One of many

I have had so many things stirring around in my heart over the last few weeks. 

Due to the random nature of writing (composing a draft while the idea is fresh), I take what I can... a scrap piece of paper, a voice note to myself, my journal or even the back of an MLS listing and write as many of my thoughts down as possible when all the words come to the surface.  It seems to grab a hold of me at times that may not be the most convenient to come and sit down at my computer and just get typing.

Because of this, I am going to be posting several chats in a row, maybe all today. Lots of thoughts about lots of things... and all just got me stirred up in some form or fashion. 

So, this is fair warning... I hope you have a minute to sit and stay a while. Grab a warm cup of coffee and join me for a little time to ponder some heart things... it is my joy that you join me here. 

Post 1: 

Valentines Day was a month and a half ago. 

Some of you just got all giddy (butterflies and all) and some of you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way, you probably have some type of strong response. Maybe you have been so hurt by this day that you have turned off all emotion towards it at all. You have shoved it all down deep and refuse to acknowledge the day in any way, shape or form. 

My pastor was teaching last month about the Shape of Love. The question of the message was this, "When your life is shaped by love, what does it look like?"

You know, I have strong feelings about what it does look like and what it absolutely doesn't look like. I used to be so bitter about this Holiday in particular. I HATED it. When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really know how to love, it can be super confusing and painful. One day a year to be told you are loved or valued and 364.5 to be treated like you are worth nothing. Or every day you hear what you want to hear but all of the words are meaningless because they are never followed up by action - or worse yet, the actions prove out a completely different thing than love. 

Ouch. 

Christians preach the message that the Ultimate love comes only from one source. I happen to agree 100% with this teaching. However, I would say so many of these Christians (myself included) have at times been some of the most unloving people on the planet. In what they believe is true Christian love, they pound you with their theologies of works and their questions (intended to make you look inside and adjust something to "please" God more with your life), or they shun you or ban you or speak out strongly against one sin theme or another, but ultimately, they just create confusion about the TRUE Gospel.

Ouch again. 

Let me give you an example or two. 1. Homosexuality. 2. Abortion. 

You wanna talk about some HOT TOPICS. And "the religious" everywhere make a ridiculous mess of something that is SO SIMPLE. They go on and on using their social platforms to put down entire groups of people they do not know or care to understand in the name of "Christianity". That is not like Jesus, it isn't Christian, it is RELIGION. The religious are who Jesus condemned... not the sinners. Sheesh. The ones who had all of their checklists checked off - these are the ones that were so blinded to their own mess that Jesus called them a brood of vipers. 

Yes, I believe that homosexuality is sin. Sex outside of marriage = sinful. 
And I also believe:
Stealing paper clips from work is a sin. 
Billing for hours that you didn't actually work is a sin. 
Gossiping in the name of prayer requests = sin
Cheating on your taxes.... you guessed it... sin. 
That little "white lie" = sin. 
The selfishness you just showed your spouse = sin. 
Glancing lustfully at that billboard, or movie star, or person walking by = sin.
Losing your temper with your child because you are stressed out = sin.
Abortion = sin.
Cussing when you stub your toe = sin.
Drinking until you feel tipsy = sin.
Neglecting the Sabbath day = sin
Your arrogance in not being able to pinpoint any particular sin in your life = sin (just to spell it out, the sin of self-righteousness and pride is lurking, my friend). 

All of this... and many many more are why Christ had to come in the first place. Just because we have made some sins socially acceptable doesn't mean that we see like God.

What did Christ do with the sinners? What did He do with the woman caught in adultery? While the Pharisees were ready to stone her to death, He drew a line in the sand... He asked for the one without sin to cast the first stone. He demonstrated to the religious that their sin stunk to high heaven... just like hers.
In this past few years I have experienced an intense level of  Pharisaical judgment brought about by my own sin and the sinful response of those who felt more holy than I am.  

A lot of people leave the church altogether over things just like this. They assume God is the same as the people who are claiming to represent Him. 

I love God. I need community. I need other Believers. There are many many churches full of people who know how to love you through sin (Christlike) rather than hang you out to make an example of you. Being an instrument to bring shame is something the Devil does. Desiring to love and restore someone is the very merciful heart of God. 


Oh how I am thankful to God that He is so unlike man. 

Don't get me wrong. There is a Biblical recipe for someone caught up in sin. There is a process that is described for one who is set against God.  But, I would tell you, not one person who on "wise counsel" shunned me, knocked on my door or came to me in person.  Not one. Not one person who gave counsel to shun me had knocked either. Do you think that Jesus was pleased with this? Do you think this was loving?  

Oh mercy. Jesus forgive them, for they know not what they do and help me forgive them too. 
Jesus forgive me because I have been just like that myself. 


**sidenote** two people did come knock on my door. They did it the right way, and God bless them, they honored God in their coming. 

My point is this. Christians should be all about showing the love of Christ. Out of everyone, we should know from the depths of our soul what God has released us from, and God forgive us when we forget it... when we reach a place where we think we are so "cleaned up" we forget why we need a Savior in the first place. When you reach a place that you think you've got it, you really don't have anything at all. You can speak in the tongues of angels and be a loud gong... nothing but an annoyance. My Facebook feed is full to the brim of loud and clanging symbols. I have filled my own feed with clanging. Where is the LOVE?
Your normal "Christian" may not be anything like this loud mouthed (or loud on Social Media) friend or co-worker. What if there really are Christians who understand they are sinful too, and that their poop stinks just like yours? 

The world really does need love. There is but one lawgiver and judge. If we are to call ourselves Christians, let's get out of His way and be the hands and feet that He created us to be. Our condemnation of any act or group - no matter how sinful - does not prove how loving we are. It tells a completely different story about us.

Let's let our lives be marked by the way we love. Let it be marked by the way we spend ourselves on behalf of the weak, the poor and the ones who need Hope and Truth. Let's feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Stand beside the broken. Let's love. 

If you get all worked up over the gay and lesbian lifestyle, maybe Jesus is calling you to befriend someone who is in that lifestyle and LISTEN to them without judging them. Maybe if you get all worked up over abortion you should go volunteer some time at a place where you can be around the women who make up the majority of those who get abortions. Maybe you need UNDERSTANDING. Maybe you need to eat with sinners. Maybe you need to sit before God a bit and ask who you have hurt by your judgement and your clanging Facebook page. Maybe you need to show love and leave the judgement to the only One who can rightfully hold that position. 

When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket LOVE is the only thing that will help. Love SURROUNDS itself with hurting people. And with that, I will leave this post and head over to a whole new topic in the next week or so... 

Peace my friends. Peace and love from this broken sinner straight to you. 

Be angry and do not sin.

"When you are angry, wait. Stop, sit, don't move! Anger is a catalyst that stirs us into battle. Most of the battles that anger will draw us into fighting are not worthy of our blood."
                                                                              ~  The Cry of the Soul
                                                                  (Dan Allender and Tremper Longman)

My heart is stirring tonight. There is much inside that the Lord longs to heal. Things long broken that need repair and restoration. I am angry. I want to tear down and lash out. I want to pound my fists and scream hateful words. I want to expose falsehood and frankly, just let everything come to light - in my time. But, these words... these timely words are helping me to see that anger is indeed a catalyst, and one that my enemy loves to use to get me to places of despair or discouragement - or worse yet, engaged in a battle that is certainly not worthy of my blood.

I can't imagine that anyone who loves people as much as I really do could feel this way. But all the emotions are there, and I am forced to deal with them. I will not stuff them down, or push them aside. I will face them. I will be angry, and by God's grace alone, in my anger I will not sin. I will forgive. I will ask for God's heart - and His eyes of mercy and pray to have eyes of mercy. I do not want to be merciful. I want to pursue justice. I do not want to forgive. I want to lash out and say hurtful things. I am filled with all sorts of things that would never really make me feel better.  And so, I will wrestle it out with God. I will have my fit in His full view. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I will pound my fists into the ground and ask Him, "why".  He has no duty to answer me. But, it is safe for me to ask the question. He has no obligation to act in a time frame that I am comfortable with, and I am okay with that. Because He made me, and He sees. Bless His holy name, He sees.

I wrote the above statements several nights ago. 

I was indeed crying and asking for answers. And God, in His great kindness supplied me an answer that far exceeded my situational understanding. His answer, you ask?  Well, it is my joy to share.

He spoke this truth ever so softly into my heart and gave me the grace to accept it. There is nothing more precious to God than redeeming and restoring the souls of men. And in that statement, which He set gently into my heart, was my answer. All men, no matter how desperately evil or bad they are. No matter what great sins they have committed and will continue to commit. He LOVES to redeem. He LOVES to restore.  Simply because He is love. My comfort (reputation, financial situation, etc...) is not His priority. Don't get me wrong. He loves me - adores me, even. But, He gave His firstborn Son, His only Son, for the souls of men. So, while I don't like pain, or suffering, or anything of that sort... He is worthy of my affections even during the times that are painful, and if He so chooses to use me and my discomfort in a way that will bring men closer to Himself, then who am I to argue? If I want the heart of God, (and believe me I do!) then I must be willing to change my thinking. I must fix my eyes on that which is most important and not turn them aside. He will heal everything that is broken in me in the meantime.

I whispered back to Him, "I believe you. I believe your Word. I believe that you are with me. I believe that you see me. I believe that you have protected me, and continue to protect me. I believe that you are good and that you desire good for me. I believe that you have never left me. You have never forsaken me. You have been beside me through every season, in spite of my sin, and you love me just the same. I believe that you will provide all that I need in just the right time, and in fact have already provided it. I believe because my situation does not determine the truth. Your truth will determine the outcome of my situation."

I felt like for a minute, I got it. I had heard a secret that was too good not to share. I believed. I remembered His Word, "... blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." John 20:29. Yes God, I believe you. I choose to believe you. In a moment's time that morning, peace absolutely washed over me. I knew. I believed all over again.

Not even an hour later, that very same morning, my phone rang with an opportunity that may very well be God's best answer for me right now.  I look forward to seeing what His plans are with me. I am filled with hope, not because I know what is coming, but because I know who He is no matter what is coming. 

His Word tells us that the rain will fall on the righteous and the unrighteous. Good people have good things happen - and good people have bad things happen. There is no promise for a life without pain in the Word of God. But, there is a promise that even if He doesn't answer you in your time, or in the way you desire... He loves you and He will not leave you in that darkness. There is a promise that one day there will be a world without pain. Everything will be redeemed. Everything. All of my brokenness will be made whole. Every sickness will be vanquished. Those who cannot walk will be able to leap and run. Those who cannot see will have perfect vision. Everything that ails us on this earth will be done. He will redeem it all! He is coming back for us and we have reason to HOPE.

Hope... ahhh hope. I feel another post coming on... but will leave you with this one final thought.

If your life, right now, is not what you expected it would be. If it is not going according to the plans you made when you were a child dreaming of the future, I ask you to stop and evaluate a few things. Life is choices. You are where you are largely because of the choices you have made over the last 5, 10, 15+ years. I know, believe me I know, that some things are outside of your choices. But, for the most part, you are where you are because of your own choices. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15+ years (if you are given that many)? What choices are you making today to get there? I cannot sort my life into what I can do without God and what I need His help for. I would never want to say that I do that... but I do! Let me challenge you to believe God, and ask for His help with everything. Realize that maybe you don't have all the answers and you need some help from someone who has the bigger picture.  Really believe that He has good things in store for you. He loves you and He sees you. If you allow Him to direct you, while I cannot promise "easy"... I can promise the He will not change. He will not abandon. He will be faithful.

If you have no belief because you can't believe in a God that would allow "_________________" to happen. Or, you can't believe He is good, because a good God would have "_______________" .
Fill in the blanks with what you think.

I want to tell you, He is good.

My parents were divorced when I was young.
My mom died when I was 17. 
I was in an abusive marriage. 
I was divorced. 
I lost my oldest son. My firstborn... my precious Jacob. 
While in the depths of my grief, I was remarried and in an even more toxic marriage.
I had two miscarriages (one at 12 weeks and one at 24 weeks)
I lost friends, finances, and even health.
I was divorced a second time.

I carry shame. Jesus says put it down, He already carried it for me.
I carry pain. Jesus says, lean into Me, He will give me rest.
I carry scars. Jesus shows me His hands and feet and reminds me that His wounds will heal mine.
I carry guilt. Jesus says lay it down, it is no longer mine to bear.

God is not sitting up there waiting for you to clean your life up so that He can use you. He is waiting on you to see your need for Him so He can comfort you... so He can set you free... so He can bind up your wounds. I know it makes no sense to believe in that which you cannot see. But, I am telling you there is power when you believe the right things about God. There is strength and peace and hope.

If you don't have enough strength to believe.... borrow some from me. I get it. I have been in the dark places and by His grace, He has helped me to believe. He is good, my friends. He is good.

Colossians 1:13-14  "For He has rescued us and has drawn us to Himself from the dominion of darkness, and has transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption [because of His sacrifice, resulting in] the forgiveness of our sins [and the cancellation of sins’ penalty]." (Amplified Bible) 

Somewhere over the Rainbow

I have always loved the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".

Wishing upon a star... clouds far behind. Blue birds flying - troubles melting away.  Dreams coming true.

If we are being truthful, I think we all long for a place that isn't right where we are sometimes. It is those days that push us to the limits of what we think we can bear. The days where every light is red, and every meeting runs long, the kids are fighting and for some reason your head just aches. Every time the phone rings it is bad news and you just wish for a moment that you hadn't even gotten out of bed.  Those days come for all of us.  Sometimes those days seem like they will never stop coming. One hard day after another for weeks, and sometimes even years.

The wintertime of the soul.
Bleak.
Grey and so disappointing.
Disheartening to the point that you forget what the point really is.

I have been there. Day after day so dark that I couldn't remember that good days ever were. Every day waking to wonder in what way the enemy would try to tear me apart today. Fearful of what means he would use to try to send destruction to my life. Oh I am thankful to be out of that season. It seemed like it may never end. At every turn there was judgement and pain and confusion. Some of those days I could muster up a pep-talk for myself.  I could tell myself the truths I grew up on:
God is good.
He will never leave me.
He is not mad at me.
He is not punishing me because He is disappointed in me.
Love never fails.

But, some days I couldn't even make the thoughts stick, much less come to any sort of belief in them.
If you are reading this and you are in this winter season all I can say is I am sorry. Oh how I wish there were a magic formula to pull you out from that place. I wish there were words that would grab your heart so deeply that you could believe with all that you are that God is for you and not against you.  He has not hidden himself. He does not delight in your sorrow. But, I know well that words are futile in this place, and I am so sorry.

And yet, for me, today the clouds seem to be clearing away... not far behind me (yet), but I can see the sun is poking out again. It's warm rays are beaming down and wrapping me up like a cozy blanket. Oh how I have missed that! It is strange. The darkness is near enough that there are days I still want to retreat and listen to music that invites the sadness to come close and the tears to fall. Yet, the sun is beckoning me to come out and remember joy. What a strange place.

I stopped by the cemetery a few days ago.  I will be honest.  I don't do that much. My Jacob isn't there, and personally for me, I am not closer to his memory there either.  It is just the way I am wired. I would rather snuggle the blanket that he loved dearly and be in my own home - the home I was raising him in. But, today, I just wanted to stop by. It was a beautiful day and it was good for me to go. I remember choosing the verse that would be on this stone. I remember the desperation of it all. The weight of picking out the clothes and the pictures and what would be engraved and even the font. Every detail was important because my boy was so very important. Anyway, the sun broke through the clouds and I just thought it was God's little reminder that He is there.  In the heartache, He is there. In the good times, He is there. In every season of the soul... He is with me.  Such a sweet God. Such a good Savior.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

He has given me the assurance that He won't give up on me. He will work it out to completion. Of course the level to which I cooperate will determine a lot along the way. But, isn't it nice to know that He won't give up? I love that I can put confidence in that. Because it is very dissimilar to placing confidence in myself. I am well-intentioned, but oh so human. If I had to rely on myself for everything, I would be in trouble. And, without doubt, every time I rely solely on myself I get in trouble.

I flew recently and actually had the distinct pleasure of flying over a rainbow. It was interesting to look down on a rainbow instead of looking up at it. It wasn't glorious or more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, but it instantly triggered the lyrics to the song in my mind and I smiled a wide smile and let my thoughts drift to dreams I would dare to dream. Even in that, there is a breath of fresh air. Dreaming can be so good - as long as you are willing to snap back to reality in due time. Ha! I am not sure what season I am in. I still look over my shoulder for the enemy's attack... but I am pressing forward knowing that today I have something strong and secure to lean into even if the attack does come. Faith is confidence of things hoped for - and an assurance of that which we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) Faith is what holds me secure in the trials - and what gives me hope when all seems to be going well.

I liked flying over the rainbow. I liked dreaming of dreams. I like the idea of clouds being far behind me. Today has not been the easiest of days. I call it a deep breath in, deep breath out kind of day. But, I just keep breathing and remembering that all things will be worked out for good, even though in the middle it is hard to see how. And I am so thankful that eternity will be a place with no more worry or tears or pain... just love and peace and a beautiful, holy God that made the way for me. I hope you have that peace and hope in your heart today. If you are in that season of darkness, message me so that I can pray for you. You are not alone, and you should not feel alone! We were not made to try and figure it all out on our own, or to try and test the limits of our strength. We were made for community and sometimes that is messy... but it is so good when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with SAFE people.

I will leave you with a sweet blessing that my friend Mary always says to me when we part. Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

Be encouraged today that God sees you, and have a heart of gratitude for even one thing that you can see in your life that is good.  Gratitude is sweet medicine to a weary soul.

Much love my friends!
~ Christy

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.

Raw (Consider yourself warned if you choose to read on...)

“Father, this morning I come with all of me.  I am seeking your face because I am desperate.  I am hurting.  Right now you know the ways I have been wounded all the way to my soul.  You see me.  You know every part of me.  You know every person who has added to my grief, and you know every person who has sought to speak Truth to my soul and how their words are like a healing balm.  You know the pain of betrayal and rejection at a far deeper level than I do. Let me live in such a way that I bring you glory - despite my pain.  Let me rejoice in you while at the same time, thank you for giving me the freedom to grieve all the way to the depths of my heart.  Thank you that you come with life and love and grace and mercy.  Please allow those who love you to do the same.  Please allow me to let forgiveness flow from the deep places in my heart and soul.  Do not allow me to be overcome with bitterness for those who have wounded me.  I need more grace.  I need more mercy.  I need more wisdom.  I am in a time of need.  I am desperate to honor you, but I feel like I have nothing more to give.  No more grace to extend.  I want to pull back.  I want to run away.  I want to hide from the pain - and from those who continue to bring me pain.  I want to quit.  I ask for those who are in the same place as I am to know your comfort.  I ask that you would bring healing and hope and life to their spirit’s this morning as well.  Let your love pour out in tangible ways to them even now as they read this.  Bring people here who need a reminder of your love to them. I know in my mind and my heart that you are more than sufficient.  Your grace is sufficient for me - especially in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9) And so, it is that grace that I call for this morning.  Pour out your grace and your mercy in ways that are far beyond what I could ask or imagine- for me and for my wounded friends.  Thank you that you hear me.  Thank you that you know me - every single part of me.  Thank you that you are never changing and always have in store for me that which is truly good.  You alone can discern what is good.  You alone can discern what is best.  I trust you, Lord.  And I thank you that you are my Lord.  You reached out and saved me, and you save me daily still.  My heart rejoices with thanksgiving for your Son, Jesus.  My soul longs for you.  In this dry and weary land... Let me press in to know your healing.  Let me press in to know you more.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  I bless your Name.”

This was my prayer this morning.  This is really the cry of my heart today.  I am wounded.  This week has been brutal.  I have missed Jacob more and more.  The pain has not subsided.  I have watched kids walking home from school.  I am so thankful for those kids - and I am desperately praying that their parents don’t take a moment with their living children for granted.  In the midst of my grief I have been wrestling with other wounds.  Wounds from people who love God.  Wounds from people who in some ways really do love me.  But, they have wounded me.  Deeply.  In my flesh, I want to run.  I want to hide from those who continue to hurt me.  I want to pull back.  Say enough is enough.  Just leave me alone.  But, in the deep places, I cannot say those things.  There is no where to hide from the Spirit of the Lord. (Psalm 139:7) He finds me wherever I run.  Praise His name that He does!  And it is impossible to hide or flee from His love. (Romans 8:37-39)  He knows that the deeper cry in my heart is to outrun bitterness.  To allow my heart to give way to forgiveness even though it is hard - even impossible in my flesh.  There is NO GOOD thing in my flesh.  There is no good thing in me.  Except Jesus.  He is the only good in me.  Whatever thing that is beneficial that comes from me, really comes from Him.  What a relief.  Because I am worn.  In my own strength I cannot even offer kindness.

His Word is beautiful.  His grace teaches us how to love through the pain.  It gives us all we need to live right even in this age. (Titus 2:11-14) This is a dark time.  This time where people are selfish and hateful.  His Grace teaches us to wait for the blessed hope - His return.  I am soooo excited to see what He in His power will do through my weakness.  I am not strong.  And, yet, I am so thankful for that.  Because it is out of my weakness that He will show Himself mighty. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today, if you find yourself in a place of hurt and you have a desire to quit... I implore you to press in.  Press in to know God’s love.  You will not have to search hard to find it.  He will not leave or forsake you.  No matter what or who comes against you... This day He will be there to be your refuge.  Your ever present help in a time of trouble. 

With time spent with Truth and thinking on the right things... My heart says this to God now...

Father, thank you that you have heard my cries.  Thank you for the beauty that surrounds my life.  Thank you for my precious family.  Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for my children.  Thank you for my friends.  Thank you for your sweet servants who helped me yesterday - who worked hours for your Kingdom - and in so doing blessed me to the depths. Thank you for the sweet one who bought me a coffee today and offered your precious love to me in a very tangible way.  Thank you for seeing my need and always being ready to meet me right in the middle of it.  Thank you for my job.  Thank you that it affords me the opportunity to take a day like this and run away with you.  Thank you for Your provision to us in every way.  Thank you, Lord that you can take a heart overflowing with pain and fill it with peace and life.  You alone are able to do such things as that.  Thank you that you can change our bitterness and allow forgiveness to flow from deep places.  You alone are able.  Thank you that you give us the ability to capture our thoughts and make them obedient to you.  You alone are good. 

I adore you, Jesus.  I cannot make it one day without your Spirit. 

Choose to believe in the goodness of God today, friend.  It is the only true thing.  God alone has the answer to your desperate cries.  That is not fluff or some magic thing.  It is truth.  His goodness to us does not always look like what we expect.  He knows far more than we do.  But, I promise this - He is good.  Even in the darkness, He is good.

May love and grace go before and behind you today.  Thanks for stopping by.  I hope you are blessed by the ramblings of my heart. 

All my love,
Christy