Happy Birthday Jacob! You are missed, my love...

Today is a precious day for me and my family.  This was the day, 17 years ago that God gave us Jacob.

We will celebrate tonight with a birthday cake.  We won’t laugh as hard as we would have if he were here.  But, we will take turns talking about how thankful we were to know him, and to love him.  We will share our favorite memories of him.  We will miss him more than we have words that could express it.

I have battled over this past year and a half.  My heart has been so angry with God at times.  I have known that He had the power and the full ability to bring my boy back to me that day.  I have never doubted that.  But, He, in His Sovereignty, chose to take Jacob from the earth.  Something about that makes it hard to trust for a while.  I am desperate to trust Him the same way I used to... But I know that I am re-learning to trust.  I guess a trust un-tested is not a deep trust.  I am pressing in to know a greater depth of trust than I had before.  It is easy to sing the songs in church if you have not suffered deep loss.  When life has been somewhat kind and blessings (those things we recognize as blessings) seem to be all around.  It isn’t hard to sing, “Bless the Lord O my soul” when your soul is full and you are standing in a sweet place with the Lord.  But, when He really does take away...  When He really allows something so devastating to touch your life... Well, if I'm honest, sometimes I can’t bring myself to sing the words out loud.  It is more of a desperate cry from the depths of me - silently - begging God to restore trust.  To give more grace.  To give more mercy so that my mouth can move to utter the words that I mean, but cannot give voice to.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am so grateful.  I am so thankful.  God has blessed me more than I can ever say.  Losing Jacob did not make me less thankful.  It made me more thankful for my family.  It made me more thankful for the people in my life that are still here to laugh and cry with.  It has made me take a deeper look at what eternity really means, and it has made me thankful for every moment I get to share with those who are here.  But, it has also made me look forward to the day that Jesus will return for us!
  

I have wept so many timess over the past two weeks.  I just miss my boy like crazy.  It is harder in some ways now that it has been longer.  He would be starting his senior year of high school this year.  He would have been graduating in May.  Making big life decisions.  His sweet friends will walk the stage... They will walk the halls - as the first seniors in that school... And he will not be walking with them.  But, this I know... If we could understand where he is walking right now, we would not be this sad.  We have no real understanding of the world that waits for those of us who love God and have accepted Christ as the atoning sacrifice (the payment) for our sins.  We cannot fathom all that God has in store for us.  My boy is so much more alive than I can understand.  This world is merely a shadow of things to come.  He no longer walks among the shadows.

Anyway, here are some pics of a boy that meant a whole lot to many people.

We celebrate you, Jacob.  Your birth, your life, and your eternity with the One who created you and made you so special.  You, my love, left a really big mark on this earth in your short time here.  Love you and miss you every day sweet boy.  ~ "Mommy"

Take heart...

I heard yesterday (via my 11 year old) that the current stress levels of your average high school student is the exact same as those who were Psychiatric patients in the early 1950s.  (quoted by Robert Leahy in Psychology today). 

I am not educated in this.  I am not saying I have found the answer to anything, by any means.  But, I feel like they are under so much pressure because so much pressure has been placed in them to please (or to perform for) man.  They have so much desire to be recognized as worthy, or smart, or successful, or holy, or any other label that we as parents and pastors and teachers have decided they need to be.   From our pulpits (quite unintentionally I am sure) we have stopped stressing the message of Christ - the freedom of the Gospel, and we have traded it for something far less.  We have shifted the focus off of our Savior and on to our sin...  Our works...  Our everything...  But that is not what we are told to do.  We are told to “fix our eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith.”  It does not say, fix your eyes on your past... Fix your eyes on your future...  on your problems, your successes, your children, your church, your family, your career, your dreams...  You fill in the blank... But that isn’t what it says.  It says keep the main thing the main thing.  And, in my simple language - in my life EVERY DAY - this is what the Gospel says to me.  “Christy, your sins were as scarlet.  You were hopeless.  You are constantly given the choice to do right, and you choose wrong.  But, take heart.  I knew you would do this.  I knew you from the moment I created you inside of your beautiful mother.  I knew you would be filled with thoughts that were unholy.  Desires that would threaten your life and the life of those who you love.  I knew that you would be overtaken, not once, but many times by the snares of sin.  And that is why I came.  I came for you.  You needed, and still need daily my rescue.  But, fear not.  I have come.  I am here.  I see you.  I know you.  I bled for you.  I took on myself the burden, the terrible weight of all the sin that belonged to you, and I am NOT SORRY I did it.  I have no regrets, for you are my beloved.”

Wow.  Today, I needed my Jesus to remind me those very things.  He is enough.  He is always and forever enough.  Without Him I am poor, pitiful, blind, naked and so very sinful.  With Him, by His blood, I am REDEEMED.  I am changed.  I am not who I once was.  And for this, I am supremely thankful.      

On another note, just because I have been super missing this kid lately, I wanted to include pics of my Jacob.  The boy that changed my whole life - and the boy I miss with a desperation that I cannot explain.  This boy brought so much laughter... so much joy... so much life to our family.  We are trying to move forward in joy, with hope... but I will be honest... nothing will ever be the same without him.  Enjoy, as I have... these photos were snapped one after the other and he was being a toot.  I was snapping them so fast I didn't realize he wasn't sitting there smiling like he was supposed to.  At the time, I was so angry.  But now, I wouldn't trade them or the memories for anything in the world. 

A new year, with New Hope...

Where do I begin?

Good grief!  It has been months since I’ve been here - and I have missed writing so much!

Life is made up of little chunks of time, and I am noticing that every day you have to choose what moments you want your life made up of.  Those are the things you invest your time in.  The hard part is the choosing - there seems to be a constant barrage of things that you could invest your time in.  Things clamoring for first place in your life.  But, the beautiful part is YOU CHOOSE.  Maybe today, I will just encourage you to choose wisely what things you allow to take pieces of your heart, and pieces of your life.  Your life is made of time... Minutes that turn to hours that turn to days, that turn to years. 

So, therefore, it follows that what you give your time to, you are ultimately giving your life to. 

This new year has brought so many good things for us. 

We have more direction in our days.  We have more stability in our lives as a whole.  The changes have been radical... but so very good.

Today I rejoice in the blessings that are all around my life.  My children.  My family.  My friends.  My jobs.  My health.  God is so very faithful. 

In November I was sent a message inquiring if I would like to grow in the area of leading worship.  If you have read even just a handful of posts from me, you know that Worship is such a big part of my heart.  The opportunity to lead worship... to sit before the Lord and ask what is on His heart for our body each week as we seek to enter His presence stirred something deep inside.  But, as with many gifts that come from the Lord, it doesn’t stop there, with the filling of my soul... It also helps me to provide for my precious family.  Truly, what a gift.  I was literally days away from having to take a job that would have taken me away from my kiddos in the evenings and on the weekends.  Heartbreaking.  I just couldn’t turn the application to the other job in.   Only God can look down and see the depth of our needs - emotional, spiritual, financial, physical...  He alone knows how to create something from nothing.  I prayed for a few months, as the timing was really not what I would have expected -  and then took the position in January.  The kids and I are so excited to get to know everyone in the body there.  It has been so encouraging for all of us.  It seems that every Sunday someone encourages us in a deep way about being there.  It was hard to be called away from our other church family.  We have deep roots.  We have much love in our hearts for that family.  But, when God moves, and He beckons you to follow, the only wise choice is to go.  He alone is wise.  He doesn’t think like me.  He doesn’t act like me.  And, I trust Him with all that is in me. 

December was so hard.  Our first Christmas without Jake.  The air was thick with the understanding that he wasn’t there.  Some moments, like putting lights on the house, and getting the Christmas tree seemed like they would bring me to the end of hope.  Where was my boy?  How do we do this?  Praise be to God that He provided friends to make that time easier for us.  But, easier does not mean easy.  Many tears.  Many hard moments of just feeling the loss. 


January flew by.  I was in a whirlwind the whole month I think. 

When February came, it was like a series of long cold winter days.  No life in the trees.  Only dead branches.  Only stillness that shouted to the reality that we were coming up on a year.  A whole year without Jacob.  How can it only be a year?  And, how can it already be a year?  One moment feeling guilt that there were days that I walked forward with joy and purpose without him.  One moment feeling guilty that there were days that I couldn’t take the next step without falling on my face in desperation.  No emotion seems like the right one.  No reaction seems like it is appropriate.  The 3rd (2 days before the first anniversary of his death) I felt suffocated.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I felt like I didn’t know how to move at all.  I was gripped with so many emotions.  But, God in His sovereign ability, reached down and carried us through those days.  Those messy days.  Lots of tears.  Lots of pain.  Lots of sweet memories.  Lots of conflicting emotions.   

Now, here we are.  Almost to March.  Looking around, there are small hints of new life coming to the earth.  Clovers growing in the yard - adding patches of green, of new growth, of hope.  The first few days of what felt like Spring reared their head for a moment.  Sun shining.  Warmth on my skin, reminding me that God has many beautiful days ahead of us.  And, I am looking forward to a retreat.  I am going to be attending a retreat called Haven of Hope in Round Top in March.  It is for momma’s who have lost a child.  I anticipate it will be hard.  I anticipate I will have emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other.  To hear his name.  To tell people that never knew him what an amazing boy he was...  To speak about it over and over...  To relive memories of the hospital.  To relive memories of the phone call.. The unanswered questions...  Well, it could be overwhelming.  But, rather, I think that God has something beautiful and healing in store for me.  I believe that there will be treasures hidden in the darkness of my story.  I believe that I will be encouraged.  And, I pray that I will be used to encourage others.  Surely there will be new connections with ladies that have known the same type of loss that I have known.  Surely God will do mighty things.  Please take a moment and pray for all of us mommas that will be there.  Pray healing for us in deep places.  Pray truth, and vulnerability for us so that we can grow together and grow in the Lord. 

Thanks for following me here.  There is much more in my heart, but for now, this will do.  May God open your eyes to the blessings He is pouring out all around you daily.  If you look for Him, you will see Him, and you will wonder how you have missed Him all this time.  When you seek Him, you will find Him when you search for Him with all of your heart.  A worthy endeavor, I assure you. 

Blessings.

~Christy