Hang in there

This morning is crisp and quiet. 

I don't hear the birds or see the movement of life all around me. It is just silent. 

This year has been so hard for so many of you. Pain and loss have come. Sometimes making it hard to breathe. Kindness is hard to find, and equally hard to give. The love of many is growing cold. Hurt comes in, darkness... loneliness grips at your heart and you are scared, tired and depressed. You spend much of your time wishing this life would just get easier, or things would start to "go your way". You look around and others are struggling too, but no one quite understands you. Not in this moment. You smile, you press on. Sometimes you let people you trust know. Sometimes you let the whole social media world know. But, most of the time, you hold your hurt like a blanket - that is supposed to comfort you, but you find it brings a strange sense of comfort and pain - all mixed up together. 

Friends, there is a better way. 

Life is not easy. Loss is suffocating and the pain comes in waves. But there is more to life than this pain. If I can give you any encouragement, hear this one thing. There is more. There is a God who loves you. There is a God who sees you and cares for you. There is a God who weeps with you and is filled with compassion - to the point that He catches every one of your tears in a bottle. He knows you. He wants to draw you near. It is okay if you are angry. It is okay if you are angry with Him. It is okay if you are questioning why. It is okay if you are wrestling with trust and faith and everything around God being good. But, I promise you, He is. He is good. He is altogether lovely and He has a good plan for your life. Please know that the accuser will come to try and steal your comfort. The devil will come and accuse God and His goodness. He will say that "if God loved you, then he would have......" But, don't fall for it. This pain, these lies will only send you further into despair. You must fight to believe the truth, and you must surround yourself with those who are safe. Those who you can share your pain, your doubts, your fears with - and know that they will not try to judge you, or preach you back to "normal". There is no normal to be had here. God did not intend for the world to look like this, to act like this. Normal was a beautiful Garden, filled with light and love and beauty and no pain. We are all so aware that normal is gone. Not just in the last few years, but ages ago... the beauty and fullness of life was stolen from the earth. But, there is more. There is a place where beauty is alive and life doesn't end in tragedy. There is more. There is a time coming when all will be restored. The earth and its people will be restored and renewed. Laughter and love and peace will be everywhere. Isn't that what we long for? Tell me one thing that you dream of, one super power you wish you had... and I tell you that Heaven will be more. It will be better. We are yearning to be in eternity. We are yearning to leave this life of pain and get to the place we were created for. 

But, there is work for you to do. Believer, we are here because we are not yet finished. If you know the deep love of the Father, and the saving love of Christ, I am begging you to be a light to those around you in darkness. If you know any comfort from being in His love, lay down judgment and pick up mercy. Lay down your comforts and pick up love. No more bickering. No more slandering. No more division and back-biting. Drop it all. Pick up compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as you have been forgiven in Christ. And over everything else, put on LOVE, which binds the rest of these in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of ONE BODY you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12) It is time for the church of God in Jesus Christ to be known for love. It is time for us to stand together and bring hope to a hopeless time. Please, lay down those things that are causing you to sin and to mistreat others, and pick up your true identity in Christ. 

Friends, even if you have never trusted God, even if you have never asked Jesus to save you from your sins, I am imploring you to try something new. This week, every time you lean towards despair, say out loud, "Jesus, come." He is so full of compassion. He is so full of love. He will always come when you call on Him. If you let Him, He will draw you close and carry the pain with you. He will not leave you alone in your despair. People will fail you. Some people will say stupid things. Some people will think judgmental thoughts. But, Jesus will not leave you. He will not fail you. He will listen and He will respond in kindness, in compassion and in tenderness He will comfort you. If you want to know more about Him - read about Him in the Bible. Pick it up and read from the Psalms, from John, from Romans... go to someone you know who prays and who you admire, and ask them to share with you what they believe and why they pray. There is hope to be had here. There is peace. There will be days ahead filled with joy and laughter. Please ask God to show Himself to you. To reveal His love for you. He is a good God. Even when it hurts. Harming you was never His plan. The one who is set on harming you will be brought to justice. In time, all will be set right, and in the meantime, Jesus will be a comfort to anyone who seeks Him. He beckons you to come, all who are weary and heavy laden. He will give you rest. 

Much love today and always, 

Christy

thoughts on hope

Today I have thought of a thousand things. Actually more I would imagine. I am contemplating the things in life that are true of this day.

People have been born today. People who will be great and people who will seem to lead lives of insignificance.
People have died today. Families are grieving and life as it was will never again be.
People are celebrating anniversaries, and people are mourning losses from years past.
People are achieving great success in business and others are losing everything.

It reminds me of Ecclesiastes (and by weird association, the movie, Footloose).
There is a time for everything under Heaven. Today your time may look different than mine. In fact, it is quite likely that it looks differently.

But there is one thing that is constant. For this day, this minute, this year and for all times past and forevermore, God loves. He does not change. He is the only thing constant in this ever-changing world. He carries the seasons, both in nature and in our lives. He carries Truth and Justice and Love - perfectly. He is not off balance or fickle. He is utterly other-than. Holy and full of grace.

Today I have thought a lot about HOPE. Everyone needs hope. Everyone.
This month and this week particularly, I need hope. But, I need hope with a capital J.
We spend most days avoiding pain in every way we can. We want to do good on our quiz, have a productive day at work, leave a good impression... we want to celebrate and enjoy and have fun. We bristle at the thought of hard days. Days when all of the things just don't go well. The days when we feel sick, or we just look yucky, or we are overwhelmed by everyone's demands over us. Those days don't end screaming - there is hope! They end with a sigh and a "good riddance" in our hearts. But true hope is found only in Jesus. Today we talked about Jesus a great deal. He is actually one of my favorite persons of interest. This God-man who left eternity and everything good to join us in the depravity of life on earth fascinates me. This one who we sing about - conquering death and giving us victory over sin and the grave. Some days I find it easier to believe that He conquered the grave more easily than I can wrap my mind around the fact that He finished sin in me. He forever paid my debt and took on my shame. My shame. What kind of a man would do this? What kind of a Father would volunteer His baby Son to live that life?

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son. That whosever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."  John 3:16 

For some reason today those words grab me in a new way - and I am so thankful. I have known that verse by memory since I was 4. I have believed that verse with my whole heart since I was 4. But, today, it makes my mind full of wonder.

Jesus conquered death. Those songs that speak of "O death, where is your sting?" I believe them - and on some days I can sing them loudly from the depths of my soul. But some days I feel so deeply the sting that death has left in my heart- and I forget that life eternal is real. I forget that the God-man paid the ultimate price so that my momma and my son would not have to know the sting of death. They only know the peace of life eternal. And, that brings me hope. Eternity is well, forever. So, though this life is filled with pain and tears and loss and death, I know that eternity is coming. And when it gets here - with all of its renewal and restoration - it will be better than anything I could've asked for or imagined.

Eternity feels so distant - and yet - it is only a breath away. Just a blink and a minute and all of life as we know it will cease to be. It's a staggering thought, really.

Live this day as if it were to be your last. Treat people like they are dealing with something bigger than you know, because they likely are. Love well and say kind things often. And, when you are short on hope, take a moment to be still and ask for the reality of eternity to take root in your heart, mind and soul.

Thanks for stopping by.
~ Christy

What Easter means to me

 I was going to say Happy Easter to everyone via Facebook this morning, and I realized that I couldn’t just leave it at that. 

Easter has a meaning for me personally that goes beyond a two word greeting on social media. 

When I was 17, I had to wrestle with the reality of Heaven and Hell.  I had been raised all my life in church.  I knew everything my parents and Sunday school teachers had told me about Heaven and Hell.  But, when someone you love dies... Well, let’s just say you examine everything a little more closely.  My beautiful mother wrote me a letter before she died.  In it, she closed by saying it wasn’t goodbye - she would just be waiting for me in a different place, a place where there is no more pain, there are no more tears... Then she said it is just a long hello.  Good grief that woman was amazing. 


But, you see, for that to be true... You MUST have Easter.  If eternity is real, then Easter is not just one more Holiday where you eat too much and finally get together with family.  It is the day where death was defeated.  That tree in the Garden gave up its power, and life as God intended burst back onto the scene in full color. 

Jesus is Risen. 

He does not lie in a grave wrapped in linens.  He is not stuck in a place between worlds.  Right now, He is seated at the right hand of the Almighty, and He is making intercession for me, and for you.  That means He is pleading still with the Father on our behalf.  And, that also means that my beautiful mother, Cindy, and my precious, precious Jacob, are in Heaven - and they are very alive.  When I read the words that Jesus conquered death... and that He went before us to make a way... It gives way to a hope that I can not explain. 

This world is a dark and hard place many days.  I have a precious relative that struggles daily with much hate towards God.  Blaming God for the pain and the suffering that is rampant all over the world - and that his loved one suffered while on this earth.  Right now, in his grieving, I wish I could just sit with him and hug him tight.  I know that anger.  I know the feeling that goes along with “you could have stopped this - and you didn’t!!”  His is more of an “IF you could have, why didn’t you?”  If God is real and He allowed that much pain to enter into the life of one person... how could He be good?  I just want to squeeze him and tell him that this isn’t how God intended life to be. But, He did not choose to make us robots that HAD to follow Him.  He allowed choice - and thus, He allowed sin to enter the perfect beauty of what He had created and destroy the perfection and peace that comes with residing with Him.  However, and this is a big HOWEVER... when we chose wrong... He made a way to restore everything to the beauty He had originally intended.  We just can’t see it while we are here on this broken Earth.  Like a kind Father, He instructed His children, Adam and Eve not to eat of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  He didn’t just set them out there and wish them luck.. He told them don’t eat of the tree or you will surely die.  They didn’t understand what that really meant.  There wasn’t ONE OTHER thing that was withheld from them.  But, when sin entered the world - death entered with it, and the beauty that was - and the life that was, couldn’t ever be the same here on the earth.  My momma suffered here.  She had much heartache, and much physical pain.  My Jacob did not, and I praise God for that.  He had heartache and loss for certain.  But, he had not tasted the pain of cancer or any disease that robbed him of his health.  Why do some people suffer so intensely?  I believe it is because in her suffering, my momma brought much glory to her Creator.  Never did she doubt His existence, or curse Him in her suffering.  The more she felt pain, the more she longed to go Home, the Home that was available to her because Jesus went ahead of her.  He CONQUERED (utterly defeated) death.  And, because she suffered well, many came to believe in God - and in His Son Jesus.  And, though we cannot see what rewards await for our loved ones who have gone before us... We know that they are many for those who have honored the Lord with their lives.  How much more so for those who suffered long, but suffered well here on the earth.  This temporary pain has been outweighed by so much glory that they will live in forever and ever. 

Easter means eternity.  Easter means there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fear.  Easter means that the BEAUTY God intended will be restored and NEVER taken away again.  Easter means that we will rejoice together again because Jesus took all of my stuff, my ugly stuff, and traded spots with me, doing what I couldn’t do, so I could be forever with God after all. 

Easter is beautiful.  Jesus is Risen.

(photo credit to joytojourney.com)

Beauty has been restored and death has been defeated.  I want the truth of that to reside in my heart even on the days here that do not feel beautiful... Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we can not see. (NLT) 

I choose faith.  I choose hope. 

Happy Easter my friends. 

I can't help myself, I just gotta say it!

Today the power of our words is just heavy on my heart. 

Seriously, our words to each other - and EVEN TO OURSELVES - can be so live-giving, or very much life-taking.  Scripture says it like this. Proverbs 18:21,  “The tongue has the power of life and death.”   and Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  

I am not suggesting that you will actually make someone take their own life with your words - but consider this...  How many times have people killed your dreams - your vision, your excitement with a negative word?  I know for me, it is too many to count.  

Our words are powerful.  Especially the way we talk to ourselves in our own mind.  Or out loud.  That’s me... I talk to myself out loud.  I drop something and it breaks, and my first thought or spoken word is, “way to go clutz”... Or, “ugh, slow down stupid...” Yikes.  I am not very kind to myself. 

I want that to change.  I want that to change for you too!  I want to issue a challenge - this next month and a half... All of March (and the remainder of February) - try to ONLY say kind things to other people (and yourself!)  I am not suggesting that you don’t share truth with someone if they need to hear it and it is difficult.  But, what I am saying... Drop your judgment.  Drop your negativity.  Drop your right to be right.  And just be KIND.  Speak kindly.  Speak with words full of grace and compassion.  BE NICE.

Give yourself a break.  When you mess something up, just say, “Oh well. No biggie.”  Let yourself get out of bed late and skip the first 15 minutes of school to take your kids to donuts.  Leave the house without make-up and tell yourself over and over that you look STUNNING!  Forget needing to do the dishes, lose weight, pick up the dry-cleaning.  Take a day to just stop and enjoy the beautiful sun... the birds chirping, and the laughter that can be had when you quit taking everything so damn seriously.  (Sorry, I got a little out of hand... But really...)

Extend that same break to other people.  Let them be 15 minutes late to a meeting with you.  Tip your waiter extra even when they give you crappy service.  Let a friend come over - all frazzled and just offer a warm smile and a lot of grace.  

God knows we could all use a little more kindness and a whole lot more grace!

Go forth and spread JOY my friends.  We have much to be thankful for if we just look for it.  Let people be thankful that they ran into you today.  :)

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.