Happy Birthday Jacob! You are missed, my love...

Today is a precious day for me and my family.  This was the day, 17 years ago that God gave us Jacob.

We will celebrate tonight with a birthday cake.  We won’t laugh as hard as we would have if he were here.  But, we will take turns talking about how thankful we were to know him, and to love him.  We will share our favorite memories of him.  We will miss him more than we have words that could express it.

I have battled over this past year and a half.  My heart has been so angry with God at times.  I have known that He had the power and the full ability to bring my boy back to me that day.  I have never doubted that.  But, He, in His Sovereignty, chose to take Jacob from the earth.  Something about that makes it hard to trust for a while.  I am desperate to trust Him the same way I used to... But I know that I am re-learning to trust.  I guess a trust un-tested is not a deep trust.  I am pressing in to know a greater depth of trust than I had before.  It is easy to sing the songs in church if you have not suffered deep loss.  When life has been somewhat kind and blessings (those things we recognize as blessings) seem to be all around.  It isn’t hard to sing, “Bless the Lord O my soul” when your soul is full and you are standing in a sweet place with the Lord.  But, when He really does take away...  When He really allows something so devastating to touch your life... Well, if I'm honest, sometimes I can’t bring myself to sing the words out loud.  It is more of a desperate cry from the depths of me - silently - begging God to restore trust.  To give more grace.  To give more mercy so that my mouth can move to utter the words that I mean, but cannot give voice to.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am so grateful.  I am so thankful.  God has blessed me more than I can ever say.  Losing Jacob did not make me less thankful.  It made me more thankful for my family.  It made me more thankful for the people in my life that are still here to laugh and cry with.  It has made me take a deeper look at what eternity really means, and it has made me thankful for every moment I get to share with those who are here.  But, it has also made me look forward to the day that Jesus will return for us!
  

I have wept so many timess over the past two weeks.  I just miss my boy like crazy.  It is harder in some ways now that it has been longer.  He would be starting his senior year of high school this year.  He would have been graduating in May.  Making big life decisions.  His sweet friends will walk the stage... They will walk the halls - as the first seniors in that school... And he will not be walking with them.  But, this I know... If we could understand where he is walking right now, we would not be this sad.  We have no real understanding of the world that waits for those of us who love God and have accepted Christ as the atoning sacrifice (the payment) for our sins.  We cannot fathom all that God has in store for us.  My boy is so much more alive than I can understand.  This world is merely a shadow of things to come.  He no longer walks among the shadows.

Anyway, here are some pics of a boy that meant a whole lot to many people.

We celebrate you, Jacob.  Your birth, your life, and your eternity with the One who created you and made you so special.  You, my love, left a really big mark on this earth in your short time here.  Love you and miss you every day sweet boy.  ~ "Mommy"

Take heart...

I heard yesterday (via my 11 year old) that the current stress levels of your average high school student is the exact same as those who were Psychiatric patients in the early 1950s.  (quoted by Robert Leahy in Psychology today). 

I am not educated in this.  I am not saying I have found the answer to anything, by any means.  But, I feel like they are under so much pressure because so much pressure has been placed in them to please (or to perform for) man.  They have so much desire to be recognized as worthy, or smart, or successful, or holy, or any other label that we as parents and pastors and teachers have decided they need to be.   From our pulpits (quite unintentionally I am sure) we have stopped stressing the message of Christ - the freedom of the Gospel, and we have traded it for something far less.  We have shifted the focus off of our Savior and on to our sin...  Our works...  Our everything...  But that is not what we are told to do.  We are told to “fix our eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith.”  It does not say, fix your eyes on your past... Fix your eyes on your future...  on your problems, your successes, your children, your church, your family, your career, your dreams...  You fill in the blank... But that isn’t what it says.  It says keep the main thing the main thing.  And, in my simple language - in my life EVERY DAY - this is what the Gospel says to me.  “Christy, your sins were as scarlet.  You were hopeless.  You are constantly given the choice to do right, and you choose wrong.  But, take heart.  I knew you would do this.  I knew you from the moment I created you inside of your beautiful mother.  I knew you would be filled with thoughts that were unholy.  Desires that would threaten your life and the life of those who you love.  I knew that you would be overtaken, not once, but many times by the snares of sin.  And that is why I came.  I came for you.  You needed, and still need daily my rescue.  But, fear not.  I have come.  I am here.  I see you.  I know you.  I bled for you.  I took on myself the burden, the terrible weight of all the sin that belonged to you, and I am NOT SORRY I did it.  I have no regrets, for you are my beloved.”

Wow.  Today, I needed my Jesus to remind me those very things.  He is enough.  He is always and forever enough.  Without Him I am poor, pitiful, blind, naked and so very sinful.  With Him, by His blood, I am REDEEMED.  I am changed.  I am not who I once was.  And for this, I am supremely thankful.      

On another note, just because I have been super missing this kid lately, I wanted to include pics of my Jacob.  The boy that changed my whole life - and the boy I miss with a desperation that I cannot explain.  This boy brought so much laughter... so much joy... so much life to our family.  We are trying to move forward in joy, with hope... but I will be honest... nothing will ever be the same without him.  Enjoy, as I have... these photos were snapped one after the other and he was being a toot.  I was snapping them so fast I didn't realize he wasn't sitting there smiling like he was supposed to.  At the time, I was so angry.  But now, I wouldn't trade them or the memories for anything in the world. 

A new year, with New Hope...

Where do I begin?

Good grief!  It has been months since I’ve been here - and I have missed writing so much!

Life is made up of little chunks of time, and I am noticing that every day you have to choose what moments you want your life made up of.  Those are the things you invest your time in.  The hard part is the choosing - there seems to be a constant barrage of things that you could invest your time in.  Things clamoring for first place in your life.  But, the beautiful part is YOU CHOOSE.  Maybe today, I will just encourage you to choose wisely what things you allow to take pieces of your heart, and pieces of your life.  Your life is made of time... Minutes that turn to hours that turn to days, that turn to years. 

So, therefore, it follows that what you give your time to, you are ultimately giving your life to. 

This new year has brought so many good things for us. 

We have more direction in our days.  We have more stability in our lives as a whole.  The changes have been radical... but so very good.

Today I rejoice in the blessings that are all around my life.  My children.  My family.  My friends.  My jobs.  My health.  God is so very faithful. 

In November I was sent a message inquiring if I would like to grow in the area of leading worship.  If you have read even just a handful of posts from me, you know that Worship is such a big part of my heart.  The opportunity to lead worship... to sit before the Lord and ask what is on His heart for our body each week as we seek to enter His presence stirred something deep inside.  But, as with many gifts that come from the Lord, it doesn’t stop there, with the filling of my soul... It also helps me to provide for my precious family.  Truly, what a gift.  I was literally days away from having to take a job that would have taken me away from my kiddos in the evenings and on the weekends.  Heartbreaking.  I just couldn’t turn the application to the other job in.   Only God can look down and see the depth of our needs - emotional, spiritual, financial, physical...  He alone knows how to create something from nothing.  I prayed for a few months, as the timing was really not what I would have expected -  and then took the position in January.  The kids and I are so excited to get to know everyone in the body there.  It has been so encouraging for all of us.  It seems that every Sunday someone encourages us in a deep way about being there.  It was hard to be called away from our other church family.  We have deep roots.  We have much love in our hearts for that family.  But, when God moves, and He beckons you to follow, the only wise choice is to go.  He alone is wise.  He doesn’t think like me.  He doesn’t act like me.  And, I trust Him with all that is in me. 

December was so hard.  Our first Christmas without Jake.  The air was thick with the understanding that he wasn’t there.  Some moments, like putting lights on the house, and getting the Christmas tree seemed like they would bring me to the end of hope.  Where was my boy?  How do we do this?  Praise be to God that He provided friends to make that time easier for us.  But, easier does not mean easy.  Many tears.  Many hard moments of just feeling the loss. 


January flew by.  I was in a whirlwind the whole month I think. 

When February came, it was like a series of long cold winter days.  No life in the trees.  Only dead branches.  Only stillness that shouted to the reality that we were coming up on a year.  A whole year without Jacob.  How can it only be a year?  And, how can it already be a year?  One moment feeling guilt that there were days that I walked forward with joy and purpose without him.  One moment feeling guilty that there were days that I couldn’t take the next step without falling on my face in desperation.  No emotion seems like the right one.  No reaction seems like it is appropriate.  The 3rd (2 days before the first anniversary of his death) I felt suffocated.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I felt like I didn’t know how to move at all.  I was gripped with so many emotions.  But, God in His sovereign ability, reached down and carried us through those days.  Those messy days.  Lots of tears.  Lots of pain.  Lots of sweet memories.  Lots of conflicting emotions.   

Now, here we are.  Almost to March.  Looking around, there are small hints of new life coming to the earth.  Clovers growing in the yard - adding patches of green, of new growth, of hope.  The first few days of what felt like Spring reared their head for a moment.  Sun shining.  Warmth on my skin, reminding me that God has many beautiful days ahead of us.  And, I am looking forward to a retreat.  I am going to be attending a retreat called Haven of Hope in Round Top in March.  It is for momma’s who have lost a child.  I anticipate it will be hard.  I anticipate I will have emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other.  To hear his name.  To tell people that never knew him what an amazing boy he was...  To speak about it over and over...  To relive memories of the hospital.  To relive memories of the phone call.. The unanswered questions...  Well, it could be overwhelming.  But, rather, I think that God has something beautiful and healing in store for me.  I believe that there will be treasures hidden in the darkness of my story.  I believe that I will be encouraged.  And, I pray that I will be used to encourage others.  Surely there will be new connections with ladies that have known the same type of loss that I have known.  Surely God will do mighty things.  Please take a moment and pray for all of us mommas that will be there.  Pray healing for us in deep places.  Pray truth, and vulnerability for us so that we can grow together and grow in the Lord. 

Thanks for following me here.  There is much more in my heart, but for now, this will do.  May God open your eyes to the blessings He is pouring out all around you daily.  If you look for Him, you will see Him, and you will wonder how you have missed Him all this time.  When you seek Him, you will find Him when you search for Him with all of your heart.  A worthy endeavor, I assure you. 

Blessings.

~Christy

A million tears and counting...

 This past 24 hours I think I have cried over a million tears.  

I have laid, arms out wide on the hard tile and sobbed until my body hurt.  I have sat in a comfy chair in my bedroom and held tight to Jacob's old pillow that still smells like him, and screamed out to the Lord,

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!!!"  Over and over again.  I don't know how to do this...  

I have cried as I cleaned.  Cried as I worshiped.  Cried as I played piano.  Cried as I watched Billy Graham's "My Hope America."  

I have cried and I will cry more - maybe even as I type here.  

I was listening to worship music and this song came on.  This song that I have had on my playlist for a very long time.  But, I hadn't taken the time, in the stillness to hear it.  Of course, the Lord used it to minister to my heart.  Right where I am today.  In this broken place.  In this place where time can't go slow enough and time can't go fast enough...  

The words are from Bebo Norman's song, "The Middle".  I have put all of them below because maybe just maybe one of you will be touched by them.  And, if not, then I am giving you a glimpse into the grief I hold in my heart...  It is okay for me to grieve, my way, for as long as it takes to get back to the trust I have in my God.  Anyway, here are the words to the song...

It's as if You could find me anywhere
That I could go, to try to hide my thoughts from You

But just like some runaway I'm leaving here
With half a mind that hopes of getting caught

So we can just drive home in the dark
Where we'll let our, our feelings fly
They'll cut like shame to break me down again
Until there's nothing left but for me to tell You I'm, I'm sorry

But I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm still reeling

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

It's as if there's a world uncovered by
The break of day all these miles away but for a better view
Of what's left in the aftermath of all these years
It's just so hard to know who I am in You

So I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm not ready for this

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

Alright, everybody says I'll be alright
Everybody says it's a good fight
I'm not seeing it now

All I know is I swear this
It feels a little more like a secret
And I don't know if I should just keep it
To myself, but my love, my love

I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm still reeling

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle
Here in the middle, here in the middle
Here in the middle, yeah, here in the middle

I think it is time to share things that are widely unknown about this season in my life.  

Divorce papers were filed last December.  16 and a half years of marriage - over.

You see, the divorce papers are rarely the beginning of the divorce.  Sometimes there are many years of marriage that are lived in a state of divorce.  Thus was the situation with us.  Many years ago I was sleeping alone every night.  Many years ago we were living separate lives.  Many years ago bitterness stole the beauty of marriage...  many years ago hearts were hard - to the breaking point.  

This will not be a post filled with blame and accusation.  The enemy has done plenty of that.  It is so clear to my heart why God hates divorce.  It is an ugly thing.  Entirely ugly - through and through.  Though, because of hardness of heart and the depth of sin- sometimes it is necessary in order to not be destroyed for the sake of outward appearances.

The day I lost my son, I was still trying to figure out how I was going to come around to understand the grief and the loss of the marriage I had invested all of my heart in for so long.  I was grieving over what it would do to my children.  I was grieving over what it said about me.  What it said about hope.  What it said about so many things...

And, then, the worst day came.  The call came.  The absolute shock came.  

More loss.  A loss deeper than any I have ever had in my life. 

I still don't know how to do this.  I am grasping tightly to the hand of promise that I know is there.  But, grief would be hard enough if we could lean into each other...  if I had a husband on whose shoulder I could lean.  Grief would be hard enough if I could be home with my kids every day - being a momma.  But, to do this with no husband to lean on...  it seems more than I was meant to bear.  Truth is - it is more than I was meant to carry.

You see, I know the TRUTH that God is always here for me.  I know that He is my hiding place.  He is the only one that can bring comfort to me in the deep ways that I need it.  But, I want to be honest here.  I don't want to pretend that I don't long to be held in strong arms that belong to one on the earth who loves me.  I have many friends that are always there to offer arms of comfort.  But, please do not minimize my pain, and I will try not to diminish the greatness of Christ to me.

The many years of pain in my marriage thrust me to the feet of Jesus in ways that nothing else could have.  So, there is beauty in the loss...  But, it is a great loss.. It is the loss of every girl's dream to be treasured.  Every girl's dream to be protected and loved.  Every girl's dream to have someone who thinks she is worth fighting for.  It is the loss of what God intended marriage to be a picture of...

I don't know how to simultaneously grieve these things.  All I know that I am singing out to the Lord these words...

"than any comfort, Jesus is better, make my heart believe.  Our souls declaring, 'Jesus is better', make my heart believe.... our song eternal 'Jesus is better' make my heart believe."

I do believe that.  I know it to be true.  So very true!  But, there are still times that I have to cry out to God - begging Him to increase my faith - increase my faith that indeed HE IS ENOUGH.  

He gave His Son.  His one and only Son.  For me.  A fault-filled, broken, sinner...  He gave His Son, willingly.  

I cried out over and over last night that I DID NOT give my son willingly.  I didn't.  I am not okay with it.  Sometimes I don't think the pain and the fog will ever lift. 

Please pray for me.  Please pray for my heart.  Please pray for my precious children who are coming into their first set of Holidays without their amazing older brother, and their second set of Holidays with their parents apart.  We need your prayers.  Daily still.  Some days the pain is even more intense now than it was in the beginning.  Please withhold your judgement...  work it out with God, not me,  and pray earnestly for His intervention in our lives. 

And, now to readjust my focus... because honesty is good to a point.  However, some of these things come from feelings - and a lesson that the book of Job holds for us is that our feelings and our circumstances do not give truth or clarity to who God really is.

(photo credit is not mine - found this through google images)

You see the King of Kings sees me.  He knows all of my tears.  He can handle every fear.  He can handle every ounce of anger.  He can handle all of my doubts.  He can handle all of me - every strong emotion.  After all, He created me.  He formed me and He knows that I am only dust.  He knows that I do not see clearly.  He knows that on my own, I have no hope or righteousness at all.  And HE delights in me.  Because He was willing to send His Son to His death for me - He accepts me right where I am.  He is not judging me, or my emotions.  He is proud of me - as His beloved daughter.  With all of my flaws, with all of my hurts, with every bit of who I am that is too much for any other person... He takes me and tells me that He will never leave or forsake me.  

What kind of love is this?

What kind of God stoops down and is mindful of man?  Only the most Holy, Loving God.  

This Christmas I am asking for Him to reveal Himself in a MIGHTY way in my life.  I am begging Him for a miracle - for beauty from these ashes.  And, I am just crazy enough to believe that He hears me. 

Become.

What is your pain today?

That thing that has taken hold of your heart and it won't let you go, no matter how you writhe to get out from under it's suffocating grasp?

What is the voice in your mind that tells you that you'll never be enough - or you are just TOO MUCH?

Where are you just aching today?  Is there something inside that just screams out "THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!!"

I am.  This morning, I have such a heavy heart.  Pain is everywhere.  It is unavoidable.  People spend much time, energy, and money to keep themselves from pain.  And yet, pain will find them, it will search them out - and it will crush every defense they thought they had.  Now, stay with me, I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer".  I am getting around to hope.  Just hang with me for a minute.

We all build walls.  We all wear masks.  We all say what other people want us to say.  How many times in just one day do you lie to people when they ask you "Hey!  How are you?"  Almost always, "Oh, I'm fine...  and you?"  We are just trying to be nice.  They are just trying to be nice.  There is nothing essentially wrong with that.  But, I'm not talking just about the casual stranger.  I am talking about your friends.  Those that should be beside you to shoulder your burdens with you.  How many times do you really let them in on your fears?  How often do you open yourself up - getting really vulnerable?

I tend to spew my fears, my thoughts, my dreams... kind-of everything out to whoever wants to sit long enough to hear them.  So, here it is this morning... some of the deep stuff of my heart.

I long to worship.  Really worship.  When I saw "The Rend Collective Experiment" video for Build your Kingdom here - I wanted to drop everything, pick up my kids and find out where they are going next.  I want to go with them.  Now, I know that it isn't all campfires and cool instruments.  There is sweat, tears, travel...  pain... but the joy - the joy to worship with a group of like-minded people.  To travel and tell of the wonders of God's love and faithfulness...  it stirs something in me that I can't run from!  I want to sing always and forever of God's love and beauty.  (Sounds so cheesy right, and yet something in you must be stirred up like this is stirred up in me). 

I long to write and to read, and to sit with the Lord day after day and then share (maybe just one person at a time, or ten, or ten thousand...  I don't care the number) what the Lord is doing... what He is teaching.  How He is reaching my heart that constantly retreats from pain. 

You see, everyone is broken. 

I am.

People are praising me right now for the way I am handling the death of my son.  They put me on a pedestal in their minds.  They think they could never handle what I am going through in the way that I am handling it.  But, while, my heart has been sincere...  every Scripture posted to FB, every blog entry has been straight from the deep places in my heart... people don't see the broken parts - the sinfulness in me.  These things are not as visible...  and one thing I know about pedestals is that people come tumbling down - and the higher up they are put, the further they fall - and the more it hurts when they hit.  So, I am asking you to take me off that pedestal.  Apart from God's grace - I am wretched, pitiful, blind, poor and naked.  Really.  It is God's grace that keeps me upright.  It is God's grace that keeps bringing me back to center.

In my flesh: I am an adulteress.  I am selfish.  I am prideful.  I am full of lust and greed.  I am broken.  I am bitter and I am mean to people who hurt me.

But, because of Christ, and only by God's grace, I am clothed in righteousness.  I am full of peace and hope.  The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  I have access every day, all day long to all the beauty of Christ.  When I operate in it, people want to put me up high - in this lofty place.  But, I want to tell you that apart from God's grace - I cannot operate in it!  It is not me - it is Christ in me that is my hope of glory.  Over and over again I am realizing the deep truth of that.  I am human.  I am frail.  I am hurting.  I am desperate.  I am weak.  But, because of the Great I Am, I don't have to operate from those places.  I can lean on Christ's strength.  I can ask for His joy.  I can ask for His power to help me in every place that I am failing.  But, in my own strength, and in my own power, I am nothing.  I am just as wicked as any individual that has ever walked the face of this earth.

Today, I just want to be free from the labels that are put on me.  I want to be me.  Broken, but beautiful.  Unlovable, but fully loved.  Poor, but so very rich. 

Today, will you practice with me taking a few of the walls down?  Let someone you trust inside - to the deep places.  You will be hurt.  But, there is so much freedom in tearing down the walls... in becoming who you were meant to be regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.  There is so much freedom in realizing that you will hurt, but you will heal!  Everyone will hurt whether they want to or not.  So, instead of fighting it, and pretending (even to yourself) that you are invincible, take your guard down and face the hurt.  Once you have turned and looked it full in the face, you can begin to heal.  You can take a step towards becoming who you were meant to be.  God made you amazing.  God has a plan for your life.  It is a good plan.  Filled with love, loss, pain, joy, tears and laughter.  He doesn't promise an easy road.  But, He promises never to leave us all alone.  He says He will never ask me to walk through something that He won't be right beside me through.  Don't run from your pain anymore.  Today, make a decision to really look it in the face.  Really find the root of the hurt, the bitterness, the pain... and pull that thing out!  Then, turn to the Healer.  The God of the Universe that wants to bind up your wounds.  He wants to hold you while you cry.   He wants to carry the pain with you and for you.  Trust me on this one.  He longs to be everything you need if you just call on Him.  He is near.  He is pursuing you.  He wants to heal you - make you whole.  But, you have to face that brokenness.  You have to search out the pain - until you find the source, and then it must be dealt with.  I would beg you not to try to search it out on your own.  Invite God to search it out with you.  He knows you, inside and out.  He sees you, and He hears your cries.

May grace and peace go before you today. Don't miss out on one more day of the YOU that God created you to be.  Today, I exhort you to become.  Become everything that you were meant to become.  You are not your mom.  You are not your dad.  You are not your older siblings, or your younger ones.  You are uniquely YOU!  That means, one choice at a time,  you choose to be you - broken and beautiful.  Sinful and selfish.  But, longing for the righteousness and the holiness that God created you to walk in.  Because, the answer when our souls cry out that there has to be more -  is that there is more than this.   For every believer in Jesus Christ, there is much more than this.  Our hearts know that this broken world can't be all there is.  We were created for so much more.   If you haven't trusted your heart to Christ, because you:
* are skeptical
* have met too many mean and angry Christians
* can't make it make sense
* think to trust Christ means to start being judgemental
* are scared
* are scarred from your past
* can't believe in a God that allows so much pain in the world while being all powerful

Let me say this one thing.  I'm sorry.  I am sorry for the pain that has been brought to you through Christians, through the church, through the depravity of the world.  Becoming Christians doesn't make us perfect.  And, I am sorry for the people who have in their Spiritual pride made you believe that we have something that makes us better.  We don't.  Becoming a believer is about finally realizing that we are the most broken ones.  We are the ones that knew (at one time or another) that we needed saving.

People who are well don't need a doctor.  People who have it all together don't need Christ.

But, if we are honest, there isn't anyone really standing in the "have it all together" place.  No matter what it looks like on the outside.  Inside, they are falling apart.  Christians aren't better.  We just have hope that God hasn't and won't ever give up on us.  Not because we have done something great.  But, because He did something great.  I'm sorry for the people that have made that seem like we are more - I'm sorry for being one of those people too.  Sometimes, because we are human, we act stupid.  I'm just sorry for the picture it paints, and I am sorry for the way(s) it has wounded you.  Please forgive me and my fellow believers for being judgmental.  For being prideful.  For being selfish.  For still being human.  Don't disregard my God, my Jesus, on account of my being human.  Search Him out for yourself.  In the quiet of this moment.  Ask Him to be exactly what you need.  While we will hurt you and let you down - He will always be faithful.  Gandhi said it right, "I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  They are so unlike Christ."  Forgive us for not being like Christ.

If you are a Christian that thinks you are better, that thinks you do have it all together.  I exhort you to look deep into the heart of Jesus.  Ask yourself why He did what He did.  Ask yourself how you ended up in the place of the Pharisee.  And, then lay it down.  Remember the "you" that knew you needed a Savior.    Then, go out and offer the Truth to anyone who knows they are broken and need saving too.  

Become.

A day for remembering...

16 years ago at 5:43pm I became a mommy.

It was a moment unlike any other in my life.  I had no idea what the years would hold for us.  I had no idea how short my time with him would be.  15 years, 5 months, 25 days.  And every one of those moments was established for him before one came to be.

God chose me to carry that boy.  What a gift.

Today I have cried my eyes out.  I have literally sobbed.  I have just let it all be what it is.  I miss him.  My heart aches through and through.  I carried him 9 months inside of me.  I watched him grow for 15 years, and now... until my precious Savior sees fit to take me home, I will carry him only in my heart.  I will laugh at the memories I have of that boy-man all grown up.  I will treasure the things he said to me and about me.  I will be filled with joy because I know he is in the presence of my God with no more color-blindness and no tears.

I watched God provide for me today.  Opportunities to cry.  Opportunities to laugh.  Opportunities to reflect.  Arms for me to cry in.  People to pray over me.  God knows every need we have before we ask it.  And He is Faithful.

I don't have many words tonight.  But, I want to share something sacred with you.  I had no idea on February 1 as I started a new journal what pain was just a few days away.  But, my God did.  And He was preparing me.  This is my un-edited journal entry from February 1, 2013.  Just 4 days before my boy left earth to receive His welcome to the arms of Christ.  I am astonished every time I read it.  My God cares for me - He sees me, He knows me and He loves me so deeply.  I pray that this encourages your heart even if in just a small way...

February 1, 2013

Though I know not what all will happen through the pages of this journal - one thing I am certain of is this:

My God is always faithful.

This year may catch me off guard in circumstance after circumstance - but it will not catch my God off guard.  He will not be shaken. Ever.

Sweet Lord, please fill my mind with Truth and Life as I seek you in this place.  Please let me honor you in all that I do and say.  Help me to capture my thoughts and make them obedient to you always.  Let not my will be my own.  Let my heart be thoroughly bent towards your way and your Truth.  Jesus- help me to be so near with you.  

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear, Christy, I will help you."

~ end of journal entry

God moved my heart to fill my name in that Scripture.  He knew that I would need to hold His hand tightly in the coming days and months.  He knows me so perfectly.  I even started a blog post that day that I never published.  The Title was "wrecked".  I haven't been able to finish it yet... just not yet.  

Tonight as I go to sleep I am going to go praising my God for my boy.  Praising my God for my precious children that I have the blessed privilege of tucking in bed each night.  Tonight, I remember that God is faithful - and He is never caught off guard.  Not only that - He prepares the way for me to walk.  What a sweet God.  

Trust, Shame and other such ramblings...

Life is choices.

I saw this on a shirt when I was walking the breast cancer 3-day event a few years back.  It reached up and grabbed a hold of my heart.  It choked me for a minute.  I thought to myself... Thanks for wearing that shirt, buddy.  As if I didn’t have enough to think about right now. 

But seriously.  Life is made up of one choice after another.  Life really IS choices.  Sometimes I wish I had the creativity to write a script that could capture this a little bit.  One story line - primarily the same, but with two or three different seemingly inconsequential choices that dramatically effect the future outcome.  Not so that we can get bogged down, with every choice being heavier than it is supposed to be.  Ice cream after dinner, or a brownie?  I mean, really either way - you win!  I also don’t want to minimize the Sovereignty and ability of God to take our foolish choices and make something great out of them.

This struck me as I was listening again to the story of Abraham and Isaac.  As the pastor recounted Abram’s (later Abraham’s) life story a little, he brought out the fact that it was over 13 years from when Abram and Sarai were promised by God to have a son until they conceived a son.  Can you imagine?  I can’t.  Month after month wondering if this is the month of the promised child.  God after all is faithful.  God said it, He would do it.  Oh man.  How many times a week do I doubt this in my life?  It comes down to trusting God - to taking Him fully at His Word - even when it seems like He is long in fulfilling that promise.   I noticed for the first time as I re-read it, that I didn’t see a time frame from when God told Abram he would have many decedents and when Sarai “gave him” Hagar to sleep with so that a child could be born.  Then, after Hagar has that son, it seems as if Abram just assumes that Ishmael is the promised son.  It does not SAY this, so please understand that I am just uncertain of what that time looked like.  I know that Abram loved Ishmael from the text that follows - and that Abram asks God if He would bless Ishmael.  The Bible doesn’t speak much to what happened in the years after Ishmael is born.  But, it says this - 13 years after Ishmael is born, God appears again to Abram.  This time, God says, “I am God Almighty.  Walk before me and be blameless...”  God goes on to tell him that Isaac will be the son of the promise...  A son born to Sarah.  More than 13 years pass from the time the promise is made to the time Sarah conceives.  It makes sense to me that they went about it their own way.  Okay, Sarah is barren, so if God said that the son would come from Abram’s body, then Abram must need to hook up with someone else.  He was younger than 86 when God shows up and promises him a son from his own body.  He was 99 when the promised son was conceived.  I can completely understand their “rationalizing” that Hagar must be the answer.  But, immediately from the time Hagar conceives there is trouble in the household.  Trouble that comes as a consequence of figuring it out on their own - and not trusting that God had meant what He said, and He meant it for Abram and Sarai - not anyone else.  And, what does God say to Abram?  He doesn’t say, “you will be condemned for doing it your own way.”  or  “I am removing my blessing from you and your family.”  He says, “I am God Almighty.  Walk before me and be blameless.”  Whew.  Sit on that for a minute.  It’s like He is reminding Abram who He is.  And then, He calls Him to faith and obedience.

I know personally that the enemy always convinces me that I didn’t hear correctly - or that I can figure out a better plan myself.  “Well”, I think, “God didn’t mean that...”  And bam!  I’m back in the garden with Eve saying that we can’t even touch the tree or we will die.  Adding or subtracting from what God said.  Oh how badly we need to be rescued from these minds that tasted the fruit and now have the knowledge of good and evil!  Yuck!  Most of the time, I don’t even know that I am doing it...  that I am leaning on my “knowledge”  instead of waiting and leaning on the wisdom of an all powerful God. 
I for one moment would love to go back to Eden... “naked and unashamed”.  I could stop and make a ton of naked jokes, but to keep it serious for a minute, what in the world would it feel like to be unashamed? 

Think of it.  Really? 

Un-ashamed. 

What would that be like?  To not carry around shame for our fallenness.  To not feel shame over our choices that were less than glorious.  Shame for what we have done.  Shame for what has been done to us.  Shame for what we think we should have done and didn’t.  Shame for making that simple mistake.  Shame for the way our kids behave when new people come over for dinner.  Shame for the way we look when we gain weight.  Shame for the way we laugh.  Shame for the way we are too shy.  Shame for the way we are too outspoken.  Shame for the words we spoke, but shouldn’t have....  Geez.  How long could this list be?  I promise you it could go on for seemingly endless days. 

In “Cry of the Soul” by Dan Allendar and Tremper, he says this about shame...

“Shame is an exposure of our idolatry...  We are exposed in our foolish trust in ourselves when we are shamed because we spilled a drink on our lap, because a chid makes poor grades...  But shame is also a great gift.  It can reveal sin and draw forth desire.  If we honor shame as a severe mercy that can lead us to the wonder and wholeness of worship, then we need not fear (unto death) what will be drawn forth in the staggering moment of exposure.  We can face shame as an invitation to look into the eyes of the One who does not condemn  but instead, He offers grace, forgiveness and freedom.”

Could it really be that we feel shame most of the time because we have put our trust, our faith, our worth in ourselves - and we have found that we are not worthy of that worship?  I can certainly see how it is my pride that leads me to shame.  I loved the line “the staggering moment of exposure.”  We are exposed - naked and exposed.  It is as if I expect myself to be perfect in every way - without faults or blunders.  Without messing up.  Seriously, no one is like that.  Everybody screws up.  Everybody sins.  For Heaven’s sake, that is why we NEED a Savior.  We couldn’t do it on our own...  But, shame comes strong when that realization hits us in front of other people.  We so desire to be self sufficient, knowledgable and powerful.  We love the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  We did taste of that fruit, through Adam and Eve... And our eyes were “opened”.   How absolutely ironic that the moment our eyes were opened we became truly blind.   It makes me sad to understand that I, like Sarai, often have a back up plan for God - to make what He has said more easily understood.  “Well, it just makes sense that God meant....”  And off I go trusting in myself instead of my faithful God.  And, there are always consequences to that.  Always. 

Romans 8:28 promises us (who love God) that God can work it all together for our good.  He can take even our biggest mistakes and turn them into something glorious.  Only He can do that.  But, we will still face consequences from the choices that we make because we are not trusting Him - we don’t really believe that He has our best interest at heart.  We believe instead that He is holding out on us.  That He couldn’t possibly be loving and all powerful and at the same time allow the world to be what it has become.  We are relying on our knowledge - which is limited - to explain His infinite knowledge that is limitless and beyond understanding.  We trust then, in what we see - instead of what is real beyond our sight.   Faith does not make sense.  It is not containable or explainable.  Faith is believing in that which you cannot see.  I cannot see the wind, and yet, I know that it exists.  I cannot see the pull of gravity - and yet, I have merely to jump up to see it is real.   I long to have the faith that stands firm - even when everything else is shaking.  I want the faith to remember that God sees me - all of me - and knows what is best for my life.  His vision is not blurry.  He has the whole picture and He is not withholding any good thing from me.