Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now,
or what I would be doing. Without the
ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only
imagine what would have become of me.
Today marks 2 years.
2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late
for school… never to walk back through the doors again. This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my
precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would
never see their brother again this side of Heaven. He wasn’t coming home from school. I laid
in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind
understand this reality. Sleep could not
be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and
try to rest. My body was revolting. My mind, overcome with grief.
I would be utterly hopeless.
I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on
drugs to escape the pain every day.
I
understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a
good way out from under the weight of pain.
I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.
Judge if you would like, but that is the
truth.
There is no way for me to explain
the hurt.
By God’s grace, and because of
my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that.
Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.
Without faith it is impossible to please God. This verse rattles around in my mind. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain
of what we do not see. When faith enters
the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark
clouds. Faith reminds me that my Jacob
is surely alive. More than I am. Faith reminds me that this world – all of its
80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.
Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to
Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation.
My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other
children. My hope is not that I will stay
healthy and have wealth. My hope lies in
something that is unchanging. My hope
lies in Jesus Christ. He CONQUERED
death. Before my Jacob died… death had
already been defeated. Because Christ
rose… so did my son.
When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing
from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and
understand. Worship songs have always
ministered to me in ways that nothing else could. But, I am going to be honest. Worship songs are different now. I would have sung with my hands lifted high
– singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is
without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or
takes away. And, I would have meant it –
from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had. But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go
to sing those words. Tears stream from
my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…
He has taken away.
And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or
anyone. He has tested my borders, and I
have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond
them. There was a point that my trust
waivered. Does it mean that I do not
believe God is who He says He is?
Absolutely not. But, knowing He
had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it
pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.
It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it. But, I KNOW He could have. With all that I am – all the way to my guts –
I know He could have. I have had to
wrestle with that. I have had to wrestle
with the fact that He can make good of something so bad. It doesn’t feel good. It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we
are safe. What I mean is, I do not have
the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe. Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them
– or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying. My faith does not guarantee health, or
wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a
place. In that place there will be no
more tears. There will be no more
pain. This is a guarantee, and I am
banking on it. I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven. Jesus was enough. Jesus was my full payment. And that is my hope. Nothing actually depends on me. Thank God for that. Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins. I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth. But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God. Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine. It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.
His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my
thoughts. He is much higher than I – and
even though I do not understand… I will never understand…
I can trust…
well, I can trust…
…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards
me.
That is where I am. I
am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety. Please don’t get all religious on me and say
that I am safe. Of course, my soul is
safe. And that is what counts… it really
is. But, I mean I know every day that my
children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through
it. And that, changes a person. I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to
raise my children. My mother died when I
was 17. I was not fully raised. I was certainly not without need for a
momma. And, yet, here I am. By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.
Life has been a painful journey for me. I am still healing. I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle…
desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal. I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield…
war raging all around. I am hanging
on. I am grasping at truth… and hanging
on for dear life. But, I am bloody, and
I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the
battlefield and given rest.
Don’t misunderstand.
I have peace. I am not terrified
of losing my life. I am not terrified
each day that more loss will enter my life.
I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big
hands. I know that this life will pass –
and then there will be eternal joy and safety.
But, I am still fighting for joy.
I am still waiting for healing in deep places. I am still wrestling it all out with my
God. And, the most beautiful part of it…
He delights in my heart. He delights
that I am still wrestling. He delights
in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves
me with an everlasting love. Where man
will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain
and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is
pleased with me. By His grace every day
I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and
images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter. I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to
remember there is joy. There is
goodness. There is life. There is HOPE. I rest in the fact that He sees every broken
place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is
wounded.
He is good. His heart
towards me is good. He will heal
me. And one glorious day, it will all
make sense… and I will cry no more.
Posts
