What Easter means to me

 I was going to say Happy Easter to everyone via Facebook this morning, and I realized that I couldn’t just leave it at that. 

Easter has a meaning for me personally that goes beyond a two word greeting on social media. 

When I was 17, I had to wrestle with the reality of Heaven and Hell.  I had been raised all my life in church.  I knew everything my parents and Sunday school teachers had told me about Heaven and Hell.  But, when someone you love dies... Well, let’s just say you examine everything a little more closely.  My beautiful mother wrote me a letter before she died.  In it, she closed by saying it wasn’t goodbye - she would just be waiting for me in a different place, a place where there is no more pain, there are no more tears... Then she said it is just a long hello.  Good grief that woman was amazing. 


But, you see, for that to be true... You MUST have Easter.  If eternity is real, then Easter is not just one more Holiday where you eat too much and finally get together with family.  It is the day where death was defeated.  That tree in the Garden gave up its power, and life as God intended burst back onto the scene in full color. 

Jesus is Risen. 

He does not lie in a grave wrapped in linens.  He is not stuck in a place between worlds.  Right now, He is seated at the right hand of the Almighty, and He is making intercession for me, and for you.  That means He is pleading still with the Father on our behalf.  And, that also means that my beautiful mother, Cindy, and my precious, precious Jacob, are in Heaven - and they are very alive.  When I read the words that Jesus conquered death... and that He went before us to make a way... It gives way to a hope that I can not explain. 

This world is a dark and hard place many days.  I have a precious relative that struggles daily with much hate towards God.  Blaming God for the pain and the suffering that is rampant all over the world - and that his loved one suffered while on this earth.  Right now, in his grieving, I wish I could just sit with him and hug him tight.  I know that anger.  I know the feeling that goes along with “you could have stopped this - and you didn’t!!”  His is more of an “IF you could have, why didn’t you?”  If God is real and He allowed that much pain to enter into the life of one person... how could He be good?  I just want to squeeze him and tell him that this isn’t how God intended life to be. But, He did not choose to make us robots that HAD to follow Him.  He allowed choice - and thus, He allowed sin to enter the perfect beauty of what He had created and destroy the perfection and peace that comes with residing with Him.  However, and this is a big HOWEVER... when we chose wrong... He made a way to restore everything to the beauty He had originally intended.  We just can’t see it while we are here on this broken Earth.  Like a kind Father, He instructed His children, Adam and Eve not to eat of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  He didn’t just set them out there and wish them luck.. He told them don’t eat of the tree or you will surely die.  They didn’t understand what that really meant.  There wasn’t ONE OTHER thing that was withheld from them.  But, when sin entered the world - death entered with it, and the beauty that was - and the life that was, couldn’t ever be the same here on the earth.  My momma suffered here.  She had much heartache, and much physical pain.  My Jacob did not, and I praise God for that.  He had heartache and loss for certain.  But, he had not tasted the pain of cancer or any disease that robbed him of his health.  Why do some people suffer so intensely?  I believe it is because in her suffering, my momma brought much glory to her Creator.  Never did she doubt His existence, or curse Him in her suffering.  The more she felt pain, the more she longed to go Home, the Home that was available to her because Jesus went ahead of her.  He CONQUERED (utterly defeated) death.  And, because she suffered well, many came to believe in God - and in His Son Jesus.  And, though we cannot see what rewards await for our loved ones who have gone before us... We know that they are many for those who have honored the Lord with their lives.  How much more so for those who suffered long, but suffered well here on the earth.  This temporary pain has been outweighed by so much glory that they will live in forever and ever. 

Easter means eternity.  Easter means there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fear.  Easter means that the BEAUTY God intended will be restored and NEVER taken away again.  Easter means that we will rejoice together again because Jesus took all of my stuff, my ugly stuff, and traded spots with me, doing what I couldn’t do, so I could be forever with God after all. 

Easter is beautiful.  Jesus is Risen.

(photo credit to joytojourney.com)

Beauty has been restored and death has been defeated.  I want the truth of that to reside in my heart even on the days here that do not feel beautiful... Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we can not see. (NLT) 

I choose faith.  I choose hope. 

Happy Easter my friends. 

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.

My unchanging God!

I am so excited about the season of life we are entering!  I love to look forward to the things that I know God has prepared for us.  Even the hard things.  That is harder to live moment by moment than to say, but it is DEEP within my heart that He has purposed only good things for my life.  That doesn't mean only good circumstances, it means, in His economy, the things that come from the hard stuff are far more glorious than the hard things would lead you to believe. 
God's character never changes. 

I love that about Him.  He remains the same.  Everything in life changes.  Everything but God. 
He is steadfast, firm, unfailing, never ending, and completely loving.  Even when He allows us to walk through something ugly.  Even then.  He is the same. 
It has been an interesting couple of weeks.  If you were with me, like right beside me right now.  I would use my hands to make an illustration.  So, imagine with me for a minute...
My left hand holds this part of my life right now that is hard.  It is filled with struggles (almost entirely financial) and hardships.  All things out of my control, and nothing "easy" lives in that hand.  I find myself constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass... this will not be the state of our lives forever.  This financial paralysis will not forever keep me from being able to bless others financially.  That seems to be the hardest part.  I love to give gifts to people.  I am selfish in that (honestly).  I love to give someone the money for a pedicure that couldn't have otherwise had that treat.  Of course, I find it even more wonderful when I am able to go with her!  But, it is actually painful to me to hear of needs and to know of people raising support that I cannot help because my hands are bound by the financial issues surrounding our lives.  Boo.  I mean it.  Boo.
My right hand... on the other hand :)  is filled with abundance.  I finished writing my book.  I am starting a new job Tuesday that I believe with all of my heart I was made for.  I am so excited to start working - it is everything in me not to go up there every day and bug the precious lady who is working now!  I can't wait!!!   In addition, I am deeply blessed with my husband, my children and other happy "life" things that I am watching God uncover every day.  One example of this is the way He has provided exactly the right place to take my kiddos for the few hours a week I will need care for them.  He is abundant.  It is a place where, the deep things in my heart that have been waiting for so long to be stirred are finally free to jump and dance and sing!  He is giving me the desires of my heart - that He placed there long ago.  I have been long meaning to look up the verse in 2 Corinthians 1 that talks to this exactly - so I am including it here. (NIV) ¹⁸ But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not “Yes” and “No.” ¹⁹For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas and Timothy—was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” ²⁰ For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. 
This verse in and of itself is blessing me right now more than I can speak of (more on this later).  But, my right hand is literally full right now of the things that have long been "wait", and now is the time for the "yes"!  Praise Him for His precious timing!
However (now gesturing with both of my hands - lifting each up as I make my point) one overflowing with abundance, and one full of hardship, I would be the first to tell you that my God is the same God in both places.  He just chooses to manifest Himself differently in each one.  He - His character, His love and every other thing about Him is so unchanging - so very much the same in the places of hardship as He is in the places of abundance.  It is just that He cares more about the condition of our hearts than He does the condition of our wallets - and sometimes it takes the one to get to the other (sad we are in this flesh)!  He wants to teach us, and love us in those hard places because in those areas, we realize how deeply dependent we really are!  We never have control over things, and yet, often we are able to live under the illusion that we do.  But, anyone who has faced hardship at the hands of another knows the validity to this line of thinking.  No mother chooses for her child to get in a car wreck because someone else was texting, or drinking, or not paying attention.  We can train our children how not to do those things, but we have NO CONTROL over the actions of others.  Anyway, the important thing here is that there is great comfort in knowing that all of God's intentions towards me are holy and pure.  He seeks the good for us in areas that we didn't even know to be looking for it.  He is truly a gracious and merciful Father.  There is much peace in knowing that He delights in me as His child, and though His thoughts are higher than mine, and His ways higher and different than mine - He the Creator of the Universe - has it all laid out, and it is all good.
For God is good and everything He does is good.  Amen and Amen!