Beautiful day to be still...

What a sweet morning to sit and be still.

Birds are chirping on my back porch.  It is beautiful outside.  I have the perfect mix of quiet, the Word, and just the right temperature of coffee...  Indeed this morning it is easy to be thankful.

I haven't been here in a while.  I have missed it.  I have had so many things to say, but nothing worth saying.  I have wrestled through so many emotions, and yet, somehow, it wasn't the right time, or space to put them in writing.

Next week will be three years since I lost my Jacob.  3 years.

This past week I have struggled some days just to function in a "normal" way.  I have struggled just to breathe at moments when it all hits.  I have grieved with several other families as I have seen their loss.  Friends who are dear to me, who are going through unimaginable pain right now.  And some who I only know through the Facebook posts of others.  I know the pain.  I remember like it was yesterday the moment when the reality hit that my boy was not coming back to me.  He was gone.  I remember my friend reading Scripture to me all throughout the day and night so that I wouldn't completely lose hope.  Sleep was elusive.  Sometimes it still is.

I am so grateful for the time I had my son on the earth. SO grateful.

What a gift God gave me in that child.  What a gift for all who knew him.

In this past few weeks of loss and grieving with other families, I have realized what a gift it is to know how to pray - even though I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Truly, it is an honor for me to lose sleep in order to pray.  I am asking the Lord to keep this alive in me for many months.
You see, many people will reach out right now to offer help, and just to be there for these families.  But, in a few months time, it will be "old news".  It won't be a fresh grief for those who mean well.  Time heals for everyone but the ones who have experienced the loss first hand.  The phone calls and the meals... the prayers and the offers to help will cease because it will be far from the minds of those who are directly touched by the loss every day.  It is those times that I am begging the Lord to stir my heart to pray.  I encourage you, if you know a family who has experienced deep loss... PLEASE set an alarm on your phone for 2 months from now.  Set it as a reminder to call them, or stop by with something nice - and have time to talk about their loss.  To them, it isn't something that happened a while back.  It is something they woke up feeling this very morning.  I urge you to reach out in 4 months, and 5 months - with a word of Scripture reminding them that God is for them, and not against them.  I encourage you to pray for them weekly.  No matter how "well" someone seems to be doing, I assure you when they have experienced loss - their minds alternate between truth and pain constantly.  It is a battle not to lose hope or lose heart.

If I have any sweet friends who have experienced loss recently - or really ever - who are reading this, can I please take a minute to speak truth to you?  Will you just slowly read and process these things with me?

1. God is good.
2. His love for you is pure and perfect.
3. He has not left you or forsaken you.
4. You will have days marked by joy, more than pain again.
5. You still have a purpose.
6. You will make it through this because God will not leave you, and He will not forget.
7. You are seen. Your tears matter. You are not overlooked or passed by.
8. You are loved.
9. You are known.
10. God will help you. He will draw near. He can handle your emotions- all of them, and He will not love you less because you struggle with fear, or hopelessness, or moments of dwindling faith.  He will never pull back.  He will never accuse.  He knows your heart.  He has felt this loss.  He gave His Son... He handed Him over to suffer a horrible death - and He had to turn His face away.  He couldn't watch or intervene - because His purpose was for you and me to be able to have fellowship - unbroken fellowship with Him.  And there was only one way for that to happen.  He knows your pain.  He catches your tears in a bottle.

I rejoice today in the beauty of the day, even in the pain of these losses because this is a temporary life.  This world, and all of its brokenness is fading.  Eternity is coming.  Jesus will return. This pain will end, and we have the assurance, the blessed assurance that God will complete the work He has started in us.  He always sticks to His promises.  Always.

**VERY raw emotions regarding Miscarriage. Please read on with caution**

Friends,

Those of you who know me, know that I share my life (probably too much of it) in a pretty open way.  My story is not for me to keep to myself.  But, today, this very early morning, I am going to share some things in the hopes that other women, who are going through a miscarriage - or have gone through can know they are not alone.

My story is not every woman's story.  Not even every woman's story who has had this same type of loss.  We are all made differently.  We all hurt differently.  We all lose differently.  I will warn you again before you read on, this is not easy to write, and I don't expect it will be easy to read.  So, please proceed knowing that these things I write are based on my opinion.  My feelings.  My emotions.  This is not a factual piece.  It is just simply how this whole journey so far has impacted my mind and my heart.  Please understand - and I cannot stress this enough(!!!)  The views that I share here are meant to inform or to help, but in NO WAY are meant to bring judgement on anyone for the way they choose to go through miscarriage.  If you share your story - and I am of the belief that it brings healing when you do - PLEASE do not make anyone feel as if your way was right and there way was wrong.  This is one of the most devastating things I have had to endure, and there is NO PLACE for condemnation here.

I went to the Dr. early on Wednesday morning.  I chatted with a sweet girl finishing up her training - that day.  She was kind and compassionate and took time to talk with me.  I told her that I didn't want the big ultrasound, or any of the screenings to see if anything was wrong with my baby.  I am of the belief that no matter what, I will not terminate a pregnancy.  So, for me, personally, I do not want to know anything that might be wrong ahead of time.   It would cause me to worry and fret until delivery, and that is not healthy or helpful.

The new (almost) physician's assistant got the machine where we could hear the heartbeat - on the outside.  She moved it around and around.  She found my heartbeat.  And she kept searching...
Because I have had 5 healthy pregnancies and deliveries, I assumed that it was her lack of experience that was playing into the fact that we couldn't locate the heartbeat.  Even still, there was something very unsettling about it.  She left the room quickly to get the bigger machine.  The machine where we can see the baby too.  And, when she came back, the Sr. Physician's assistant was with her.  This precious woman attended to me 18 years ago when I was pregnant with my Jacob, so I knew she would get to the bottom of things quickly.

She put the gel on my belly again.  And she started looking for the baby.  Very quickly she found our little one.  But, there was something so different.  I noticed immediately that there didn't appear to be movement.  You want to see movement, and the baby is surrounded by fluid, so I was desperately searching for any sign.  And that little bitty spot that pulses in and out - the heartbeat... I could always catch a glimpse by this point.  And yet, there was only stillness.  A very hard reality started to grab ahold of my heart and I just kept searching - my eyes begging to see a sign of life - a small flicker - anything to let me know my little one was just resting and not gone.

Finally, I just said it out loud.  I said, "the baby looks very still.  I don't see a heartbeat.  It doesn't look like there is a heartbeat."  And the Sr. Physician's Assistant simply whispered, "I know sweetie. I know. Me either."

The moment hung there.  The reality was right in front of my eyes literally, but my mind couldn't catch up.  I couldn't believe this was happening.

She measured our tiny peanut.  The baby measured over 12 weeks, so this had happened recently. Very recently.  Because my appointment was so early in the morning, Michael hadn't gone with me.  I had to call him, but I didn't know what to say.  I asked him to come to the hospital.  And when he asked why I told him over the phone.  He came quickly to me and we just hugged and cried.  Both of us.  Just sobbing and asking why... what happened.    I am going to skip forward by some hours.

The next few hours my mind was bombarded.  I have never walked this path.  I don't know what is coming.  I have heard of a D&C.  Some of my dearest family members and friends have had miscarriages, but I didn't know what to expect at this point.  Here is where I am going to be very frank.  Please, read on with caution - or stop reading.  I am not going to hold anything back.  The questions and thoughts that flooded my grieving mind were these:

I want to labor for this baby just like I know from before.
I do not want them to scrape my baby out of me - in pieces - with no dignity and no honor.
What will they do with my babies body?  Will they just toss it in the medical waste pile?  And if we were to opt to take the baby, what in the world would we do?  We do not own land that we could have a burial and a service.  Cremation - and a formal service would cost thousands.  Do I want to get bills in the mail for the next several years and put our family in major debt so that we can be reminded monthly as we pay them that we don't have our precious baby?  And, we KNOW that we know that we know that our baby is already with Jesus.  This is just a body - our precious little one's body - but our baby's spirit and soul are not there.  What in the world do people do?  What should WE do?

If we were to make an emotional decision we would let me labor and have our baby at home - and hold our baby and feel the whole loss.  No meds to dull the pain.  I wanted to feel the pain of it... physically, as I was emotionally.  Maybe because I wanted the baby to know his/her life mattered.  Even though it was never here on the earth to live and breathe - this baby matters to us.  This is not fetal tissue - or a mass of dna.  This is our child.  This is our baby who we rejoiced over - and how do you just leave the baby in the hospital for "disposal".  What does that even mean?  But, again...  what in the world would we do if we could even take the baby home?  It is a horrible, horrible situation to be in.  At 12 and a half weeks, our baby is formed.  Our baby looks like a very tiny baby.  Real hands, real fingers.  Real toes.  It is horrific to think about and have to make decisions regarding all of these things, truly.

When thinking of the natural delivery versus D&C we read everything we could find.  I had heard some religious women - who I know love the Lord talk about not wanting a D&C because of sort of religious reasons.  I had felt it in my own mind and heart that I didn't want that.  I wanted to just labor and hurt and cry and feel the pain of it all.  But, as we read - the stories of so many women - and the medical things behind it, I realized that there is no right way - or wrong way.  Every person, every family, every husband and wife has to decide what is best.  Our baby is gone.  Our baby is not in this little tiny vessel anymore.  This was the earthly vessel... fragile and temporary.  Our baby is already with Jesus.  My husband reminded me that when I die - I don't care what you do with my body.  I really don't.  I won't be using it again.  It is just flesh - and I will be in Heaven with my Savior.  As we stepped back - out of our emotions... we realized the dangers that lurked for me if I were to do this naturally.  And I haven't even mentioned the FEAR.  Good grief, the fear of the pain... the fear of being alone when something happened.  The fear of being at work or in public when this labor would start.  The fear of not being able to stop bleeding or crying.  The fear of my other children hearing me in labor - in pain when they know it will not bring forth a living, breathing, baby.  Every decision... every thought made my head spin around and around.

I believe in God.  I am saved by the blood of Jesus.  I KNOW that we are not given a spirit of fear - but it does not ever say that we will not be afraid.  Jesus says that we do not have to be afraid.  Over and over in the Word it says to be strong and take heart and not lose courage.  God knows that we are given to fear when we don't understand what is happening around us.  My faith on whether or not God would get us through this never wavered, but friends, it is SCARY.

Naturally, there would be cramping, contractions, labor and blood.  There could be difficulties, hemorrhaging, any number of things.  And, so back to the D&C we are taken in our minds.  It is safer for me.  My husband gently reminded me again that I am alive.  I have a family that needs me.  Our baby is gone.  Dignified, undignified, with answers, without answers... our baby will not be coming home with us.  So, making sure that we do the safest thing for me - while in my mind it seems so selfish - is actually the only logical decision for us.  Please hear me say FOR US!  I read a story of a woman who felt like I did - I had thought I wanted to be awake for the procedure.  I didn't want them to knock me out.  But, after reading what she said about the hearing - even without the feeling, I knew that I could not go through that.  I just could not.  I still feel selfish.  I still feel like people will judge us for not having a service or a proper burial.  But, we know before the Lord that we must do what is right for our family.  In this situation - that brings emotional and physical pain beyond what I can describe, every woman needs to know that the way she chooses is the right way for her and her family.

This has been exhausting.  It is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Even in all of those decisions - there are still things that linger...  What did I do wrong?  What happened?  Was this my fault?  If we get pregnant again will this happen again?  I blame myself.  We as women do that so much.  We look to blame ourselves - as if this life was ever in our hands to begin with.  We do not get to speak death and life!  That is only for God alone.  And yet, we feel so much guilt and we over analyze every detail.  God help us.  Jesus be with us.

And more thoughts...  we will be on the same floor with all of the women having their normal, healthy, and not healthy babies.  We will be hearing cries and seeing pregnant full bellies everywhere.  And we will leave with empty arms.  With a stomach that looks like there is a baby coming.  With clothes that don't fit.  It seems so wrong to put on maternity clothes.  I don't want the questions about when are we due.  I don't want to tell perfect strangers that I have had a miscarriage - and what is the alternative?  I tell them, oh we are due in February?  What the heck?  Who has the answers for all of this?

One more thing, and it is just because I know that there are other women who understand what I am feeling.  And, I want you to know - if you are going through the same thing YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  I am anxious.  I cannot sleep.  I haven't been able to since we found out.  My baby is dead inside of me.  I am holding the corpse of my precious baby inside.  It is unnerving.  I am sorry that that is so blatant and not said beautifully.  There is NO beautiful way to say it.  I go to rub my belly - or put my hand there, and all I can think of is how silly that is.  My baby does not feel me - or know that I am loving him/her.  I want to scream - and I want to be so angry.  But, sadness just keeps flooding in.

This is scary and it is terribly sad.  Around every corner there is fresh pain.  And then, there is the physical pain.  The cramping that is a reminder that something terrible is happening... has happened already, and there is no way to stop it.  It is done.

If you have made it this far, and you are not going through this - please understand that this is not something to take lightly.  You do not have to have words for the women in your life who have miscarriages.  Just have arms to hold and reminders of love.  Send flowers.  Send a message that simply says, "I love you, and I am hurting with you."  You can't make it okay.  Only God can heal our broken hearts.  But, please don't ignore it.  Please don't NOT talk about how excited you are for your baby that is coming.  Please don't think you can't rejoice that your little one is healthy and alive and growing.  Please share your pregnancy with me, and if I can't handle it, I will excuse myself.  But, I REJOICE with those who are rejoicing, and I appreciate those who mourn with me.  Your pregnancy does not hurt me.  It brings me joy - even though I have pain.  Just as I rejoice with my friends who have children that were my Jacob's age who are going to college and doing those things.  I am reminded of my loss.  I am reminded of how much I miss that precious boy - but I am so THANKFUL that you have your child.  I am so thankful that you are getting to experience that part of life with your teenager.  It is the same with other pregnant women.  Is is a reminder?  Of course.  But, right now, everything will be a reminder.  We will move forward.

And, if you are a precious woman, going through this and feeling afraid and alone.  Please take a moment and ask God to help you, to make His presence known to you.  Please reach out to any friend who will talk with you - and help you through this time.  You are NOT ALONE.  You are seen.  It is okay to grieve.  It is okay to bang your fists on the ground and just be mad and sad and scared.  Just make sure you get up, dust yourself off and get the counseling or the help you need to get through it all.

There will be sunny days again.

Life will move forward and you have a purpose and you will make it through all of this.

I have had to say this too many times.  But, I will say it again because it is just as true this day as any day before.  God is good.  No matter what, He is good.  His intentions towards us are always loving and good.  He hurts when we hurt.  He grieves when we grieve.  He holds our tears in a bottle.  Our children are on loan from Heaven.  He has entrusted us to love them as long as He has loaned them to us for.  All of our days have been numbered.  Even our precious one who didn't live a day outside of my womb.  Those days were written before 1 ever came to be.  For three months I got to carry a precious life inside of me.  It was a gift.  My God has not forsaken me, or forgotten me.  My God sees me and loves me and will bring healing to myself and my husband, and my precious children who have already grieved more loss than most adults.  Say a prayer for us.  Tomorrow is scary.

Tonight we were eating dinner outside because it was beautifully cool for Texas this time of year and my beautiful daughter Mia (6 years) asked me, "So, you are going to hurt tomorrow mommy?"  and I said, "yes."  She asked me why I would have pain.  So, I said, "Because they have to take the baby out of me, and it will hurt me."  She said okay, while she touched my shoulder. (Oh blessed God, thank you for my precious little girl.)  Then, hours later, my Jude (7 years), as I was tucking him in bed, started crying and I just tousled his hair and gave him a hug.  He, through tears said so quietly, "I don't want you to go to the doctor tomorrow."  God love him.  He doesn't want the baby to be gone.  I told him I had to.  And when he asked why, I said, "Because if I don't I will get really sick."

He just cried and I hugged him.

Our hearts are just torn up right now.  We are a mess.  Please pray for us.  Please pray for my sweet ones as they go back to school with more loss tucked under their belts.  They are hurting - even if they hide it well.  God help us.  We are desperate for His return.

Thank you for reading.  I know it isn't easy.  It is a messy, messy thing this life - and all it's death.  I will leave you with these words, because out of everything... this I know is right and true...

Psalm 34:1-10,  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.  My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.  Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together.  I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all of my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.  This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.  Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.  The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing..."

amen and amen.

An unwanted silence

Most of the time when you say the words still or quiet it brings images of peaceful rest and wonderful silence. Well friends, it is with great sadness that I post today. It is beautiful to me how the skies are gray and cloudy... no hint of sun. It's as though God painted in the sky the very feelings of my heart. 

Yesterday morning Michael and I found out that we lost our baby. 

The ultrasound revealed no heartbeat, no movement just silence and stillness. Seeing that screen was so unexpected.  I have been so blessed to have five pregnancies without any complications or any trouble. Once we made it past the 12 week mark, there was no reason in my mind to worry. And yet, just days later our little one went to be with Jesus. Please pray for us. Tomorrow is scary and so sad for Michael and I.  We have so many emotions and so many questions. But the fact is that God is God and He is good. He is strong when we are weak... And when we don't understand, He understands fully. Only He can take our brokenness and heal our hearts. 

We are hurting. Deeply. There are not words to describe this kind of pain. 

Please pray for my babies. Maddy, Jared, Jude and Mia took the news pretty hard. It stirs up so many things. It is so real to us that this was not just tissue or a fetus. This was our baby. Formed with tiny fingers and toes and who we will name when we find out if it was a boy or a girl. They understand that a piece of our family will forever be missing. We are comforted by our faith, yet we grieve because all life is precious. 

I will share more later, but for now, please please just pray for us. Please pray for our hearts to mend and our minds to be filled with Truth. Please pray as my kiddos start school and I return to work on Monday. 

I am so thankful for a boss who has allowed me to take time off to be with my kids and rest and grieve. It is a busy time and I'm so thankful that she understands the importance of family and time to adjust and mourn. I am so thankful for my coworkers who are picking up the slack while I am away. I am blessed. I am so thankful for my Husband who has remained strong and been patient with me as I've cried almost all day for the past day and a half.  We are a mess. 

But we still bless the Lord. 

He is the Father over all of life and He alone determines the times and the seasons of this life. Slowly but steady I am trusting His hand over my life in ways that seemed impossible at one time.  Yet, we need prayer. Much prayer through this time. Much love from our family to you who read this. 

Here we are again...

My boy would've been 18 today.

He would have been getting ready for College... picked up more hours over the summer at his job with Kroger and been preparing for "real life".  Plans would have been in motion for him to move out in the next year to get his own place with his friends.  I wold have been crying some, prepping my heart and my mind for his leaving and grieving the laughter we would miss out on as he moved out and moved on to big grown up man things.  I would have been figuring out how to divvy up all the chores he did without complaining most days... and enjoying watching him make great decisions, and praying hard as he made the wrong ones...

But, that isn't our road.  Instead of these things, today is filled with a different set of joys and a different set of sorrows.  I am not experiencing the losses of watching him grow up and move to a different city, or a different state.  I am not expecting him home for cookie cake and ice cream.  My beloved boy is in a place far better than he could have been here.  And, I rejoice that he is no longer having to experience the pain of this earth.  But, my heart yearns today, a little bit more than normal to be there with him.  My mind wanders to the streets I've heard about since I was a child that are paved with gold - and the beautiful crystal river that flows straight from the throne of the King.  Songs like "Save a Place for Me", and "I Can Only Imagine" play on repeat in my mind as I think about the beauty that he experiences every day.  And, then it settles in that we will have cake tonight, without him.  We will celebrate his precious life and his precious spirit and he won't be with us.

I can't describe that.  I can't describe how much I miss my boy.

All I can ask is that if you read this, you say a prayer today for me and for my family.  Wrap us up with  prayers to the Father for our peace and our hearts to remember that His plan is good, even when it hurts.  Pray that today, somehow, God will bring more healing to our hearts.  We need it.  We will always need it.  And just because you can, hug your kids tighter than normal today.  And bless the name of God for giving them to you.  Children are a gift, no matter how much they struggle on this earth.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts a minute.  It feels good to let a little of it out.  God is good, He is faithful and His plan is good.  I know it to my core, even when my heart struggles to believe it.

What Easter means to me

 I was going to say Happy Easter to everyone via Facebook this morning, and I realized that I couldn’t just leave it at that. 

Easter has a meaning for me personally that goes beyond a two word greeting on social media. 

When I was 17, I had to wrestle with the reality of Heaven and Hell.  I had been raised all my life in church.  I knew everything my parents and Sunday school teachers had told me about Heaven and Hell.  But, when someone you love dies... Well, let’s just say you examine everything a little more closely.  My beautiful mother wrote me a letter before she died.  In it, she closed by saying it wasn’t goodbye - she would just be waiting for me in a different place, a place where there is no more pain, there are no more tears... Then she said it is just a long hello.  Good grief that woman was amazing. 


But, you see, for that to be true... You MUST have Easter.  If eternity is real, then Easter is not just one more Holiday where you eat too much and finally get together with family.  It is the day where death was defeated.  That tree in the Garden gave up its power, and life as God intended burst back onto the scene in full color. 

Jesus is Risen. 

He does not lie in a grave wrapped in linens.  He is not stuck in a place between worlds.  Right now, He is seated at the right hand of the Almighty, and He is making intercession for me, and for you.  That means He is pleading still with the Father on our behalf.  And, that also means that my beautiful mother, Cindy, and my precious, precious Jacob, are in Heaven - and they are very alive.  When I read the words that Jesus conquered death... and that He went before us to make a way... It gives way to a hope that I can not explain. 

This world is a dark and hard place many days.  I have a precious relative that struggles daily with much hate towards God.  Blaming God for the pain and the suffering that is rampant all over the world - and that his loved one suffered while on this earth.  Right now, in his grieving, I wish I could just sit with him and hug him tight.  I know that anger.  I know the feeling that goes along with “you could have stopped this - and you didn’t!!”  His is more of an “IF you could have, why didn’t you?”  If God is real and He allowed that much pain to enter into the life of one person... how could He be good?  I just want to squeeze him and tell him that this isn’t how God intended life to be. But, He did not choose to make us robots that HAD to follow Him.  He allowed choice - and thus, He allowed sin to enter the perfect beauty of what He had created and destroy the perfection and peace that comes with residing with Him.  However, and this is a big HOWEVER... when we chose wrong... He made a way to restore everything to the beauty He had originally intended.  We just can’t see it while we are here on this broken Earth.  Like a kind Father, He instructed His children, Adam and Eve not to eat of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  He didn’t just set them out there and wish them luck.. He told them don’t eat of the tree or you will surely die.  They didn’t understand what that really meant.  There wasn’t ONE OTHER thing that was withheld from them.  But, when sin entered the world - death entered with it, and the beauty that was - and the life that was, couldn’t ever be the same here on the earth.  My momma suffered here.  She had much heartache, and much physical pain.  My Jacob did not, and I praise God for that.  He had heartache and loss for certain.  But, he had not tasted the pain of cancer or any disease that robbed him of his health.  Why do some people suffer so intensely?  I believe it is because in her suffering, my momma brought much glory to her Creator.  Never did she doubt His existence, or curse Him in her suffering.  The more she felt pain, the more she longed to go Home, the Home that was available to her because Jesus went ahead of her.  He CONQUERED (utterly defeated) death.  And, because she suffered well, many came to believe in God - and in His Son Jesus.  And, though we cannot see what rewards await for our loved ones who have gone before us... We know that they are many for those who have honored the Lord with their lives.  How much more so for those who suffered long, but suffered well here on the earth.  This temporary pain has been outweighed by so much glory that they will live in forever and ever. 

Easter means eternity.  Easter means there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fear.  Easter means that the BEAUTY God intended will be restored and NEVER taken away again.  Easter means that we will rejoice together again because Jesus took all of my stuff, my ugly stuff, and traded spots with me, doing what I couldn’t do, so I could be forever with God after all. 

Easter is beautiful.  Jesus is Risen.

(photo credit to joytojourney.com)

Beauty has been restored and death has been defeated.  I want the truth of that to reside in my heart even on the days here that do not feel beautiful... Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we can not see. (NLT) 

I choose faith.  I choose hope. 

Happy Easter my friends. 

I can't help myself, I just gotta say it!

Today the power of our words is just heavy on my heart. 

Seriously, our words to each other - and EVEN TO OURSELVES - can be so live-giving, or very much life-taking.  Scripture says it like this. Proverbs 18:21,  “The tongue has the power of life and death.”   and Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  

I am not suggesting that you will actually make someone take their own life with your words - but consider this...  How many times have people killed your dreams - your vision, your excitement with a negative word?  I know for me, it is too many to count.  

Our words are powerful.  Especially the way we talk to ourselves in our own mind.  Or out loud.  That’s me... I talk to myself out loud.  I drop something and it breaks, and my first thought or spoken word is, “way to go clutz”... Or, “ugh, slow down stupid...” Yikes.  I am not very kind to myself. 

I want that to change.  I want that to change for you too!  I want to issue a challenge - this next month and a half... All of March (and the remainder of February) - try to ONLY say kind things to other people (and yourself!)  I am not suggesting that you don’t share truth with someone if they need to hear it and it is difficult.  But, what I am saying... Drop your judgment.  Drop your negativity.  Drop your right to be right.  And just be KIND.  Speak kindly.  Speak with words full of grace and compassion.  BE NICE.

Give yourself a break.  When you mess something up, just say, “Oh well. No biggie.”  Let yourself get out of bed late and skip the first 15 minutes of school to take your kids to donuts.  Leave the house without make-up and tell yourself over and over that you look STUNNING!  Forget needing to do the dishes, lose weight, pick up the dry-cleaning.  Take a day to just stop and enjoy the beautiful sun... the birds chirping, and the laughter that can be had when you quit taking everything so damn seriously.  (Sorry, I got a little out of hand... But really...)

Extend that same break to other people.  Let them be 15 minutes late to a meeting with you.  Tip your waiter extra even when they give you crappy service.  Let a friend come over - all frazzled and just offer a warm smile and a lot of grace.  

God knows we could all use a little more kindness and a whole lot more grace!

Go forth and spread JOY my friends.  We have much to be thankful for if we just look for it.  Let people be thankful that they ran into you today.  :)

Without Faith...

Without faith I cannot imagine where I would be right now, or what I would be doing.  Without the ever-steady love of my God, and His heavy hand of grace upon me, I can only imagine what would have become of me. 

Today marks 2 years.  2 years since that precious, joyful boy bounced out of my house, late for school… never to walk back through the doors again.  This day, 2 years ago, I had to sit with my precious children 4, 5, 10, and 12 years old and tell them that they would never see their brother again this side of Heaven.   He wasn’t coming home from school.   I laid in my bed, shivering and unable to become warm trying to make my mind understand this reality.  Sleep could not be found without medication and a friend reading the Word as I lay still and try to rest.  My body was revolting.  My mind, overcome with grief.

I would be utterly hopeless.  I have heard stories from momma’s who spent years – many years – on drugs to escape the pain every day.  I understand that – and there are days when it still sounds like it could be a good way out from under the weight of pain.  I have never desired so greatly to just be numb for a while.  Judge if you would like, but that is the truth.  There is no way for me to explain the hurt.  By God’s grace, and because of my other precious children, the Lord has kept me from that. 

Without faith… desperation, hopelessness, constant pain.   

Without faith it is impossible to please God.  This verse rattles around in my mind.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  When faith enters the picture – it is like a ray of light cutting through the harsh dark clouds.  Faith reminds me that my Jacob is surely alive.  More than I am.  Faith reminds me that this world – all of its 80, or90 years is a * blink * in reality.  Faith reminds me that the way I walk this out can either point people to Truth and Hope, or it can lead them into further desperation. 

My hope is not that God will preserve all of my other children.  My hope is not that I will stay healthy and have wealth.  My hope lies in something that is unchanging.  My hope lies in Jesus Christ.  He CONQUERED death.  Before my Jacob died… death had already been defeated.  Because Christ rose… so did my son. 

When “normal” people sing praise songs, they are singing from their place in life… what sorrow and what victory they know and understand.  Worship songs have always ministered to me in ways that nothing else could.  But, I am going to be honest.  Worship songs are different now.   I would have sung with my hands lifted high – singing from my guts – asking God’s Spirit to “lead me where my trust is without borders”… or telling Him that His name is blessed – whether He gives or takes away.  And, I would have meant it – from the bottom of my heart, and with all that I had.  But, now, a knot rises in my throat as I go to sing those words.  Tears stream from my eyes as I am barely able to utter the words…

He has taken away.  And, in some moments, I do not feel like blessing anything or anyone.  He has tested my borders, and I have found that my trust did have very solid boundaries, and He took me beyond them.  There was a point that my trust waivered.  Does it mean that I do not believe God is who He says He is?  Absolutely not.  But, knowing He had all POWER to raise my son to life in this life – and He chose not to do it pushed my trust to a place I can’t explain.  It seems like it would be easier to believe He couldn’t do it.  But, I KNOW He could have.  With all that I am – all the way to my guts – I know He could have.  I have had to wrestle with that.  I have had to wrestle with the fact that He can make good of something so bad.  It doesn’t feel good.  It hasn’t left me with a confidence that we are safe.  What I mean is, I do not have the luxury of imagining that I can keep my children safe.  Or, that I can pray hard enough to keep them – or myself, or my husband from getting sick or dying.  My faith does not guarantee health, or wealth… but it is a guarantee that in the life that is ahead – I have a place.  In that place there will be no more tears.  There will be no more pain.  This is a guarantee, and I am banking on it.   I have the blessed hope that my goodness will not have to be enough to get me to Heaven.  Jesus was enough.  Jesus was my full payment.  And that is my hope.  Nothing actually depends on me.  Thank God for that.  Through these times of sorrow I have grieved the Spirit of God with my sins.  I have been weighed down with shame and guilt on the earth.  But, because of Jesus, I will one day be with my beautiful mother and my precious son again for eternity for the Glory of God.  Praise God that because of Jesus, my shame and my sin is no longer mine.  It was nailed to the cross - and I have been set free.

His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is much higher than I – and even though I do not understand… I will never understand…

I can trust…

well, I can trust…

…over time, I will be able to trust His heart towards me. 

That is where I am.  I am re-learning to trust Him when trust does not insure safety.  Please don’t get all religious on me and say that I am safe.  Of course, my soul is safe.  And that is what counts… it really is.  But, I mean I know every day that my children walk out the door that they are not guaranteed to come back through it.  And that, changes a person.  I know that I am not guaranteed to be here to raise my children.  My mother died when I was 17.  I was not fully raised.  I was certainly not without need for a momma.  And, yet, here I am.  By God’s tremendous grace… here I am.

Life has been a painful journey for me.  I am still healing.  I feel in a way, like I was wounded in battle… desperately wounded… and it is taking much time to heal.  I still feel like I am laying on the battlefield… war raging all around.  I am hanging on.  I am grasping at truth… and hanging on for dear life.  But, I am bloody, and I am weary, and I am still unsure how long until I am pulled from the battlefield and given rest. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I have peace.  I am not terrified of losing my life.  I am not terrified each day that more loss will enter my life.  I know that no matter what happens… God will hold me in His great big hands.  I know that this life will pass – and then there will be eternal joy and safety.  But, I am still fighting for joy.  I am still waiting for healing in deep places.  I am still wrestling it all out with my God.  And, the most beautiful part of it… He delights in my heart.  He delights that I am still wrestling.  He delights in the broken places in me… because He knows how to bind them up – and He loves me with an everlasting love.  Where man will judge and say things (that are meant to be helpful) that bring more pain and seek to diminish the gravity of it all… My God sees my heart and He is pleased with me.  By His grace every day I press forward… and on days like this – where soul crushing memories and images flood my mind and my heart – I press in tighter.  I cry out to be held – in tangible ways – to remember there is joy.  There is goodness.  There is life.  There is HOPE.  I rest in the fact that He sees every broken place, and His one desire is to bind up the brokenness, and heal that which is wounded. 

He is good.  His heart towards me is good.  He will heal me.  And one glorious day, it will all make sense… and I will cry no more.