today, I just wanted to stop by. It was a beautiful day and it was good for me to go. I remember choosing the verse that would be on this stone. I remember the desperation of it all. The weight of picking out the clothes and the pictures and what would be engraved and even the font. Every detail was important because my boy was so very important. Anyway, the sun broke through the clouds and I just thought it was God's little reminder that He is there.  In the heartache, He is there. In the good times, He is there. In every season of the soul... He is with me.  Such a sweet God. Such a good Savior.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

He has given me the assurance that He won't give up on me. He will work it out to completion. Of course the level to which I cooperate will determine a lot along the way. But, isn't it nice to know that He won't give up? I love that I can put confidence in that. Because it is very dissimilar to placing confidence in myself. I am well-intentioned, but oh so human. If I had to rely on myself for everything, I would be in trouble. And, without doubt, every time I rely solely on myself I get in trouble.

I flew recently and actually had the distinct pleasure of flying over a rainbow. It was interesting to look down on a rainbow instead of looking up at it. It wasn't glorious or more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, but it instantly triggered the lyrics to the song in my mind and I smiled a wide smile and let my thoughts drift to dreams I would dare to dream. Even in that, there is a breath of fresh air. Dreaming can be so good - as long as you are willing to snap back to reality in due time. Ha! I am not sure what season I am in. I still look over my shoulder for the enemy's attack... but I am pressing forward knowing that today I have something strong and secure to lean into even if the attack does come. Faith is confidence of things hoped for - and an assurance of that which we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) Faith is what holds me secure in the trials - and what gives me hope when all seems to be going well.

I liked flying over the rainbow. I liked dreaming of dreams. I like the idea of clouds being far behind me. Today has not been the easiest of days. I call it a deep breath in, deep breath out kind of day. But, I just keep breathing and remembering that all things will be worked out for good, even though in the middle it is hard to see how. And I am so thankful that eternity will be a place with no more worry or tears or pain... just love and peace and a beautiful, holy God that made the way for me. I hope you have that peace and hope in your heart today. If you are in that season of darkness, message me so that I can pray for you. You are not alone, and you should not feel alone! We were not made to try and figure it all out on our own, or to try and test the limits of our strength. We were made for community and sometimes that is messy... but it is so good when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with SAFE people.

I will leave you with a sweet blessing that my friend Mary always says to me when we part. Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

Be encouraged today that God sees you, and have a heart of gratitude for even one thing that you can see in your life that is good.  Gratitude is sweet medicine to a weary soul.

Much love my friends!
~ Christy

Become.

What is your pain today?

That thing that has taken hold of your heart and it won't let you go, no matter how you writhe to get out from under it's suffocating grasp?

What is the voice in your mind that tells you that you'll never be enough - or you are just TOO MUCH?

Where are you just aching today?  Is there something inside that just screams out "THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!!"

I am.  This morning, I have such a heavy heart.  Pain is everywhere.  It is unavoidable.  People spend much time, energy, and money to keep themselves from pain.  And yet, pain will find them, it will search them out - and it will crush every defense they thought they had.  Now, stay with me, I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer".  I am getting around to hope.  Just hang with me for a minute.

We all build walls.  We all wear masks.  We all say what other people want us to say.  How many times in just one day do you lie to people when they ask you "Hey!  How are you?"  Almost always, "Oh, I'm fine...  and you?"  We are just trying to be nice.  They are just trying to be nice.  There is nothing essentially wrong with that.  But, I'm not talking just about the casual stranger.  I am talking about your friends.  Those that should be beside you to shoulder your burdens with you.  How many times do you really let them in on your fears?  How often do you open yourself up - getting really vulnerable?

I tend to spew my fears, my thoughts, my dreams... kind-of everything out to whoever wants to sit long enough to hear them.  So, here it is this morning... some of the deep stuff of my heart.

I long to worship.  Really worship.  When I saw "The Rend Collective Experiment" video for Build your Kingdom here - I wanted to drop everything, pick up my kids and find out where they are going next.  I want to go with them.  Now, I know that it isn't all campfires and cool instruments.  There is sweat, tears, travel...  pain... but the joy - the joy to worship with a group of like-minded people.  To travel and tell of the wonders of God's love and faithfulness...  it stirs something in me that I can't run from!  I want to sing always and forever of God's love and beauty.  (Sounds so cheesy right, and yet something in you must be stirred up like this is stirred up in me). 

I long to write and to read, and to sit with the Lord day after day and then share (maybe just one person at a time, or ten, or ten thousand...  I don't care the number) what the Lord is doing... what He is teaching.  How He is reaching my heart that constantly retreats from pain. 

You see, everyone is broken. 

I am.

People are praising me right now for the way I am handling the death of my son.  They put me on a pedestal in their minds.  They think they could never handle what I am going through in the way that I am handling it.  But, while, my heart has been sincere...  every Scripture posted to FB, every blog entry has been straight from the deep places in my heart... people don't see the broken parts - the sinfulness in me.  These things are not as visible...  and one thing I know about pedestals is that people come tumbling down - and the higher up they are put, the further they fall - and the more it hurts when they hit.  So, I am asking you to take me off that pedestal.  Apart from God's grace - I am wretched, pitiful, blind, poor and naked.  Really.  It is God's grace that keeps me upright.  It is God's grace that keeps bringing me back to center.

In my flesh: I am an adulteress.  I am selfish.  I am prideful.  I am full of lust and greed.  I am broken.  I am bitter and I am mean to people who hurt me.

But, because of Christ, and only by God's grace, I am clothed in righteousness.  I am full of peace and hope.  The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  I have access every day, all day long to all the beauty of Christ.  When I operate in it, people want to put me up high - in this lofty place.  But, I want to tell you that apart from God's grace - I cannot operate in it!  It is not me - it is Christ in me that is my hope of glory.  Over and over again I am realizing the deep truth of that.  I am human.  I am frail.  I am hurting.  I am desperate.  I am weak.  But, because of the Great I Am, I don't have to operate from those places.  I can lean on Christ's strength.  I can ask for His joy.  I can ask for His power to help me in every place that I am failing.  But, in my own strength, and in my own power, I am nothing.  I am just as wicked as any individual that has ever walked the face of this earth.

Today, I just want to be free from the labels that are put on me.  I want to be me.  Broken, but beautiful.  Unlovable, but fully loved.  Poor, but so very rich. 

Today, will you practice with me taking a few of the walls down?  Let someone you trust inside - to the deep places.  You will be hurt.  But, there is so much freedom in tearing down the walls... in becoming who you were meant to be regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.  There is so much freedom in realizing that you will hurt, but you will heal!  Everyone will hurt whether they want to or not.  So, instead of fighting it, and pretending (even to yourself) that you are invincible, take your guard down and face the hurt.  Once you have turned and looked it full in the face, you can begin to heal.  You can take a step towards becoming who you were meant to be.  God made you amazing.  God has a plan for your life.  It is a good plan.  Filled with love, loss, pain, joy, tears and laughter.  He doesn't promise an easy road.  But, He promises never to leave us all alone.  He says He will never ask me to walk through something that He won't be right beside me through.  Don't run from your pain anymore.  Today, make a decision to really look it in the face.  Really find the root of the hurt, the bitterness, the pain... and pull that thing out!  Then, turn to the Healer.  The God of the Universe that wants to bind up your wounds.  He wants to hold you while you cry.   He wants to carry the pain with you and for you.  Trust me on this one.  He longs to be everything you need if you just call on Him.  He is near.  He is pursuing you.  He wants to heal you - make you whole.  But, you have to face that brokenness.  You have to search out the pain - until you find the source, and then it must be dealt with.  I would beg you not to try to search it out on your own.  Invite God to search it out with you.  He knows you, inside and out.  He sees you, and He hears your cries.

May grace and peace go before you today. Don't miss out on one more day of the YOU that God created you to be.  Today, I exhort you to become.  Become everything that you were meant to become.  You are not your mom.  You are not your dad.  You are not your older siblings, or your younger ones.  You are uniquely YOU!  That means, one choice at a time,  you choose to be you - broken and beautiful.  Sinful and selfish.  But, longing for the righteousness and the holiness that God created you to walk in.  Because, the answer when our souls cry out that there has to be more -  is that there is more than this.   For every believer in Jesus Christ, there is much more than this.  Our hearts know that this broken world can't be all there is.  We were created for so much more.   If you haven't trusted your heart to Christ, because you:
* are skeptical
* have met too many mean and angry Christians
* can't make it make sense
* think to trust Christ means to start being judgemental
* are scared
* are scarred from your past
* can't believe in a God that allows so much pain in the world while being all powerful

Let me say this one thing.  I'm sorry.  I am sorry for the pain that has been brought to you through Christians, through the church, through the depravity of the world.  Becoming Christians doesn't make us perfect.  And, I am sorry for the people who have in their Spiritual pride made you believe that we have something that makes us better.  We don't.  Becoming a believer is about finally realizing that we are the most broken ones.  We are the ones that knew (at one time or another) that we needed saving.

People who are well don't need a doctor.  People who have it all together don't need Christ.

But, if we are honest, there isn't anyone really standing in the "have it all together" place.  No matter what it looks like on the outside.  Inside, they are falling apart.  Christians aren't better.  We just have hope that God hasn't and won't ever give up on us.  Not because we have done something great.  But, because He did something great.  I'm sorry for the people that have made that seem like we are more - I'm sorry for being one of those people too.  Sometimes, because we are human, we act stupid.  I'm just sorry for the picture it paints, and I am sorry for the way(s) it has wounded you.  Please forgive me and my fellow believers for being judgmental.  For being prideful.  For being selfish.  For still being human.  Don't disregard my God, my Jesus, on account of my being human.  Search Him out for yourself.  In the quiet of this moment.  Ask Him to be exactly what you need.  While we will hurt you and let you down - He will always be faithful.  Gandhi said it right, "I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  They are so unlike Christ."  Forgive us for not being like Christ.

If you are a Christian that thinks you are better, that thinks you do have it all together.  I exhort you to look deep into the heart of Jesus.  Ask yourself why He did what He did.  Ask yourself how you ended up in the place of the Pharisee.  And, then lay it down.  Remember the "you" that knew you needed a Savior.    Then, go out and offer the Truth to anyone who knows they are broken and need saving too.  

Become.

Brave little one...

I suppose it is time that I share publicly that we have no shortage of trials right now.  But, I would be remiss to omit that I am NOT losing heart.  God is so very faithful.  You see, my circumstances don't get to dictate if that is true or not.  That is true, it is up to me whether or not I want to believe it. 

We had to take Mia to the ER a few weeks ago for a seizure.  It was very minor.  She felt it coming on - and she was such a brave girl.  We had a CT scan done, and they had great news - there is nothing in her brain (no tumors or growths) that are causing her to have seizures.  We scheduled an EEG the next week for more extensive testing.  She was such a good girl.  She did everything the nurse asked her to do.  I am so proud of her - she was nervous, but she wasn't showing it in outward ways.    This was her second seizure.  In four years, 2 seizures is a very small number.   I noticed during this EEG test, when she was blowing the pin wheel, she stopped blowing and looked very blank.  It occurred to me that she couldn't do it anymore, but then she "came to" again and continued to blow.  Her results came back showing there was an abnormality in relation to the hyperventilation test.   When my doctor called me, I wasn't shocked, but I was sad.  As a mommy, I want to protect my kids from everything that is hard.  But, that isn't what God has asked of me.  I do not get to keep them from the hard parts of life.  I get to teach them how to navigate those hard things.   We will go to a neurologist this next Thursday to get a better explanation and create a plan to make sure she gets everything she needs. 

I have no words to describe the depth of love in my heart for my daughter. 

All of my children are treasures from Heaven.  I am honored to be their mom.  I am blessed beyond measure.  And, I say with full assurance that my God loves them all more than I do.  I know with all of my heart that this is true. 

He knit my Mia together.  There is nothing hidden from Him.  That includes the way her body operates.  He sees and knows it all.  The peace I have in my heart knowing that her life is not in my hands, or the hands of any person is beyond comprehension.  Her life is now, and has always been in the hands of my Faithful God.  The creator of the Universe.  He is fully able to restore her.  And, He adores her.  I do not know if she will need any medication, now or ever.  I do not know what things we will need to adjust or what things we will need to monitor more closely.  I know that epilepsy can most times be fairly well controlled with medicines. 

But, just having this come up stirs something deeper inside of me.  None of us are guaranteed health.  None of us are guaranteed life this day or the next.  None of us.  We do not control what comes into our lives on a grand scale.  We can only choose how to respond when things come up.  I want to respond with full out trust of my God.  I want to wholeheartedly respond with worship.  Because, I also know that He has every right to take any of my children home with Him at any time.  They are all on loan to me from Him.  It is my job to raise them, protect them from harm, and teach them to honor Him with their lives.  But, I have no control.  I do not get to choose which battles they will have to fight in this life, and I certainly can't control the choices they make as those battles come.  I simply have the privilege to teach them what His Word says is best.  I have the honor of relaying His faithfulness to them each day, whatever may come.  I trust Him.

Hear me when I say I trust Him.  With all of our lives, with everything in our lives.  He will not fail us.  He will not let us down.  He works everything together for our good.  Everything.  So, as you think of us... as you see that picture of my brave little girl, please pray that we will have opportunities to love on other people who are struggling through hard times.  Please pray that we will rightly reflect the power and love of God to us - so that others may find the peace that passes understanding in their own hearts as well.  We have a gift in this.  We have a gift to share with others.  I know that God will provide everything we need to get through this just like every other thing that comes into our lives that we didn't ask for.   

(Un)Faithful

One thing that God will not allow me to forget over the past few weeks is this:

His faithfulness to me does not depend on my faithfulness to Him.  (2 Timothy 2:13)
His love towards me is not dependent on anything I do. (Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:10)
His approval of me is established forever by the blood of His Son. (Eph 2:13; Hebrews 9:15)

Therefore, there is nothing more I have to do ever - to gain His approval or love or affections.  Ever.  Can you believe that?  I mean it, really, can you let that sink in for a minute?  Nothing you do - or don't do *after you have accepted Jesus as the sacrifice for your sins* changes God's mind about who you are! 

Your righteous acts are as filthy rags.
Every gift is from Him.

You become nothing - and gain everything. 

I love the paradigm shift.  I love how opposed to this world that is. 
I have to "do more" becomes,  "He did it all for me already".
I have to "be more" becomes, "Be still and know that I am God".
"Look out for number one" becomes "Fix your eyes on Jesus".

It is terribly difficult to look at things you cannot see.  To find treasures in darkness (Isaiah 45:3).  To unlock the mysteries of the Word.  But, by the Holy Spirit we are able to do such things.  God shares His secrets under the right circumstances. (1 Cor. 4:1; Psalms 25:14 (NIV) ) 

There is true freedom when you realize that you cannot change God's mind about you.  When you allow Him to change your heart - He gives you a new one - and forever and ever you belong.  You are His.  You cannot be taken away.  You cannot lose His love.  Precious peace beyond all understanding is yours for the taking - knowing that you are finally enough.  Your life matters because it matters to God. 

I cannot express what it would do for your whole outlook on life if you could really understand how the Creator of the Universe loves you.  If you could just for one minute embrace it.  Don't take my word for it - take His!!  Pick up the Book right now and search out how much He loves you.  Go to Biblegateway.org and type in unfailing love....  just see what He says about His love for you.  I am overwhelmed again at His plan.  It is so contrary to man's.  But, it is so beautiful. 

I am so in love with Him.