Aching...

My heart is just grieving right now. I know that I have said that we have no idea what kind of life our sweet birthmother lived to bring her to this place of placing Mia in our hands. But, God in His sweet faithfulness has given me a closer look at what this precious girl has been through. It has been such a privilege to know Blair. She has given me much more insight than I thought I would ever have. But, with that, is an ache that I cannot describe in words. Our birthmother has lived through things that you and I have not even read about in books. There was no one to turn to for her. She withstood many things that would have caused me to crumble, and all when she was still just a little fragile girl. God has a plan for her life. God loves her more than I do. But, please, if you read this, stop right now and pray for her. Pray that she would come to know God as the Healer of her heart. Pray that she would know His love and His character in ways that He will have to reveal to her in supernatural ways. And be thankful for your life. Please be thankful for the life you have lived.

My unforgettable 3-day Journey...

I never imagined that I would sign up to do something like this. Never. It wasn’t something I had come up with on my own. I had just been thinking over and over for about a week or two “Susan Komen”... It just kept coming to my mind. I figured that I would be joining my sister this year in the 5k. She and my niece walked it last year, and I kind-of assumed that it would be soon and I would do it. Then I got an email from my sweet friend Corrie. I have known Corrie for almost 12 years. She was emailing me to ask for my support as she walked the Breast Cancer 3-day. I had no idea what was coming next. I asked her for more information and told her that I was considering it (only because I feel like the Lord had prepared me to say yes.) Then, I got the details and I was uncertain. But, I knew that if the Lord asked me to do it, He would give me the strength to carry it through. I imagined long walks (with my iPod) training for the event. This never happened. I was never able to go more than 4 miles during training. Babies just don’t last for 10 miles in a stroller. Ha! So, I felt quite unprepared as I headed to Dallas Thursday night. I felt VERY unprepared. As we drove to the event on Friday morning (after getting 4 hours of sleep the night before) I was uncertain of what would come next, but I knew that it would take God’s help for me to make it 20 miles. I couldn’t even think about 60!

We stood until the sun came up. We talked, we stretched a little, we took a few photos... And we waited. We waited for the start of what would become one of the most physically challenging things I would ever do. Starting out the miles flew by. The first 5 miles were a breeze. We laughed and headed out to the next “pit stop” talking about how it was going better than any of us had imagined. And then between mile 5 and 7 something happened. We talked less. We worked harder. Things started to hurt. And the next 13 miles seemed to be fading into something unattainable. The girls I was walking with were really doing well, so I encouraged them to go on (after all, I can make friends with a brick wall), and I wanted them to go while they could. I stopped and stretched. I saw that lunch (which was basically the halfway point) was still 5 miles away... And I almost lost heart. I made a visit to the medical tent and bandaged up my toes that were starting to blister... and off I went. I don’t remember everything. I know it took me 10 hours that day to walk the 20 miles. I know I hardly stopped, and I ate my lunch in the medical line every day while I waited to get my blisters covered and my knee wrapped. The mileage was taking its toll on my body. By the time I reached camp that evening, I had walked the whole thing. I never took a van, or a bus... and my body was absolutely reminding me of that. I found out later that it was actually 24 miles that we walked that first day. I dragged myself into camp. I had made the last two miles telling a sweet lady I met about my Mia’s story. It made the time go by, and it seemed like her precious story was a great way to forget about the things that were happening in my body. I got to camp and saw a couple thousand (literally) tents. I saw my row (H) and headed that way. I was physically so worn out. My feet hurt so bad. My head hurt. I literally couldn’t even think about walking the whole way to my tent. It was fourth from the end of the row... all the way down the isle. I see my luggage (it was some of the very last on the truck) and start loading myself up like a pack mule. I was ready to cry. I was beyond ready to cry. I started walking and praying that I could make it to my tent. Halfway there I thought about crawling and dragging my stuff. My feet were just done. But, I trudged on, and just before I started crying out loud, my friend said “Christy!” I had made it. I got my things out of my bag to take a shower and I took my tennis shoes off. It was then that I saw the blood in my sock. I couldn’t fathom how I would be able to walk any of the mileage the next day. My friends encouraged me to get dinner before my shower and then go to the medial afterwards. I just did what they said because it seemed reasonable, and it kept me from having to think. We ate. We all went to the showers, and then I drug my very worn out body one foot in front of the other to the medical tent. I sat and waited to get my blisters treated. I was disheartened by the day to say the least. My feet hurt so badly. My head hurt. My whole body hurt.

The lady that was looking at my foot called her supervising medic over. They stared at the blister that had popped on its own and told me that there was nothing they could do for it because it was under a callous on my foot. Then they looked at my pinky toe, and they looked at me and then they looked at each other. This didn’t seem to be very good. She popped the blister (which shouldn’t have hurt I realized later), but she went too deep, and my toe started bleeding and bleeding and bleeding... Oh it hurt. I thought I was going to be sick. But, she wrapped it and looked at the others and said I would be better to leave them alone. I took her word for it and went to my tent. I got out my Bible and read one sentence, and went to sleep.

I can’t explain what happened in the night. I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up many times and tossed and turned... I was still tired the next morning, but I was ready to try again. Unbelievably, the blister that she popped (as well as the one that had popped on its own) felt incredibly better. This I contribute to the many friends I had specifically praying for my feet!

I set out the next morning hoping to make the first pit stop which was about 3 miles away. I made it, had my blisters treated and kept on going. I made it 5 miles before I had to catch a van. I had to go to the bathroom (really bad) and there were no gas stations, or port-a-pottties in sight. So, I was sad to take the van, but relieved at the thought of having a little less to walk. The van took me to lunch and I got a head start on the remaining 11 miles for the day. I walked and found new friends and listened to stories and told some of my own. I took pictures with people I hadn’t known until that day, and I walked into camp that night feeling very tired, but thinking that it really could be possible to finish it out the walk (on my own two feet). I went to bed early. Read a little more of my Bible and prayed for my friends I had told I would pray for on my walk.

It was a hard thing to realize that while I was walking it was so difficult to focus on prayers for others. I wanted to pray, I started (many times) to pray for people, and I would be interrupted in my prayer by a crooked sidewalk that caught me off guard, or by the pain in my knee, or the need for a bathroom. It was hard to focus on anything but myself. I hated that. So, as I walked I tried to make new friends and be a light to them... It was better than thinking about my toes :0)

As I walked into the last cheering station for the day (this was a station that was set up just for us to be encouraged and literally hundreds of people came out to clap and tell us we were doing great!) I started crying. I couldn’t stop. One lady held up a sign that had Isaiah 40:31 on it. Soar on wings as eagles... Hope in the Lord. The truth made me a very broken lady. It was then that I realized that I was walking faster (by a lot). I realized that over and over again the Lord was putting in my mind this one thing, “since you are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses..) That was it! It was the perfect picture of my life. In the cheering station, as I hear and see the people telling me it is possible... I walk faster... I lift my head. I smile and think to myself “This is possible after all”. But as their cheering fades, and the road ahead looks hard, and I loose sight of those witnesses, I lose the ability to persevere and I forget that “Nothing is impossible for God”. If only I could “see” those witnesses in my mind all the time. If only I could remember that there were those that went before me, who are cheering me on towards the goal... The prize. I could walk in a holier way. I could press on towards godliness with fervor. I know that there is much left for me to realize from this walk. I know that I was worn out -physically and emotionally by the time I was finished.

On the last day, as I was 3/4 of a mile from the finish line, I stubbed my worst blistery toe. At first there was no pain at all. Then, there was a tingling numbness. And then, the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I kept walking because I knew that if I slowed down I would never make it to the finish line. I literally walked faster and faster with tears streaming down my face from the pain saying, “Jesus help me, Jesus help me” all the way. It was the only thing I could do. I was crying out to Him. I told Him over and over, “It hurts so bad... It just hurts so bad” and then my friend sent me a text message. It said, “How much more you got left?” I texted her back, “less than one mile, but I just stubbed one of my blisters really hard and I am crying.” And she texted me back this scripture in record time! Her fingers must have been flying over those keys! It said, “the Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight for you... You have seen how the Lord your God carried you as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.” Deut. 1:30. Needless to say, the tears flowed even more, and then the most amazing thing happened. The pain began to lessen, it did not go away. It was still very painful to walk each step, but it was getting less and less and I was getting closer and closer.

As I walked through the crowd of people (who represented the finish line) cheering and telling me “You did it! You made it all the way!” I was crying. I was given a pink rose, and a t-shirt and then I stood on the other side of the crowd. I can’t tell you all of the things that were going through my head. I was suddenly lonely. I had done it. I made it all the way. I had finished 60 miles. I was so tired. I was so sore. I wanted my mommy. Wasn’t that the real reason I was walking in the first place? I just stood there holding my stuff in my hands and cried. A sweet friend I had met on the walk came running over. She threw her arms around my neck and said, “Christy, you did it!” I just hugged her and cried. I cried because never in my life had I persevered under such hard circumstances and never in my life had I been in so much pain at once. I sent out a text to Ken and a few other friends that simply said, “I did it.” That was all I could say. I had finished and God had helped me. Bloody feet. Sore muscles. Tired body and heart, but God had sustained me, and I was finished. Praise God for His Grace and His mercy! I can’t wait to see what more He has to show me over the next few weeks and months about who He is, and this great cloud of witnesses that is really cheering me on towards holiness. What a journey! What a lot to take in. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for donating to this cause that will move research forward. My children thank you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ordained

I am constantly amazed at the way I can see God’s hand all over my daughter’s life. Of course, He says it in His Word that He cares for us all this way, but it is so different... So visible to me in her life. We have prayed and prayed for her life to shout of His Glory. We have prayed that she will know her birth-mom, Candice. We have prayed that we could establish relationships with her biological family so that we can answer any question that she ever wants to know. I can’t explain with words how it feels to be her mom. She is my daughter. My beloved daughter. She is to me as much mine as Maddy (or any of my boys). There is no difference in the way we love her. She is our daughter. I don’t think people can understand this. God wrote her on our hearts long before she was born. The difference is, he brought her to earth through a precious lady named Candice. God grew our family far beyond what we ever knew He would. How precious that is to me.

This past week God proved Himself again to be the “ordainer of days”. He has surely ordained every step in Mia’s life. As I was showing a friend of mine a picture of Candice (and two of her sister’s), she said that Blair, Candice’s full sister looked familiar. I told her where I thought she knew her from and then, in an instant - everything changed. She asked me, “didn’t I just see her at the daycare?” My heart jumped. No, it couldn’t be... How could she have worked for us and we didn’t even know? But, surely, this beautiful girl that I have looked at every morning (in the picture) as I prayed for her was even at that moment working at the daycare. I was stunned. I was ready to run there on foot! I called Tiffany (our wonderful director) and asked if Blair was still at work. She said yes. I told Tiffany not to let her leave... I was on my way to come and talk to her. So many thoughts were racing through my mind.

Can you imagine? For over three months this precious, beautiful girl had been right beside us, and we didn’t even know. God had brought her to us. God had set her in that place for a bigger purpose than any of us knew. I knew that there was no way she could’ve known. So, I pulled her out of her class and asked her to sit down. Then, I told her, “My daughter, my baby girl is your neice.” She was trying to process it, and I cleared it up even more. “My baby girl is your sister, Candice’s baby.” The moment was priceless. It was one that I will treasure in my heart forever! We stood and talked - and of course, we went to see Mia (who was trying to fall asleep). Blair told me that she had just seen Candice and that she had asked her about “the baby”. Little did she know that she had been seeing “the baby” about three days a week for over three months! Wow. Let that really hit you. She had been seeing her, and keeping Jude - for months - yet she was praying and aching in her heart to know where she was and that she was okay. All the while none of us knew it. All the while God was letting us get to know Blair outside of her life as our daughter’s aunt. I taught her CPR. I talked to her, off and on for months before we knew. And in that moment, when it hit me, EVERYTHING changed.

She is a beautiful girl. That is one very funny part of the story. Tiffany and I had been talking about all of the girls at work, evaluating them, and when her name came up, I said, “Tell me again who she is.” And then, I answered my own question, “Oh, she is the girl that has a really beautiful face, and amazing eyes, right?” And Tiffany said yes. I already thought she was beautiful. But, she became in that instant much more beautiful to me.

I just wanted to stare at her. I see so much of Candice, so much of Mia in her face.. In her eyes. It is hard to explain (or understand) the love that is in my heart for Blair already. Of course, I have been praying for her for 9 months! But, I mean it. It is so weird, but I adore her. I would do anything for her. I can’t wait for Mia to be old enough to understand this story. God has just shown me over and over again how He has a plan for every day of my little girl’s life. For all of my babies, He has a plan, a BEAUTIFUL plan. It is no wonder that there was such warfare over this precious baby’s life. She will have a testimony that shouts to the world that there is a God. There is a loving, Creator that thinks the world of her. What an amazing story. How blessed we are to be a part of it. I am simply in awe of the beauty of my God.

So, tonight it is forgiveness on my heart. You know that thing that can bring you to tears when you ti

What an amazing God!

I don't have words to describe the thankfulness that is in my heart. Today, September 1, 2009 a 9 month old prayer became a reality! Today, our birthmom, Candice held her baby again - for the first time since we brought her home from the hospital. Wow. I knew I had prayed for it. I knew it would mean a lot to me... but I really had no idea. When the Word talks about Jesus doing things abundantly beyond what we can even ask or imagine, well it is just that. I couldn't have even imagined what a sweet time it would be. For over an hour (almost an hour and a half), I watched her hold Mia. She wouldn't take her eyes off of her. She just kept talking about how beautiful, how sweet, how content... how you can tell she is well cared for and loved. She talked to me like a friend. Not like I was some stranger that was raising "her baby"... but like a friend, like someone she trusts and as if she knew she can let her guard down around me. She said that she guesses it was "Time for her to see Mia again. She was more prepared." Except - she was totally not prepared for our visit! She isn't living with her mom anymore... and we had NO idea that she would be there. I dared to ask some friends to pray that if it was God's timing she would be... but she had no "reason" to be there.

She said that she just knew that she should come see her mom. She understands that there is a reason for everything under heaven! There is so much more! So much, but it is sooo late! I just had to get some out before I busted! What a FAITHFUL God we serve! What an amazing Creator! What a Beautiful Savior. I am in awe of His hand in our lives. We are blessed beyond measure. Wow.

Tamar and Absalom...

I was just reading the story of Tamar again. I think it is one of the saddest stories in the Bible. I think it is a story that many people could read and misinterpret God’s intentions towards us. Tamar did nothing wrong. She was wronged in an enormous way! By her own brother - no less. Thankfully, where one brother was the evil in her life that drove her closer to the Lord, the other brother was a shelter for her - an avenger of sorts. He interests me, this man Absalom. He was a man that clearly loved his family. He was a man that had a heart for justice - as does our Jesus. However, he couldn’t seem to understand that God clearly says that vengeance is His alone. His downfall seems to have begun with bitterness... A bitterness towards his brother that would have him plot murder and see it carried through. A beginning that would take him further than he probably ever intended to go. Please don’t get me wrong. I do believe that Amnon should have been held accountable for his crime against his sister. I do believe that it was a terrible injustice that he could take those things from her - and then banish her - despise her even where the Word says that she “lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.” Ugh. A desolate woman. Desolate means, “devoid of inhabitants and visitors, deserted, joyless, disconsolate, and sorrowful through or as if through separation from a loved one; showing the effects of abandonment and neglect.” Not what I want to describe the rest of my days.

Certainly a terrible offense had been committed. But I think we forget that as great as the offense is against us and to us, it is even more offensive to our Holy God.

Was God not grieved by this?

Was God not going to bring about justice in this situation?

It is my opinion that Absalom allowed his hatred towards his brother to fester for two years. All the while, a mounting feeling of distaste for his own father grew. He likely resented David for not doing something to protect his daughter. The Word doesn’t say this. I can only imagine he began to despise his father for his lack of action in this situation. So, he took the matter in his own hands, forgetting that it lay in the Hands of One who is far more capable to see that true retribution take place. So, he plots and he kills and then he runs, and he hides. 2 Samuel 13:39 tells us that King David longed to go to Absalom and that he mourned constantly for his son (Absalom). After a very interesting “enactment”, David calls for his son, Absalom’s return. It is carried out quickly, but David will not let Absalom come to him, and see his face. I don’t know why this is. I didn’t write the Book, nor do I understand the hearts of men. I only know that he didn’t see him... And Absalom’s heart was once again grieved by his father - he says it would’ve been better had he not even returned than to return and not be able to see his own father. In order to get this message to his father, he burned up Joab’s field. Again, he tried to meet with Joab (who had been the instigator in bringing him back in the first place) and when it didn’t go according to his plan and time frame, he burnt Joab’s field to gain audience with him. Again, he takes matters into his own hands.

This post could be very much longer, but I will end with this one thought... As I was reading “The Holy Wild” by Mark Buchanan, he talks about Cain and Abel. And he wrote a sentence that has struck my heart and wont let go. It’s a bit long, but worth the read. Worth the time spent pondering its validity. Buchanan says this, “...of all those (Bible) stories, one haunts me most: Cain’s faithlessness. What gets me is a crisp New Testament gloss on the ancient tale. ‘By faith,’ Hebrews says, ‘Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did.’ Abel was a man of faith. Cain, by implication was not. But, he was no atheist, Cain. He was no Nietzsche, rabid with blasphemy... No Freud...

Cain was none of that.

Cain knew God.

Cain talked with God, maybe daily, without candor, face to face, as one friend talks to another. They had a relationship, God and Cain, an intimacy even. They reasoned together. Cain complained to God, argued with Him, rebuffed Him, pleaded with Him. God rebuked Cain, invited him, questioned him, protected him.

Cain knew God.

He just had no faith... Faithlessness is not unbelief. Faithlessness is the refusal to trust. It’s the refusal to rest in God and, therefore, risk for God... Cain is the man who would never, not for anything, not for anyone put all his weight (trust) in God. His character will not rest in God’s character. Only a fool would do that, and Cain’s no fool. He’s shrewd.”

Oh Lord help us. His character would not rest in God’s character. Is that what we see with Absalom? Is that what drove him to try and steal the kingdom from his father? You alone put authority over us, and yet, we act like we are justified in our rebellion just because of their “human-ness”. Help us, Lord. I ask for mercy. Yes, Lord let us learn what it means that you are merciful.

Let us not, like Absalom, and Cain trust in ourselves and our ability to seek out justice - over your ability to see true justice done. You are Just. Your character is spotless. You alone can avenge in all fairness and righteousness. Teach us who you are!

Big Changes...

Well, there have been many changes in our home over the last few months. My heart is so overwhelmed really. For 11 years we have been part of one of the most amazing churches I've ever heard of - and certainly ever known as home. Living Hope has been our family. Our place of worship and fellowship for a long time. It seems impossible to imagine... but after all of this time we feel the Lord leading us to a new fellowship. I have to admit... my heart aches. Though I am confident the Lord knows best - my heart aches to think of all of the wonderful memories and know that we have to start over - making family with new families in a new place. I am excited to meet new people. I love people. But, I am sad for the memories in that old, wonderful, familiar place. The good news is that we don't have to leave that family. We don't have to break ties... in fact, unity and love are what God is all about - and we won't lose our love for LHBC. We will get to spend eternity worshipping with many of the people in that body of believers in fact. But, on this Earth, for this short time - God is calling us to become members of a new family. I am excited to see what He will do. He is God. He has the right to ask us to do anything He wants. He has the right to take everything away... He has the right to turn our whole lives upside down. And even if it doesn't make sense on this side of eternity... if it is His will... it is the only thing we want.

During these last few weeks and months as we have spent time praying, we have also been busy doing "chores". Among these chores was planting trees. God is so amazing. I planted a tree in my front yard. All the while knowing that God is faithful. All the while knowing that this tree was representative of me in so many ways. It was smaller than the other trees - and weaker. It was drying up too quickly. It was dying. By the time I got it in the ground - it was really dead. Everyone that came over would just shake their head and tell me that it wasn't gonna make it. But, I prayed. Yep, that's right. I prayed over that tree - I prayed for that tree. It was a symbol of me. It was what was going on in my heart and mind all displayed in my front yard. And it was hopeless. BUT - we have an amazing God. I kept praying that if Jesus could make a fig tree wither with just one sentence... He could make my oak tree live with just one word... with just one glance. I KNEW He could make it live. He reminded me that He is the one that gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). Yes, this is the God that I serve. This is the God that I love. This is the God that I want to give all of my affections to. And He spoke. And my tree is living. It is thriving in fact. New sprouts have begun to blossom all over and it is becoming green and beautiful. I am begging the Lord to do the same inside of me. To revive me and make the dead things alive. To renew the things that are dry and replace them with new sprouts of life. He can do this in me too. That tree is my symbol of hope. If you're driving by, you should really stop to take a look at it. I praise His name for that tree. He is Faithful. He is Beautiful.