A Holy Tension

photo credit to Carlos Gutierrez

Lately I have been manic-depressive, or in today’s terms - bi-polar. 

Truly, I have been tossed back and forth between the truth that I know in my mind about God and His plan and love and care of me - and this woman; fleshy - full of needs and wants and hopes- some rooted and grounded in truth and others rooted in this thing inside that says I deserve now to be loved as I will be in glory. 

It is a unique thing to know that the truth is the truth - and to know that I am being confused, but being completely unable to discern the depth, or the starting point of that thing that confuses me.  I think I am more confused now than when I went to type that.  : /

You see, I believe that I am already loved as deeply as I ever will be - the fullness of the love of God is already mine to hold.  He will never love me more than He does right now.  Because His love is perfect.  It doesn’t grow for me, because it is already the fullness of love itself.  It is a perfect - unchanging love.  It is in itself already whole and pure - there is NO MORE that I have to strive for, to earn, or yearn for.  The fullness is mine.  HOWEVER, I am mandating - in my own way - that human people love me the way that my God loves me.  I am mourning that I am not loved in the same fullness by the people of the earth as I am by my God.  I am wanting to hold this thing that is not mine to hold.  I am desiring to be filled by one who was not created to fill me.  It has caused me great pain, and I would like to think that the awareness of that fact is liberty - when truly the liberty is not in the knowing, but in the actions that flow from the knowledge.  Whew... My mind is reeling... Just reeling over this.

I am so prideful.  I have been so full of sin in my heart and the knowledge that that is true is in itself not liberty.  It is the response to that knowledge that holds freedom for me.  This quote is so simple, and yet so rich.  It seems like, a “duh” statement, but at the same time, truly comprehending the fullness eludes me.  Listen to it... (it is like God is saying), “I want you to do your part, but I don’t want you to exaggerate what your part produces.”  Staggering.  I produce nothing.  Not one thing.  I have been created for a purpose, and He will produce fruit from that which He has called me to, but it is His fruit.  The fruit is not from me, or of me, but being allowed to come through me by His hand.  I produce nothing.  I value what I have to say too much.  I expect others to want me to share it - to want to hear what I have to say...  and yet, He has given me a message that is to be shared - at all cost - because He has comforted me so that I can comfort others.  What in the world do you do with all that?  I am created for a purpose, but it is not my purpose that matters - or even my obedience - because in the grand scheme of things, He doesn’t need me.  He could use anyone or anything to bring about what He desires.  So, in one hand, He has given me a great gift on this earth - to have purpose, to be chosen, and on the other hand, He wants me to remember that it is His plan that will prevail.  It is His worth that matters - not my own.  I want to embrace humility, and yet, I cannot on my own even be humble.  YIKES.  I am a bit of a mess today.  That is certain. 

I am not sure if I am even making sense.  My knowledge tells me - it even demands that I repent before the Lord - declaring my perception of my self worth as an atrocity to His great Name.  It is.  It is absolutely ridiculous how highly I see myself.  And yet, He declares me worth the blood of His Son.  If I could get on my face and repent and mean it - I could be healed.  He could rend my heart and mend it back.  But I am going to be honest with you.  At this moment, my heart is not torn.  I am not nearly as unsettled as I need to be in this.  My discomfort has made me desire comfort in a way that I should be unnerved by.  And, in places, I am unnerved.  But, in places, I am still longing to be comforted - and surrendering to the idea that I deserve to be.  Oh Jesus help me.

I have much more in my heart - in my head, but for now...  I must shut it all down and run to the Word to see what jewels He has there.  What things He will tell me in the still and quiet moments that will rend my heart.  His Word is alive and living and able to pierce even the hardest of hearts - including mine. 

Emmanuel - let it be.  Emmanuel.  God be with me.  Rend my heart - until it is yours, fully yours.    

In Need...

There was a song we used to sing in worship called "In Need" - I believe it was written by Ross King.  It said, "in need of grace, in need of love, in need of mercy reigning down from high above.  In need of strength, in need of peace, in need of things that only you can give to me.  In need of Christ, the perfect lamb, my refuge strong, the great I Am.  This is my song, my humble plea, I am your child, I am in need."  It makes me sob buckets right now.  It is perfectly beautiful to describe how we are every day - even when we don't realize it.

I do not like to ask for help (usually because of PRIDE).

The Bible tells me PRIDE is not okay.

I believe the Bible is 100% correct - and that brings me to the point.

For my friends who like lists and not words...  Scroll down and you will find the list of practical needs.  :)  For my other friends who don’t mind all my words... Here ya go!

Life has not been a bowl of cherries for us over the last 6 months.  There have been some really difficult things.  These things have tested my ability to rest in Jesus while seemingly everything around me swirled into oblivion.  But, I DID (and still do!) trust Jesus - and He has come through.  He has never let us down.  Each month, we have sat literally stunned by how He took care of things.  It has been so cool (and yet, so hard) to watch him teach us what trusting Him for  our daily bread really looks like.

That is the second reason I have hesitated to “post” any of these requests.  I know that God can meet every need we have.  I believe that with my whole heart.  But, if I don’t let people know our needs - well - but, there is still the Holy Spirit...  See my dilemma?  Am I taking things into my own hands by asking, is that some lack of faith that God will provide?  I don’t think so.  I think, for now, He has laid it on my heart to share our needs and watch Him take care of things.  But, I have to be honest, there is a voice in my head that tells me I lack faith and I am trusting in myself and not my God to provide.  - Go away stupid voice.  I love Jesus and I am confident He will accomplish more than I can even imagine.

With that said, there are some practical things that we really need and if someone else has them and doesn’t need them, we would be blessed.  However, I do not want anyone to give under compulsion - as I can assure you God will provide.  He promises He will meet every need we have, and He is FAITHFUL!

*  size L mens maroon athletic shorts - yes I am an Aggie, but it is really because that is the color the school insists he has. He probably needs two pair - one to wear while the other one is washing.
*  Assorted notebooks and spirals (one black binder for Maddy’s band) and spirals of any color for all three of the kiddos.
* A clarinet.  Used is fantastic - I just don’t know where to begin to find her an instrument and she really wants to be in band. There are many things that are needed for this (reeds and cleaning cloths and such).

I have to stop for a minute and tell you right now tears are rolling down my cheeks.  This is so hard to do.  Yes, pride... Yes, because it is hard to literally not be able to give my kids the things that they need for school...  Yes, because I would so much prefer to be on the other end of this email - searching for ways that we could help.  It is so not fun to feel unable to help someone else.  Probably one of the hardest parts of it all...  Ugh.  So. Not. Fun.

* a lawnmower (or someone who is good with stuff like that who could come fix ours that is broken)

* shorts for Maddy for athletics (also maroon I think)  size S/M - women’s.  She is about a women’s size 3 or 4.  I don’t know what they call that for athletic shorts.

* Other school supplies (like pencils and specific notebooks that I haven’t even found out about yet).

I want you to know from the deepest place in my heart that I am more thankful for your prayers than I can say.  I know what it is not to be able to help someone with a list -so if that is where you are - know that praying for us will do far more - and go much further than you could ever imagine.  So, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you for every one who reads this - and even just for that moment - prays for our family.  God will provide and I can’t wait to share how He did it with you.

Much love,
~Christy
 

I almost fell for it...

Today I came disturbingly close to falling full force into the trap the enemy had set for me.  But, praise be to God that “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer and enables me to walk on the heights...” 

I got “the” letter today.  The one that has wrong information about the “facts” of the daycare closing.  It’s the same letter that beckons me to believe - I just wasn’t good enough.  I’m a failure, and my name is ruined.  It is the one that almost trapped me into thinking that my value could be determined by the mere opinion of a fellow man.  It is the one that made me reconsider defending my own glory - which is a far different thing than desiring the Lord’s glory alone.  It was a well-set trap.  But, my God is a God who delights in Truth.  And, His Word is full of that Truth.

Just before Jesus was crucified, He prayed for all Believers, and He specifically prayed for you and me -  those of us who would follow Him without ever having sat with Him at supper.  He prayed for those of us who would Believe on His Name and be saved.  He asked His Father several things.  One of them was this, “My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17 Sanctify them by the truth; your Word is truth.” (John 17:15-17).

We will be sanctified by the truth.  His Word is truth.  His Word is what will sanctify us. 

To be sanctified means:  the act/process of making holy, consecrated according to Holman’s Bible Dictionary. 
Webster’s defines it like this: to set apart to a sacred purpose...

As believer’s in Christ, we are set apart to a sacred purpose for sure.  We need His Word to guide us into all truth.  Colossians 3:16 “just happened” to be the verse of the day today on my phone’s daily Bible app.  It says this, “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” 

The Word of God should dwell in us richly.  It teaches us.  That Scripture says that we should have it dwelling in us so much that we can teach and admonish one another in all wisdom.  Scripture yields wisdom - straight from One that has all things and created all things.  I love how it says, “with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” 

Thankfulness is key. 

I, for a moment, forgot how thankful I am for what the Lord has done through this already. 

I am filled with gratitude.  In the deepest places, I am greatly rejoicing over His hand of protection and unfailing love towards me. 

I was rescued.  I am treasured.  I am going to rejoice to the same degree that I get to share in His sufferings.  The false accusations I have received PALE in comparison to those He received. 

I am human, and flawed.

He was perfect.  No mistakes.  No flaws.  Without blemish. 

He was tried, beaten, mocked, spat upon and crucified - and He did nothing wrong.  Not one thing.

I feel like Job as he stood in the storm - right in the very presence of God’s power and said, “my ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42:5)  His next move - he despised himself and repented in dust and ashes.

I am afraid too often that is my problem.  I do not despise myself.  I am not talking about not having self esteem.  I am talking about loving my “self”, loving my flesh.  Loving my name more than I love His.  I wish you could hear my heart screaming!  “I DO NOT WANT TO LOVE MY NAME MORE THAN I LOVE HIS!!!!!” 

Lord, Jesus, help me get this!!  These are the times to bring Him glory.  These are the times to worship Him and serve Him only.  Ugh, when will my flesh understand that it is not about me!

So, here it is...  a confession long overdue this day:

He alone is beautiful. 
He alone is worthy.
He alone is the Creator. 
He alone deserves ALL glory and praise.
He alone can redeem my life.
He was and is, and is to come.

May His Kingdom come and His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.