Be angry and do not sin.

"When you are angry, wait. Stop, sit, don't move! Anger is a catalyst that stirs us into battle. Most of the battles that anger will draw us into fighting are not worthy of our blood."
                                                                              ~  The Cry of the Soul
                                                                  (Dan Allender and Tremper Longman)

My heart is stirring tonight. There is much inside that the Lord longs to heal. Things long broken that need repair and restoration. I am angry. I want to tear down and lash out. I want to pound my fists and scream hateful words. I want to expose falsehood and frankly, just let everything come to light - in my time. But, these words... these timely words are helping me to see that anger is indeed a catalyst, and one that my enemy loves to use to get me to places of despair or discouragement - or worse yet, engaged in a battle that is certainly not worthy of my blood.

I can't imagine that anyone who loves people as much as I really do could feel this way. But all the emotions are there, and I am forced to deal with them. I will not stuff them down, or push them aside. I will face them. I will be angry, and by God's grace alone, in my anger I will not sin. I will forgive. I will ask for God's heart - and His eyes of mercy and pray to have eyes of mercy. I do not want to be merciful. I want to pursue justice. I do not want to forgive. I want to lash out and say hurtful things. I am filled with all sorts of things that would never really make me feel better.  And so, I will wrestle it out with God. I will have my fit in His full view. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I will pound my fists into the ground and ask Him, "why".  He has no duty to answer me. But, it is safe for me to ask the question. He has no obligation to act in a time frame that I am comfortable with, and I am okay with that. Because He made me, and He sees. Bless His holy name, He sees.

I wrote the above statements several nights ago. 

I was indeed crying and asking for answers. And God, in His great kindness supplied me an answer that far exceeded my situational understanding. His answer, you ask?  Well, it is my joy to share.

He spoke this truth ever so softly into my heart and gave me the grace to accept it. There is nothing more precious to God than redeeming and restoring the souls of men. And in that statement, which He set gently into my heart, was my answer. All men, no matter how desperately evil or bad they are. No matter what great sins they have committed and will continue to commit. He LOVES to redeem. He LOVES to restore.  Simply because He is love. My comfort (reputation, financial situation, etc...) is not His priority. Don't get me wrong. He loves me - adores me, even. But, He gave His firstborn Son, His only Son, for the souls of men. So, while I don't like pain, or suffering, or anything of that sort... He is worthy of my affections even during the times that are painful, and if He so chooses to use me and my discomfort in a way that will bring men closer to Himself, then who am I to argue? If I want the heart of God, (and believe me I do!) then I must be willing to change my thinking. I must fix my eyes on that which is most important and not turn them aside. He will heal everything that is broken in me in the meantime.

I whispered back to Him, "I believe you. I believe your Word. I believe that you are with me. I believe that you see me. I believe that you have protected me, and continue to protect me. I believe that you are good and that you desire good for me. I believe that you have never left me. You have never forsaken me. You have been beside me through every season, in spite of my sin, and you love me just the same. I believe that you will provide all that I need in just the right time, and in fact have already provided it. I believe because my situation does not determine the truth. Your truth will determine the outcome of my situation."

I felt like for a minute, I got it. I had heard a secret that was too good not to share. I believed. I remembered His Word, "... blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." John 20:29. Yes God, I believe you. I choose to believe you. In a moment's time that morning, peace absolutely washed over me. I knew. I believed all over again.

Not even an hour later, that very same morning, my phone rang with an opportunity that may very well be God's best answer for me right now.  I look forward to seeing what His plans are with me. I am filled with hope, not because I know what is coming, but because I know who He is no matter what is coming. 

His Word tells us that the rain will fall on the righteous and the unrighteous. Good people have good things happen - and good people have bad things happen. There is no promise for a life without pain in the Word of God. But, there is a promise that even if He doesn't answer you in your time, or in the way you desire... He loves you and He will not leave you in that darkness. There is a promise that one day there will be a world without pain. Everything will be redeemed. Everything. All of my brokenness will be made whole. Every sickness will be vanquished. Those who cannot walk will be able to leap and run. Those who cannot see will have perfect vision. Everything that ails us on this earth will be done. He will redeem it all! He is coming back for us and we have reason to HOPE.

Hope... ahhh hope. I feel another post coming on... but will leave you with this one final thought.

If your life, right now, is not what you expected it would be. If it is not going according to the plans you made when you were a child dreaming of the future, I ask you to stop and evaluate a few things. Life is choices. You are where you are largely because of the choices you have made over the last 5, 10, 15+ years. I know, believe me I know, that some things are outside of your choices. But, for the most part, you are where you are because of your own choices. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15+ years (if you are given that many)? What choices are you making today to get there? I cannot sort my life into what I can do without God and what I need His help for. I would never want to say that I do that... but I do! Let me challenge you to believe God, and ask for His help with everything. Realize that maybe you don't have all the answers and you need some help from someone who has the bigger picture.  Really believe that He has good things in store for you. He loves you and He sees you. If you allow Him to direct you, while I cannot promise "easy"... I can promise the He will not change. He will not abandon. He will be faithful.

If you have no belief because you can't believe in a God that would allow "_________________" to happen. Or, you can't believe He is good, because a good God would have "_______________" .
Fill in the blanks with what you think.

I want to tell you, He is good.

My parents were divorced when I was young.
My mom died when I was 17. 
I was in an abusive marriage. 
I was divorced. 
I lost my oldest son. My firstborn... my precious Jacob. 
While in the depths of my grief, I was remarried and in an even more toxic marriage.
I had two miscarriages (one at 12 weeks and one at 24 weeks)
I lost friends, finances, and even health.
I was divorced a second time.

I carry shame. Jesus says put it down, He already carried it for me.
I carry pain. Jesus says, lean into Me, He will give me rest.
I carry scars. Jesus shows me His hands and feet and reminds me that His wounds will heal mine.
I carry guilt. Jesus says lay it down, it is no longer mine to bear.

God is not sitting up there waiting for you to clean your life up so that He can use you. He is waiting on you to see your need for Him so He can comfort you... so He can set you free... so He can bind up your wounds. I know it makes no sense to believe in that which you cannot see. But, I am telling you there is power when you believe the right things about God. There is strength and peace and hope.

If you don't have enough strength to believe.... borrow some from me. I get it. I have been in the dark places and by His grace, He has helped me to believe. He is good, my friends. He is good.

Colossians 1:13-14  "For He has rescued us and has drawn us to Himself from the dominion of darkness, and has transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption [because of His sacrifice, resulting in] the forgiveness of our sins [and the cancellation of sins’ penalty]." (Amplified Bible) 

Confusion, Fear, the Church and the battle for the Gospel

Today I have been steadily in battle to take back the ground of Truth in my mind.

I am thankful for friends who will stand beside me, under-gird me with prayer and wisdom. How necessary it is to have friends that consistently remind you of the Truth (and Power) of the Gospel.

My heart is very heavy because I have noticed my load had become burdensome again.  The weight of the world was literally on my shoulders.  It is so strange to know the Truth and to have experience with the Faithfulness of God, and yet still, slip back into moments where even what you know to be true doesn't hold it's ground against a particular storm that is raging. Faith begins wavering and fear creeps in.

I saw a sign at Kohls that said, "Let your faith be bigger than your fear."  

Each time I have seen it, I have been drawn to it.  I need to have my friend at 11th Street Lettering pen it for me so I can hang it big on my wall.  I have been given to fear recently.  Not just one fear, but many.  That is not the way of God.  That is not the will of God.  So, I sought out some wise counsel to help me find the root - and to press back into the Truth which rescues me from all fears.  The only thing I want to fear is my God.  And, I don't mean fear, like "what will He do to me next?", but in the way that He desires we fear Him - with deep understanding that "Perfect love casts out all fear" 1 John 4:18.

Psalm 34

I will extol the Lord at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

2I will glory in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

4I sought the Lord, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.

5Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.

6This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles.

7The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,

and he delivers them.

It was hard not to write out all of Psalm 34. It is just that good. Do yourself a favor and read through the whole thing today - like 4 times. You won't regret it.

Something that has been highlighted in my mind recently is that many good, God-fearing people have taken the way of Saul. It is devastating to the church.  Press in and hear what I am saying, because I think it is very important for this time in our Culture.  Many well meaning, but self-righteous people have become indignant that we make the Gospel something about us, and our obedience, rather than hanging it entirely on Jesus Christ.  Even now, if you are a Pharisee, I can sense the hairs beginning to bristle on your neck.  Something inside of you is so offended.  You believe you hold the power to judge a man's salvation by his works, or by one particular action. The spirit that accompanies those dangerous beliefs are so argumentative and defensive.  You feel like you are protecting God and the truth.  You probably feel exactly like Saul did as he was "breathing out murderous threats against the Lord's disciples." (Acts 9)

Saul was a Jew.  He was brought up to fear God and to serve Him.  He knew all of the laws by heart.  He knew all of the customs well.  He had much knowledge and a true fear of God.  He was not pretending.  He was not fake.  But, he was deceived. In his mind, killing Christians (those who would follow Christ) was an act of SERVICE to God.  It was his duty.  It was his strong belief.  He did not hate God.  He sought to do right by God with all of his heart. But he was greatly deceived.

 He was so deceived that it took Jesus himself, returning from Heaven to convince him his acts of service and self righteous behavior were actually wrong.  

Very wrong. 

Jesus thought is was so important that He left Heaven (again) to reveal to Saul that he was blind... and then he had a man remove literal scales from Saul's eyes because he had been blinded by his beliefs about God, and about people who were not "religious" like he was.  

There is a warning to Shepherds in Ezekiel 34 - and I am struck by the description of the shepherds responses to the sheep.  But, God's heart is revealed as He talks about restoring the sheep that were mishandled by the shepherds.  It is a good read.  I encourage you to dive in and ask the Lord to teach you more about His character from that chapter - and the chapters surrounding it. 

It is so dangerous to our souls to believe that our salvation is based on something we do or don't do. Salvation belongs to our God.  Salvation is only through Jesus.  And it is a gift.  

The message of the Pharisee becomes heavy and burdensome for those of us who have not forgotten how desperately sinful we are.  They implore us to believe through their teaching that God is disappointed in us, that He is angry with us, that we should doubt our salvation if we still struggle in our flesh.  Those with the mind of Saul cannot see their own hypocrisy, or the ways that they are persecuting true believers.  They believe that somehow God has rescued them from their wretchedness, and thankfully the only sins they commit now are sins of omission (just to make themselves feel better because they cannot actually point to any sin currently in their lives) - even though they are riddled through with pride, murder (according to Jesus) and slander of their fellow believers.  It is scary.  The scales are real.  And the destruction they do in their blindness is heartbreaking.  I believe we have many Saul's declaring their message so loudly in the church these days that true believers are running, fearing for their lives - and fighting for truth to remain strong and louder in their souls than the accusations lobbied against them. The wounds that have been inflicted have done much damage to the message of the cross, but they will not stop the true Gospel, nor do they have the power to thwart God.

Have you been hurt by the church?  Have you been wounded by other believers?  Have you been made to doubt your salvation?  If so, I beg of you to pray. I beg of you to forgive.  I beg of you to ask God for a revelation for the Saul's in your life.  Ask God for a moment where the scales are removed and sight is restored.  Ask God to help you forgive those who have wounded you.  It is FREEDOM to do that.

The days are short.  Jesus is coming back.  His church must stop aligning itself with the enemy to tear apart the faith and power that was bestowed on believers to be manifest in the church, which is led by Christ - and not a man.  The answer is not to leave the church (although if the messages have become more about man's thinking than the truth of Jesus, you may consider leaving that particular church).  The answer is not to run away from a corporate body.  The answer is to seek out those who have not forgotten the Truth of the Gospel.  The answer is to seek out believers who are ALL BROKEN, but are desperate to worship God in Spirit and Truth.  The answer can not, and will never be found in man.  The only One who can make the wrongs right is God, and He did so through Jesus.  

Do not allow the weakness of man to determine how strong you believe God is.  

Do not let the anger of man convince you that God is not loving.  

Do not allow the foolishness of man to cause you to underestimate the Wisdom of God.   

I have not followed the story about Jen Hatmaker much, so please don't freak out that I bring her up. I think some things she has to say are funny.  Like, really funny.  I think there are some places where she nails it, and some places where she gets it desperately wrong. (Although in truth I have only read one of her articles and seen a few quotes here and there from her, so my knowledge on the subject is limited)  And so many people are just devastated by her statements.  Why?  Because they set their sights on a PERSON.  A broken person with good intentions.  They sought their truth and their wisdom from her, rather than from God's Word and God's Spirit.  That is always devastating.  People are broken.  People get it wrong all the time.  I get it wrong all the time. 

Read the Word.         Study the Word.             Fall in love with the Word. 

Don't settle for one message a week that points you to the Word.  Seek out the Word in your own time and ask God to be near as you study.

Pray for God to reveal Himself to you, in the quiet places. Pray for a fellowship where you can worship God in Spirit and in Truth. Ephesians 3:10 says, "His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms." God will make known his wisdom through a body of believers.  But read this, you need a fellowship that worships in Spirit and in Truth. Not only Truth - with no room for the Spirit... and not in Spirit only, with no firm grasp on the Truth. John 4:21-24 says it like this, "Jesus replied, “Believe me, dear woman, the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship the Father on this mountain or in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans know very little about the one you worship, while we Jews know all about him, for salvation comes through the Jews. 23 But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. 24 For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.”

Do you see it? The Father is looking for those who will worship Him that way. Another of my favorites is this: 2 Chronicles 16:9, "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." Oh Lord, help us to be wholehearted, fully committed to you - and you alone. Not to the teachings of mere men who have the appearance of wisdom - the living Bible says it this way, "These rules may seem good, for rules of this kind require strong devotion and are humiliating and hard on the body, but they have no effect when it comes to conquering a person’s evil thoughts and desires. They only make him proud." (Colossians 2:23)

God help us to remember you are searching, seeking, pursuing us.  You are not disappointed in us, angry with us and out to get us.  You are good and you seek to restore and heal and help.  You do not seek us to destroy us.  You are not out to get us.  You have not abandoned us.  Please be with those who believe they are doing good in your Kingdom, who are actually persecuting Jesus with their zealousness.  Please help us to forgive, to move forward... to encourage and uplift.  To give grace and extend love and mercy.  Please God, help us to become what we can't become without YOU.

Please hear me.  I am not suggesting you leave your church that preaches truth to go on a hunt for a church that is more "spirit filled", but I am praying and hoping if your church is heavy in Truth and light in the Spirit, you cry out to God to come again and fill that place with His Spirit.  And, I pray that if you are in a church that is heavy in Spirit, but lacking in Truth teaching, that you will cry out to the Lord for the Truth to grab hold.  And whatever group you fall in with, that  God will set the balance right in your own heart (AND MINE TOO!!) as well as the corporate body you worship alongside. Oh that we would be the generation that worships Him in Spirit and in Truth that will usher in the King of Glory with our worship.   

The Gospel is the good news that Christ came to set us FREE (not put us in bondage). He came to save us from our wickedness (because we will NEVER get it right on our own).  He alone took the penalty of death - even went to Hell - so that we would not have to.  We simply have to believe. 

When a man (Siris) asked what he must do to be saved, he was told "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved." Acts 16:31. Romans 10:9 says, that if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  Jesus is the way, the truth and the life - and no one comes to the Father, except through Him.  That is the Gospel.  He came to rescue and redeem.  He came to give life and life abundant.  The one that came to destroy us was the devil.  Please don't get the two confused!

If you have run from God and the church because you have been wounded... please consider starting with a simple prayer to the God who you may have come to misunderstand.  Ask Him to reveal Himself.  Set aside some time to just sit with Him.  Maybe put on some worship music.  Maybe sit with your Bible in your lap.  But, sit with Him and let your soul be still.  Believe that He is good.  He is altogether good.  Believe that He is for you and not against you.  Believe that He has a good plan for you.  Ask Him to show you how to rest in Him again.  How to open your heart up again to more pain that will come when you surround yourself with the broken people of the world.  But, go out and do what you were created to do.  Don't let people stop you from your God spoken destiny.  Every light, no matter how small overcomes the darkness.  Go out and shine and bring some hope to the weary ones.

**VERY raw emotions regarding Miscarriage. Please read on with caution**

Friends,

Those of you who know me, know that I share my life (probably too much of it) in a pretty open way.  My story is not for me to keep to myself.  But, today, this very early morning, I am going to share some things in the hopes that other women, who are going through a miscarriage - or have gone through can know they are not alone.

My story is not every woman's story.  Not even every woman's story who has had this same type of loss.  We are all made differently.  We all hurt differently.  We all lose differently.  I will warn you again before you read on, this is not easy to write, and I don't expect it will be easy to read.  So, please proceed knowing that these things I write are based on my opinion.  My feelings.  My emotions.  This is not a factual piece.  It is just simply how this whole journey so far has impacted my mind and my heart.  Please understand - and I cannot stress this enough(!!!)  The views that I share here are meant to inform or to help, but in NO WAY are meant to bring judgement on anyone for the way they choose to go through miscarriage.  If you share your story - and I am of the belief that it brings healing when you do - PLEASE do not make anyone feel as if your way was right and there way was wrong.  This is one of the most devastating things I have had to endure, and there is NO PLACE for condemnation here.

I went to the Dr. early on Wednesday morning.  I chatted with a sweet girl finishing up her training - that day.  She was kind and compassionate and took time to talk with me.  I told her that I didn't want the big ultrasound, or any of the screenings to see if anything was wrong with my baby.  I am of the belief that no matter what, I will not terminate a pregnancy.  So, for me, personally, I do not want to know anything that might be wrong ahead of time.   It would cause me to worry and fret until delivery, and that is not healthy or helpful.

The new (almost) physician's assistant got the machine where we could hear the heartbeat - on the outside.  She moved it around and around.  She found my heartbeat.  And she kept searching...
Because I have had 5 healthy pregnancies and deliveries, I assumed that it was her lack of experience that was playing into the fact that we couldn't locate the heartbeat.  Even still, there was something very unsettling about it.  She left the room quickly to get the bigger machine.  The machine where we can see the baby too.  And, when she came back, the Sr. Physician's assistant was with her.  This precious woman attended to me 18 years ago when I was pregnant with my Jacob, so I knew she would get to the bottom of things quickly.

She put the gel on my belly again.  And she started looking for the baby.  Very quickly she found our little one.  But, there was something so different.  I noticed immediately that there didn't appear to be movement.  You want to see movement, and the baby is surrounded by fluid, so I was desperately searching for any sign.  And that little bitty spot that pulses in and out - the heartbeat... I could always catch a glimpse by this point.  And yet, there was only stillness.  A very hard reality started to grab ahold of my heart and I just kept searching - my eyes begging to see a sign of life - a small flicker - anything to let me know my little one was just resting and not gone.

Finally, I just said it out loud.  I said, "the baby looks very still.  I don't see a heartbeat.  It doesn't look like there is a heartbeat."  And the Sr. Physician's Assistant simply whispered, "I know sweetie. I know. Me either."

The moment hung there.  The reality was right in front of my eyes literally, but my mind couldn't catch up.  I couldn't believe this was happening.

She measured our tiny peanut.  The baby measured over 12 weeks, so this had happened recently. Very recently.  Because my appointment was so early in the morning, Michael hadn't gone with me.  I had to call him, but I didn't know what to say.  I asked him to come to the hospital.  And when he asked why I told him over the phone.  He came quickly to me and we just hugged and cried.  Both of us.  Just sobbing and asking why... what happened.    I am going to skip forward by some hours.

The next few hours my mind was bombarded.  I have never walked this path.  I don't know what is coming.  I have heard of a D&C.  Some of my dearest family members and friends have had miscarriages, but I didn't know what to expect at this point.  Here is where I am going to be very frank.  Please, read on with caution - or stop reading.  I am not going to hold anything back.  The questions and thoughts that flooded my grieving mind were these:

I want to labor for this baby just like I know from before.
I do not want them to scrape my baby out of me - in pieces - with no dignity and no honor.
What will they do with my babies body?  Will they just toss it in the medical waste pile?  And if we were to opt to take the baby, what in the world would we do?  We do not own land that we could have a burial and a service.  Cremation - and a formal service would cost thousands.  Do I want to get bills in the mail for the next several years and put our family in major debt so that we can be reminded monthly as we pay them that we don't have our precious baby?  And, we KNOW that we know that we know that our baby is already with Jesus.  This is just a body - our precious little one's body - but our baby's spirit and soul are not there.  What in the world do people do?  What should WE do?

If we were to make an emotional decision we would let me labor and have our baby at home - and hold our baby and feel the whole loss.  No meds to dull the pain.  I wanted to feel the pain of it... physically, as I was emotionally.  Maybe because I wanted the baby to know his/her life mattered.  Even though it was never here on the earth to live and breathe - this baby matters to us.  This is not fetal tissue - or a mass of dna.  This is our child.  This is our baby who we rejoiced over - and how do you just leave the baby in the hospital for "disposal".  What does that even mean?  But, again...  what in the world would we do if we could even take the baby home?  It is a horrible, horrible situation to be in.  At 12 and a half weeks, our baby is formed.  Our baby looks like a very tiny baby.  Real hands, real fingers.  Real toes.  It is horrific to think about and have to make decisions regarding all of these things, truly.

When thinking of the natural delivery versus D&C we read everything we could find.  I had heard some religious women - who I know love the Lord talk about not wanting a D&C because of sort of religious reasons.  I had felt it in my own mind and heart that I didn't want that.  I wanted to just labor and hurt and cry and feel the pain of it all.  But, as we read - the stories of so many women - and the medical things behind it, I realized that there is no right way - or wrong way.  Every person, every family, every husband and wife has to decide what is best.  Our baby is gone.  Our baby is not in this little tiny vessel anymore.  This was the earthly vessel... fragile and temporary.  Our baby is already with Jesus.  My husband reminded me that when I die - I don't care what you do with my body.  I really don't.  I won't be using it again.  It is just flesh - and I will be in Heaven with my Savior.  As we stepped back - out of our emotions... we realized the dangers that lurked for me if I were to do this naturally.  And I haven't even mentioned the FEAR.  Good grief, the fear of the pain... the fear of being alone when something happened.  The fear of being at work or in public when this labor would start.  The fear of not being able to stop bleeding or crying.  The fear of my other children hearing me in labor - in pain when they know it will not bring forth a living, breathing, baby.  Every decision... every thought made my head spin around and around.

I believe in God.  I am saved by the blood of Jesus.  I KNOW that we are not given a spirit of fear - but it does not ever say that we will not be afraid.  Jesus says that we do not have to be afraid.  Over and over in the Word it says to be strong and take heart and not lose courage.  God knows that we are given to fear when we don't understand what is happening around us.  My faith on whether or not God would get us through this never wavered, but friends, it is SCARY.

Naturally, there would be cramping, contractions, labor and blood.  There could be difficulties, hemorrhaging, any number of things.  And, so back to the D&C we are taken in our minds.  It is safer for me.  My husband gently reminded me again that I am alive.  I have a family that needs me.  Our baby is gone.  Dignified, undignified, with answers, without answers... our baby will not be coming home with us.  So, making sure that we do the safest thing for me - while in my mind it seems so selfish - is actually the only logical decision for us.  Please hear me say FOR US!  I read a story of a woman who felt like I did - I had thought I wanted to be awake for the procedure.  I didn't want them to knock me out.  But, after reading what she said about the hearing - even without the feeling, I knew that I could not go through that.  I just could not.  I still feel selfish.  I still feel like people will judge us for not having a service or a proper burial.  But, we know before the Lord that we must do what is right for our family.  In this situation - that brings emotional and physical pain beyond what I can describe, every woman needs to know that the way she chooses is the right way for her and her family.

This has been exhausting.  It is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Even in all of those decisions - there are still things that linger...  What did I do wrong?  What happened?  Was this my fault?  If we get pregnant again will this happen again?  I blame myself.  We as women do that so much.  We look to blame ourselves - as if this life was ever in our hands to begin with.  We do not get to speak death and life!  That is only for God alone.  And yet, we feel so much guilt and we over analyze every detail.  God help us.  Jesus be with us.

And more thoughts...  we will be on the same floor with all of the women having their normal, healthy, and not healthy babies.  We will be hearing cries and seeing pregnant full bellies everywhere.  And we will leave with empty arms.  With a stomach that looks like there is a baby coming.  With clothes that don't fit.  It seems so wrong to put on maternity clothes.  I don't want the questions about when are we due.  I don't want to tell perfect strangers that I have had a miscarriage - and what is the alternative?  I tell them, oh we are due in February?  What the heck?  Who has the answers for all of this?

One more thing, and it is just because I know that there are other women who understand what I am feeling.  And, I want you to know - if you are going through the same thing YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  I am anxious.  I cannot sleep.  I haven't been able to since we found out.  My baby is dead inside of me.  I am holding the corpse of my precious baby inside.  It is unnerving.  I am sorry that that is so blatant and not said beautifully.  There is NO beautiful way to say it.  I go to rub my belly - or put my hand there, and all I can think of is how silly that is.  My baby does not feel me - or know that I am loving him/her.  I want to scream - and I want to be so angry.  But, sadness just keeps flooding in.

This is scary and it is terribly sad.  Around every corner there is fresh pain.  And then, there is the physical pain.  The cramping that is a reminder that something terrible is happening... has happened already, and there is no way to stop it.  It is done.

If you have made it this far, and you are not going through this - please understand that this is not something to take lightly.  You do not have to have words for the women in your life who have miscarriages.  Just have arms to hold and reminders of love.  Send flowers.  Send a message that simply says, "I love you, and I am hurting with you."  You can't make it okay.  Only God can heal our broken hearts.  But, please don't ignore it.  Please don't NOT talk about how excited you are for your baby that is coming.  Please don't think you can't rejoice that your little one is healthy and alive and growing.  Please share your pregnancy with me, and if I can't handle it, I will excuse myself.  But, I REJOICE with those who are rejoicing, and I appreciate those who mourn with me.  Your pregnancy does not hurt me.  It brings me joy - even though I have pain.  Just as I rejoice with my friends who have children that were my Jacob's age who are going to college and doing those things.  I am reminded of my loss.  I am reminded of how much I miss that precious boy - but I am so THANKFUL that you have your child.  I am so thankful that you are getting to experience that part of life with your teenager.  It is the same with other pregnant women.  Is is a reminder?  Of course.  But, right now, everything will be a reminder.  We will move forward.

And, if you are a precious woman, going through this and feeling afraid and alone.  Please take a moment and ask God to help you, to make His presence known to you.  Please reach out to any friend who will talk with you - and help you through this time.  You are NOT ALONE.  You are seen.  It is okay to grieve.  It is okay to bang your fists on the ground and just be mad and sad and scared.  Just make sure you get up, dust yourself off and get the counseling or the help you need to get through it all.

There will be sunny days again.

Life will move forward and you have a purpose and you will make it through all of this.

I have had to say this too many times.  But, I will say it again because it is just as true this day as any day before.  God is good.  No matter what, He is good.  His intentions towards us are always loving and good.  He hurts when we hurt.  He grieves when we grieve.  He holds our tears in a bottle.  Our children are on loan from Heaven.  He has entrusted us to love them as long as He has loaned them to us for.  All of our days have been numbered.  Even our precious one who didn't live a day outside of my womb.  Those days were written before 1 ever came to be.  For three months I got to carry a precious life inside of me.  It was a gift.  My God has not forsaken me, or forgotten me.  My God sees me and loves me and will bring healing to myself and my husband, and my precious children who have already grieved more loss than most adults.  Say a prayer for us.  Tomorrow is scary.

Tonight we were eating dinner outside because it was beautifully cool for Texas this time of year and my beautiful daughter Mia (6 years) asked me, "So, you are going to hurt tomorrow mommy?"  and I said, "yes."  She asked me why I would have pain.  So, I said, "Because they have to take the baby out of me, and it will hurt me."  She said okay, while she touched my shoulder. (Oh blessed God, thank you for my precious little girl.)  Then, hours later, my Jude (7 years), as I was tucking him in bed, started crying and I just tousled his hair and gave him a hug.  He, through tears said so quietly, "I don't want you to go to the doctor tomorrow."  God love him.  He doesn't want the baby to be gone.  I told him I had to.  And when he asked why, I said, "Because if I don't I will get really sick."

He just cried and I hugged him.

Our hearts are just torn up right now.  We are a mess.  Please pray for us.  Please pray for my sweet ones as they go back to school with more loss tucked under their belts.  They are hurting - even if they hide it well.  God help us.  We are desperate for His return.

Thank you for reading.  I know it isn't easy.  It is a messy, messy thing this life - and all it's death.  I will leave you with these words, because out of everything... this I know is right and true...

Psalm 34:1-10,  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.  My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.  Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together.  I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all of my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.  This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.  Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.  The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing..."

amen and amen.