When the clouds reflect my heart...

The day I first penned this was a special day. It was gloomy outside. Overcast. The clouds felt heavy with rain, but there was a hint of light, of sunshine somewhere buried underneath.

My heart felt much the same way.
22 and a half years ago I became a Momma for the first time. I had NO idea what that meant for me.
I had no idea I could love another human that much.
I had no idea I had that much fear living in me. I wanted him here so badly, but as soon as he was 2 days old I panicked in my mind thinking I felt like he was safer inside. I was terrified to drive him anywhere. He was so fragile. He depended on me for literally everything. It is overwhelming and beautiful and scary and humbling.
I had no idea that at 18 months he would change into a completely different human for 2 and a half years.
I had no idea that at 4 years old my little angel boy would return.
I had no idea that at 8 years old he would test every rule and boundary all over again.
I had no idea that at almost 12 years old everyone would tell me, "Just wait til he's 12" with much trepidation in their voices.
I had no idea that at 12 my boy would make me the proudest mom in the world as he proved everyone wrong. He wasn't rebellious and difficult. He was helpful, respectful, and protective and loving.
I had no idea that the time I had with him was coming to an end so quickly.
I had no idea that just 3 years later my whole heart would be shattered.
I had no idea who the God I served really was. In truth, I still don't. But, I know Him more, and I know He is good.

On the outside I am holding back the tears, much like the clouds withhold the rain. I suspect that at some point today the flood will come. I will sit and ponder my Jacobs precious life and the gift it was to hear him call me Momma. There are days that I force myself to enter into the hard places. I force myself to stare death in the face and feel for a bit the ugly emptiness we have (on the earth) in it's wake.

I have learned so much over my lifetime about the process of grief. It is a process, and it is different for everyone. I was so young when I lost my mom (just 2 weeks past my 17th birthday) and I felt lost. I didn't know who I was. I did think I knew who God was, but I didn't know how He could help me. I forced myself to work, to move, to keep pushing forward because in the silent places the pain seemed like it would consume me entirely. Ten years later the Lord brought a beautiful young girl, Michelle into my life. She was only 6 months into her grief journey.  She had lost her mom, and her pain was so fresh. It is crazy how the Lord used her to bring healing to me in so many ways. I was supposed to be helping her through her grief, but I am convinced that she helped me more.

Just when we need it, when we are ready, God will allow the pain to come through - and He promises not to leave us alone in it. He sits with us. He feels with us. He has compassion on us. He is faithful and close while we are in the middle of our suffering.

Busy can be our friend, and busy can be our enemy. But, you cannot possibly sit in the grief you feel as a mom that has lost a child for too long. It would completely consume. It would devastate in ways that I cannot describe. So busy is often a small remedy that offers little long term, but much in the moment. 

I have more than one friend who spent their first Christmas without their child. The child they loved and sang to. The child that made them a Momma - for the first time - or joyously again. These Momma's will sit and tears will fall. They will cry out. They will ask how more than why.... how can I push through the pain and dread... the suffocating reality that someone important is missing? How can I get up, and move forward? How can I paste a smile on my face and take the next step? How can I hold the truth that God is loving even in this place? How can I trust Him when I feel so utterly disappointed and let down? How do I hold the Truth that He could have stepped in... He could have intervened and He said no? And yet, no other has been so patient. No other has been so consistent. No other has proven I am seen and heard and loved the way my Jesus has. No one has been there in the deep grief as this One. The Lord our God, the Lord is One. He is Yaweh. He is Emmanuel. He is Yeshua. He is Peace. In the utter chaos of the grief stricken mind... He comes in - His light breaks through the darkness and He whispers "I am here with you. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. My mercies are new. My way is best. And I adore you." He reminds me that there will be a day of Hope. There will be a day where all things will be made new. This One has stepped into an earth full of pain and hurt and chaos and has offered to restore and redeem the most broken parts of our lives and our stories. During Christmas it is time to remember that the Hope we have is not grounded in anything that is tangible here. It is rooted in the One that cannot be uprooted. 

Now we usher in a new year. Ahead we have 365 opportunities to live in a loving way, with ourselves, and with others. If I could, I would usher a challenge to the whole world. I would ask everyone to take 2 minutes every day, right as they wake up, to pause... to look up to Heaven and ask God for his help and a revelation of His love to them, individually. If we only knew how much He longs to comfort, He longs to bring healing and comfort in the midst of the pain, it would change literally everything. Today I am asking that you would know Him more deeply than ever before - and for those of you who reject God and His gift - Jesus, I pray you would come to know Him. That you would be open to the love and the healing He has for you. Life as a believer is not easy, or dull, or free from pain. But, there is no place more comforting than the arms of Christ. Truly, nothing compares to the great love that He has for you, and for me. 

May your new year be blessed, not with stuff that fades and things that will bring temporary pleasures, but with a Hope that is unshakable, with a Peace that passes all understanding, with a Joy that cannot be stolen, and Faith that leads to a remaking and a renewal of your soul. 

Much Love, 

Christy

I am not alone...

The title for this post came so easily.

I am not alone.

The Truth residing in those words is all we have to hang on to some days.  It is true.  No matter which days it doesn't feel true.  God's Word is true, and it is true when we feel it, and true when we do not.

I thank God for His grace to believe that - because it is only by His grace I do.

This past month has been something difficult to understand, something difficult to put into words.  Have we all felt that way?  Haven't most of the days become overwhelming?  Haven't we wearied ourselves with work and with worries to the point of forgetting that this earth is not where we will be forever?  Haven't we taken up residence here as if this is all there is?  I am tired of living that way.  I am tired of living as if this earth and all it has is all that will be.  How pitiful if it were.

Thank God, friends.  There is much more.  There is a crystal river that flows from a throne.  And those who have trusted Jesus for eternity will never grow tired or weary, or thirsty or hungry or sad again.  Not ever.  Not in the presence of that river, not in the light of eternity.

On Wednesday this week, we had a Dr. appointment.  Just a regular check up.  Our baby boy has been so active - and so seemingly healthy, growing inside.  It was our (almost) 6 month check up.  Last month his heartbeat was elusive.  We had to get the ultrasound machine to verify that he was just a wiggly booger, and that it was nothing worse.  Moments later we heard that sweet sound.  We saw his sweet body.  We knew he was okay.  This month, it was a repeat.  The baby's heartbeat was not to be found.  In came the ultrasound machine, and I laughed a little at how this boy was giving us a run for our money.  And then came that image.  The all too familiar stillness.  The lack of a sweet blip on the screen.  The silence.

No heartbeat.

No movement.

Just stillness.

In shock I sat staring at the screen.  Just shock.  There were no words.  My mind became blurry.  My thoughts couldn't connect.  I literally couldn't think.  I couldn't move or speak.

I have known the loss of 2 children already on the earth.  One I held and I raised for 15 years.  One I never held... never knew if it was a boy or a girl.  12.5 weeks I carried that sweet one inside.  Longing for the day I would get to hold him/her that never came.

Not again, Lord.  Please.  I BEGGED you after the last miscarriage not to let me carry another that would end in loss.  Lord, I know you heard me.  I know you love me.  I know you want only good for me.  I asked you, Lord.  I pleaded for an empty womb before a womb that would carry a baby only part of the way.  23.5 weeks.  Almost 6 months.  2/3 of the way there.  This couldn't be.

Our ways are simply not His ways.  His thoughts are so much higher than ours.

The day drug on.  We prayed.  I prayed and believed that God would give us a miracle.  I believe with my whole heart (not believED... STILL BELIEVE - present tense) that my God is the same God that brought Lazarus from the grave after 4 days of deaths sting.  I believe that He is the same Jesus that raised people from the dead - and healed those sick with disease.  He is that God.  He is not less powerful... and He is no less loving than He ever was before.  I asked some friends to join with us, believing for a miracle.  And we prayed.  And we believed.  But, Friday night we went in and Saturday night our baby was born, and there was no breath in his lungs.  There was not light in his eyes.  Our Malachi was already with Jesus.

You see...  There are some dangerous teachings out there that steal from the Truth of the Gospel.  There are teachings that say if you believe enough... if you have enough faith, whatever you ask you shall have.  But, friends, our WILL, what seems good and right and fair to us does not dictate what good and right and fair really are.  The Word is clear that it is whatever we ask in His Name... according to HIS will, will be given.  And it has never been our actions that have healed.  It has been Jesus from beginning to the end.  Our faith can move mountains... our faith can heal.  But, we do not see all things.  We do not always know what is best, and we do not get to dictate to God who will be given life and who will pass from the earth.

The hard part of living on this side of eternity is that we are unable to really know good according to God.  We do not have the wisdom to discern the whole plan He has for our lives individually.  We just don't.

Other people would believe that God takes away because of our sin.  As a punishment - a teaching tool.  Oh how damaging to the Truth.  God is a God of justice.  He will not tolerate evil forever.  However, I plead the blood of Jesus over my life.  I have never been and never will be good enough to please God on my own.  All I have is the testimony of Jesus Christ.  The blood He spilled will be the only way that I can stand before a holy God for eternity.  It has not ever been because of my choices or my obedience that I have had blessings.  Since I was a little girl who cried out for Jesus to rescue me - I have been covered by that blood and in my God's sight I have been washed clean.  No, this was no punishment.

When we try to explain spiritual things that have understanding beyond our comprehension, we often diminish who God is.  We try to make things fit in a neat little box, and this life is not a neat little box of lessons - easy to figure out.  The only thing simple is that there is One who has gone before me, and He will never leave me.  He promises to lead me according to Truth, and under a banner of love.  And He has never broken a promise.  Not ever.

I told God that day, all day... I would praise Him from my rooftop if He brought our little one, our little Malachi James back from the dead.  But, I told Him, that even if He would not answer my prayer for the miracle I was desperate for... I would still praise Him from the rooftops.  He is not only worthy of my praise when everything in my life looks like blessings and hope from my perspective.  He is good, and He is loving even when life looks like I am sinking... drowning even... in sadness and sorrow.

I praise Him.  I praise Him from the very depths of my (grieving) soul.

His Word is True.  His heart and intentions towards me and my family are good.

He loves me.  Not because I have ever deserved it, but because of my faith that Jesus has taken my place.

I PRAISE HIM.  I cry out - sometimes without words, just from the deep places that I am not alone.  HE will NEVER EVER EVER FORSAKE ME!!  He will not.  He can not.  He is faithful... no matter if I am faithful.

I love God.  I praise Him.  So long as there is breath in my lungs, I will praise Him.

I am weary.  So weary.  Tonight my body reminds me that I have delivered a baby.  A precious boy that I held for over 5 hours.  It reminds me constantly that I am supposed to have a baby in my arms, nursing and snuggling me close.  It seems a cruel reminder.  I am not strong.  I am not super holy.

I am broken.
I am weary.
I am weak and tired and sad.
My body is hurting.  My mind is still messy.

But, the Holy Spirit inside of me is rising up... reminding me that I am not alone.  I can come to Jesus and He will give me rest.  I know that He has me hidden underneath His wings.  The song I have posted at the bottom is the perfect way to end.  It is the cry of my heart tonight.  It serves as a reminder to myself that the Truth is still True.  Hopefully it will remind you of that same thing.   Please, listen to the song and surrender the hardest places in your life to the God who will NEVER leave you if you invite Him to take over.

It does not mean that life will be easy.  Oh, my heart is grieved over my 3 babies and my momma in Heaven.  Life will not be easy.

But, there is something that is stirring deep in my soul.  In my weakness I am asking for His strength. In my sadness I am asking for His healing.  In our grief, I am asking for Him to remind me that we have the Hope of Jesus as an anchor for our wandering souls.  My hope is not of anything in this world.  My hope is that my Jesus will come again, and this world will come to an end... and there will be so much more... so much more than we could imagine in store.

Drink from the crystal river my precious momma and Jacob and sweet baby Carolyn (or Joshua) and our Malachi James.  We will be there to drink with you soon enough.  And, until then, I know Jesus will be sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us to get through this life in a way that is honoring to God.  To Him be the glory, when we understand and when we do not.

Last thought before the song...   I bought the groceries today to have a "thanksgiving meal" later in the week.  Turkey, dressing, gravy... the works.  It was accidental, but God stirred me to want to eat those things, and we will, as a family, participate in thanksgiving right here in the middle of April.  We will sit and be thankful for the children we have on the earth, still in our arms... and so many other things. Please pray for our family to embrace thankfulness during this time.  The days can be so dark if we don't choose to look for the light.


Kari Jobe- I am not alone

When I walk through deep waters I know that you will be with me.
When I'm standing in the fire, I will not be overcome.

Through the valley of the shadow, I will not fear...
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will Never leave me
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will NEVER leave me.

In the midst of deep sorrow I see your light is breaking through.
The dark of night will not over take me, I am pressing into you
Lord you fight my every battle
and I will not fear

I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will Never leave me
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will NEVER leave me.

You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own
You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own

You amaze me, redeem me, you call me as your own

You're my strength, you're my defender.

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials, you've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

I am not alone. I am not alone.  You will go before me, you will never leave me

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me

I am not alone.  No I am not alone.  You will go before me.  You will never leave me.  

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me. 

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me. 

I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me.  

Take heart...

I heard yesterday (via my 11 year old) that the current stress levels of your average high school student is the exact same as those who were Psychiatric patients in the early 1950s.  (quoted by Robert Leahy in Psychology today). 

I am not educated in this.  I am not saying I have found the answer to anything, by any means.  But, I feel like they are under so much pressure because so much pressure has been placed in them to please (or to perform for) man.  They have so much desire to be recognized as worthy, or smart, or successful, or holy, or any other label that we as parents and pastors and teachers have decided they need to be.   From our pulpits (quite unintentionally I am sure) we have stopped stressing the message of Christ - the freedom of the Gospel, and we have traded it for something far less.  We have shifted the focus off of our Savior and on to our sin...  Our works...  Our everything...  But that is not what we are told to do.  We are told to “fix our eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith.”  It does not say, fix your eyes on your past... Fix your eyes on your future...  on your problems, your successes, your children, your church, your family, your career, your dreams...  You fill in the blank... But that isn’t what it says.  It says keep the main thing the main thing.  And, in my simple language - in my life EVERY DAY - this is what the Gospel says to me.  “Christy, your sins were as scarlet.  You were hopeless.  You are constantly given the choice to do right, and you choose wrong.  But, take heart.  I knew you would do this.  I knew you from the moment I created you inside of your beautiful mother.  I knew you would be filled with thoughts that were unholy.  Desires that would threaten your life and the life of those who you love.  I knew that you would be overtaken, not once, but many times by the snares of sin.  And that is why I came.  I came for you.  You needed, and still need daily my rescue.  But, fear not.  I have come.  I am here.  I see you.  I know you.  I bled for you.  I took on myself the burden, the terrible weight of all the sin that belonged to you, and I am NOT SORRY I did it.  I have no regrets, for you are my beloved.”

Wow.  Today, I needed my Jesus to remind me those very things.  He is enough.  He is always and forever enough.  Without Him I am poor, pitiful, blind, naked and so very sinful.  With Him, by His blood, I am REDEEMED.  I am changed.  I am not who I once was.  And for this, I am supremely thankful.      

On another note, just because I have been super missing this kid lately, I wanted to include pics of my Jacob.  The boy that changed my whole life - and the boy I miss with a desperation that I cannot explain.  This boy brought so much laughter... so much joy... so much life to our family.  We are trying to move forward in joy, with hope... but I will be honest... nothing will ever be the same without him.  Enjoy, as I have... these photos were snapped one after the other and he was being a toot.  I was snapping them so fast I didn't realize he wasn't sitting there smiling like he was supposed to.  At the time, I was so angry.  But now, I wouldn't trade them or the memories for anything in the world.