Be angry and do not sin.

"When you are angry, wait. Stop, sit, don't move! Anger is a catalyst that stirs us into battle. Most of the battles that anger will draw us into fighting are not worthy of our blood."
                                                                              ~  The Cry of the Soul
                                                                  (Dan Allender and Tremper Longman)

My heart is stirring tonight. There is much inside that the Lord longs to heal. Things long broken that need repair and restoration. I am angry. I want to tear down and lash out. I want to pound my fists and scream hateful words. I want to expose falsehood and frankly, just let everything come to light - in my time. But, these words... these timely words are helping me to see that anger is indeed a catalyst, and one that my enemy loves to use to get me to places of despair or discouragement - or worse yet, engaged in a battle that is certainly not worthy of my blood.

I can't imagine that anyone who loves people as much as I really do could feel this way. But all the emotions are there, and I am forced to deal with them. I will not stuff them down, or push them aside. I will face them. I will be angry, and by God's grace alone, in my anger I will not sin. I will forgive. I will ask for God's heart - and His eyes of mercy and pray to have eyes of mercy. I do not want to be merciful. I want to pursue justice. I do not want to forgive. I want to lash out and say hurtful things. I am filled with all sorts of things that would never really make me feel better.  And so, I will wrestle it out with God. I will have my fit in His full view. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I will pound my fists into the ground and ask Him, "why".  He has no duty to answer me. But, it is safe for me to ask the question. He has no obligation to act in a time frame that I am comfortable with, and I am okay with that. Because He made me, and He sees. Bless His holy name, He sees.

I wrote the above statements several nights ago. 

I was indeed crying and asking for answers. And God, in His great kindness supplied me an answer that far exceeded my situational understanding. His answer, you ask?  Well, it is my joy to share.

He spoke this truth ever so softly into my heart and gave me the grace to accept it. There is nothing more precious to God than redeeming and restoring the souls of men. And in that statement, which He set gently into my heart, was my answer. All men, no matter how desperately evil or bad they are. No matter what great sins they have committed and will continue to commit. He LOVES to redeem. He LOVES to restore.  Simply because He is love. My comfort (reputation, financial situation, etc...) is not His priority. Don't get me wrong. He loves me - adores me, even. But, He gave His firstborn Son, His only Son, for the souls of men. So, while I don't like pain, or suffering, or anything of that sort... He is worthy of my affections even during the times that are painful, and if He so chooses to use me and my discomfort in a way that will bring men closer to Himself, then who am I to argue? If I want the heart of God, (and believe me I do!) then I must be willing to change my thinking. I must fix my eyes on that which is most important and not turn them aside. He will heal everything that is broken in me in the meantime.

I whispered back to Him, "I believe you. I believe your Word. I believe that you are with me. I believe that you see me. I believe that you have protected me, and continue to protect me. I believe that you are good and that you desire good for me. I believe that you have never left me. You have never forsaken me. You have been beside me through every season, in spite of my sin, and you love me just the same. I believe that you will provide all that I need in just the right time, and in fact have already provided it. I believe because my situation does not determine the truth. Your truth will determine the outcome of my situation."

I felt like for a minute, I got it. I had heard a secret that was too good not to share. I believed. I remembered His Word, "... blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." John 20:29. Yes God, I believe you. I choose to believe you. In a moment's time that morning, peace absolutely washed over me. I knew. I believed all over again.

Not even an hour later, that very same morning, my phone rang with an opportunity that may very well be God's best answer for me right now.  I look forward to seeing what His plans are with me. I am filled with hope, not because I know what is coming, but because I know who He is no matter what is coming. 

His Word tells us that the rain will fall on the righteous and the unrighteous. Good people have good things happen - and good people have bad things happen. There is no promise for a life without pain in the Word of God. But, there is a promise that even if He doesn't answer you in your time, or in the way you desire... He loves you and He will not leave you in that darkness. There is a promise that one day there will be a world without pain. Everything will be redeemed. Everything. All of my brokenness will be made whole. Every sickness will be vanquished. Those who cannot walk will be able to leap and run. Those who cannot see will have perfect vision. Everything that ails us on this earth will be done. He will redeem it all! He is coming back for us and we have reason to HOPE.

Hope... ahhh hope. I feel another post coming on... but will leave you with this one final thought.

If your life, right now, is not what you expected it would be. If it is not going according to the plans you made when you were a child dreaming of the future, I ask you to stop and evaluate a few things. Life is choices. You are where you are largely because of the choices you have made over the last 5, 10, 15+ years. I know, believe me I know, that some things are outside of your choices. But, for the most part, you are where you are because of your own choices. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15+ years (if you are given that many)? What choices are you making today to get there? I cannot sort my life into what I can do without God and what I need His help for. I would never want to say that I do that... but I do! Let me challenge you to believe God, and ask for His help with everything. Realize that maybe you don't have all the answers and you need some help from someone who has the bigger picture.  Really believe that He has good things in store for you. He loves you and He sees you. If you allow Him to direct you, while I cannot promise "easy"... I can promise the He will not change. He will not abandon. He will be faithful.

If you have no belief because you can't believe in a God that would allow "_________________" to happen. Or, you can't believe He is good, because a good God would have "_______________" .
Fill in the blanks with what you think.

I want to tell you, He is good.

My parents were divorced when I was young.
My mom died when I was 17. 
I was in an abusive marriage. 
I was divorced. 
I lost my oldest son. My firstborn... my precious Jacob. 
While in the depths of my grief, I was remarried and in an even more toxic marriage.
I had two miscarriages (one at 12 weeks and one at 24 weeks)
I lost friends, finances, and even health.
I was divorced a second time.

I carry shame. Jesus says put it down, He already carried it for me.
I carry pain. Jesus says, lean into Me, He will give me rest.
I carry scars. Jesus shows me His hands and feet and reminds me that His wounds will heal mine.
I carry guilt. Jesus says lay it down, it is no longer mine to bear.

God is not sitting up there waiting for you to clean your life up so that He can use you. He is waiting on you to see your need for Him so He can comfort you... so He can set you free... so He can bind up your wounds. I know it makes no sense to believe in that which you cannot see. But, I am telling you there is power when you believe the right things about God. There is strength and peace and hope.

If you don't have enough strength to believe.... borrow some from me. I get it. I have been in the dark places and by His grace, He has helped me to believe. He is good, my friends. He is good.

Colossians 1:13-14  "For He has rescued us and has drawn us to Himself from the dominion of darkness, and has transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption [because of His sacrifice, resulting in] the forgiveness of our sins [and the cancellation of sins’ penalty]." (Amplified Bible) 

A downward spiral with an upward perspective...

Today was a hard day.

My feelings were hurt.  My family was hurt.  But, that was, something... surmountable.  Something I have grown a little used to, and something that quite frankly stems from selfishness in some ways.

But, then, after my heart was sufficiently wounded for one day- the enemy decided to take one more punch at my weary flesh.  It stung.  It stung with the sting of death.  The feel of utter defeat. I felt like I was being devoured in one savory bite by that fierce lion that prowls for me night after night.

The news was this:  the business bank account was drained - everything was taken.  Not one penny left.

Payroll just went out - and the checks will not clear.  Not because we didn't have the money in there.  But because someone else decided they had more right to it than we do.

We have received so much help from people who love us.  We have been in awe of God each week as we watch Him provide for us in ways far too creative for us to think of.  This month has been the hardest of them all from a faith-less perspective.  We are hard pressed on every side.  People calling day and night...  everyone wanting what it is that we don't have to give.  And then, twice in three months, we have gone online to check the account and found a completely empty bank account.  An account that, prior to the money being taken - sat at its prime position in the month to pay mortgages and leases, and bills.  Indeed it was ripe for the picking.  In three months $5,000.00 has been taken from us without our consent.

It is not that we are pretending we don't owe people money - believe me we do.  It is simply that right now, because we are waiting on things to sell and a job offer to come through - we don't have anything extra to give.  We are being threatened by creditors as if we are holding out something we have- and the part that is just super draining is that we just. don't.  We just don't have anything extra.  It is by God's grace alone, through the hands of His people that we have had the things that we need.  But, some people apparently have the power to take from you when you literally don't have enough to make ends meet as it is.  It was a deep wound.  I will be honest.  I sat on the floor in my bathroom and sobbed big ugly tears.  I cried out loud - and I told Jesus that I am broken hearted.  He promises to be near to those whose hearts are broken.  His promises are true.  Always and forever, His promises are true.

I cried for so long and so deeply, that I curled up and got comfortable.  It is days like today that make me miss my mom in the fiercest of ways.  I know well what she would have done.  She would have brushed my hair.  She would have sat and brushed it for as long as she could manage - assuring me that it would all be okay.  And coming from her, I would have believed it.  I do believe it.  God's Word is Truth - even when I sit and rock myself, crying that this stress, this pressure must come to an end at some point...
Pieces of truth swirl in my mind.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  I am not carrying the right burden.  His Word is Truth.  He is for me - He is always for me.  His love knows no boundaries and He will never fail me.

We just get the wrong idea sometimes.  We believe that the hard things in life make us stronger, when the whole point is that they are supposed to make us more clearly understand our weakness.  It is in our weakness that He can prove His strength.  Praise Him that He can show Himself in a mighty way in our lives.  He can, and I believe with all of my heart - He will and indeed He already is.   I have never felt so weak, so completely inept to even handle what I have on my plate for this very minute.  I hear the growl of that lion, and my heart melts with fear.  All the while, I am sheltered in the shadow of wings - wings of a Mighty Warrior - and One who will not let me slip from His strong grip.  So, to that prowling devil of a lion, I say this, "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet I believe that His unfailing love for me will not be shaken - nor will His covenant of peace be removed - and this because my Lord has compassion on me!" (Isaiah 54:4)
We may be hard pressed on every side.  And, I surely cannot tell you what will come of things this next month... but these things I hold dear to my heart:
1.  Our God will never leave or forsake us.
2.  Perfect love casts out all fear.
3.  He (God) is good and everything He does is good.
4.  Nothing can separate us from His love.
5.  His plans for us are good.
6.  The enemy will not, and can not win, for the victory was already won on the cross.
7.  Christ is stronger.   He has saved us.  Christ is risen.  Jesus is Lord of all!

Pray for us, please.  But, thank God with us that He already knows the answer to our deepest need.  We need not utter them, for He knows the words before they come out of our mouths.  Pray that He will meet our deepest needs.  Pray that He will show Himself mighty in our lives.