What's in a Name?

 "As for me, I am just a train wreck of a woman. Fully flawed: arrogant stubborn, and vibrantly aware of the shortcomings that shout my depravity. But meaningfully changed, to the core, by His grace that is great-than." ~ Gwen Smith

Never have I read something that so powerfully wrapped up how I feel in my walk with Christ.  A train wreck. My shortcomings and flaws constantly going through my mind reminding me that on this earth I am a broken mess.  I couldn't have thought of a way to say it better.

Names are powerful things. Sometimes we allow our names to define us. We allow our label to tell us who we are. Sometimes that is our given name, a married name, and sometimes it is a nickname, or even a title we receive at work, or in the community. God often changed people's names in the Bible.  He renamed Abram, Abraham. He renamed Jacob, Israel. He called Sarai, Sarah. Often he changed what people were called when they entered a new season - a different season, a season with purpose and dripping with promise. What a cool thing.

As I sat in court the morning I decided to legally change my name back to my maiden name, I had the opportunity to hear a man call in to take a different last name - that of his birth-father.  He must have been in his late 20's and his whole life he had gone by another name.  You could hear the elation in his voice as he was taking the name back that he was born with.  I got a little teary eyed as I listened to him explain to the judge the reasoning, and it had me thinking.  Names are important. Seasons are important.  In this season, it is right and good for me to take the name that I was given as a little baby girl who entered the world backwards (breech) while my worried Daddy sat in the hallway not knowing how long I would live once I got here, or what quality of life I would have when I came.  It is a long-standing joke of mine that I entered this world backwards and have been doing things the hard way ever since. It actually fits rather well.

Bruised and crying...

I suppose I was not much to look at honestly.  My baby pictures look just like Don Knots (but seriously).  I was not altogether lovely, but I bet I was the prettiest sight to my parents who were scared for my life in those moments.

Life has continued to deal me black and blue moments. I won't rehearse them all here, but I have had my fair share.  I have also been dealt more than my fair share of blessings.  I have been married twice now and from those unions, had the opportunity to raise and love 6 beautiful children. Never has there been a greater gift to me than the gift of being a momma to these.

The death of my oldest son, two failed marriages and more losses than I care to recount.  It is enough to make a girl lose heart. It was almost enough to shake my faith to the breaking point. But, our God is relentless in the pursuit of my heart.  He has been since I was a small girl, and He wouldn't let go of me when I was being torn apart by the enemy of my soul. He gripped me tight and settled me in, as I struggled against Him, safe, but still fighting in His big strong hand. He held me tenderly and strong. Even when I was ready to let the enemy have his way with me... God would not allow it. Pain came in wave upon wave until I thought I might drown. This life is not an easy life.  But, God is good. Ultimately, He is GOOD through and through, and He refused to let me go.

It feels good to be here.  Chatting again.  For a time, it was as though my soul chatter - the deepest parts of my heart were put under a bowl.  I didn't have the energy or the words to share my world with you... and that is okay.  But, it sure feels good to be back.

This year, my word has been COURAGE.  Funny, I went to a conference with some sweet friends and each of us had a word in our bag that we "randomly" were given at the front door on the first night. My bag contained the word Courage.  I smiled to the depths of my being.  Yep.  He knows me well, and He pursues me constantly.  It takes courage to do "normal" life these days. Because life feels anything but normal most of the time.

I intend to write more in the coming weeks.  But for now, I will say this... it is a new season of life for me.  It is difficult to say, and I am sure some will judge the meaning incorrectly... but I love being a single mom.  It is hard, but it is beautiful. The peace that fills my home with Jesus as the head is truly indescribable.  Don't get me wrong... we still have fights between siblings and we have much to work on in the way of honoring one another well... but, at the end of the day, we pull together and we do well.  God takes care of the providing through and through.  We have the responsibility to work hard, and to love God and love each other.  There is something so simple about living with that in mind.

Be still my heart... oh how I adore them. 

Love God.
Love each other.
Forgive quickly.
Be Kind.

Simple.

And while it is not easy, it is so so good when we get it right. What a beautiful God to have a plan in place for us even when sin tries to tear everything apart. Satan has a goal to destroy us, but my God has a plan to redeem us.  Beauty from ashes. Joy from despair.

This year brings a new season for us. A season that I am ready to embrace with all that I have. Whatever may come, and whatever may go, my God will not change. He has not and will never forsake us. He is near. It is as if there is an aroma in the air like the scent after a fresh rain on a flower garden. There is something stirring and He has been clear that He is not finished with me yet. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow. He will not give up on us.

Me and my crew.  (Heart full! )

Know that He has not given up on you either. If you don't know the pursuit I am talking about, please take a chance.  Take a minute, and right now, in the stillness, be brave enough to ask God to reveal Himself to you. He is all around and He is pursuing you. You simply need to be aware. He has a plan for you and His plan is good. He is trustworthy and true. Put Him to the test.  Ask Him to reveal Himself and then keep your eyes and heart open to see how He answers.  He will answer. 

He will not give up on you. Even if you have given up on yourself.