What's in a Name?

 "As for me, I am just a train wreck of a woman. Fully flawed: arrogant stubborn, and vibrantly aware of the shortcomings that shout my depravity. But meaningfully changed, to the core, by His grace that is great-than." ~ Gwen Smith

Never have I read something that so powerfully wrapped up how I feel in my walk with Christ.  A train wreck. My shortcomings and flaws constantly going through my mind reminding me that on this earth I am a broken mess.  I couldn't have thought of a way to say it better.

Names are powerful things. Sometimes we allow our names to define us. We allow our label to tell us who we are. Sometimes that is our given name, a married name, and sometimes it is a nickname, or even a title we receive at work, or in the community. God often changed people's names in the Bible.  He renamed Abram, Abraham. He renamed Jacob, Israel. He called Sarai, Sarah. Often he changed what people were called when they entered a new season - a different season, a season with purpose and dripping with promise. What a cool thing.

As I sat in court the morning I decided to legally change my name back to my maiden name, I had the opportunity to hear a man call in to take a different last name - that of his birth-father.  He must have been in his late 20's and his whole life he had gone by another name.  You could hear the elation in his voice as he was taking the name back that he was born with.  I got a little teary eyed as I listened to him explain to the judge the reasoning, and it had me thinking.  Names are important. Seasons are important.  In this season, it is right and good for me to take the name that I was given as a little baby girl who entered the world backwards (breech) while my worried Daddy sat in the hallway not knowing how long I would live once I got here, or what quality of life I would have when I came.  It is a long-standing joke of mine that I entered this world backwards and have been doing things the hard way ever since. It actually fits rather well.

Bruised and crying...

I suppose I was not much to look at honestly.  My baby pictures look just like Don Knots (but seriously).  I was not altogether lovely, but I bet I was the prettiest sight to my parents who were scared for my life in those moments.

Life has continued to deal me black and blue moments. I won't rehearse them all here, but I have had my fair share.  I have also been dealt more than my fair share of blessings.  I have been married twice now and from those unions, had the opportunity to raise and love 6 beautiful children. Never has there been a greater gift to me than the gift of being a momma to these.

The death of my oldest son, two failed marriages and more losses than I care to recount.  It is enough to make a girl lose heart. It was almost enough to shake my faith to the breaking point. But, our God is relentless in the pursuit of my heart.  He has been since I was a small girl, and He wouldn't let go of me when I was being torn apart by the enemy of my soul. He gripped me tight and settled me in, as I struggled against Him, safe, but still fighting in His big strong hand. He held me tenderly and strong. Even when I was ready to let the enemy have his way with me... God would not allow it. Pain came in wave upon wave until I thought I might drown. This life is not an easy life.  But, God is good. Ultimately, He is GOOD through and through, and He refused to let me go.

It feels good to be here.  Chatting again.  For a time, it was as though my soul chatter - the deepest parts of my heart were put under a bowl.  I didn't have the energy or the words to share my world with you... and that is okay.  But, it sure feels good to be back.

This year, my word has been COURAGE.  Funny, I went to a conference with some sweet friends and each of us had a word in our bag that we "randomly" were given at the front door on the first night. My bag contained the word Courage.  I smiled to the depths of my being.  Yep.  He knows me well, and He pursues me constantly.  It takes courage to do "normal" life these days. Because life feels anything but normal most of the time.

I intend to write more in the coming weeks.  But for now, I will say this... it is a new season of life for me.  It is difficult to say, and I am sure some will judge the meaning incorrectly... but I love being a single mom.  It is hard, but it is beautiful. The peace that fills my home with Jesus as the head is truly indescribable.  Don't get me wrong... we still have fights between siblings and we have much to work on in the way of honoring one another well... but, at the end of the day, we pull together and we do well.  God takes care of the providing through and through.  We have the responsibility to work hard, and to love God and love each other.  There is something so simple about living with that in mind.

Be still my heart... oh how I adore them. 

Love God.
Love each other.
Forgive quickly.
Be Kind.

Simple.

And while it is not easy, it is so so good when we get it right. What a beautiful God to have a plan in place for us even when sin tries to tear everything apart. Satan has a goal to destroy us, but my God has a plan to redeem us.  Beauty from ashes. Joy from despair.

This year brings a new season for us. A season that I am ready to embrace with all that I have. Whatever may come, and whatever may go, my God will not change. He has not and will never forsake us. He is near. It is as if there is an aroma in the air like the scent after a fresh rain on a flower garden. There is something stirring and He has been clear that He is not finished with me yet. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow. He will not give up on us.

Me and my crew.  (Heart full! )

Know that He has not given up on you either. If you don't know the pursuit I am talking about, please take a chance.  Take a minute, and right now, in the stillness, be brave enough to ask God to reveal Himself to you. He is all around and He is pursuing you. You simply need to be aware. He has a plan for you and His plan is good. He is trustworthy and true. Put Him to the test.  Ask Him to reveal Himself and then keep your eyes and heart open to see how He answers.  He will answer. 

He will not give up on you. Even if you have given up on yourself. 

Blessed!

Blessed beyond measure.

That is the only way I can describe my life.

I have a wonderful, more-handsome-by-the-year husband.  Five beautiful, respectful (most of the time) and healthy children.

I have a job that I believe I was created for...  And a God who never quits on me.  I do not always follow Him - or heed His warnings.  But, I am always deeply loved.  I am always protected, and never forgotten.  How amazing is that?

We have a lot of hard things to face ahead as a family.  We are in over our heads in many areas in our lives.  We have a lot of things to figure out and a lot of things we wish we could wiggle our nose and make disappear.  HOWEVER, God is going to help us rearrange our lives to look like He desires because He is so concerned with our hearts and because He loves us perfectly.   Perfectly.  Without flaw.  Everything He does is good.  Everything He desires for us is good - and no matter what it looks like on the outside, that is the Truth from the depths and riches of the Word of God.

I adore this Savior who adored me first.  I am enthralled by His love and I yearn to spend more of my days telling Him how much He is worthy of my praise!

Life is never easy, but God’s grace is sufficient.  Today, find a few things to thank Him for - even if you have too look really hard at your life.  Make a small list and build on that.  Each day look for the thing that is His reminder to you that He is still there.  He is.  He sees you and He loves you, no matter what choices you have made.

Be blessed!

A Birthday of Blessings!

I woke up to a hand-made (sweet and of course, witty) card from my husband. 

I snuggled on the couch with my babies and ate breakfast.  :)

We met a friend at the movies for the incredible 50 cent Summer movie clubhouse!  (Loved seeing you Tiff - even though it was only for a bit!)

I was spoiled and treated to lunch by my beautiful friend, Mary.  Who also brought me my favorite coffee creamer, the beautiful flowers in the picture, and a new book!!!  I praise God because she knows me so well  - it was perfect - all of it.  My favorite part was getting to chat with her - I am always so blessed by her friendship and love.  Beautiful.

Another precious friend (Thanks Trish!) from our home group treated me to a massage!  Oh man, did I really need that.  It was simply delightful!

Then, my amazing personal chef (also known as my hubby, Ken) made me a steak dinner and his famous Cobb Salad - which is outstanding!  To top it off, he baked me a Red Velvet Cake and lit all 35 candles :) 
Then, I went to work out at BoomFIT with my sweet friend Debi (whom it has been entirely too long since we've hung out!).  I wanted to puke (after eating steak) - but it was really great and I felt good about it after the nausea wore off  :)

Countless friends called, emailed, texted and wrote on my FB wall - with birthday wishes.  So blessed. 

What a day!  My kids sang to me and loved on me all day.  I had sweet fellowship with friends and time to just relax (and pray and read). 

It was a perfect day!   I found myself being so grateful for my family and friends. 

I was especially blessed when my phone rang at 10:20pm!  My friend who lives in East Asia called me to wish me happy birthday.  We got to skype for over and hour and I just cried because of how good it was to see her face and hear her heart.  I have missed her so greatly over this past year!

I couldn't have designed a better day.  It was simply beautiful. 

I am so thankful for the gifts the Lord has given me in my friends.  I can't imagine not having a close group of people who I can share my dreams and my hurts and my heart with!   Each birthday wish, every sweet gesture and the time invested in my life from these precious people is priceless to me. 
What an amazing God to have planned my life before I was even created!  To think He knew every person I would come in contact with - each person that would enrich my life in some way or another...  wow.  What a good and gracious God! 

Today I am still just reveling in the goodness of God.  And, today, I got to enjoy coffee with a new dear friend, Dayna.  It was so exciting to hear how similar some of the desires in our hearts are.  Sweet!  Really sweet! 

I am so thankful for the hand of God in my life.  I am so thankful to be His child.  I am so thankful to have the friends that I have (every single one of you!) 

What a joy to hope in the Lord and have fellowship with others who are like-minded! My heart delights in the great things He is doing.  He is so worthy of my adoration.  He has surely done great things... and He will surely continue to do great things. 

Oh beautiful mountains!!

Today is an amazing day! I am looking (right now) at snow capped mountains and sitting in the 65* weather of beautiful Estes Park, Colorado. I am on the balcony of my hotel room with my husband working 10 feet from me and my precious daughter playing in her crib (which was added to our room at no charge!) I am about to settle in with my blanket (I am in the shade and a little chilly) and my Bible and spend time in the Word. Does it get any sweeter than this?

It looks like if I climbed the tall mountain I could reach in and get a handful of the clouds. The breeze is blowing... the sun is shining. Really, God is an amazing Creator. Mia is becomming our most well-traveled child. At 5 months old she has already been to San Antonio, Kansas City, Colorado and several more cities in Texas. She is really getting around! In the Summer she will add DisneyWorld and possibly Silverton, CO to that list. Lucky girl! :) Today I am thankful for a creative Creator. I am thankful for Elk walking through town and snow on the mountains. I am thankful for expensive sandwich shops that remember your name and thoughtful hotel personnel who bought flowers for our room since they knew it was our anniversary. What? That is crazy. So sweet, and so wonderful. Yesterday was difficult... lots of time in the car, on the plane, in the rental car place and the drive to Estes Park, but today, all the hecticness fades a little bit every hour. Anyway, the kids are all doing wonderfully!

Ken and I got an email from one of Jacob's teachers that was so sweet. It bragged on and on about what a great kid he is - respectful and considerate... such a good student and a blessing to have in class! Maddy is a loving and super-smart girl who is now fluent in Spanish. Jared is up and coming on his Spanish and an absolute precious child! For mother's day - he made me flowers, picked me flowers, treated me to ice-cream with his money... and told me over and over that I was the best mommy in the world. He is my thoughtful boy! Jake also took me to lunch on his money and Maddy has a whole coupon book of things I can redeem.. ice-cream, dvd, lunch.... precious!!!

Jude is with Aunt Lisa and having a blast being spoiled! He is really hilarious now. He can communicate really well... he tells me when he is hungry ("eat, eat") or when he wants to "go". He knows all about juice and straws and candy in the candy jar. That is "peas, peas?" So precious! He really is growing up (with a mouth full of teeth!)

And then there is Mia... oh Mia. We have been stopped literally for over an hour combined on this trip (less than 2 days) with people asking us about her... it is funny. Precious and funny. She is really captivating! What an angel. She was so precious on the plane... so sweet on the drive and so great while we eat! She falls asleep with no drama and is just content to coo at herself in the mirror as we drive. She is spoiled, but so worth it!!!

All in all, I again say that I might be the MOST BLESSED lady in the whole world!!

LOVE.... TRUE LOVE....

In studying the Sermon on the Mount and really being burdened for marriages and relationships among believers in general, these are some thoughts, and scriptures that have come up. Most of the scripture I am using is taken from The Sermon on the mount – specifically Matthew 5:38-47 .
Jesus is taking everything that His disciples know from the "law" and making the heart of the issues come forth. He gets so far away from what is the norm in the next passages that I am certain some people decided that what He was saying was impossible, and it is impossible, apart from a relationship with Him. In Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus says, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40 And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
I think that the point is pretty clear here. When people do you wrong and take from you and treat you harshly, you are to treat them with love in return. Proverbs says, “a gentle answer turns away wrath…” If they want what you have – give it to them and then some. If they are mean with words, don’t return the ugliness, fight your flesh and love them in return. It is not okay for a child of God to respond to any situation like a non-believer. We are to be salt and light. This is all just an extension of the things that we have already learned from the beginning of the sermon on the mount. It is a blessing to be persecuted. It is a blessing to be meek, humble, poor in spirit. Don’t you get it? It is a blessing to be different. It is a blessing to not let “things” fill our needs. It is a privilege and a freedom to be able to give up all your stuff for Jesus. How much easier it is to spend time in the Word if you don’t even have a tv. All of our “things” distract us so much from the important things. When we are completely satisfied in Him, there is nothing of more value that someone can take away from us. Then, it is FREEDOM to be taken from. It is freedom because that thing, or that right is so pale in comparison to the fullness that you have in Christ, that it is impossible for people to really “steal” from you.


What Jesus says next is one of my favorite portions of scripture. It is really straight to the point and very clear about what is important in life. Matthew 5:43-47 says, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

It isn’t hard to love people who love you. It is however, one of the most difficult things to love someone who is mean to you - to care for and love people who are always just nasty to you. But, the Lord is clear. I find that it is more difficult for me to love “Christian” people who are mean than lost people. I believe lost people don’t know how to love because they don’t know the love of Christ. They are supposed to be calloused and selfish. But, believers who act in the same way are much more difficult to love. John 13:35 tells us that people will know that we are Christians by our love for each other. That is scary. I don’t know too many people who exhibit the kind of love that Christ is talking about in order for people to notice. I think that I know more believers who give a great example of how NOT to love one another - pretty sad. But, if we would get this – this one thing, we would have an easier time walking out our faith. I think that is why Jesus ends this particular passage with “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Once we have figured out how to love one another perfectly, we will be perfect. Please see 1 Cor. 13 - God's most excellent way....

Why is it that the greatest command is to love God? Scripture makes it clear that we love because He first loved us. (1John 4:19) Because if we don’t receive God’s love towards us we can never love Him, which then makes it impossible to do the second greatest command (Matthew 22:34-40) and that is to love one another. But it is the most often repeated command in scripture. The whole Word of God from beginning to end is telling us to love God and love others. It is because there is no other way to show the love of Christ to someone else. (Philippians 2:3-5) Consider others better than yourself… Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit…. (Col 3:12-14)Bear with one another… forgive as you have been forgiven. It is not about YOU. It is about the glory of a Holy God. It is about the privilege of being different. This is so simple to understand when you have the perspective of the cross. But, when it is still about how situations make us feel, and how things affect us, it is impossible to love in the way that God asks us to.
He ends with be “perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.” It seems to me that we should be the most thankful for the top 5 most difficult people in our lives. If you will consider with me for a moment, I believe one of the quickest routes to holiness is through pain and rejection. How can we really fear God alone and not man if we always please men in the things that we do for God? Rejection by men, and especially men that we respect and love, will cause us to determine who we live to please. If we always are taken care of and put first, how will we ever get a chance to walk out true humility? If we say we love people, and we don’t have any difficult people in our lives to love, then how do we really know? It is the people who falsely accuse us that show us that the truth about our hearts belongs to God alone. It is the selfish and hateful people who teach us how to turn to the Lord to fulfill our deepest needs – and truly find the beginnings of the depth of His love for us.
The more we are rejected by fellow man, the more we must turn to the Lord to find our worth, and how deeply we are loved by Him. And there is no love that can match His love for us. How great is the Father’s love that He has lavished on us! It is important that we are being rejected because we are choosing God and not because we are being rebellious to the authority God has placed in our lives. God puts people in our lives for a purpose. The refining that is done to our hearts by relationships with difficult people is a blessing from the Lord. Even people who aren’t traditionally “difficult” will be used when necessary to bring about holiness in your life. It is time that we realize that we are difficult people too.
Until we know how to look past our needs, our rights and our feelings, we will not love as He loves. We will only love ourselves. We cannot on our own be perfect as our Father is. He loves us perfectly. Jesus wants us to understand that the bar has been raised. It is a standard unable to be met on our own. We must have the help of the Holy Spirit and we must keep our eyes on His cross. Oh, Lord help us to be perfect as you are perfect. There is no other way to read that. He wasn’t saying try to be perfect. He wasn’t saying, try not to mess up too much. He said be perfect.

Webster defines perfect as being entirely without fault or defect – flawless. Are you striving to be flawless for God? Romans 12:11 says, “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” Let’s be zealous for the Lord – and less zealous for our own rights.