Hang in there

This morning is crisp and quiet. 

I don't hear the birds or see the movement of life all around me. It is just silent. 

This year has been so hard for so many of you. Pain and loss have come. Sometimes making it hard to breathe. Kindness is hard to find, and equally hard to give. The love of many is growing cold. Hurt comes in, darkness... loneliness grips at your heart and you are scared, tired and depressed. You spend much of your time wishing this life would just get easier, or things would start to "go your way". You look around and others are struggling too, but no one quite understands you. Not in this moment. You smile, you press on. Sometimes you let people you trust know. Sometimes you let the whole social media world know. But, most of the time, you hold your hurt like a blanket - that is supposed to comfort you, but you find it brings a strange sense of comfort and pain - all mixed up together. 

Friends, there is a better way. 

Life is not easy. Loss is suffocating and the pain comes in waves. But there is more to life than this pain. If I can give you any encouragement, hear this one thing. There is more. There is a God who loves you. There is a God who sees you and cares for you. There is a God who weeps with you and is filled with compassion - to the point that He catches every one of your tears in a bottle. He knows you. He wants to draw you near. It is okay if you are angry. It is okay if you are angry with Him. It is okay if you are questioning why. It is okay if you are wrestling with trust and faith and everything around God being good. But, I promise you, He is. He is good. He is altogether lovely and He has a good plan for your life. Please know that the accuser will come to try and steal your comfort. The devil will come and accuse God and His goodness. He will say that "if God loved you, then he would have......" But, don't fall for it. This pain, these lies will only send you further into despair. You must fight to believe the truth, and you must surround yourself with those who are safe. Those who you can share your pain, your doubts, your fears with - and know that they will not try to judge you, or preach you back to "normal". There is no normal to be had here. God did not intend for the world to look like this, to act like this. Normal was a beautiful Garden, filled with light and love and beauty and no pain. We are all so aware that normal is gone. Not just in the last few years, but ages ago... the beauty and fullness of life was stolen from the earth. But, there is more. There is a place where beauty is alive and life doesn't end in tragedy. There is more. There is a time coming when all will be restored. The earth and its people will be restored and renewed. Laughter and love and peace will be everywhere. Isn't that what we long for? Tell me one thing that you dream of, one super power you wish you had... and I tell you that Heaven will be more. It will be better. We are yearning to be in eternity. We are yearning to leave this life of pain and get to the place we were created for. 

But, there is work for you to do. Believer, we are here because we are not yet finished. If you know the deep love of the Father, and the saving love of Christ, I am begging you to be a light to those around you in darkness. If you know any comfort from being in His love, lay down judgment and pick up mercy. Lay down your comforts and pick up love. No more bickering. No more slandering. No more division and back-biting. Drop it all. Pick up compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as you have been forgiven in Christ. And over everything else, put on LOVE, which binds the rest of these in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of ONE BODY you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12) It is time for the church of God in Jesus Christ to be known for love. It is time for us to stand together and bring hope to a hopeless time. Please, lay down those things that are causing you to sin and to mistreat others, and pick up your true identity in Christ. 

Friends, even if you have never trusted God, even if you have never asked Jesus to save you from your sins, I am imploring you to try something new. This week, every time you lean towards despair, say out loud, "Jesus, come." He is so full of compassion. He is so full of love. He will always come when you call on Him. If you let Him, He will draw you close and carry the pain with you. He will not leave you alone in your despair. People will fail you. Some people will say stupid things. Some people will think judgmental thoughts. But, Jesus will not leave you. He will not fail you. He will listen and He will respond in kindness, in compassion and in tenderness He will comfort you. If you want to know more about Him - read about Him in the Bible. Pick it up and read from the Psalms, from John, from Romans... go to someone you know who prays and who you admire, and ask them to share with you what they believe and why they pray. There is hope to be had here. There is peace. There will be days ahead filled with joy and laughter. Please ask God to show Himself to you. To reveal His love for you. He is a good God. Even when it hurts. Harming you was never His plan. The one who is set on harming you will be brought to justice. In time, all will be set right, and in the meantime, Jesus will be a comfort to anyone who seeks Him. He beckons you to come, all who are weary and heavy laden. He will give you rest. 

Much love today and always, 

Christy

When the clouds reflect my heart...

The day I first penned this was a special day. It was gloomy outside. Overcast. The clouds felt heavy with rain, but there was a hint of light, of sunshine somewhere buried underneath.

My heart felt much the same way.
22 and a half years ago I became a Momma for the first time. I had NO idea what that meant for me.
I had no idea I could love another human that much.
I had no idea I had that much fear living in me. I wanted him here so badly, but as soon as he was 2 days old I panicked in my mind thinking I felt like he was safer inside. I was terrified to drive him anywhere. He was so fragile. He depended on me for literally everything. It is overwhelming and beautiful and scary and humbling.
I had no idea that at 18 months he would change into a completely different human for 2 and a half years.
I had no idea that at 4 years old my little angel boy would return.
I had no idea that at 8 years old he would test every rule and boundary all over again.
I had no idea that at almost 12 years old everyone would tell me, "Just wait til he's 12" with much trepidation in their voices.
I had no idea that at 12 my boy would make me the proudest mom in the world as he proved everyone wrong. He wasn't rebellious and difficult. He was helpful, respectful, and protective and loving.
I had no idea that the time I had with him was coming to an end so quickly.
I had no idea that just 3 years later my whole heart would be shattered.
I had no idea who the God I served really was. In truth, I still don't. But, I know Him more, and I know He is good.

On the outside I am holding back the tears, much like the clouds withhold the rain. I suspect that at some point today the flood will come. I will sit and ponder my Jacobs precious life and the gift it was to hear him call me Momma. There are days that I force myself to enter into the hard places. I force myself to stare death in the face and feel for a bit the ugly emptiness we have (on the earth) in it's wake.

I have learned so much over my lifetime about the process of grief. It is a process, and it is different for everyone. I was so young when I lost my mom (just 2 weeks past my 17th birthday) and I felt lost. I didn't know who I was. I did think I knew who God was, but I didn't know how He could help me. I forced myself to work, to move, to keep pushing forward because in the silent places the pain seemed like it would consume me entirely. Ten years later the Lord brought a beautiful young girl, Michelle into my life. She was only 6 months into her grief journey.  She had lost her mom, and her pain was so fresh. It is crazy how the Lord used her to bring healing to me in so many ways. I was supposed to be helping her through her grief, but I am convinced that she helped me more.

Just when we need it, when we are ready, God will allow the pain to come through - and He promises not to leave us alone in it. He sits with us. He feels with us. He has compassion on us. He is faithful and close while we are in the middle of our suffering.

Busy can be our friend, and busy can be our enemy. But, you cannot possibly sit in the grief you feel as a mom that has lost a child for too long. It would completely consume. It would devastate in ways that I cannot describe. So busy is often a small remedy that offers little long term, but much in the moment. 

I have more than one friend who spent their first Christmas without their child. The child they loved and sang to. The child that made them a Momma - for the first time - or joyously again. These Momma's will sit and tears will fall. They will cry out. They will ask how more than why.... how can I push through the pain and dread... the suffocating reality that someone important is missing? How can I get up, and move forward? How can I paste a smile on my face and take the next step? How can I hold the truth that God is loving even in this place? How can I trust Him when I feel so utterly disappointed and let down? How do I hold the Truth that He could have stepped in... He could have intervened and He said no? And yet, no other has been so patient. No other has been so consistent. No other has proven I am seen and heard and loved the way my Jesus has. No one has been there in the deep grief as this One. The Lord our God, the Lord is One. He is Yaweh. He is Emmanuel. He is Yeshua. He is Peace. In the utter chaos of the grief stricken mind... He comes in - His light breaks through the darkness and He whispers "I am here with you. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. My mercies are new. My way is best. And I adore you." He reminds me that there will be a day of Hope. There will be a day where all things will be made new. This One has stepped into an earth full of pain and hurt and chaos and has offered to restore and redeem the most broken parts of our lives and our stories. During Christmas it is time to remember that the Hope we have is not grounded in anything that is tangible here. It is rooted in the One that cannot be uprooted. 

Now we usher in a new year. Ahead we have 365 opportunities to live in a loving way, with ourselves, and with others. If I could, I would usher a challenge to the whole world. I would ask everyone to take 2 minutes every day, right as they wake up, to pause... to look up to Heaven and ask God for his help and a revelation of His love to them, individually. If we only knew how much He longs to comfort, He longs to bring healing and comfort in the midst of the pain, it would change literally everything. Today I am asking that you would know Him more deeply than ever before - and for those of you who reject God and His gift - Jesus, I pray you would come to know Him. That you would be open to the love and the healing He has for you. Life as a believer is not easy, or dull, or free from pain. But, there is no place more comforting than the arms of Christ. Truly, nothing compares to the great love that He has for you, and for me. 

May your new year be blessed, not with stuff that fades and things that will bring temporary pleasures, but with a Hope that is unshakable, with a Peace that passes all understanding, with a Joy that cannot be stolen, and Faith that leads to a remaking and a renewal of your soul. 

Much Love, 

Christy

Oh February...

I feel like a crazy person. Grief can do that.

The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.

It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.

It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess.  But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me,  in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom,  tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.

Oh momma.  Oh Jacob. How I ache to the depths of my soul for the day when all things will be made new.

I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".
Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.

I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all.  I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak.  I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.

He is enough.

He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.

I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.

I will lean in today.

I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.

And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.

My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.

Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.

To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."

Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.

And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.


Much love,
Christy

I am not alone...

The title for this post came so easily.

I am not alone.

The Truth residing in those words is all we have to hang on to some days.  It is true.  No matter which days it doesn't feel true.  God's Word is true, and it is true when we feel it, and true when we do not.

I thank God for His grace to believe that - because it is only by His grace I do.

This past month has been something difficult to understand, something difficult to put into words.  Have we all felt that way?  Haven't most of the days become overwhelming?  Haven't we wearied ourselves with work and with worries to the point of forgetting that this earth is not where we will be forever?  Haven't we taken up residence here as if this is all there is?  I am tired of living that way.  I am tired of living as if this earth and all it has is all that will be.  How pitiful if it were.

Thank God, friends.  There is much more.  There is a crystal river that flows from a throne.  And those who have trusted Jesus for eternity will never grow tired or weary, or thirsty or hungry or sad again.  Not ever.  Not in the presence of that river, not in the light of eternity.

On Wednesday this week, we had a Dr. appointment.  Just a regular check up.  Our baby boy has been so active - and so seemingly healthy, growing inside.  It was our (almost) 6 month check up.  Last month his heartbeat was elusive.  We had to get the ultrasound machine to verify that he was just a wiggly booger, and that it was nothing worse.  Moments later we heard that sweet sound.  We saw his sweet body.  We knew he was okay.  This month, it was a repeat.  The baby's heartbeat was not to be found.  In came the ultrasound machine, and I laughed a little at how this boy was giving us a run for our money.  And then came that image.  The all too familiar stillness.  The lack of a sweet blip on the screen.  The silence.

No heartbeat.

No movement.

Just stillness.

In shock I sat staring at the screen.  Just shock.  There were no words.  My mind became blurry.  My thoughts couldn't connect.  I literally couldn't think.  I couldn't move or speak.

I have known the loss of 2 children already on the earth.  One I held and I raised for 15 years.  One I never held... never knew if it was a boy or a girl.  12.5 weeks I carried that sweet one inside.  Longing for the day I would get to hold him/her that never came.

Not again, Lord.  Please.  I BEGGED you after the last miscarriage not to let me carry another that would end in loss.  Lord, I know you heard me.  I know you love me.  I know you want only good for me.  I asked you, Lord.  I pleaded for an empty womb before a womb that would carry a baby only part of the way.  23.5 weeks.  Almost 6 months.  2/3 of the way there.  This couldn't be.

Our ways are simply not His ways.  His thoughts are so much higher than ours.

The day drug on.  We prayed.  I prayed and believed that God would give us a miracle.  I believe with my whole heart (not believED... STILL BELIEVE - present tense) that my God is the same God that brought Lazarus from the grave after 4 days of deaths sting.  I believe that He is the same Jesus that raised people from the dead - and healed those sick with disease.  He is that God.  He is not less powerful... and He is no less loving than He ever was before.  I asked some friends to join with us, believing for a miracle.  And we prayed.  And we believed.  But, Friday night we went in and Saturday night our baby was born, and there was no breath in his lungs.  There was not light in his eyes.  Our Malachi was already with Jesus.

You see...  There are some dangerous teachings out there that steal from the Truth of the Gospel.  There are teachings that say if you believe enough... if you have enough faith, whatever you ask you shall have.  But, friends, our WILL, what seems good and right and fair to us does not dictate what good and right and fair really are.  The Word is clear that it is whatever we ask in His Name... according to HIS will, will be given.  And it has never been our actions that have healed.  It has been Jesus from beginning to the end.  Our faith can move mountains... our faith can heal.  But, we do not see all things.  We do not always know what is best, and we do not get to dictate to God who will be given life and who will pass from the earth.

The hard part of living on this side of eternity is that we are unable to really know good according to God.  We do not have the wisdom to discern the whole plan He has for our lives individually.  We just don't.

Other people would believe that God takes away because of our sin.  As a punishment - a teaching tool.  Oh how damaging to the Truth.  God is a God of justice.  He will not tolerate evil forever.  However, I plead the blood of Jesus over my life.  I have never been and never will be good enough to please God on my own.  All I have is the testimony of Jesus Christ.  The blood He spilled will be the only way that I can stand before a holy God for eternity.  It has not ever been because of my choices or my obedience that I have had blessings.  Since I was a little girl who cried out for Jesus to rescue me - I have been covered by that blood and in my God's sight I have been washed clean.  No, this was no punishment.

When we try to explain spiritual things that have understanding beyond our comprehension, we often diminish who God is.  We try to make things fit in a neat little box, and this life is not a neat little box of lessons - easy to figure out.  The only thing simple is that there is One who has gone before me, and He will never leave me.  He promises to lead me according to Truth, and under a banner of love.  And He has never broken a promise.  Not ever.

I told God that day, all day... I would praise Him from my rooftop if He brought our little one, our little Malachi James back from the dead.  But, I told Him, that even if He would not answer my prayer for the miracle I was desperate for... I would still praise Him from the rooftops.  He is not only worthy of my praise when everything in my life looks like blessings and hope from my perspective.  He is good, and He is loving even when life looks like I am sinking... drowning even... in sadness and sorrow.

I praise Him.  I praise Him from the very depths of my (grieving) soul.

His Word is True.  His heart and intentions towards me and my family are good.

He loves me.  Not because I have ever deserved it, but because of my faith that Jesus has taken my place.

I PRAISE HIM.  I cry out - sometimes without words, just from the deep places that I am not alone.  HE will NEVER EVER EVER FORSAKE ME!!  He will not.  He can not.  He is faithful... no matter if I am faithful.

I love God.  I praise Him.  So long as there is breath in my lungs, I will praise Him.

I am weary.  So weary.  Tonight my body reminds me that I have delivered a baby.  A precious boy that I held for over 5 hours.  It reminds me constantly that I am supposed to have a baby in my arms, nursing and snuggling me close.  It seems a cruel reminder.  I am not strong.  I am not super holy.

I am broken.
I am weary.
I am weak and tired and sad.
My body is hurting.  My mind is still messy.

But, the Holy Spirit inside of me is rising up... reminding me that I am not alone.  I can come to Jesus and He will give me rest.  I know that He has me hidden underneath His wings.  The song I have posted at the bottom is the perfect way to end.  It is the cry of my heart tonight.  It serves as a reminder to myself that the Truth is still True.  Hopefully it will remind you of that same thing.   Please, listen to the song and surrender the hardest places in your life to the God who will NEVER leave you if you invite Him to take over.

It does not mean that life will be easy.  Oh, my heart is grieved over my 3 babies and my momma in Heaven.  Life will not be easy.

But, there is something that is stirring deep in my soul.  In my weakness I am asking for His strength. In my sadness I am asking for His healing.  In our grief, I am asking for Him to remind me that we have the Hope of Jesus as an anchor for our wandering souls.  My hope is not of anything in this world.  My hope is that my Jesus will come again, and this world will come to an end... and there will be so much more... so much more than we could imagine in store.

Drink from the crystal river my precious momma and Jacob and sweet baby Carolyn (or Joshua) and our Malachi James.  We will be there to drink with you soon enough.  And, until then, I know Jesus will be sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us to get through this life in a way that is honoring to God.  To Him be the glory, when we understand and when we do not.

Last thought before the song...   I bought the groceries today to have a "thanksgiving meal" later in the week.  Turkey, dressing, gravy... the works.  It was accidental, but God stirred me to want to eat those things, and we will, as a family, participate in thanksgiving right here in the middle of April.  We will sit and be thankful for the children we have on the earth, still in our arms... and so many other things. Please pray for our family to embrace thankfulness during this time.  The days can be so dark if we don't choose to look for the light.


Kari Jobe- I am not alone

When I walk through deep waters I know that you will be with me.
When I'm standing in the fire, I will not be overcome.

Through the valley of the shadow, I will not fear...
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will Never leave me
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will NEVER leave me.

In the midst of deep sorrow I see your light is breaking through.
The dark of night will not over take me, I am pressing into you
Lord you fight my every battle
and I will not fear

I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will Never leave me
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will NEVER leave me.

You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own
You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own

You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own

You're my strength, you're my defender.

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials, you've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

I am not alone. I am not alone.  You will go before me, you will never leave me

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me

I am not alone.  No I am not alone.  You will go before me.  You will never leave me.  

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me. 

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me. 

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me.  

**VERY raw emotions regarding Miscarriage. Please read on with caution**

Friends,

Those of you who know me, know that I share my life (probably too much of it) in a pretty open way.  My story is not for me to keep to myself.  But, today, this very early morning, I am going to share some things in the hopes that other women, who are going through a miscarriage - or have gone through can know they are not alone.

My story is not every woman's story.  Not even every woman's story who has had this same type of loss.  We are all made differently.  We all hurt differently.  We all lose differently.  I will warn you again before you read on, this is not easy to write, and I don't expect it will be easy to read.  So, please proceed knowing that these things I write are based on my opinion.  My feelings.  My emotions.  This is not a factual piece.  It is just simply how this whole journey so far has impacted my mind and my heart.  Please understand - and I cannot stress this enough(!!!)  The views that I share here are meant to inform or to help, but in NO WAY are meant to bring judgement on anyone for the way they choose to go through miscarriage.  If you share your story - and I am of the belief that it brings healing when you do - PLEASE do not make anyone feel as if your way was right and there way was wrong.  This is one of the most devastating things I have had to endure, and there is NO PLACE for condemnation here.

I went to the Dr. early on Wednesday morning.  I chatted with a sweet girl finishing up her training - that day.  She was kind and compassionate and took time to talk with me.  I told her that I didn't want the big ultrasound, or any of the screenings to see if anything was wrong with my baby.  I am of the belief that no matter what, I will not terminate a pregnancy.  So, for me, personally, I do not want to know anything that might be wrong ahead of time.   It would cause me to worry and fret until delivery, and that is not healthy or helpful.

The new (almost) physician's assistant got the machine where we could hear the heartbeat - on the outside.  She moved it around and around.  She found my heartbeat.  And she kept searching...
Because I have had 5 healthy pregnancies and deliveries, I assumed that it was her lack of experience that was playing into the fact that we couldn't locate the heartbeat.  Even still, there was something very unsettling about it.  She left the room quickly to get the bigger machine.  The machine where we can see the baby too.  And, when she came back, the Sr. Physician's assistant was with her.  This precious woman attended to me 18 years ago when I was pregnant with my Jacob, so I knew she would get to the bottom of things quickly.

She put the gel on my belly again.  And she started looking for the baby.  Very quickly she found our little one.  But, there was something so different.  I noticed immediately that there didn't appear to be movement.  You want to see movement, and the baby is surrounded by fluid, so I was desperately searching for any sign.  And that little bitty spot that pulses in and out - the heartbeat... I could always catch a glimpse by this point.  And yet, there was only stillness.  A very hard reality started to grab ahold of my heart and I just kept searching - my eyes begging to see a sign of life - a small flicker - anything to let me know my little one was just resting and not gone.

Finally, I just said it out loud.  I said, "the baby looks very still.  I don't see a heartbeat.  It doesn't look like there is a heartbeat."  And the Sr. Physician's Assistant simply whispered, "I know sweetie. I know. Me either."

The moment hung there.  The reality was right in front of my eyes literally, but my mind couldn't catch up.  I couldn't believe this was happening.

She measured our tiny peanut.  The baby measured over 12 weeks, so this had happened recently. Very recently.  Because my appointment was so early in the morning, Michael hadn't gone with me.  I had to call him, but I didn't know what to say.  I asked him to come to the hospital.  And when he asked why I told him over the phone.  He came quickly to me and we just hugged and cried.  Both of us.  Just sobbing and asking why... what happened.    I am going to skip forward by some hours.

The next few hours my mind was bombarded.  I have never walked this path.  I don't know what is coming.  I have heard of a D&C.  Some of my dearest family members and friends have had miscarriages, but I didn't know what to expect at this point.  Here is where I am going to be very frank.  Please, read on with caution - or stop reading.  I am not going to hold anything back.  The questions and thoughts that flooded my grieving mind were these:

I want to labor for this baby just like I know from before.
I do not want them to scrape my baby out of me - in pieces - with no dignity and no honor.
What will they do with my babies body?  Will they just toss it in the medical waste pile?  And if we were to opt to take the baby, what in the world would we do?  We do not own land that we could have a burial and a service.  Cremation - and a formal service would cost thousands.  Do I want to get bills in the mail for the next several years and put our family in major debt so that we can be reminded monthly as we pay them that we don't have our precious baby?  And, we KNOW that we know that we know that our baby is already with Jesus.  This is just a body - our precious little one's body - but our baby's spirit and soul are not there.  What in the world do people do?  What should WE do?

If we were to make an emotional decision we would let me labor and have our baby at home - and hold our baby and feel the whole loss.  No meds to dull the pain.  I wanted to feel the pain of it... physically, as I was emotionally.  Maybe because I wanted the baby to know his/her life mattered.  Even though it was never here on the earth to live and breathe - this baby matters to us.  This is not fetal tissue - or a mass of dna.  This is our child.  This is our baby who we rejoiced over - and how do you just leave the baby in the hospital for "disposal".  What does that even mean?  But, again...  what in the world would we do if we could even take the baby home?  It is a horrible, horrible situation to be in.  At 12 and a half weeks, our baby is formed.  Our baby looks like a very tiny baby.  Real hands, real fingers.  Real toes.  It is horrific to think about and have to make decisions regarding all of these things, truly.

When thinking of the natural delivery versus D&C we read everything we could find.  I had heard some religious women - who I know love the Lord talk about not wanting a D&C because of sort of religious reasons.  I had felt it in my own mind and heart that I didn't want that.  I wanted to just labor and hurt and cry and feel the pain of it all.  But, as we read - the stories of so many women - and the medical things behind it, I realized that there is no right way - or wrong way.  Every person, every family, every husband and wife has to decide what is best.  Our baby is gone.  Our baby is not in this little tiny vessel anymore.  This was the earthly vessel... fragile and temporary.  Our baby is already with Jesus.  My husband reminded me that when I die - I don't care what you do with my body.  I really don't.  I won't be using it again.  It is just flesh - and I will be in Heaven with my Savior.  As we stepped back - out of our emotions... we realized the dangers that lurked for me if I were to do this naturally.  And I haven't even mentioned the FEAR.  Good grief, the fear of the pain... the fear of being alone when something happened.  The fear of being at work or in public when this labor would start.  The fear of not being able to stop bleeding or crying.  The fear of my other children hearing me in labor - in pain when they know it will not bring forth a living, breathing, baby.  Every decision... every thought made my head spin around and around.

I believe in God.  I am saved by the blood of Jesus.  I KNOW that we are not given a spirit of fear - but it does not ever say that we will not be afraid.  Jesus says that we do not have to be afraid.  Over and over in the Word it says to be strong and take heart and not lose courage.  God knows that we are given to fear when we don't understand what is happening around us.  My faith on whether or not God would get us through this never wavered, but friends, it is SCARY.

Naturally, there would be cramping, contractions, labor and blood.  There could be difficulties, hemorrhaging, any number of things.  And, so back to the D&C we are taken in our minds.  It is safer for me.  My husband gently reminded me again that I am alive.  I have a family that needs me.  Our baby is gone.  Dignified, undignified, with answers, without answers... our baby will not be coming home with us.  So, making sure that we do the safest thing for me - while in my mind it seems so selfish - is actually the only logical decision for us.  Please hear me say FOR US!  I read a story of a woman who felt like I did - I had thought I wanted to be awake for the procedure.  I didn't want them to knock me out.  But, after reading what she said about the hearing - even without the feeling, I knew that I could not go through that.  I just could not.  I still feel selfish.  I still feel like people will judge us for not having a service or a proper burial.  But, we know before the Lord that we must do what is right for our family.  In this situation - that brings emotional and physical pain beyond what I can describe, every woman needs to know that the way she chooses is the right way for her and her family.

This has been exhausting.  It is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Even in all of those decisions - there are still things that linger...  What did I do wrong?  What happened?  Was this my fault?  If we get pregnant again will this happen again?  I blame myself.  We as women do that so much.  We look to blame ourselves - as if this life was ever in our hands to begin with.  We do not get to speak death and life!  That is only for God alone.  And yet, we feel so much guilt and we over analyze every detail.  God help us.  Jesus be with us.

And more thoughts...  we will be on the same floor with all of the women having their normal, healthy, and not healthy babies.  We will be hearing cries and seeing pregnant full bellies everywhere.  And we will leave with empty arms.  With a stomach that looks like there is a baby coming.  With clothes that don't fit.  It seems so wrong to put on maternity clothes.  I don't want the questions about when are we due.  I don't want to tell perfect strangers that I have had a miscarriage - and what is the alternative?  I tell them, oh we are due in February?  What the heck?  Who has the answers for all of this?

One more thing, and it is just because I know that there are other women who understand what I am feeling.  And, I want you to know - if you are going through the same thing YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  I am anxious.  I cannot sleep.  I haven't been able to since we found out.  My baby is dead inside of me.  I am holding the corpse of my precious baby inside.  It is unnerving.  I am sorry that that is so blatant and not said beautifully.  There is NO beautiful way to say it.  I go to rub my belly - or put my hand there, and all I can think of is how silly that is.  My baby does not feel me - or know that I am loving him/her.  I want to scream - and I want to be so angry.  But, sadness just keeps flooding in.

This is scary and it is terribly sad.  Around every corner there is fresh pain.  And then, there is the physical pain.  The cramping that is a reminder that something terrible is happening... has happened already, and there is no way to stop it.  It is done.

If you have made it this far, and you are not going through this - please understand that this is not something to take lightly.  You do not have to have words for the women in your life who have miscarriages.  Just have arms to hold and reminders of love.  Send flowers.  Send a message that simply says, "I love you, and I am hurting with you."  You can't make it okay.  Only God can heal our broken hearts.  But, please don't ignore it.  Please don't NOT talk about how excited you are for your baby that is coming.  Please don't think you can't rejoice that your little one is healthy and alive and growing.  Please share your pregnancy with me, and if I can't handle it, I will excuse myself.  But, I REJOICE with those who are rejoicing, and I appreciate those who mourn with me.  Your pregnancy does not hurt me.  It brings me joy - even though I have pain.  Just as I rejoice with my friends who have children that were my Jacob's age who are going to college and doing those things.  I am reminded of my loss.  I am reminded of how much I miss that precious boy - but I am so THANKFUL that you have your child.  I am so thankful that you are getting to experience that part of life with your teenager.  It is the same with other pregnant women.  Is is a reminder?  Of course.  But, right now, everything will be a reminder.  We will move forward.

And, if you are a precious woman, going through this and feeling afraid and alone.  Please take a moment and ask God to help you, to make His presence known to you.  Please reach out to any friend who will talk with you - and help you through this time.  You are NOT ALONE.  You are seen.  It is okay to grieve.  It is okay to bang your fists on the ground and just be mad and sad and scared.  Just make sure you get up, dust yourself off and get the counseling or the help you need to get through it all.

There will be sunny days again.

Life will move forward and you have a purpose and you will make it through all of this.

I have had to say this too many times.  But, I will say it again because it is just as true this day as any day before.  God is good.  No matter what, He is good.  His intentions towards us are always loving and good.  He hurts when we hurt.  He grieves when we grieve.  He holds our tears in a bottle.  Our children are on loan from Heaven.  He has entrusted us to love them as long as He has loaned them to us for.  All of our days have been numbered.  Even our precious one who didn't live a day outside of my womb.  Those days were written before 1 ever came to be.  For three months I got to carry a precious life inside of me.  It was a gift.  My God has not forsaken me, or forgotten me.  My God sees me and loves me and will bring healing to myself and my husband, and my precious children who have already grieved more loss than most adults.  Say a prayer for us.  Tomorrow is scary.

Tonight we were eating dinner outside because it was beautifully cool for Texas this time of year and my beautiful daughter Mia (6 years) asked me, "So, you are going to hurt tomorrow mommy?"  and I said, "yes."  She asked me why I would have pain.  So, I said, "Because they have to take the baby out of me, and it will hurt me."  She said okay, while she touched my shoulder. (Oh blessed God, thank you for my precious little girl.)  Then, hours later, my Jude (7 years), as I was tucking him in bed, started crying and I just tousled his hair and gave him a hug.  He, through tears said so quietly, "I don't want you to go to the doctor tomorrow."  God love him.  He doesn't want the baby to be gone.  I told him I had to.  And when he asked why, I said, "Because if I don't I will get really sick."

He just cried and I hugged him.

Our hearts are just torn up right now.  We are a mess.  Please pray for us.  Please pray for my sweet ones as they go back to school with more loss tucked under their belts.  They are hurting - even if they hide it well.  God help us.  We are desperate for His return.

Thank you for reading.  I know it isn't easy.  It is a messy, messy thing this life - and all it's death.  I will leave you with these words, because out of everything... this I know is right and true...

Psalm 34:1-10,  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.  My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.  Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together.  I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all of my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.  This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.  Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.  The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing..."

amen and amen.

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.

The simple truth

I cannot believe that we have been a month without our Jacob.  Wow.  Part of me says, "wasn't it just yesterday that he was wrapping his arms around me?" and part of me feels as though it was years ago that I heard his voice calling me "mommy."

He did that - even at 15 years old - even in front of his friends - really everywhere.  I love that he still called me mommy.  He would tell his friends on xbox that he had to go because 'his mommy was asking for his help'.  The ways he showed love to me spoke so deeply to my heart. 

Well, I wanted to share something with you.  It is dear to my heart indeed.

Jacob was full of joy.  Jacob was full of encouragement and hope.  Many of you already know this.  Many of you saw this every day at school - or at church.  He was kind and gentle.  He had a servant's heart and was just overall a wonderful young man.  There is a reason.  You see, Jake knew that he messed up every day.  He knew that I messed up every day.  He knew that the earth is full of broken people.  He knew that we were no exception.  But, he knew something deeper... something far more important.

He knew that God loved him, God loved us anyway. 

Right in the middle of his brokenness.  Right in the middle of our family's brokenness, he knew that God saw us and He loved us.  He had provided a way for us to be healed.  God didn't wait on us to fix ourselves, or clean ourselves up.  God knew before we ever took a breath that we would not be able to live in a way that was pleasing on our own.  And God had a plan to help us - to give us an opportunity to be with Him forever anyway.  You see, when God created us - the human race - He created us to live among us - with us.  He wanted to walk with us - in all of His perfection and Holiness, He desired fellowship with us.  It is staggering really to think about.

When sin entered the world, He had to remove Himself from us.  He is altogether Holy.  He cannot be in the presence of our sin.  And it grieved His Spirit.  So, He made a way - through Jesus Christ.  He said that a Son would be born to us - a Savior that would come to earth to redeem us (Luke 1:31-38; 2:8-20).  His precious Son came as a baby - lived a perfect life - and died because I am sinful, because Jake was sinful, because you are sinful.  He took on my sin - He took on the sin of the whole world.  He took our shame upon Himself so that I could spend eternity in a real place called Heaven if I only confess that I am sinful and need His salvation.  John 3:16-17 says this, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."     

Right now many people are asking why my Jacob died.  They want autopsy results to reveal the "problem".  They want reasons.  Inconclusive is not good enough.  I understand that.  But, for me, it is more precious that it is a mystery to us.  I believe with all of my heart that God took him - much like Enoch.  God walked beside him and delighted in him.  And, on February 5th, 2013 at 2:00pm, it was time for him to go home - to walk with God.
Jake's work here was completed.
He had accomplished all that God had intended for him.

He had lived life well.  That is why it hurts so badly for us.  He was an amazing man of God.  His friends told me that at camp they called him Mac.  At first, I didn't like the sound of that - and then they helped me understand that it stood for Man After Christ.  Wow.  What an endorsement!  Nothing greater can be said about anyone.

He was at school, he was playing dodgeball, and then he collapsed.  I believe that his spirit was gone before his body hit the ground.  I believe that he was in the presence of Jesus before he fell.  The coaches did everything correctly.  They tried with all of their might to bring my boy back.  They did everything they could.  But, he was already in the presence of Jesus giving glory to the One that deserves it all- why would he want to leave that to come back here?

I cannot grieve the same way that others grieve.  Don't misunderstand me...  I grieve.  I mourn from the depths of my soul.  I MISS MY BOY!!!  He was an honor and a blessing to me every single day.  Hear me... every. single. day.  But, he is with my Jesus.  He no longer has any burden to carry.  I am mourning the times I thought I had ahead of us with him.  Graduation.  Marriage.  Grandkids.

In a moment the other afternoon, I was at home all by myself.  The house was so quiet.  I was playing worship music and a song came on that says, "I am leaning on you Jesus, with all my longing laid before you now.  And all I'm needing is you Jesus, and all my wanting is satisfied somehow.  There is no higher worth in all the earth but to love you, how I love you.  No greater call, no life at all but to love you... How I love you."  Later on it says, "How I love you... love you, Jesus, Jesus.  How I love you, love you... Jesus - oh how I love you, I love you."
It was at that moment in the song that I fell to the ground.
Knees hitting hard.
Tears falling hard.
Crying out - singing from the depths of my soul that I did love Him - though, I could not honestly sing that all of my wanting was satisfied.  In that moment, in that very real moment with my God... I told Him that I want my boy - and though I want to be fully satisfied, I was not...  and I was struggling to love Him.  In that moment He looked on me with compassion.  He knelt down beside me and He lifted my face.  He loved that I was honest before Him.  He loved that I - in my humanness, in my brokenness... was still desperately trying to love Him with all that I have.  It was enough for my King.  It was enough. 

My heart does grieve.  I assure you.  But, my heart does not grieve without hope.
I am praying - begging the Lord that if any one of you reading this doesn't understand this hope - this peace that I have ~ to the deep places in my heart and my soul ~ that you reach out to me or to someone you know that has placed all of their hope in Jesus.  Ask me anything you want... I want to share the hope that Jacob had.  The hope that I have.  Our goodbye is only temporary.  I will get to be reunited with my Jake one day.  I will get to stand in the Holy presence of my Jesus - right beside my precious boy and my beautiful momma.  And we will no longer hurt or cry or have pain.  We will be healed.  Completely restored to the glory that God intended for us in the very beginning of time.   

God saw me in my sin.  He loved me anyway.  He did not withhold His Son from me.  My salvation cost the God of the Universe - the Creator of all things - His one and only Son.  How dare I try and withhold my Son from Him?  You see, God is allowing me to share in suffering unlike anything I have ever known.  He is allowing me to understand how costly my salvation was.  It is beautiful.   Friends, the pain of losing a son...  the ache in my heart, the tears in the night, the longing for Jesus to come now... it is all very real.  But, if God chooses to use my boy's life to bring many to Himself - then I want to have a heart that blesses His name in that.  I long to be wholehearted in my devotion to my God.  He is worthy.  He is ever faithful and true and worthy!  He did not withhold anything from me.  So, today I rest in the love of my Most High God.  The Almighty One.  I rest in the peace that He brings to my spirit as I come to Him in my grief.  Oh please - find your hope in Jesus.  Find your hope in the One that will satisfy every longing of your heart if you will just surrender your heart to Him.