One of many

I have had so many things stirring around in my heart over the last few weeks. 

Due to the random nature of writing (composing a draft while the idea is fresh), I take what I can... a scrap piece of paper, a voice note to myself, my journal or even the back of an MLS listing and write as many of my thoughts down as possible when all the words come to the surface.  It seems to grab a hold of me at times that may not be the most convenient to come and sit down at my computer and just get typing.

Because of this, I am going to be posting several chats in a row, maybe all today. Lots of thoughts about lots of things... and all just got me stirred up in some form or fashion. 

So, this is fair warning... I hope you have a minute to sit and stay a while. Grab a warm cup of coffee and join me for a little time to ponder some heart things... it is my joy that you join me here. 

Post 1: 

Valentines Day was a month and a half ago. 

Some of you just got all giddy (butterflies and all) and some of you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way, you probably have some type of strong response. Maybe you have been so hurt by this day that you have turned off all emotion towards it at all. You have shoved it all down deep and refuse to acknowledge the day in any way, shape or form. 

My pastor was teaching last month about the Shape of Love. The question of the message was this, "When your life is shaped by love, what does it look like?"

You know, I have strong feelings about what it does look like and what it absolutely doesn't look like. I used to be so bitter about this Holiday in particular. I HATED it. When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really know how to love, it can be super confusing and painful. One day a year to be told you are loved or valued and 364.5 to be treated like you are worth nothing. Or every day you hear what you want to hear but all of the words are meaningless because they are never followed up by action - or worse yet, the actions prove out a completely different thing than love. 

Ouch. 

Christians preach the message that the Ultimate love comes only from one source. I happen to agree 100% with this teaching. However, I would say so many of these Christians (myself included) have at times been some of the most unloving people on the planet. In what they believe is true Christian love, they pound you with their theologies of works and their questions (intended to make you look inside and adjust something to "please" God more with your life), or they shun you or ban you or speak out strongly against one sin theme or another, but ultimately, they just create confusion about the TRUE Gospel.

Ouch again. 

Let me give you an example or two. 1. Homosexuality. 2. Abortion. 

You wanna talk about some HOT TOPICS. And "the religious" everywhere make a ridiculous mess of something that is SO SIMPLE. They go on and on using their social platforms to put down entire groups of people they do not know or care to understand in the name of "Christianity". That is not like Jesus, it isn't Christian, it is RELIGION. The religious are who Jesus condemned... not the sinners. Sheesh. The ones who had all of their checklists checked off - these are the ones that were so blinded to their own mess that Jesus called them a brood of vipers. 

Yes, I believe that homosexuality is sin. Sex outside of marriage = sinful. 
And I also believe:
Stealing paper clips from work is a sin. 
Billing for hours that you didn't actually work is a sin. 
Gossiping in the name of prayer requests = sin
Cheating on your taxes.... you guessed it... sin. 
That little "white lie" = sin. 
The selfishness you just showed your spouse = sin. 
Glancing lustfully at that billboard, or movie star, or person walking by = sin.
Losing your temper with your child because you are stressed out = sin.
Abortion = sin.
Cussing when you stub your toe = sin.
Drinking until you feel tipsy = sin.
Neglecting the Sabbath day = sin
Your arrogance in not being able to pinpoint any particular sin in your life = sin (just to spell it out, the sin of self-righteousness and pride is lurking, my friend). 

All of this... and many many more are why Christ had to come in the first place. Just because we have made some sins socially acceptable doesn't mean that we see like God.

What did Christ do with the sinners? What did He do with the woman caught in adultery? While the Pharisees were ready to stone her to death, He drew a line in the sand... He asked for the one without sin to cast the first stone. He demonstrated to the religious that their sin stunk to high heaven... just like hers.
In this past few years I have experienced an intense level of  Pharisaical judgment brought about by my own sin and the sinful response of those who felt more holy than I am.  

A lot of people leave the church altogether over things just like this. They assume God is the same as the people who are claiming to represent Him. 

I love God. I need community. I need other Believers. There are many many churches full of people who know how to love you through sin (Christlike) rather than hang you out to make an example of you. Being an instrument to bring shame is something the Devil does. Desiring to love and restore someone is the very merciful heart of God. 


Oh how I am thankful to God that He is so unlike man. 

Don't get me wrong. There is a Biblical recipe for someone caught up in sin. There is a process that is described for one who is set against God.  But, I would tell you, not one person who on "wise counsel" shunned me, knocked on my door or came to me in person.  Not one. Not one person who gave counsel to shun me had knocked either. Do you think that Jesus was pleased with this? Do you think this was loving?  

Oh mercy. Jesus forgive them, for they know not what they do and help me forgive them too. 
Jesus forgive me because I have been just like that myself. 


**sidenote** two people did come knock on my door. They did it the right way, and God bless them, they honored God in their coming. 

My point is this. Christians should be all about showing the love of Christ. Out of everyone, we should know from the depths of our soul what God has released us from, and God forgive us when we forget it... when we reach a place where we think we are so "cleaned up" we forget why we need a Savior in the first place. When you reach a place that you think you've got it, you really don't have anything at all. You can speak in the tongues of angels and be a loud gong... nothing but an annoyance. My Facebook feed is full to the brim of loud and clanging symbols. I have filled my own feed with clanging. Where is the LOVE?
Your normal "Christian" may not be anything like this loud mouthed (or loud on Social Media) friend or co-worker. What if there really are Christians who understand they are sinful too, and that their poop stinks just like yours? 

The world really does need love. There is but one lawgiver and judge. If we are to call ourselves Christians, let's get out of His way and be the hands and feet that He created us to be. Our condemnation of any act or group - no matter how sinful - does not prove how loving we are. It tells a completely different story about us.

Let's let our lives be marked by the way we love. Let it be marked by the way we spend ourselves on behalf of the weak, the poor and the ones who need Hope and Truth. Let's feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Stand beside the broken. Let's love. 

If you get all worked up over the gay and lesbian lifestyle, maybe Jesus is calling you to befriend someone who is in that lifestyle and LISTEN to them without judging them. Maybe if you get all worked up over abortion you should go volunteer some time at a place where you can be around the women who make up the majority of those who get abortions. Maybe you need UNDERSTANDING. Maybe you need to eat with sinners. Maybe you need to sit before God a bit and ask who you have hurt by your judgement and your clanging Facebook page. Maybe you need to show love and leave the judgement to the only One who can rightfully hold that position. 

When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket LOVE is the only thing that will help. Love SURROUNDS itself with hurting people. And with that, I will leave this post and head over to a whole new topic in the next week or so... 

Peace my friends. Peace and love from this broken sinner straight to you. 

Oh MERCY!!

"There is an entire group of people stuck in their growth because they cannot receive the revelation that God delights in MERCY. So when they pray, they bargain, they try to earn, but they don't receive..."

~ Allen Hood (IHOPKC.org)

Join me on the journey I am taking.  The tag line of my blog mentions finding truth... Friends, I have heard it all. Some would say that the answers can all be found if you look deeply inside yourself. They say that everything you need is within yourself. They encourage you to continue to make yourself the focus of your life.
Don't get me wrong.  You need to be healthy, and therefore you must spend time finding out what things are good for you (life-giving) and what things are life taking... toxic people, toxic thoughts, places that take more than they give to you.  But, ultimately, there is but one thing that we need.  This world needs Jesus.  Not the Pharisaical teachings. Not the demands of the law. Not the religion that makes you focus on yourself as much as these teachers that would have you look within yourself to find truth and healing... We NEED Jesus.  There is but one answer in this world of brokenness and pain, but we are missing it because of all the distractions.  We are distracted by false teachers, we are distracted by those who (like Saul) love God and are zealous, but have no true understanding of how much they need Grace and Jesus and MERCY (in short, they have forgotten the true Gospel and exchanged it for a points program at which they feel they are excelling).

I desire mercy over sacrifice... (Matthew 9:13, 12:7 and Hosea 6:6)

Three things: act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

To the merciful I will show mercy... (Psalm 18:25, 2 Samuel 22:26)

Eyes of mercy.. eyes for mercy... oh Jesus, help us.

Some will surround themselves with teachings because their itching ears want to hear... but some pastors are so focused on taking down these other teachers... that they themselves have lost sight of the ONE THING... the Gospel.  They have become experts at pointing out the mis-teachings of every other one that they have failed to see their own mis-teachings. They have allowed the rule, the law, the commands to become more important than the One that came because NO ONE could be saved by following the law.  No One could live up to the standard. Friends, there is not one who is righteous.  NOT ONE, so how is it that anyone is supposed to find life by killing themselves to follow the laws.  Jesus help us.

When I get confused I simply have to remind myself to look to JESUS.  Often I have to remind myself because many around me want to keep pointing me back to the law.. to the rules.  But, there is LIFE in Jesus.  There is HOPE in Jesus. He offers what no man can... eternal vision.
He sees it all.
He knows it all.
He loves.
He makes Himself strong in our weakness.
We cannot preach people into Heaven.  We cannot change the world with our rules and our tearing down of other people.
We must love the way Jesus did.
Yes, that means sometimes with a hard truth, but ALWAYS and supremely more valuable is the LOVE with which we share those truths.  Some people think that the truth itself is loving, but I will tell you that God calls us to repentance through his kindness... not the beat down.

Oh friends, there is so much pain. So much hurt.  So many good causes to give to. So many people who need help and love and life and truth. So much of what we do is for NOTHING. What are we doing? How are we making a difference in this broken place? Are we just in a rut and working and living every day like this is all there is? Are we using social media to blurt out all of the ways we are offended by that which we perceive to be something other than truth according to ourselves? Are we really bringing anyone closer to God - or showing the love of Christ in that?  I don't care which side of the issue you are on.  If you love your stance more than the people on the other side of the debate you have LOST FOCUS my friend.  How do we have the kind of vision that Jesus has?

How do we make our focus the right focus?   Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. It is the only way.  When we focus on our own thoughts, wisdom and actions - and compare that to those of others we are deceived ourselves. Jesus is the only thing worthy of our attentions and affections.  When we have our view right, we can be of help to others. but, when we allow our teachings, our truths to become our lens through which we see the world, we have lost sight of that which is the BEST thing.  The only thing worth living for.

Christians beat up other Christians in the name of trying to "make sure they are saved". But, what it looks like to the world is not love or truth. It looks like arrogance and flat-out meanness.  I have lived both sides of this thing. I have been the one so full of self righteousness that I couldn't see the own log in my eye. When God revealed it to me, I had several people to make apologies to... and by the Grace of God they forgave me and now we have restored relationship.  Praise God.  At one time (and certainly still in many ways)  I had minimal understanding of the depth of the brokenness of this world and how it can affect someone. I have been distracted by Satan and focused on everything that wasn't Jesus instead of everything that was.
Jesus is the answer. I want to live in a way that honors God, but I am HUMAN. I am reckless and I am broken, and I am selfish and as much as I would like to have all of those things just purged from my life, I know that the process of purging is painful, and on this side of heaven I will not come to the end of my sinfulness.  I just won't.  Otherwise, why would I need the Gospel at all? What would Jesus mean to me if I could attain it on my own? (and please, my beloved Pharisee, don't throw at me 1 John 3:9)

The sermon on the mount was not Jesus' way of showing us that there were more rules to follow. He was showing us that we are absolutely incapable of meeting the standard. If a man (or woman) even glances at another's beauty lustfully, he/she is an adulterer.  If a man/woman hates another man/woman, he/she is a MURDERER.  Yet, all of the Pharisees would have you believe that they are not murderers and adulterers.  Oh how you are deceived!!  You who think you have found some level of holiness that the "broken" rest of us haven't found.  I know that in your mind you really do just want for people to understand the utter relief of holiness. Because I have tasted and found that the beautiful God and Jesus of the Bible are the most wonderful thing. But, I also have tasted the sharp disappointment that comes with life here on this broken earth. I have had many doubts and questions for my Creator as I have been told so many things in light of my sons sudden death. The opposite of faith is not doubt... Not according to Scripture. The opposite of faith is sight. Faith is believing in that which you cannot see. Not seeing everything. My doubt is pushing me to dig into the Scriptures in ways that I haven't in some time. I am not doubting that God is who He says He is.  I am doubting that God is who some of the teachers of my life have taught me He is.  He has been in this box. And, I am asking Him to take me deeper, to take me to a place that I understand who He is the way that Moses did.  I want Him to cover me with his hand and show me His glory.  No teacher of the law can explain to me who that is. I want to hear him, as Job did, even in the midst of correction when He rebukes him and says, "were you there when...? do you know how...?". No!  Gloriously, no!  I don't know... I don't see... but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that He does.
That is enough.
He hasn't made a mistake.
He hasn't given up on me (or you).
He isn't disappointed that he chose me (or you). And he is not mad that I am asking questions.

He loves to reveal Himself to me. And I love to find Him. I wish everyone who reads this could feel the freedom to talk with God as your friend. Jesus said that we are no longer his enemies but his friends. I am silly enough to believe that.  And I am able to be who I really am when I am with  my best friends. I don't have to pretend, or clean up.  I am just me, and that is enough.

Praise God He sees me as His beloved. He has changed my name, and No One on the earth can re-name me.  His word is all that matters. His thoughts towards me are all that matter. It is not within myself that I will find the answers. It is in Jesus that my answers will come forward. He will speak to me from the storm, in the bush.... however He desires and I am praying for a heart that will be willing to hear what He has to say.

For now, this is my mantra to myself daily.  Love God, love people, and simply, Jesus.

Peace and love to you, my friends.

And, always... if you need a friend to chat with, I am here for you.

~ Christy

Raw (Consider yourself warned if you choose to read on...)

“Father, this morning I come with all of me.  I am seeking your face because I am desperate.  I am hurting.  Right now you know the ways I have been wounded all the way to my soul.  You see me.  You know every part of me.  You know every person who has added to my grief, and you know every person who has sought to speak Truth to my soul and how their words are like a healing balm.  You know the pain of betrayal and rejection at a far deeper level than I do. Let me live in such a way that I bring you glory - despite my pain.  Let me rejoice in you while at the same time, thank you for giving me the freedom to grieve all the way to the depths of my heart.  Thank you that you come with life and love and grace and mercy.  Please allow those who love you to do the same.  Please allow me to let forgiveness flow from the deep places in my heart and soul.  Do not allow me to be overcome with bitterness for those who have wounded me.  I need more grace.  I need more mercy.  I need more wisdom.  I am in a time of need.  I am desperate to honor you, but I feel like I have nothing more to give.  No more grace to extend.  I want to pull back.  I want to run away.  I want to hide from the pain - and from those who continue to bring me pain.  I want to quit.  I ask for those who are in the same place as I am to know your comfort.  I ask that you would bring healing and hope and life to their spirit’s this morning as well.  Let your love pour out in tangible ways to them even now as they read this.  Bring people here who need a reminder of your love to them. I know in my mind and my heart that you are more than sufficient.  Your grace is sufficient for me - especially in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9) And so, it is that grace that I call for this morning.  Pour out your grace and your mercy in ways that are far beyond what I could ask or imagine- for me and for my wounded friends.  Thank you that you hear me.  Thank you that you know me - every single part of me.  Thank you that you are never changing and always have in store for me that which is truly good.  You alone can discern what is good.  You alone can discern what is best.  I trust you, Lord.  And I thank you that you are my Lord.  You reached out and saved me, and you save me daily still.  My heart rejoices with thanksgiving for your Son, Jesus.  My soul longs for you.  In this dry and weary land... Let me press in to know your healing.  Let me press in to know you more.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  I bless your Name.”

This was my prayer this morning.  This is really the cry of my heart today.  I am wounded.  This week has been brutal.  I have missed Jacob more and more.  The pain has not subsided.  I have watched kids walking home from school.  I am so thankful for those kids - and I am desperately praying that their parents don’t take a moment with their living children for granted.  In the midst of my grief I have been wrestling with other wounds.  Wounds from people who love God.  Wounds from people who in some ways really do love me.  But, they have wounded me.  Deeply.  In my flesh, I want to run.  I want to hide from those who continue to hurt me.  I want to pull back.  Say enough is enough.  Just leave me alone.  But, in the deep places, I cannot say those things.  There is no where to hide from the Spirit of the Lord. (Psalm 139:7) He finds me wherever I run.  Praise His name that He does!  And it is impossible to hide or flee from His love. (Romans 8:37-39)  He knows that the deeper cry in my heart is to outrun bitterness.  To allow my heart to give way to forgiveness even though it is hard - even impossible in my flesh.  There is NO GOOD thing in my flesh.  There is no good thing in me.  Except Jesus.  He is the only good in me.  Whatever thing that is beneficial that comes from me, really comes from Him.  What a relief.  Because I am worn.  In my own strength I cannot even offer kindness.

His Word is beautiful.  His grace teaches us how to love through the pain.  It gives us all we need to live right even in this age. (Titus 2:11-14) This is a dark time.  This time where people are selfish and hateful.  His Grace teaches us to wait for the blessed hope - His return.  I am soooo excited to see what He in His power will do through my weakness.  I am not strong.  And, yet, I am so thankful for that.  Because it is out of my weakness that He will show Himself mighty. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today, if you find yourself in a place of hurt and you have a desire to quit... I implore you to press in.  Press in to know God’s love.  You will not have to search hard to find it.  He will not leave or forsake you.  No matter what or who comes against you... This day He will be there to be your refuge.  Your ever present help in a time of trouble. 

With time spent with Truth and thinking on the right things... My heart says this to God now...

Father, thank you that you have heard my cries.  Thank you for the beauty that surrounds my life.  Thank you for my precious family.  Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for my children.  Thank you for my friends.  Thank you for your sweet servants who helped me yesterday - who worked hours for your Kingdom - and in so doing blessed me to the depths. Thank you for the sweet one who bought me a coffee today and offered your precious love to me in a very tangible way.  Thank you for seeing my need and always being ready to meet me right in the middle of it.  Thank you for my job.  Thank you that it affords me the opportunity to take a day like this and run away with you.  Thank you for Your provision to us in every way.  Thank you, Lord that you can take a heart overflowing with pain and fill it with peace and life.  You alone are able to do such things as that.  Thank you that you can change our bitterness and allow forgiveness to flow from deep places.  You alone are able.  Thank you that you give us the ability to capture our thoughts and make them obedient to you.  You alone are good. 

I adore you, Jesus.  I cannot make it one day without your Spirit. 

Choose to believe in the goodness of God today, friend.  It is the only true thing.  God alone has the answer to your desperate cries.  That is not fluff or some magic thing.  It is truth.  His goodness to us does not always look like what we expect.  He knows far more than we do.  But, I promise this - He is good.  Even in the darkness, He is good.

May love and grace go before and behind you today.  Thanks for stopping by.  I hope you are blessed by the ramblings of my heart. 

All my love,
Christy