Oh February...

I feel like a crazy person. Grief can do that.

The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.

It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.

It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess.  But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me,  in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom,  tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.

Oh momma.  Oh Jacob. How I ache to the depths of my soul for the day when all things will be made new.

I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".
Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.

I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all.  I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak.  I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.

He is enough.

He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.

I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.

I will lean in today.

I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.

And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.

My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.

Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.

To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."

Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.

And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.


Much love,
Christy

Brave little one...

I suppose it is time that I share publicly that we have no shortage of trials right now.  But, I would be remiss to omit that I am NOT losing heart.  God is so very faithful.  You see, my circumstances don't get to dictate if that is true or not.  That is true, it is up to me whether or not I want to believe it. 

We had to take Mia to the ER a few weeks ago for a seizure.  It was very minor.  She felt it coming on - and she was such a brave girl.  We had a CT scan done, and they had great news - there is nothing in her brain (no tumors or growths) that are causing her to have seizures.  We scheduled an EEG the next week for more extensive testing.  She was such a good girl.  She did everything the nurse asked her to do.  I am so proud of her - she was nervous, but she wasn't showing it in outward ways.    This was her second seizure.  In four years, 2 seizures is a very small number.   I noticed during this EEG test, when she was blowing the pin wheel, she stopped blowing and looked very blank.  It occurred to me that she couldn't do it anymore, but then she "came to" again and continued to blow.  Her results came back showing there was an abnormality in relation to the hyperventilation test.   When my doctor called me, I wasn't shocked, but I was sad.  As a mommy, I want to protect my kids from everything that is hard.  But, that isn't what God has asked of me.  I do not get to keep them from the hard parts of life.  I get to teach them how to navigate those hard things.   We will go to a neurologist this next Thursday to get a better explanation and create a plan to make sure she gets everything she needs. 

I have no words to describe the depth of love in my heart for my daughter. 

All of my children are treasures from Heaven.  I am honored to be their mom.  I am blessed beyond measure.  And, I say with full assurance that my God loves them all more than I do.  I know with all of my heart that this is true. 

He knit my Mia together.  There is nothing hidden from Him.  That includes the way her body operates.  He sees and knows it all.  The peace I have in my heart knowing that her life is not in my hands, or the hands of any person is beyond comprehension.  Her life is now, and has always been in the hands of my Faithful God.  The creator of the Universe.  He is fully able to restore her.  And, He adores her.  I do not know if she will need any medication, now or ever.  I do not know what things we will need to adjust or what things we will need to monitor more closely.  I know that epilepsy can most times be fairly well controlled with medicines. 

But, just having this come up stirs something deeper inside of me.  None of us are guaranteed health.  None of us are guaranteed life this day or the next.  None of us.  We do not control what comes into our lives on a grand scale.  We can only choose how to respond when things come up.  I want to respond with full out trust of my God.  I want to wholeheartedly respond with worship.  Because, I also know that He has every right to take any of my children home with Him at any time.  They are all on loan to me from Him.  It is my job to raise them, protect them from harm, and teach them to honor Him with their lives.  But, I have no control.  I do not get to choose which battles they will have to fight in this life, and I certainly can't control the choices they make as those battles come.  I simply have the privilege to teach them what His Word says is best.  I have the honor of relaying His faithfulness to them each day, whatever may come.  I trust Him.

Hear me when I say I trust Him.  With all of our lives, with everything in our lives.  He will not fail us.  He will not let us down.  He works everything together for our good.  Everything.  So, as you think of us... as you see that picture of my brave little girl, please pray that we will have opportunities to love on other people who are struggling through hard times.  Please pray that we will rightly reflect the power and love of God to us - so that others may find the peace that passes understanding in their own hearts as well.  We have a gift in this.  We have a gift to share with others.  I know that God will provide everything we need to get through this just like every other thing that comes into our lives that we didn't ask for.