Forgiveness

A while ago in church we had a message on forgiveness.  I am a believer in forgiveness because I know how VERY much I have been forgiven.

While I was listening (I really was), the Lord impressed these three things on my heart.

1. Unforgiveness steals your time.
2. Unforgiveness steals your peace.
3. Unforgiveness steals your freedom.

I look at my kids and I realize how quick they were to forgive when they were little (like my Cynthia).  It seems as though time and life teach a different message.  A message that if you forgive, you are just asking to be hurt more.  And, in reality, there is a bit of truth in that.  It blessed my heart to hear pastor teach that forgiveness and trust and reconciliation are all VERY different things.

I chose quite a while ago to be a person who forgives. Every painful situation gives you the opportunity to be bitter or better. I have seen bitter and it ain't pretty. So, I want desperately to choose better.  I have had my share of hurts.  And I still have my fair share of people that I do not TRUST under any circumstance, but that I have forgiven.

I have those that I am still choosing daily to forgive.

It is a choice when that feeling comes up - you know the one... the one where you see them when you weren't expecting it, and not very nice thoughts come into your mind.  Or, you are thinking about a situation from the past - and all the anger and resentment start to build back up... yep, those are God's little flags to tell you, you are still in process and need to continue to choose to forgive.

Lately I have been struggling with this more than normal. I don't know if it is because in general, I am just busier than I should be. I am not taking the moments to write, to read and to sit still and just BE. All of those things can make for a crowded mind. But, I am certain God is wanting to set me free from some heavy weights that He didn't put on me. He desires that I walk in peace and freedom of heart and mind. I don't even know what it looks like, but I am certain that forgiveness is included in the package I will be giving away. Hopefully I can get every bitter root pulled and replaced with gratitude - that would be a great victory! It seems a daunting task - and yet, I know that any time I enter into a "yes, God" moment I am entering something sweet (and often hard) and so so good.

I have many more thoughts, but am running out of time to put them on paper. I will revisit this topic. But, I want to leave you with this.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you allow abuse.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you trust that person again.
Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation of the relationship.

Forgiveness does bring peace to your heart.
Forgiveness gives you back time that you used to spend building anger and resentments. 
Forgiveness gives you freedom to walk unburdened of added pain.
Forgiveness sets your mind and heart free from unnecessary anxiety.

If choosing to forgive something/someone feels too hard, start small. Tell God you want to choose to forgive. Ask Him for grace upon grace to keep asking for a forgiving heart. Ask God to help you pray for your enemy (whoever wronged you). Ask God to help release you from the enemy who (through unforgiveness) is trying to steal your peace.

At the end of the day, forgiveness has precious little to do with the person that wronged you and much to do with your own soundness of mind and peace in your heart. Pull out the bitterness, and replace the empty spot with gratitude for what God is doing and will continue to do as you grow in forgiveness. Only God can heal the wounds that are deep within. But, I promise He is able.

Peace and rest to you friends, thanks for stopping by.
~ Christy

Too much stuff... a few resolutions and True Love...

Friends, today I am fed up with having too much stuff.

I have been in process of de-cluttering and cleaning out for several months now. It is freedom to let go of things that are taking up too much room, both mentally and physically. But, today I had a come to Jesus moment. We still have WAY TOO MUCH stuff.  I honestly don't know how we keep acquiring more. Where does it all come from for heaven's sake? I have found the more things we have, the more cluttered our space gets. Our mental, physical and emotional space is taken up by things that really don't matter and don't mean anything to us really.
Starting right now, I am going to make great efforts to have less stuff, less clutter, and fewer things that demand my time and attention. It takes effort to not have stuff.  What in the world? But, it is true. We get so many things from Daycare, from school, from church - and all these precious drawings and treasure chest toys... well, they have to go somewhere.  And, they delight the kids (for 5 minutes!), so you feel like a meany to throw them out or give them away... but I really am over all this stuff.

We need more time.

We need more space.

We need more silence.

So, in an effort to restore as many of those things at once as I can, I am giving things away.

This year I didn't really make resolutions. I am bummed about it. I was actually just too busy to do it. I am cheesy and I love to make resolutions. I love goal-setting and getting my mind to think about how much better I can be this year than last year.  It just charges me up!

So, yes.  I have a plan to eat (mostly) healthy foods most of the time. Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. That isn't a tremendous feat. But, slow and steady has been good for me. I am attending the gym on a somewhat regular basis - and it feels great. So great that I want to do it 5 days a week at least. But, sometimes time isn't made for that... it just can't be. But, my health is a priority, so it is something I place great value on.

I am making more time to read. Oh how I LOVE to read. I still read only about 1/3 as much as I'd like. But, it is more than last year. And my soul is soaking it up!!!

I am making more time to develop deep friendships. Not 120 friendships... but only a few.  Planned lunch meetings and coffee times. Planned times to just hang out or work out. And, it is good for my soul.

I have plans to start a supper club with a few of these ladies/couples. I do not cook.  Hate it even.  But, I love to eat food with people I love. It is something that we used to do with people we went to church with. We would all go - and we didn't have small families. The Benwares, The Geigers, The Reeves, and more recently, The Feldmans.  Those are memories I will have and I will treasure for as long as my mind will hold them. Relationships matter. Family matters. Breaking bread together matters. Time to be still matters.

I am getting back to the simple things and I don't think I am ever turning back. I love this. I love days I get a few hours in the sun. I love days I get a few hours with just one friend. I love days when I get to talk to a friend on the phone I haven't heard from in ages. I love the people God has placed in my path.

This past year I cut from my life several toxic relationships, and now I am able to pray for them and work towards true forgiveness. I haven't fully forgiven all of the hurts, but I found out today that I am winning in ways I didn't realize I was. Prayer is amazing for that sort of thing. Of myself I could NEVER forgive the wrongs that were done. But, with God, and His beautiful heart of Mercy, I will overcome and choose to be beautiful and not bitter.

 It is a daily choice sometimes. Let's be real... it is an hourly choice sometimes.  Ha! But, I have been amazed at the lack of drama in my life. This year has been really peaceful (with a few exceptions where crazy tried to cut in). But, I was able to keep distance from the crazy and from the drama and it has been beautiful.

I reconnected with an old friend. A dear friend. A friend that stood by me during what to that point in my life was the hardest part of my life... when I lost my beautiful Momma. Many people didn't know how to respond to me after that. So lots of friends disappeared. But a few stood by me and checked in on me regularly. This friend and I (re)found each other in some pretty broken places. Shame and brokenness had tried to write my story for the last 3.5 years and it almost had me. Discouragement and anxiety had tried to write his story. There we were - 2 very broken people in a place where "relationship" was a dirty word. And we agreed to be friends. We agreed that we were done with the idea of "happily ever after".

And in the middle of all of our cynicism, we fell utterly head over heels for each other.

We don't mince words.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.
We are honest with each other... even when it stings.
We are careful with each other, because we understand our mutual and deep need for kindness.
We respect each other.
We trust each other.
We hear each other.
We enjoy each other.
We laugh together.
We comfort each other.

He is tender and loving. He is protective and smart. He is a true gentleman, through and through.
He challenges me. He teaches me. He pushes me to be the best I can be. He loves me right where I am and encourages me to reach for the things that are important, and to forget the things that are not.
His simple questions have pierced my heart through - helping me to do and say things I should've done and said years ago.
God has used him to bring healing to the most broken places of my heart. It has been so peaceful and so beautiful.
We have never raised our voices at one another. We have disagreed, but we have always shown each other respect, and we trust each other enough to really listen. We have always worked things out, peacefully and with kindness.

We love each other in a way that we have never loved anyone before, and it has been beautiful.

But, don't miss this next part... because it is supremely important.

I sat with my beautiful friend Ginny a few months ago. Oh how I wish I lived closer to her. We could be the best of friends! We chatted for hours. It was such a sweet and precious visit that I will treasure forever. And she asked me a question. I was telling her about my love for Rob. I was telling her how sweet it was that he knew my Momma and that he was such a gentleman. I shared specific ways he had challenged me and had protected me. And, she turned to me and she asked me...  "where is your hope?" There was no accusation or judgement in her question. It was asked with such tenderness and sincerity. It went straight to my heart.
What a beautiful moment that was.
In that moment, my heart found that "my Hope is found in nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name."

Those are more than just words to an old familiar hymn to me. For the first time in my life it rung completely and utterly true.

Oh, I adore Rob. I don't know how I could possibly love him more, really, I don't. But, there is only ONE that has the entirety of my heart. There is only ONE who has held my soul together through these painful years of loss. My Jesus is my HOPE.  I laughed gently as I told her, admitting it sounded so trite, so "churchy".  But it is true. As much as I adore Rob, Jesus is better. As much as Rob has won over my heart, God had it first, and He had it fully. As much as I wouldn't want to do life without Rob, I CAN'T do life without God. It was a life-altering revelation to me and I will be thankful for that visit with her for the rest of my life.

That same visit I saw another dear friend. It was truly a journey of the soul for me. I saw a friend I had wounded through my self-righteous judgement years earlier. Oh how I hate to admit it. In the middle of it, I really thought I was loving her. I thought that I was doing the "right thing". But, it was not right. It was painful, and it was abandoning her when she needed a friend the most. We laughed together and we cried. We shared our joys and our pains. We shared stories and we hugged long. We talked of helping people find healing. We talked of God's mercy and love. We talked of peace and beautiful things. It was such a sweet sweet time. Clare you are indeed a gift in my life!



I also got to see "My Wally" and his beautiful wife Karen. Oh I cannot express how thankful I am to God for giving them to me. If I had a dollar for every time I truly have considered moving to Colorado to live near them I would be able to afford to do just that!!  I love them deeply. I love them differently than anyone on the earth. The love I have for Wally isn't able to be properly expressed, and I know to the depths of my soul he feels the same way for me. God knit our hearts together in a way that is such a gift. And Karen has such a sweet heart and a deep love for Wally!  Oh even now I want to book a flight to see them again.

My heart felt like it would explode as I boarded the plane home after that trip. I was full to the top with gratitude, stillness, peace and LOVE.

Time is a marked thing here on earth. I have no idea the number of my days, or yours. But, I want to challenge you to forgive who you need to forgive. Maybe above all, that is yourself. Love people. Hear people. Be KIND to people. Where there is hate, speak love. Where there is fear, speak peace. Where there is destruction, rebuild. With your words and with your hands be a builder of beautiful things. Do what YOU were made to do and stop trying to be someone else. Be who God made you to be, and do not be ashamed of who that is!

This year has brought me a little closer to the end of the fear of man. It has been one UGLY journey for me, this one of freeing myself from the duty of pleasing people, no matter the cost to my heart and soul.  Ha!  I had a rather large fear of what people thought of me. Truthfully, I will probably battle this on some level until I am nothing but ashes. But, I have made a break-through this year and it has been wonderful.
I look forward to whatever time I have left and have made up my mind to Love God. Love people. and Lean into Jesus.

I will accept with gratitude the things that He gives and I will praise Him where life brings me pain. Many things I do not have figured out. But, One thing I know with all of my heart. God is good.
Even when we are not, He is.

Oh February...

I feel like a crazy person. Grief can do that.

The norm for me is joy and laughter and fun. But, loss is a game changer, and the worst part is that you don't get to tell it when to hurt and when to stop.

It comes while you are driving, it comes while you are in a business meeting. When you are surrounded by a group of people... and when you are alone.

It is not a surprise that this is a difficult couple of weeks for me. Every February, on the 1st, I start down a road of memories that I cannot control. I don't want to control them I guess.  But, with the memories come fresh waves of pain. Moments when I sit crying from the deepest parts of me,  in my driveway, or in a restaurant bathroom,  tears rolling down my face and telling God how much I miss my boy. I hold it in when it is "appropriate" and duck into bathrooms when I can't hold it any longer. I am desperate for a hug... really from anyone. But, as I ache for a momma's hug, someone to say, "It's okay sweetheart, I am here..." a new wave of pain hits.

Oh momma.  Oh Jacob. How I ache to the depths of my soul for the day when all things will be made new.

I don't say these things because I want people to feel sorry for me. I can't explain it. I just have to get it out. I have to let people know that you don't just "move on".
Time heals is such a popular thing to think and say... but the truth is time dulls the pain a little, only God is able to heal, and I have to give Him the space and the time to do that.

I have to enter in to these moments of great pain. I have to allow myself to really feel the loss, even when it feels that I can't breathe. Even when it feels like it will tear me apart, and my heart may just stop beating for the weight of it all.  I have to expose the lie that I am strong... or that anyone is strong enough to deal with loss like this. The truth is I am not strong. I am weak.  I am so weak... but my God is not. He is strong enough. He is able... when I am not... He is.

He is enough.

He did not prevent the pain. He does not magically stop the hurt. But, He does not leave me alone in it either. He is the comforter... and in ways only He knows how, He reaches down from Heaven and He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me that I am loved as a daughter, and He is not finished with me yet. I am here, and that means I have work left to do.

I do not know the pain you hold in your heart today friend. I do not know the pain that you are grasping to wrap your mind around. I do not understand your struggle... but I am confident that there is One who does, and He is big enough to handle it. He is loving enough to gently guide your heart through it.

I will lean in today.

I will sit quietly. I will cry loudly. I will work hard. I will rest. I will laugh. I will sit and I will sing.

And, in it all, He will be beside me. He will remind me that He delights in me and He holds me in His great big hands.

My prayer is that if you are hurting you will lean in today too. Even if it is the first time... I encourage you to speak to Him. Ask Him to show you how He loves you and open your eyes to see what He will do to prove it.

Today my confidence is not in my strength, or in the strength any man or woman on the earth can provide. My confidence, my great hope, and my peace come from the Only One who knows the depths of me, and the One who calls me His beloved daughter.

To all my grieving momma friends. Today I am saying a special prayer for your hearts. I am praying that God will wrap His love around you like a warm blanket. That He will capture your heart and your mind long enough that you hear Him whisper... "I've got you."

Believe Him and rest sweet momma. Breathe and rest in the peace He will bring to your heart.

And to all my friends that are wrestling through and struggling with a completely different kind of pain. Take heart. Press in. Your struggle is real. Your struggle is seen. And God is enough.


Much love,
Christy

**VERY raw emotions regarding Miscarriage. Please read on with caution**

Friends,

Those of you who know me, know that I share my life (probably too much of it) in a pretty open way.  My story is not for me to keep to myself.  But, today, this very early morning, I am going to share some things in the hopes that other women, who are going through a miscarriage - or have gone through can know they are not alone.

My story is not every woman's story.  Not even every woman's story who has had this same type of loss.  We are all made differently.  We all hurt differently.  We all lose differently.  I will warn you again before you read on, this is not easy to write, and I don't expect it will be easy to read.  So, please proceed knowing that these things I write are based on my opinion.  My feelings.  My emotions.  This is not a factual piece.  It is just simply how this whole journey so far has impacted my mind and my heart.  Please understand - and I cannot stress this enough(!!!)  The views that I share here are meant to inform or to help, but in NO WAY are meant to bring judgement on anyone for the way they choose to go through miscarriage.  If you share your story - and I am of the belief that it brings healing when you do - PLEASE do not make anyone feel as if your way was right and there way was wrong.  This is one of the most devastating things I have had to endure, and there is NO PLACE for condemnation here.

I went to the Dr. early on Wednesday morning.  I chatted with a sweet girl finishing up her training - that day.  She was kind and compassionate and took time to talk with me.  I told her that I didn't want the big ultrasound, or any of the screenings to see if anything was wrong with my baby.  I am of the belief that no matter what, I will not terminate a pregnancy.  So, for me, personally, I do not want to know anything that might be wrong ahead of time.   It would cause me to worry and fret until delivery, and that is not healthy or helpful.

The new (almost) physician's assistant got the machine where we could hear the heartbeat - on the outside.  She moved it around and around.  She found my heartbeat.  And she kept searching...
Because I have had 5 healthy pregnancies and deliveries, I assumed that it was her lack of experience that was playing into the fact that we couldn't locate the heartbeat.  Even still, there was something very unsettling about it.  She left the room quickly to get the bigger machine.  The machine where we can see the baby too.  And, when she came back, the Sr. Physician's assistant was with her.  This precious woman attended to me 18 years ago when I was pregnant with my Jacob, so I knew she would get to the bottom of things quickly.

She put the gel on my belly again.  And she started looking for the baby.  Very quickly she found our little one.  But, there was something so different.  I noticed immediately that there didn't appear to be movement.  You want to see movement, and the baby is surrounded by fluid, so I was desperately searching for any sign.  And that little bitty spot that pulses in and out - the heartbeat... I could always catch a glimpse by this point.  And yet, there was only stillness.  A very hard reality started to grab ahold of my heart and I just kept searching - my eyes begging to see a sign of life - a small flicker - anything to let me know my little one was just resting and not gone.

Finally, I just said it out loud.  I said, "the baby looks very still.  I don't see a heartbeat.  It doesn't look like there is a heartbeat."  And the Sr. Physician's Assistant simply whispered, "I know sweetie. I know. Me either."

The moment hung there.  The reality was right in front of my eyes literally, but my mind couldn't catch up.  I couldn't believe this was happening.

She measured our tiny peanut.  The baby measured over 12 weeks, so this had happened recently. Very recently.  Because my appointment was so early in the morning, Michael hadn't gone with me.  I had to call him, but I didn't know what to say.  I asked him to come to the hospital.  And when he asked why I told him over the phone.  He came quickly to me and we just hugged and cried.  Both of us.  Just sobbing and asking why... what happened.    I am going to skip forward by some hours.

The next few hours my mind was bombarded.  I have never walked this path.  I don't know what is coming.  I have heard of a D&C.  Some of my dearest family members and friends have had miscarriages, but I didn't know what to expect at this point.  Here is where I am going to be very frank.  Please, read on with caution - or stop reading.  I am not going to hold anything back.  The questions and thoughts that flooded my grieving mind were these:

I want to labor for this baby just like I know from before.
I do not want them to scrape my baby out of me - in pieces - with no dignity and no honor.
What will they do with my babies body?  Will they just toss it in the medical waste pile?  And if we were to opt to take the baby, what in the world would we do?  We do not own land that we could have a burial and a service.  Cremation - and a formal service would cost thousands.  Do I want to get bills in the mail for the next several years and put our family in major debt so that we can be reminded monthly as we pay them that we don't have our precious baby?  And, we KNOW that we know that we know that our baby is already with Jesus.  This is just a body - our precious little one's body - but our baby's spirit and soul are not there.  What in the world do people do?  What should WE do?

If we were to make an emotional decision we would let me labor and have our baby at home - and hold our baby and feel the whole loss.  No meds to dull the pain.  I wanted to feel the pain of it... physically, as I was emotionally.  Maybe because I wanted the baby to know his/her life mattered.  Even though it was never here on the earth to live and breathe - this baby matters to us.  This is not fetal tissue - or a mass of dna.  This is our child.  This is our baby who we rejoiced over - and how do you just leave the baby in the hospital for "disposal".  What does that even mean?  But, again...  what in the world would we do if we could even take the baby home?  It is a horrible, horrible situation to be in.  At 12 and a half weeks, our baby is formed.  Our baby looks like a very tiny baby.  Real hands, real fingers.  Real toes.  It is horrific to think about and have to make decisions regarding all of these things, truly.

When thinking of the natural delivery versus D&C we read everything we could find.  I had heard some religious women - who I know love the Lord talk about not wanting a D&C because of sort of religious reasons.  I had felt it in my own mind and heart that I didn't want that.  I wanted to just labor and hurt and cry and feel the pain of it all.  But, as we read - the stories of so many women - and the medical things behind it, I realized that there is no right way - or wrong way.  Every person, every family, every husband and wife has to decide what is best.  Our baby is gone.  Our baby is not in this little tiny vessel anymore.  This was the earthly vessel... fragile and temporary.  Our baby is already with Jesus.  My husband reminded me that when I die - I don't care what you do with my body.  I really don't.  I won't be using it again.  It is just flesh - and I will be in Heaven with my Savior.  As we stepped back - out of our emotions... we realized the dangers that lurked for me if I were to do this naturally.  And I haven't even mentioned the FEAR.  Good grief, the fear of the pain... the fear of being alone when something happened.  The fear of being at work or in public when this labor would start.  The fear of not being able to stop bleeding or crying.  The fear of my other children hearing me in labor - in pain when they know it will not bring forth a living, breathing, baby.  Every decision... every thought made my head spin around and around.

I believe in God.  I am saved by the blood of Jesus.  I KNOW that we are not given a spirit of fear - but it does not ever say that we will not be afraid.  Jesus says that we do not have to be afraid.  Over and over in the Word it says to be strong and take heart and not lose courage.  God knows that we are given to fear when we don't understand what is happening around us.  My faith on whether or not God would get us through this never wavered, but friends, it is SCARY.

Naturally, there would be cramping, contractions, labor and blood.  There could be difficulties, hemorrhaging, any number of things.  And, so back to the D&C we are taken in our minds.  It is safer for me.  My husband gently reminded me again that I am alive.  I have a family that needs me.  Our baby is gone.  Dignified, undignified, with answers, without answers... our baby will not be coming home with us.  So, making sure that we do the safest thing for me - while in my mind it seems so selfish - is actually the only logical decision for us.  Please hear me say FOR US!  I read a story of a woman who felt like I did - I had thought I wanted to be awake for the procedure.  I didn't want them to knock me out.  But, after reading what she said about the hearing - even without the feeling, I knew that I could not go through that.  I just could not.  I still feel selfish.  I still feel like people will judge us for not having a service or a proper burial.  But, we know before the Lord that we must do what is right for our family.  In this situation - that brings emotional and physical pain beyond what I can describe, every woman needs to know that the way she chooses is the right way for her and her family.

This has been exhausting.  It is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Even in all of those decisions - there are still things that linger...  What did I do wrong?  What happened?  Was this my fault?  If we get pregnant again will this happen again?  I blame myself.  We as women do that so much.  We look to blame ourselves - as if this life was ever in our hands to begin with.  We do not get to speak death and life!  That is only for God alone.  And yet, we feel so much guilt and we over analyze every detail.  God help us.  Jesus be with us.

And more thoughts...  we will be on the same floor with all of the women having their normal, healthy, and not healthy babies.  We will be hearing cries and seeing pregnant full bellies everywhere.  And we will leave with empty arms.  With a stomach that looks like there is a baby coming.  With clothes that don't fit.  It seems so wrong to put on maternity clothes.  I don't want the questions about when are we due.  I don't want to tell perfect strangers that I have had a miscarriage - and what is the alternative?  I tell them, oh we are due in February?  What the heck?  Who has the answers for all of this?

One more thing, and it is just because I know that there are other women who understand what I am feeling.  And, I want you to know - if you are going through the same thing YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  I am anxious.  I cannot sleep.  I haven't been able to since we found out.  My baby is dead inside of me.  I am holding the corpse of my precious baby inside.  It is unnerving.  I am sorry that that is so blatant and not said beautifully.  There is NO beautiful way to say it.  I go to rub my belly - or put my hand there, and all I can think of is how silly that is.  My baby does not feel me - or know that I am loving him/her.  I want to scream - and I want to be so angry.  But, sadness just keeps flooding in.

This is scary and it is terribly sad.  Around every corner there is fresh pain.  And then, there is the physical pain.  The cramping that is a reminder that something terrible is happening... has happened already, and there is no way to stop it.  It is done.

If you have made it this far, and you are not going through this - please understand that this is not something to take lightly.  You do not have to have words for the women in your life who have miscarriages.  Just have arms to hold and reminders of love.  Send flowers.  Send a message that simply says, "I love you, and I am hurting with you."  You can't make it okay.  Only God can heal our broken hearts.  But, please don't ignore it.  Please don't NOT talk about how excited you are for your baby that is coming.  Please don't think you can't rejoice that your little one is healthy and alive and growing.  Please share your pregnancy with me, and if I can't handle it, I will excuse myself.  But, I REJOICE with those who are rejoicing, and I appreciate those who mourn with me.  Your pregnancy does not hurt me.  It brings me joy - even though I have pain.  Just as I rejoice with my friends who have children that were my Jacob's age who are going to college and doing those things.  I am reminded of my loss.  I am reminded of how much I miss that precious boy - but I am so THANKFUL that you have your child.  I am so thankful that you are getting to experience that part of life with your teenager.  It is the same with other pregnant women.  Is is a reminder?  Of course.  But, right now, everything will be a reminder.  We will move forward.

And, if you are a precious woman, going through this and feeling afraid and alone.  Please take a moment and ask God to help you, to make His presence known to you.  Please reach out to any friend who will talk with you - and help you through this time.  You are NOT ALONE.  You are seen.  It is okay to grieve.  It is okay to bang your fists on the ground and just be mad and sad and scared.  Just make sure you get up, dust yourself off and get the counseling or the help you need to get through it all.

There will be sunny days again.

Life will move forward and you have a purpose and you will make it through all of this.

I have had to say this too many times.  But, I will say it again because it is just as true this day as any day before.  God is good.  No matter what, He is good.  His intentions towards us are always loving and good.  He hurts when we hurt.  He grieves when we grieve.  He holds our tears in a bottle.  Our children are on loan from Heaven.  He has entrusted us to love them as long as He has loaned them to us for.  All of our days have been numbered.  Even our precious one who didn't live a day outside of my womb.  Those days were written before 1 ever came to be.  For three months I got to carry a precious life inside of me.  It was a gift.  My God has not forsaken me, or forgotten me.  My God sees me and loves me and will bring healing to myself and my husband, and my precious children who have already grieved more loss than most adults.  Say a prayer for us.  Tomorrow is scary.

Tonight we were eating dinner outside because it was beautifully cool for Texas this time of year and my beautiful daughter Mia (6 years) asked me, "So, you are going to hurt tomorrow mommy?"  and I said, "yes."  She asked me why I would have pain.  So, I said, "Because they have to take the baby out of me, and it will hurt me."  She said okay, while she touched my shoulder. (Oh blessed God, thank you for my precious little girl.)  Then, hours later, my Jude (7 years), as I was tucking him in bed, started crying and I just tousled his hair and gave him a hug.  He, through tears said so quietly, "I don't want you to go to the doctor tomorrow."  God love him.  He doesn't want the baby to be gone.  I told him I had to.  And when he asked why, I said, "Because if I don't I will get really sick."

He just cried and I hugged him.

Our hearts are just torn up right now.  We are a mess.  Please pray for us.  Please pray for my sweet ones as they go back to school with more loss tucked under their belts.  They are hurting - even if they hide it well.  God help us.  We are desperate for His return.

Thank you for reading.  I know it isn't easy.  It is a messy, messy thing this life - and all it's death.  I will leave you with these words, because out of everything... this I know is right and true...

Psalm 34:1-10,  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.  My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.  Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together.  I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all of my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.  This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.  Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.  The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing..."

amen and amen.

Become.

What is your pain today?

That thing that has taken hold of your heart and it won't let you go, no matter how you writhe to get out from under it's suffocating grasp?

What is the voice in your mind that tells you that you'll never be enough - or you are just TOO MUCH?

Where are you just aching today?  Is there something inside that just screams out "THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!!"

I am.  This morning, I have such a heavy heart.  Pain is everywhere.  It is unavoidable.  People spend much time, energy, and money to keep themselves from pain.  And yet, pain will find them, it will search them out - and it will crush every defense they thought they had.  Now, stay with me, I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer".  I am getting around to hope.  Just hang with me for a minute.

We all build walls.  We all wear masks.  We all say what other people want us to say.  How many times in just one day do you lie to people when they ask you "Hey!  How are you?"  Almost always, "Oh, I'm fine...  and you?"  We are just trying to be nice.  They are just trying to be nice.  There is nothing essentially wrong with that.  But, I'm not talking just about the casual stranger.  I am talking about your friends.  Those that should be beside you to shoulder your burdens with you.  How many times do you really let them in on your fears?  How often do you open yourself up - getting really vulnerable?

I tend to spew my fears, my thoughts, my dreams... kind-of everything out to whoever wants to sit long enough to hear them.  So, here it is this morning... some of the deep stuff of my heart.

I long to worship.  Really worship.  When I saw "The Rend Collective Experiment" video for Build your Kingdom here - I wanted to drop everything, pick up my kids and find out where they are going next.  I want to go with them.  Now, I know that it isn't all campfires and cool instruments.  There is sweat, tears, travel...  pain... but the joy - the joy to worship with a group of like-minded people.  To travel and tell of the wonders of God's love and faithfulness...  it stirs something in me that I can't run from!  I want to sing always and forever of God's love and beauty.  (Sounds so cheesy right, and yet something in you must be stirred up like this is stirred up in me). 

I long to write and to read, and to sit with the Lord day after day and then share (maybe just one person at a time, or ten, or ten thousand...  I don't care the number) what the Lord is doing... what He is teaching.  How He is reaching my heart that constantly retreats from pain. 

You see, everyone is broken. 

I am.

People are praising me right now for the way I am handling the death of my son.  They put me on a pedestal in their minds.  They think they could never handle what I am going through in the way that I am handling it.  But, while, my heart has been sincere...  every Scripture posted to FB, every blog entry has been straight from the deep places in my heart... people don't see the broken parts - the sinfulness in me.  These things are not as visible...  and one thing I know about pedestals is that people come tumbling down - and the higher up they are put, the further they fall - and the more it hurts when they hit.  So, I am asking you to take me off that pedestal.  Apart from God's grace - I am wretched, pitiful, blind, poor and naked.  Really.  It is God's grace that keeps me upright.  It is God's grace that keeps bringing me back to center.

In my flesh: I am an adulteress.  I am selfish.  I am prideful.  I am full of lust and greed.  I am broken.  I am bitter and I am mean to people who hurt me.

But, because of Christ, and only by God's grace, I am clothed in righteousness.  I am full of peace and hope.  The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  I have access every day, all day long to all the beauty of Christ.  When I operate in it, people want to put me up high - in this lofty place.  But, I want to tell you that apart from God's grace - I cannot operate in it!  It is not me - it is Christ in me that is my hope of glory.  Over and over again I am realizing the deep truth of that.  I am human.  I am frail.  I am hurting.  I am desperate.  I am weak.  But, because of the Great I Am, I don't have to operate from those places.  I can lean on Christ's strength.  I can ask for His joy.  I can ask for His power to help me in every place that I am failing.  But, in my own strength, and in my own power, I am nothing.  I am just as wicked as any individual that has ever walked the face of this earth.

Today, I just want to be free from the labels that are put on me.  I want to be me.  Broken, but beautiful.  Unlovable, but fully loved.  Poor, but so very rich. 

Today, will you practice with me taking a few of the walls down?  Let someone you trust inside - to the deep places.  You will be hurt.  But, there is so much freedom in tearing down the walls... in becoming who you were meant to be regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.  There is so much freedom in realizing that you will hurt, but you will heal!  Everyone will hurt whether they want to or not.  So, instead of fighting it, and pretending (even to yourself) that you are invincible, take your guard down and face the hurt.  Once you have turned and looked it full in the face, you can begin to heal.  You can take a step towards becoming who you were meant to be.  God made you amazing.  God has a plan for your life.  It is a good plan.  Filled with love, loss, pain, joy, tears and laughter.  He doesn't promise an easy road.  But, He promises never to leave us all alone.  He says He will never ask me to walk through something that He won't be right beside me through.  Don't run from your pain anymore.  Today, make a decision to really look it in the face.  Really find the root of the hurt, the bitterness, the pain... and pull that thing out!  Then, turn to the Healer.  The God of the Universe that wants to bind up your wounds.  He wants to hold you while you cry.   He wants to carry the pain with you and for you.  Trust me on this one.  He longs to be everything you need if you just call on Him.  He is near.  He is pursuing you.  He wants to heal you - make you whole.  But, you have to face that brokenness.  You have to search out the pain - until you find the source, and then it must be dealt with.  I would beg you not to try to search it out on your own.  Invite God to search it out with you.  He knows you, inside and out.  He sees you, and He hears your cries.

May grace and peace go before you today. Don't miss out on one more day of the YOU that God created you to be.  Today, I exhort you to become.  Become everything that you were meant to become.  You are not your mom.  You are not your dad.  You are not your older siblings, or your younger ones.  You are uniquely YOU!  That means, one choice at a time,  you choose to be you - broken and beautiful.  Sinful and selfish.  But, longing for the righteousness and the holiness that God created you to walk in.  Because, the answer when our souls cry out that there has to be more -  is that there is more than this.   For every believer in Jesus Christ, there is much more than this.  Our hearts know that this broken world can't be all there is.  We were created for so much more.   If you haven't trusted your heart to Christ, because you:
* are skeptical
* have met too many mean and angry Christians
* can't make it make sense
* think to trust Christ means to start being judgemental
* are scared
* are scarred from your past
* can't believe in a God that allows so much pain in the world while being all powerful

Let me say this one thing.  I'm sorry.  I am sorry for the pain that has been brought to you through Christians, through the church, through the depravity of the world.  Becoming Christians doesn't make us perfect.  And, I am sorry for the people who have in their Spiritual pride made you believe that we have something that makes us better.  We don't.  Becoming a believer is about finally realizing that we are the most broken ones.  We are the ones that knew (at one time or another) that we needed saving.

People who are well don't need a doctor.  People who have it all together don't need Christ.

But, if we are honest, there isn't anyone really standing in the "have it all together" place.  No matter what it looks like on the outside.  Inside, they are falling apart.  Christians aren't better.  We just have hope that God hasn't and won't ever give up on us.  Not because we have done something great.  But, because He did something great.  I'm sorry for the people that have made that seem like we are more - I'm sorry for being one of those people too.  Sometimes, because we are human, we act stupid.  I'm just sorry for the picture it paints, and I am sorry for the way(s) it has wounded you.  Please forgive me and my fellow believers for being judgmental.  For being prideful.  For being selfish.  For still being human.  Don't disregard my God, my Jesus, on account of my being human.  Search Him out for yourself.  In the quiet of this moment.  Ask Him to be exactly what you need.  While we will hurt you and let you down - He will always be faithful.  Gandhi said it right, "I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  They are so unlike Christ."  Forgive us for not being like Christ.

If you are a Christian that thinks you are better, that thinks you do have it all together.  I exhort you to look deep into the heart of Jesus.  Ask yourself why He did what He did.  Ask yourself how you ended up in the place of the Pharisee.  And, then lay it down.  Remember the "you" that knew you needed a Savior.    Then, go out and offer the Truth to anyone who knows they are broken and need saving too.  

Become.

What is normal anyway?

This morning as I woke up I thought it would be a normal day.

As I got out of bed I prayed for a friend of mine with physical pain in her body – pain that I know nothing about, but that the Lord is gracious to remind me of.

As I took a shower, I prayed for other friends. Friends that are fighting this fight of living life right! Friends that have real hurts and needs and struggles and strongholds. I contemplated the things in life that we think are so easy, or think about so flippantly. But, things that are heavy on the Lord’s heart. Trials that we dismiss thinking they are only for other people, or think so highly of ourselves that we are somehow immune to the pain that comes with them.

As I got ready and got breakfast ready I was weak and wanted to sit down. I wanted to rest – I wanted someone to fill my cup and prepare my food. (Psalm 23:5 “You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.)

I pushed through and went up the stairs to wake my boys. Oh little one, you are cold because you have had an accident. Let’s get a bath. My big strong man of a boy – get up love, the day awaits for you…

Then my girl, my precious sleepy girl… you have had a great night! You are dry and so beautiful in your sleepiness…

As we sat down and read Psalm 7 we talked about the refuge that our God is. Oh, our God… don’t seem so far off… We are desperate to KNOW you. Why don’t we know you…

And then as they all left for school, a heaviness settled in. Not a heaviness from the enemy that is oppressive and unyielding, but a sadness seemingly from the Lord Himself. Oh, what my Savior? Why does your heart hurt this morning? And could you really want me to share the pain with you?

Oh, I believe He does want us to know that He is a God who feels. He is a God that is Almighty and All-Powerful, and yet has a heart that is grieved by His adulteress people. (Genesis 6:6 NLT, “So the Lord was sorry he had ever made then and put them on the earth. It broke his heart.”) But, He seeks one who will feel with Him and be righteous, and wholly devoted to Him. (2 Chron. 16:9, “The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are wholly committed to Him.” (Genesis 6:8 “But Noah found favor with the Lord.”)

As I read and listen to people sing of God’s love and mercy and beauty, a song plays in my ears.

“Oh capture me again, revive what seems so dim. Restore first love’s fire - my heart’s desire. I see the Beauty of Your Goodness, but I settle for something much less. Your gentle whisper, Your Presence so sweet will I walk away or sit at Your feet, Oh Jesus please break through, I don’t want to miss this moment with You…”