Stronger by the minute...

This morning that pesky predator tried in one more way to shake things up around here.

Mia had an episode.  We are unclear on if she actually had a seizure and then was passing out, or if she was just unable to breathe well, and was fighting passing out, but no matter how you cut it, we ended up in the emergency room with a little girl who had eyes rolling in the back of her head and went limp for about 3 minutes.
Jake responded quickly and correctly.  I was praising God that he kept presence of mind in the absence of normality.  She was face first in her highchair making a horrible breathing noise.  He called for me and pulled her out as fast as he could.  It was scary.  I am not given to fear - usually about anything. But, I remember distinctly asking out loud for Jesus to help and then holding my "ragdoll" of a little girl in my arms and watching her fight losing consciousness.  I never want to see that again.

It hit me after she came to, and could respond to me that it was another attack.  That prowler just won't get off our backs.  But, at the same time I realized something else.  The more he throws hardship in our path, the more I am believing the Truth - because I am saying it over and over again.  I know that God is only good and wants only good for us.  I also know that He sees us and loves us more than we could possibly love each other.  God is stronger.  God is better.  God can do all things because He is the Creator of all things.  There is nothing too difficult for Him.  I am realizing that I am more convinced after this morning than I was yesterday that God is good - and that He only wants good for our family.  I think I am convinced more because I am declaring it more often.  It is not that I don't want a break from the drama... but I am falling more deeply in love with Jesus through it. 

We went to the ER and didn't find anything wrong.  We will follow up with tests tomorrow... an EEG and she is now on medicine for Bronchitis.  She didn't have fever... she didn't have pneumonia.  She just had this episode... and all be it scary, I knew through the whole thing that God had us in His hands the whole time.  After sleeping through two breathing treatments back to back - and after thirty minutes of hacking up mucus... my baby girl was her normal self again.  She only wanted her mommy, and her mommy wanted nothing more than to snuggle her tight.  It was a perfect match.  We have snuggled all day - and I am so very thankful for my beautiful girl.  Even in the hospital, she laid on my chest and we watched Bugs Bunny together.  I am so thankful for each of my kids... they are all so loving and tender with each other - and they are recognizing through all of this that God is stronger too.
Please know that no matter how dark the situation, the Light always wins.  Always.  Darkness has no authority over the light.  Tonight, I will lie down and sleep in peace because my heart is steadfast - trusting in God.
I pray that you know that same peace.  The peace that passes all understanding and brings comfort in the midst of every situation.

Butterflies in my stomach!

It is finished.

Ready to order.

I had bought two copies and made an enormous amount of changes - but now, it is really ready.  Ready for you to read if you want to.

I can't explain what it feels like to hold in my hands this labor of my heart.  I have loved writing.  I have hated editing! :) I have cried while I  wrote.  I have laughed.  I have loved laboring over this book.  It is surreal to think that I am finished - finally!

It is my prayer that this book would be a blessing to anyone who reads it.  I am begging the Lord that He would reach down and make Himself known - in whatever way He chooses through the pages of this book.  He has certainly made Himself known to me through the writing of it.

We are all broken.  But, that isn't where the story should end.  Praise God He can make good from the things that were meant for evil in our lives. 

Where the Rubber meets the Road

Tonight I sat outside for a little while.  My back porch has a really nice breeze and the clouds were beautiful passing in front of the moon.  It was nice.  I shared my deepest thoughts with Jesus.  I whispered to God that I knew He was there, and He was good, and that I know He sees me.
I told Him how I am tired of things breaking my heart that don't break His.
He reminded me that He catches all of my tears and keeps them in a bottle.
He reminded me that when my heart aches, His aches for me.

It was sweet to remember how very much He loves me.

I am asking Him to heal me.  I am asking Him to heal my broken heart.  I am asking Him to be near to me.  He is hearing me.  And He will answer.

Tonight I thanked Him that He sees me.  I thanked Him that He will come back for us.  I asked Him to make my heart grieve over the things that aren't about me.  I asked Him to help me with my perspective.
He is hearing us.  He will answer us.  He knows everything we need before the words form on our tongues.
It got me to thinking that this is really where the rubber meets the road for me.  The last year has been full of hardships.  More than I can put words to.  But, the greatest of them all has not been resolved.  By my human perspective... it is hopeless.  Thanks be to God that He hasn't left it up to my human perspective!  So, tonight for me, in a significant way, I had to ask myself what Truth is...  and I have found that Truth is that nothing is impossible for God.  Nothing.  Truth is that my God will never leave me or forsake me, and I can rest in that all day long, every day.  Truth is that He is coming back to get us, and what matters is how we spend our days between now and then.  Truth is, this life is not about me....  but about the One that made me and created me for a purpose.  He created you too, and for a distinct purpose, and for such a time as this.
I will rest tonight, full of peace and grasping tightly to the Hope that I have in Jesus.  And, I will be caught up in His love and in awe of His glory as I rest in the shadow of His wings.

The Darkness Inside

Well, I wish I had a pretty post to write - with a pretty bow to tie and wrap it up - but that is not what this is.  This is more like a backwards glance over my shoulder at a really difficult week.

I took my eyes off of the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  Stink.

I hate it when I do that.  I know better.  My sin never just effects me.  But, God is always there to remind me - in the gentlest of ways that He is better.  He is worth more than the pain that I am going through.
I was singing... on the worship team at church... and I was wrestling with God.  Mostly I was just having a tantrum because of my feelings.  Not to say there weren't some legitimate hurts... just to say, they weren't worth forgetting where my focus should be - and it is not on me...  that is nothing but a big pile of trouble waiting to happen.   But, as I wrestled through the first "set"...  I realized that I was still being so selfish.  So, once we finished, I took a time out.  I went to the kitchen of the church and I talked with Jesus.  Really, I sang to Him.  I had the words to a song swirling in my mind all throughout worship and I knew that He was prompting my heart to sing them to Him - and mean them.  So, I sang... and I sang and I sang until I meant it.

Choose - Christy Nockels (excerpt)
Let me be in love with what you love.
Let me be most satisfied in You.
Forsaking what this world has offered me.
I choose to be in love with You. I will choose to be in love with You.
Let me know the peace that's mine in You
Let me know the joy my heart can sing
For I have nothing Lord, apart from You
I choose to call on Christ in me.  I will choose to call on Christ in me.
For in the fullness of who You are, I can rest in this place.
And giving over this, my journey Lord, I see nothing but Your face.
And I bow down.
Humbly I bow down.  Humbly I bow down.  I bow down.
Let me know that you have loved me first.
Let me know the weight of my response,
For you have long pursued my wandering heart
I choose to glory in the cross.  Yes, I will choose to glory in the cross.

You see, it is a choice.  It is a choice every day, every hour, and sometimes every minute to choose godliness, holiness, and truth over lies, accusations and the flesh.  My flesh was so strong.  I knew it.  And the Lord used a worship teammate to tell me truth.  My posture was "closed off" - and I had to admit, it was because my heart was closed off.  I was still in the process of wrestling things out with the Lord... and it had an effect.  I was a bit sad that my actions, my selfishness, my sin could impact people at all.  But, then the Lord reminded me what I tell my kids all the time.  "Your sin never just affects you."  NEVER.  It was a pretty clear picture.  So, I sang, and I meant it.  Let me choose to love those things you love - truth, justice, mercy, love...  and think on holy things.  Let me be most satisfied in You.  His grace is sufficient.  I know that is Truth.  I just momentarily focused on the temporary... the circumstances that shout out lies constantly.  It was a sweet moment, and a humbling moment.   I hate my flesh... and yet, I know that I made choices that perpetuated the selfish thinking.  Well, poop.  I am not happy about that even now - but I am learning today - again- that His mercies are new every morning (and on some occasions, twice in the same morning).  Second service was sweet as I worshiped from a posture of deep gratitude for His constant pursuing of my heart.  Darkness has no where to hide when He comes.  He is light, and He is life.  The darkness must flee from His presence.  I just forgot for a minute that the Light was with me the whole time.

Last week was really difficult.  I don't want to re-do it.  But, this week promises to be sweet - as long as I set my mind on things above.  Worship was much easier today after having several long talks with really good friends -and a good reproof from the One that made me and knows and loves me completely.  I love how He deals with me.  I am in love with my Savior - who has saved me once again.    My mind is clearer...  but, I am not foolish, I know that we are all just a step away from stupid.  One little step. 

The Darkness Inside

Well, I wish I had a pretty post to write - with a pretty bow to tie and wrap it up - but that is not what this is.  This is more like a backwards glance over my shoulder at a really difficult week.

I took my eyes off of the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  Stink.

I hate it when I do that.  I know better.  My sin never just effects me.  But, God is always there to remind me - in the gentlest of ways that He is better.  He is worth more than the pain that I am going through. 
I was singing... on the worship team at church... and I was wrestling with God.  Mostly I was just having a tantrum because of my feelings.  Not to say there weren't some legitimate hurts... just to say, they weren't worth forgetting where my focus should be - and it is not on me...  that is nothing but a big pile of trouble waiting to happen.   But, as I wrestled through the first "set"...  I realized that I was still being so selfish.  So, once we finished, I took a time out.  I went to the kitchen of the church and I talked with Jesus.  Really, I sang to Him.  I had the words to a song swirling in my mind all throughout worship and I knew that He was prompting my heart to sing them to Him - and mean them.  So, I sang... and I sang and I sang until I meant it. 

Choose - Christy Nockels (excerpt)
Let me be in love with what you love.
Let me be most satisfied in You.
Forsaking what this world has offered me.
I choose to be in love with You. I will choose to be in love with You.
Let me know the peace that's mine in You
Let me know the joy my heart can sing
For I have nothing Lord, apart from You
I choose to call on Christ in me.  I will choose to call on Christ in me.
For in the fullness of who You are, I can rest in this place.
And giving over this, my journey Lord, I see nothing but Your face. 
And I bow down.
Humbly I bow down.  Humbly I bow down.  I bow down.
Let me know that you have loved me first.
Let me know the weight of my response,
For you have long pursued my wandering heart
I choose to glory in the cross.  Yes, I will choose to glory in the cross.

You see, it is a choice.  It is a choice every day, every hour, and sometimes every minute to choose godliness, holiness, and truth over lies, accusations and the flesh.  My flesh was so strong.  I knew it.  And the Lord used a worship teammate to tell me truth.  My posture was "closed off" - and I had to admit, it was because my heart was closed off.  I was still in the process of wrestling things out with the Lord... and it had an effect.  I was a bit sad that my actions, my selfishness, my sin could impact people at all.  But, then the Lord reminded me what I tell my kids all the time.  "Your sin never just affects you."  NEVER.  It was a pretty clear picture.  So, I sang, and I meant it.  Let me choose to love those things you love - truth, justice, mercy, love...  and think on holy things.  Let me be most satisfied in You.  His grace is sufficient.  I know that is Truth.  I just momentarily focused on the temporary... the circumstances that shout out lies constantly.  It was a sweet moment, and a humbling moment.   I hate my flesh... and yet, I know that I made choices that perpetuated the selfish thinking.  Well, poop.  I am not happy about that even now - but I am learning today - again- that His mercies are new every morning (and on some occasions, twice in the same morning).  Second service was sweet as I worshiped from a posture of deep gratitude for His constant pursuing of my heart.  Darkness has no where to hide when He comes.  He is light, and He is life.  The darkness must flee from His presence.  I just forgot for a minute that the Light was with me the whole time.  

Last week was really difficult.  I don't want to re-do it.  But, this week promises to be sweet - as long as I set my mind on things above.  Worship was much easier today after having several long talks with really good friends -and a good reproof from the One that made me and knows and loves me completely.  I love how He deals with me.  I am in love with my Savior - who has saved me once again.    My mind is clearer...  but, I am not foolish, I know that we are all just a step away from stupid.  One little step. 

Coffee at 8:30 pm... what do you mean I can't sleep?

Tonight I have a grateful heart.  A very grateful heart.

I am so thankful for the newness of this season of our lives.  It is seeming to creep in, much like fall in Texas.  :)  One day the heat is so unbearable... and you feel you will never find relief... and then the next day, it drops 20 degrees, there is a cool breeze blowing and you think to yourself, "I could get used to this."  Two days later we are wondering if we dreamed the cool breeze, and the temperatures in the car rise to unbearable levels,  but it gave us a taste... and hope that one day in the next few weeks we might taste that cooler weather and enjoy being outside again.

That really is such a perfect picture of life right now for us.  Tonight... there is a cool breeze in my weary heart and I keep thinking, "I could get used to this."  I got to meet some of the most precious ladies in College Station.  I love to "do life" with people.  I loved the time I got to share with them.  It is a bit like Ezekiel and the dry bones.   I feel the breath of Life traveling through this pile of bones.  I feel God stirring in ways that I have missed deeply.  And I am thankful.  Thankful that for today, in my life, the season of cool breezes came and gave me a visit.  Thankful that the God of bigger dreams than I can imagine let me taste His goodness and see the Truth with my own eyes that He has good plans for me - and my precious family. 

I am ready for a full blown change of season.  In fact, I am thanking God right now that He will do that.  It is time for a new thing.  It is time for relief.  But, if my timing is not my God's timing... well, it is easy to figure out who got it wrong!  His thoughts are higher than my own, and His ways, so very different.  But, He is good and all He does is good. 

What a beautiful God.  What a treasure of a night.  Now, to fall asleep thanking God for each one of my new friends.   That sounds very sweet to me. 

A downward spiral with an upward perspective...

Today was a hard day.

My feelings were hurt.  My family was hurt.  But, that was, something... surmountable.  Something I have grown a little used to, and something that quite frankly stems from selfishness in some ways.

But, then, after my heart was sufficiently wounded for one day- the enemy decided to take one more punch at my weary flesh.  It stung.  It stung with the sting of death.  The feel of utter defeat. I felt like I was being devoured in one savory bite by that fierce lion that prowls for me night after night.

The news was this:  the business bank account was drained - everything was taken.  Not one penny left.

Payroll just went out - and the checks will not clear.  Not because we didn't have the money in there.  But because someone else decided they had more right to it than we do.

We have received so much help from people who love us.  We have been in awe of God each week as we watch Him provide for us in ways far too creative for us to think of.  This month has been the hardest of them all from a faith-less perspective.  We are hard pressed on every side.  People calling day and night...  everyone wanting what it is that we don't have to give.  And then, twice in three months, we have gone online to check the account and found a completely empty bank account.  An account that, prior to the money being taken - sat at its prime position in the month to pay mortgages and leases, and bills.  Indeed it was ripe for the picking.  In three months $5,000.00 has been taken from us without our consent.

It is not that we are pretending we don't owe people money - believe me we do.  It is simply that right now, because we are waiting on things to sell and a job offer to come through - we don't have anything extra to give.  We are being threatened by creditors as if we are holding out something we have- and the part that is just super draining is that we just. don't.  We just don't have anything extra.  It is by God's grace alone, through the hands of His people that we have had the things that we need.  But, some people apparently have the power to take from you when you literally don't have enough to make ends meet as it is.  It was a deep wound.  I will be honest.  I sat on the floor in my bathroom and sobbed big ugly tears.  I cried out loud - and I told Jesus that I am broken hearted.  He promises to be near to those whose hearts are broken.  His promises are true.  Always and forever, His promises are true.

I cried for so long and so deeply, that I curled up and got comfortable.  It is days like today that make me miss my mom in the fiercest of ways.  I know well what she would have done.  She would have brushed my hair.  She would have sat and brushed it for as long as she could manage - assuring me that it would all be okay.  And coming from her, I would have believed it.  I do believe it.  God's Word is Truth - even when I sit and rock myself, crying that this stress, this pressure must come to an end at some point...
Pieces of truth swirl in my mind.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  I am not carrying the right burden.  His Word is Truth.  He is for me - He is always for me.  His love knows no boundaries and He will never fail me.

We just get the wrong idea sometimes.  We believe that the hard things in life make us stronger, when the whole point is that they are supposed to make us more clearly understand our weakness.  It is in our weakness that He can prove His strength.  Praise Him that He can show Himself in a mighty way in our lives.  He can, and I believe with all of my heart - He will and indeed He already is.   I have never felt so weak, so completely inept to even handle what I have on my plate for this very minute.  I hear the growl of that lion, and my heart melts with fear.  All the while, I am sheltered in the shadow of wings - wings of a Mighty Warrior - and One who will not let me slip from His strong grip.  So, to that prowling devil of a lion, I say this, "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet I believe that His unfailing love for me will not be shaken - nor will His covenant of peace be removed - and this because my Lord has compassion on me!" (Isaiah 54:4)
We may be hard pressed on every side.  And, I surely cannot tell you what will come of things this next month... but these things I hold dear to my heart:
1.  Our God will never leave or forsake us.
2.  Perfect love casts out all fear.
3.  He (God) is good and everything He does is good.
4.  Nothing can separate us from His love.
5.  His plans for us are good.
6.  The enemy will not, and can not win, for the victory was already won on the cross.
7.  Christ is stronger.   He has saved us.  Christ is risen.  Jesus is Lord of all!

Pray for us, please.  But, thank God with us that He already knows the answer to our deepest need.  We need not utter them, for He knows the words before they come out of our mouths.  Pray that He will meet our deepest needs.  Pray that He will show Himself mighty in our lives.